This topic contains 68 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Truth 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
June 17, 2019 at 2:47 pm #753998
We have been dating a long time, busy lives, see each other at weekends only mainly. No plans to live together or get married, both busy and happily independent with kids and businesses so this is mutually agreed and i am genuinely fine with that. Its is an Exclusive relationship and at my side anyway its a relationship not just a fwb. Anyway he decided to leave for a last minute trip away across to another part of Europe and didnt say he was going until he got there. I went a bit mad with him at his disrespect and disregard of my feelings and his lack of communication but he cant see why i am so upset. Well he did phone me a lot and try to speak about it but Im just so mad with him, i blocked him and told him to forget about me. What do you guys think ? We are both introvert, quiet types but I would have let him know if I was heading away for a break. I think its time to call time ? Its not normal or acceptable is it ? Thoughts please.June 17, 2019 at 2:55 pm #754001
To me you are very confusing. You are describing a couple thaf love being independant also and when he does his independant stuff you not only go off on him, but you also block him and broke up. Thats two totally different perspectives. Of course when you are a couple you would be upset when someone suddenly takes off while you could have planned something together but thats not the relationship you are describing and saying you are fine with. I think you overreacted after you said you were mad. You could have thought about why you were mad. And told him that layer in a calm matter. But you broke upJune 17, 2019 at 2:59 pm #754002
Thanks Newbie. Yes you re right I am confused thats why I am asking for help. xJune 17, 2019 at 3:01 pm #754004
To clarify I am not upset he went on a trip. I am doing that too soon just with my family. I am mad he never told me he was doing this. xJune 17, 2019 at 3:07 pm #754006
It is not normal nor is it acceptable! I would be just as livid but the way you handled it was a bit over-the-top. It sounds like your relationship I too independent to the point and he makes a lot of plans without your input, am I right? If so then you’ve somewhat established a pattern of doing what you want, when you want (hanging with friends, shopping, engag in hobbies, etc, without discussing it so believed this would be OK too?
Has he ever taken trip without telling you? This is something that warrants a discussion and negotiation, not breaking up over. He committed a misdemeanor not a felony.June 17, 2019 at 3:11 pm #754007
I understand why you are mad and i would have probably have been mad too but after that you spiraled to fuming breaking up mad. Like he betrayed you mad. Thats the part where i thought you were overreacting. I would unblock him, say sorry for exploding but that you felt he was really inconsiderate and because you were so stunned you exploded. Or if you want to break up, do that. If he inconsiderate of you more often. Then thats a red flag. But i have a feeling he did a last spur of the moment trip and just wentJune 17, 2019 at 3:17 pm #754008
I dont know I really am confused, he can be selfish and a bit inconsiderate at times but we usually manage to meet a middle groud, And we generally spend the little free time we have together and go on trips together. Hes not that great with communication but as I said we are more introverted types and not the small talk type of people. I did see red and go mad but i just cant see anyone else doing this to a gf. xJune 17, 2019 at 3:28 pm #754009
To answer your question, not its not normal or acceptable.
People in committed relationships don’t just up and leave on a trip without a single.
He’s behaving like a single man.
I’d sit and talk with him about this.June 17, 2019 at 3:29 pm #754010
Maybe this is a sign of you not being so happy about the independant life style but you accepted it, because he is that way. I cant tell. But if that is the case, i think you are not being true to yourself and with the wrong man. I dont think many women would be happy with a guy suddenly going on a vacation without notice but if you give off a vibe you are fine with each living their lives he wouldnt have known the difference
I had this strange experience with my guy where he did something that deeply hurt me and in his mind it was nothing. When i thought about it more i came to the conclusion it was abandonment anxiety causing it and it had not so much to do with my relationship but more of a primal reaction. When i peeled that off, i could see both sides.June 17, 2019 at 3:51 pm #754013
Just another woman on here who says she likes her relationship but finds something silly to pick on.
Here is my take.
You don’t even know he is your boyfriend and said this. You said it’s exclusive and not a fwb, at least ‘on your side.’ That translates to, you are going along with this casual thing and hoping it’s more than it appears to be.
You then went off full kilter and broke up because he went on an unannounced trip? If he isn’t your boyfriend he isn’t obligated to tell you ahead of time. To me that was a pretty strong message he was sending about how he views this relationship. You failed the test. It showed him you do want more than what he is giving you.
All I’m saying is your symptom is a reflection of the bigger picture and not just that he took this one trip without telling you, no one goes off that extreme unless she is harboring tons of resentment and finally just blows.
Be honest to yourself about what you really want and when you ask him you may be surprised that this really just is a fwb to him. He enjoys your company but isn’t all in nor plans to act like a boyfriend or husband to you. If you do reach out it’s now time to be clear about what you want. Otherwise you look like a fool and if you do get back together you will just be repeating the same pattern until you blow again.
I honestly don’t see why you would get so upset if you value independence. Would him having to tell you have changed the outcome of him going anyway? So you blew up for nothing and that’s why he doesn’t get why you would be so angry. Despite your handle, you aren’t his mother.June 17, 2019 at 4:48 pm #754022
OMG thanks for your opinion but with respect I dont think this is just a silly little thing. You are bang on though with the message he is sending me. My worry is that he is seeing this as a fwb and im not seeing him as that. Im all in with the relationship as in not dating others and being there for him. Im happy not to be living together after a bad marriage I dont want to get domestic in a relationship again. But I would never just take off and leave without telling him. Its rude and disrespectful and Im gutted tbh.June 17, 2019 at 4:49 pm #754023
Well, was it acceptable for you to ruin his holiday?June 17, 2019 at 4:54 pm #754024
No L thats the point he obviously isnt that bothered is he ? Can I ruin his holiday if he doesnt seem to care ? Im so confused.June 17, 2019 at 5:04 pm #754025
I think you overreacted. Your relationship isn’t conventional and it isn’t as if he didn’t reach out and let you know he was away. If you don’t want domestic, than you can’t require your man to act like a husband would.
It’s not disrespectful if you don’t rely on this man for anything but weekend dates. Now if you needed to know because you might need help in an emergency or for some other domestic responsibilities I can see why this would be upsetting.
You simply aren’t tied that closely together for him to have to worry about the timing of when he informed you. At least he told you when he got there and not after the fact. Then I could see feeling insulted.
It sounds as if you have invested more into this exclusive ‘whatever it is’ relationship than maybe he is. If you don’t even know if you are a fwb or gf after years of being together that says it all. That’s what is really hurting you. Anyway, doesn’t matter. You broke up with him and don’t be surprised if he isn’t using this holiday to forget you.June 17, 2019 at 5:10 pm #754026
Not trying to respond for L, but you were never clear with him nor secured what you were to him. You don’t know if he cared or not. He tried to explain and you blocked him. So you may never get your answer. You make way too many assumptions and haven’t effectively communicated with this man for years. It’s just now dawning on you how much it bothers you that you don’t even know if this man views you as a gf or if he is just killing time. I would never accept for years without question. Most people eventually want to live domestically, if not to marry, at least to share a life together in real time, not just over the weekends. These are things you should have discussed over the years and come to terms on. This reaction of yours isn’t helping your case for being a gf. Most men would run for the hills if a woman went off on him while he was trying to relax and travel. No one wants to get broken up over the phone and blocked without even given a chance to talk maturely about the situation. You let your anger get to you. This is something I would have waited out and discussed in person calmly. Now you look like crazy lady. Sorry.June 17, 2019 at 5:20 pm #754027
Thanks for your input The Truth. I dont know if theres any explanation. He could have sent a quick text, it takes seconds just to let me know his plans. We spoke the night before and he never said he was leaving in the morning. I guess he has put me in my place. He didnt just get up and leave, he has things to organise. I guess i just was in shock at his lack of consideration but its not good enough. I will stand by my decision that its not acceptable for me. xJune 17, 2019 at 5:23 pm #754028
Well at least you now know he isn’t a boyfriend.June 17, 2019 at 5:27 pm #754029
No hes not my boyfriend. I am still in shock though as he does claim to be. xJune 17, 2019 at 5:31 pm #754030
I agree with Newbie. You seem to be talking out both sides of your mouth! You say you’re happily independent in an exclusive relationship and aren’t moving toward marriage, yet feel gutted when he makes last minute plans without informing you. I do think you majorly over reacted and unless he did this over a weekend when the two of you would have had plans together I can’t understand how you can feel so disrespected and gutted. It’s not like he just told you he jetted off to another country with another woman!! Because by definition last minute plans are just that…made at the LAST MINUTE and not giving you time to keep everyone in the loop.
I have always had a traditional relationship where yes if my boyfriend had done this I would have been majoring peeved! But that’s because we kept in touch every day. kept each other apprised of plans or changes in our plans and were together pretty much every day we could be. We weren’t two people living different lives and seeing each other just on weekends as you describe. Therefore, I think your expectations don’t jive with the reality of what your situation is. You don’t want to live together or have a domestic partnership which is fine. But as someone else says you can’t treat him like a husband when he’s not!
I think the issue here is you know he can be selfish and inconsiderate at times and he’s not great at communication. You know this after dating for along time so I’m not sure why you are confused when he acts that way. I mean if the ladies on here think you’re over-reacting then certainly he does too! He’s probably expecting you to cool off and calm down and reach out to him because he is indeed trying to figure out how you feel so disrespected. Quite frankly he probably thinks it’s your time of the month!!June 17, 2019 at 5:47 pm #754031
Thanks Kaye. I think you are right. He has taken casual to a higher level than I am comfortable with though by not involving me so its not for me anymore. I dont understand why he would have thought I would have been ok with him doing this though as he knows im not a pushover that accepts his bs. I will speak to him again and unblock him but I feel like a trust/bond has been broken and this isnt right for me.June 17, 2019 at 5:48 pm #754032
Could not have been such a great relationship all these years if you let one small thing blow it up. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t lie. He didn’t keep standing you up. He didn’t physically or emotionally abuse you. He exercised his independence. And that is the type to of relationship you signed up for and got. Being an introvert isn’t the cause. Being independent is. Let me ask you this. Who’s idea was it not to ever marry or co habituate? You said you were ok with the arrangement because of the past, but the way you worded it makes it sound like this really isn’t by choice. You accepted his terms and decided to be ok with it.June 17, 2019 at 5:53 pm #754033
You say he has taken casual to a whole new level. What does that even mean. Did you draw up some terms on what is expected? Casual means casual. It means you aren’t accountable to the other person. That’s why people like them. You want a real relationship. This is why fwb generally have a shelf life. One person ends up wanting more than what they initially bought into.June 17, 2019 at 5:57 pm #754034
No I dont want to live with a man again. I really dont. Theres other considerations which I dont want to go into. I still cant see this as a small thing wrong he has done. You are right he hasnt done those more terrible things you mention but I really dont think its ok. I may feel differently when I think about it some more. xJune 17, 2019 at 6:08 pm #754035
OMG well this is where it gets me confused, hes my boyfriend and we love each other allegedly but i feel he hasnt given me my place by letting me know his plan and i have been treated like a fwb or worse. Thats why I was so hurt I guess and angry with him. xJune 17, 2019 at 7:35 pm #754042
Why is this BS? Given you a place in what? He’s a guy you spend weekends with and apart from that have totally separate lives. You don’t seem to get that sometimes you do need to be all in, in order to get what you want. Being independent and leading separate lives doesn’t entitle you to require the guy to notify you when he decides to do something.
I think you really want a real relationship but for some reason settled on this pseudo one. It also sounds like you want to bully him into doing things your way by your dramatic reaction. Usually when women act this way, they do so in order for shock impact in hoping it elicits a specific response she is looking for. Most times it doesn’t work. In your case he didn’t reassure you that he cares. That’s why you laid into him. You figured your mad reaction would make him reassure you and instead got pissed when the response you received was that he doesn’t understand why you are upset.
like I said before this isn’t about him taking a trip and not telling you ahead of time. You haven’t been as happy in this arrangement as you first stated.