This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hmm 6 months, 1 week ago.
January 13, 2018 at 1:48 am #678590
I am feeling very frustrated. My bf and I have been together for over a year and have talked about marriage. I have told both of my kids (10&12), without too much detail, that this is the path we are on. They are happy! His son (16) has not asked and my bf hasn’t mentioned it to him at all. My bf promises he wants a future with me, but not until his son approves. This is so entirely frustrating bc it gives his son all the control in this relationship. I asked if he’d pick a date to propose and then talk to his son, but he won’t until he feels his son approves.
We all get along great. His son is very engaged with all of us and I’ve even had talks with him about his depression meds and bought him pants when he needed them for his new job. I feel like we already function like a family. We have sleepovers with all five of us at least one weekend night when we have our kiddos.
I told my bf that we could put off living together until his son is almost done with school. But that I’d like to be engaged well in advance. I need things to progress if we are this invested in each othwrs’ lives and I am giving him this much time and energy. He said he doesn’t want to rush things and wants to do it right. I honestly cannot understand why he’s dragging his feet… is it because he doesn’t want to propose and/or marry me?
January 13, 2018 at 1:53 am #678591
Who’s the Adult?January 13, 2018 at 1:56 am #678594
That is what I said. We have very different parenting styles in that way. He’s a really good person, but he’s too soft in that sense in my opinion.January 13, 2018 at 3:50 am #678603
You do understand that his son’s preferences will always be in the forefront. People do not change over time…especially being a parent.
I am sorry his son has issues, he may grow out of them but I bet your BF is worried about him. I know my sister has a son that had issues fifteen years ago and she still worries to this day.
I would say to try and be understanding as much as possible but he does need also to let you know that his relationship with you is of utmost importance. After his concerns about his son you need to come first. If his son did not have these issues then I would say different here.January 13, 2018 at 5:17 am #678608
You don’t say how long you’ve been together?January 13, 2018 at 6:15 am #678614
What’s the rush? Where’s the fire?
Its up to him to decide when HE’S READY for that level of commitment and he’s not ready which is perfectly within his right. My ex husband was ready for marriage long before I was; proposed by in our 5th month and I said no because I wasn’t close to being ready for that yet and needed a lot more time to know if he truly was someone I could commit my life too…its a BIG DEAL and not something that should be taken lightly.
Thankfully he was PATIENT and didn’t force it or I would have walked because its not fun being with someone who has an agenda and that’s the ONLY agenda that matters—they need to get on board with it now or get out of the way! I’m sorry but his son is a part of this process too and although I don’t believe the decision should be his, his father is the one who needs to have it when HE’S READY and he’s not ready yet. So either be patient and give it another year or so or end it with him and go find someone who’s ready to be an instant husband.January 13, 2018 at 8:48 am #678621
The kid is ok with sleepovers but not marriage? How mature of him.January 13, 2018 at 10:58 am #678640
I think it’s perfectly reasonable that he at least get engaged to you. And he can do that without his sons permission! That’s ridiculous. You can be engaged and plan out a wedding two years. Is he expecting his son to just one day say ‘hey dad, I think you should get married to her.’ What kid would say such a thing? And what kind of man would allow a son to control him? I get the sensitivity part but it’s the adults who make the decisions, not the kids. Besides, how hypocritical to say he will do family sleepovers or even live together? But won’t marry you? This man has all the perks of a wife in you without that commitment, I know it’s hard but maybe he needs to understand that you aren’t waiting forever and will absolutely not play family without the ring,January 13, 2018 at 11:44 am #678644
Call me old fashioned but why on earth would you tell a man when to propose to you? If he wants to marry you, he will ask you in his own time.
Also IMO one year is nowhere near long enough to make that kind of commitment, especially when you both have kids whom I assume have been through the divorce process already. You need to be extra certain this time that they won’t have to go through it again and you can’t possibly know that after only 12mths. If his son is as content with your situation as you say he is, then I’m afraid it’s your boyfriend that doesn’t want this, not his son and with the pressure you’re putting on him so soon, I’m not surprisedJanuary 13, 2018 at 1:12 pm #678658
He feels for some reason that getting engaged right now would be disruptive for his son. 16 can be a tough age, and his son has issues with depression to boot.
On the one hand I understand you feeling like his son is controlling things…but that’s not exactly what’s happening. It’s more that your boyfriend is considering the needs of his son before your needs. I think this is the right thing for a parent to do, in part because that’s his responsibility as a parent and in part because you are an adult and his son is a child, and your emotional need to be engaged to your boyfriend/secure in your relationship with him does NOT trump this boy’s emotional need to be feel secure in his relationship with his father.
I think in order for your relationship with your boyfriend to work out, you really need to reframe how you perceive what he’s doing. He’s not letting his son control him. He’s putting his son’s emotional needs, when he’s particularly vulnerable–a teenager with depression issues–ahead of his own needs and yours. You can respect a man who does that.
Also, do you want to be the woman that badgered a man into proposing to her at the expense of his son? That’s how he’s seeing you right now. It’s how I’m seeing you.
It’s only been a year. It’s not like he’s had you hanging on for years.
Although I understand you don’t want to keep putting energy into this blended family that isn’t technically a family yet without knowing how things will end up for sure, he DID tell you he sees a future with you. Do you believe him? Do you believe he is concerned about his son and that’s what’s making him not want to get engaged yet? If you believe these two things, then give it a defined amount of time that you can live with. I would personally say the 2-year mark is a good one.
Then let him know you’ve thought about it, you get where he’s coming from, and you’re going to drop it, but at that 2-year mark you’ll need things to move forward. That gives him time to focus on his son. That’s where his focus needs to be right now. Not on you and not on an engagement. Can you see that?January 13, 2018 at 1:30 pm #678660
Reading your story, I’m unsure what your saying adds up to the reason being his son. If you two are all good and you’ve chatted to him about his depression and gotten him trousers for a job and he comes to stay with you no worries… can’t help but wonder if this isn’t your bf excuse to wait. I mean I take it he’s brought it up with the boy? Or assuming? I think your bloke isn’t ready to ask you yet. And actually it’s up to him to ask you and not for you to dictate.January 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm #678670
So, more info…
The son has been on anxiety meds for a long time. I actually talked to my therapist about the son bc he’s smart, but very shy and started showing signs of not getting enough dopamine (like what I have) bc he wasn’t showering, doing other basic hygiene things, not finishing or turning in homework, failing most classes, etc. my therapist said that he was at a crucial period and that he needed to see his doctor. I am the one who pushed very hard to get him in at his doctor. So after being on meds he was able to pass his finals (with better grades than before!), and qualify for this internship (which had been in jeopardy). I teach college-level students, so I know when they are just not smart and when other things are getting in the way. I also care a great deal for young people, but him in particular. So that’s the background on that.
Right now they live 45m away and I just want that time back. I also want for all of us to be together so he and my kids get time together before he goes to college. Yes, I want that family vibe. And maybe that’s why the hurry.
Also, my bf pushes for us to be like a married couple. Example: my car’s brakes went out and he insisted on paying the $500. Financially we are pretty combined, and he makes a lot more than I do (so he isn’t after my money). He advises my children like they are his own and they love him back. We talk for hours every day. So it feels weird to me to not be moving forward.
He has a lot of regrets about his first marriage and said that he wants everything to “be right”. He also suffers from anxiety and is very practical and I’m at first I’m practical and guarded, but when I let down my guard I’m all in. I also have told him that I know I am impatient, but am willing to wait to move in/marry, but just want to get engaged in advance to address this need in me. So that we all are getting a little something we need. Which maybe is not the way to approach it?January 13, 2018 at 2:24 pm #678673
“my therapist said that he was at a crucial period”
I stand by what I said even more then.
The question is, do you trust him or don’t you? If you suspect he’s stringing you along then you may need to consider leaving.
But I don’t see how trying to force someone to get engaged when they’re not ready, for any reason, is going to help.
Decide how much longer you can wait and let it go until then, or leave. Staying and pressuring him will do you no good.January 13, 2018 at 2:48 pm #678679
Aida, you raise good points.
Last night in our discussion I said, “We know how each other feels, so I am not going to bring it up again. I figure you will when you are ready.” His response, “I think we should continue to talk about it, and I -am- ready.” This is the type of statement that gives me confusion and makes me feel uneasy.January 13, 2018 at 2:51 pm #678681
Maybe he is trying to emphasize that HE is ready, but his son his not?January 13, 2018 at 3:17 pm #678687
That is very possible. Do you think I should ask?January 13, 2018 at 3:24 pm #678688
Sure, he said he was keeping the door open to talk about it. It makes sense to say you want to understand something he said better.January 13, 2018 at 3:37 pm #678694
I feel that the son is just an excuse TBH. You are already spending a lot of time together. It seems to me that he is just unsure. Any pressure put on him will only make things worse. There are two scenarios: either he just does not want to commit period and won´t but does not want to tell you that because he does not want to lose you either, in this case you have to decide if this setup works for you or not and give it time, do not bring up the issue. The other scenario is that he just needs time and needs to do it on his own, at his own space, without discussions. The more you talk about this, the worse you make the situation. Just let it go and give it some time in yourself, let´s say that you want him to propose in a year. Do not tell him, just stick to it. Likely by that time he will and if he has not, then you can make a decision whether to leave this arrangement or be willing to live with it.January 13, 2018 at 4:01 pm #678700
I understand this man just fine and i think you are being too impatient to get in the marriage boat. A year is too soon to be frustrated like this when there are obvious reasons why he wants to take things slowJanuary 13, 2018 at 4:06 pm #678702
Ahh yes a year! I agree you’re rushing things. Not many people are ready for marriage after a year. If he feels he or his sin aren’t ready, I would be patient and give them more time, especially as his son has mental health issues.January 13, 2018 at 4:19 pm #678705
They ALL have mental issues, what a surprise. A year isn’t rushing anything, and the OP doesn’t even know what question to ask? Duh… should I ask if he is ready but not the son? Are you marrying him or the son? Where is the sons real mother in all of this?