This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by A woman 10 months, 3 weeks ago.
September 21, 2017 at 11:04 pm #655906
So I’ve been single for over a year and really putting myself out there in the last 6 months.
I have met tons of men online and offline. I don’t even remember their stories. It gets mixed up.
It’s been like, I meet a guy, I kinda get excited for the first date because dates are fun and because I enjoy male attention, and then after date 2 I kind of lose interests because I find every excuse that convince myself that the guy isn’t that special. And I think the guy also picks it up and fizzle out, OR, it could be he just wasn’t that interested in getting into proper thing to begin with.
I’m definitely looking for that special guy but NOONE had a potential so far.
With a few guys I thought they could have potential but then eventually becomes meh, because I wasn’t happy with how they were treating me I guess.
I am 34 years old attractive woman. Recently I’m finding I get a lot of male attention.
I’ve had flings here and there. Even fling situation doesn’t work out further than a few weeks or a month.
I got a pretty boy that’s 10 years younger come onto me strong the other day and I wanted some fun with him. It was exciting until I brought him home with him after a week. And I was thinking to continue to enjoy him for some time but then he acted some way and I’m not that excited anymore. Like, I had ideas of how I want things with him but it didn’t look like it’s gonna be like that. It’s just ONE episode and I’m like meh…
I think I’ve built my own standards but I don’t know.
Could it be I’m too harsh? But I don’t want to settle.
I could have been in a relationship by now if I wanted it with some guys. But I didn’t them or wasn’t that into them or they didn’t make enough efforts for me to feel I want to be with them.
I don’t think I’m on the wrong track but what do you think?
September 21, 2017 at 11:24 pm #655908
If you know what you want then don’t settle. You are already 34 and for a woman who wants a family it is not young so you need to be really proactive. But at the same time can’t force yourself to accept something you don’t want.
Maybe try to slow down and not date that many guys? You might have missed someone nice by meeting too many people at once and not paying enough attention to any of them.
If you want marriage, stay away from much younger guys. Most of them would treat you, an older woman, with less respect and less attention, expecting you to ‘serve’ them and chase them, after they’ve “come on to you” at first. What did it mean btw? A few texts? or did he really court you? asked you out on nice dates, bought you gifts? In most cases you might get 1-2 nights with them that would be nice, and then they’d start pulling stunts, flaking, ignoring, not replying, rescheduling on a short notice, etc. Not saying there are no exceptions, just saying what happens most of the time. A mid 20s guy is not ready for a marriage and he’d be sleeping around too, he will not be exclusive with you, and who needs this.
It is good to be selective especially if you know what you want. You still have a few years, so keep on trying and good luck!September 21, 2017 at 11:35 pm #655910
Emma thanks for encouragement. I know exactly what I want. And physical aspects are also huge aspects. I want someone I’m totally attracted to and who treats me with care and respect.
I find most guys these days want me/woman with minimum efforts. I hear this elsewhere so it must be true.
So I’m not sure if I missed out on a good one. I tend to trust my instincts and I’m confident with my instincts.
This young guy did better than most guys I dated in terms of how he made me feel. Anyway yeah you’re right though. He’s gonna start to get flaky. Even for some fun I want to be treated certain way you know!
I also feel like what I’m looking for doesn’t exist…September 21, 2017 at 11:50 pm #655912
One of my Girlfriends ask me… Are YOU the one who’s emotionally unavailable?
I’m asking YOU, the same thing now…September 21, 2017 at 11:54 pm #655914
Raven, uh huh. Yes that’s the question I pose on myself…
But you know I’ll make real efforts and I’m not afraid to dive in when I meet the guy that treats me the way I want to be treated! And I will know when I see it!
So I think it’s a fine line between my unavailability and not meeting the right guy. But then what’s the “right” guy.September 22, 2017 at 12:04 am #655915
Are you thinking with hormones or with your head …?September 22, 2017 at 12:14 am #655916
I have some loud hormones but I do have a good head… It’s been hard for my good head to catch up and play a huge part of decision making because not enough time has been spent with guys.September 22, 2017 at 1:54 am #655918
“I think I’ve built my own standards but I don’t know.
Could it be I’m too harsh? But I don’t want to settle.”
lol, yes you want to settle – otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here.
The older a woman gets, the more unserious offers and ghostings and flings she gets, and i’m guessing that is what is happening to you.
Guys of a womans age or youger, are never really her league.
Our league, are guys 20/25 years older than us.
Those are the ones most likely wanting a relationship with us which lasts longer than four months.
So if you want a guy not so old you need to play hard to get. For a looong time.September 22, 2017 at 2:23 am #655920
What do you mean I want to settle? If you mean I want to settle down eventually, yes I do.
I didn’t realize the older woman gets the more unserious offers she gets thing. I’ve never heard that before but it could be true. A lot of my single friends seem to move on from dates to dates when they realize it wasn’t going further. And for some friends that are even older, they don’t even get hot and available flings that I get. They get married men who wants to sometimes go out for dinner with a single woman. Ugh.September 22, 2017 at 2:34 am #655921
Pop, I understand
Yes, i’m 40, single mother, and get quite a lot of male attention, without even having any dating app, i only have facebook and messenger.
But all of these guys flirt with other women too.
And this is typical for women: Once we turned 30, we only get nonserious offers.
To raise our value, most dating coaches insist that we have strong boundaries. To be a chase. A mystery.
This week two men in their thirties asked if i want to hang out on a party with them. But i only say “Oh, sorry, cant this week”
because i want to go on one-on-one dates. But i don’t tell them that.
Men don’t like to be told what to do.
Last week a 50 year old guy, one of my old friends asked if i wanted to go on a date. But he asked on the same day. And i know how they treat us if we say yes to last minute dates. So i said “would be lovely, but i’m afraid i’m booked tonight”
And it feels tough saying no.
But if we say yes to offers like that, we only get timewasters.September 22, 2017 at 2:41 am #655922
Oh that’s frustrating!
I actually do not get those kind of offers that you mention. Sometimes I do, but I say NAH. I’d much rather stay home and nap than responding to that type of offer. I never go to last minute offers, and the second someone is a little flaky on me even once, I’m like meh.
So I do let guys lead, and I do get proper date offers. I’m a little mysterious BUT very friendly. But then guys seem to stop leading because they don’t get “me” fast enough? I don’t know.September 22, 2017 at 2:43 am #655923
So yeah, I’ve met $hit loads of time wasters in the last 6 months.September 22, 2017 at 2:53 am #655924
Pop so you say you know what you want, but do you want marriage and kids? If so then I think you just need to keep trying. Go on less dates and do more screening. If your goal is to find a serious relationship do not waste time “having fun”. There just isn’t time to waste, sadly. Before you go on a date find out if the guy wants serious. Usually the ones who do, who are your best bets, are up front about it. If you don’t feel the spark end it quickly so you can move on to the next. It is work finding a guy, just like anything else in life. And yes, I think you are right that the dating culture is really bad for women right now. And it is partly women’s fault. So many women will give men easy sex that a lot of them don’t think of settling down until 40…and then they want a women at least 10 years later. What I think this will mean is it is going to become more and more common for people to be life
Lisa I don’t know what dating coach you are seeing but she seems to have brain washed you. There is some truth in what you say but you take everything to an extreme. Playing hard to get usually makes sense int he beginning, but you have to accept a first date! I am Pop’s age and found a boyfriend 4 years younger. Yes a lot do not want serious, but if you weed some do. And men need to know you actually like them as well. It is true most men want younger women, but you are way over the top with 20-25 years. It is to find one just 10 years older.
I think you need to relax a little and you will have some better luck. If you don’t want to have kids the key for you is finding a divorced guy who doesn’t want kids anymore.September 22, 2017 at 2:54 am #655925
life long singelsSeptember 22, 2017 at 3:13 am #655929
Amanda, yeah I might be going on too many dates. I’ve been doing better with screening recently though.
I do want kids but my worst fair is having kids with a wrong guy. So I think at the moment my priority is finding someone right and if I end up without kids I could accept it.September 22, 2017 at 3:59 am #655938
Do you know what the things are that are turning you off them? Are they little things or big things?
It’s hard to figure out whether you’re too picky or the guys are lackluster.
Tbh, being single for a year isn’t that long if you’re looking for the one but I get your frustration. I felt the same thing when I was single last year.September 22, 2017 at 4:33 am #655944
Algo, things have never gone past 3 dates or 6 dates so I don’t find out about big things, so obviously small things but enough to make me question his character OR how into it they possibly are. Like I said I’m confident with my instincts and I’m a good judge of character straight away.September 22, 2017 at 7:36 am #655970
Pop, I don’t know you at all and I don’t know what your standards are. But you need to make sure two things:
– that your expectations are not mutually exclusive (eg you want someone with a well paid job yet you also want them to have a lot of free time or you want a guy with a great fitness body yet you want him to go partying, eating out and drinking with you);
– that whatever you expect from your man you also have (many women want a man who is disciplined, fit, has a good job while they are not the type of woman who such a man would even consider).
If you feel that those two conditions are met, then stick to your standards and keep on dating. You will not be happy if you settle. But don’t forget to work on yourself, too.September 22, 2017 at 10:14 am #655987
You sound very immature and like you just want attention then when you get it you don’t want it anymore. You seem to thrive on male attention and “Look at me I’m beautiful.” This radiated from your words. You seemed so proud of all the attention you get. That kind of stuff is shallow and will always get you the wrong attention and never get you a relationship. I bet you dress in tight yoga pants and low cut shirts too so you can attract more male attention. It’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person just someone with low self esteem who cannot see her own value. I was like you once. Just flaunted my beauty around and wanted attention. Now I despise it. I dress professionally all the time and I attract the right men now. I have been in a relationship for 3 years now with a gorgeous man inside and out. When you drop all the drama and superficial crap and the attention seeking a great man will come along. The signals you are putting out are definitely attracting the losers. Once you mature and see what a relationship really is and the value it can bring to your life then you will be able to see the good in men and find the right men and you will not want to get rid of them so easily. For now I suggest seeing a therapist for your low self esteem and to learn what your value is and how to love yourself 1st so you don’t need male attention in your life. When you love and value yourself then wanting male attention is not important. That’s when you will be able to find a great man and you will want to keep him. Keep going the way you are and you will be alone or with very shallow and broken men. Sorry if you see this as mean but someone needs to tell you the truth. When someone was real with me that’s when I turned my life around. It made me look at me and fix the things that were wrong with me. You need to do the same. Sugar coating things and sticking your head in the sand will only make things worse. Be a big girl and face your flaws and find solutions for them. It’s you not the men. When you realize this you will be happy in all aspects of your life because you will be able to find solutions for each particular situation. Good luck!September 22, 2017 at 11:04 am #655994
Pop a year is nothing. I always had at least a year between relationships. Good men aren’t that easy to find. Plus frankly the older you get, the harder it is as a lot of the good ones are already taken.
Definitely be more picky. Limit the number of dates you go on to men who you think have potential. Give them a bit of a chance. I’m not sure I felt massive chemistry with any of the men I’ve loved to start with, although they did enough to hold my interest just about.
I think as you get older you get more rigid on what you do and don’t like. That can be a good thing but also you could be discounting good men.
I have friends in their 30s and 40s who are pretty much always single. I have others that have divorced and met someone else within a year. I do think part of the difference is the 2nd group have experience of selecting the right man for them, being flexible and open minded when it comes to finding a partner, and know how to make a relationship work.
Take my friend. She was single for 6 years. We went out one night and some attractive guy was staring at her and trying to get close. I encouraged her to be receptive as she would have just blanked him, or at most be friendly but cold. I told her to forget her inhibtions, flirt, laugh, touch him if he touched her, etc. She went for it and he wanted to see her again. Then came all the over analysing and making assumptions. I told her to forget all of that, just take time to get to know him and don’t get attached. She did, he’s now totally besotted, they’re bf and gf and he has told her he loves her. She wouldn’t have got that far if she let her 30s cynical brain take over.September 22, 2017 at 12:22 pm #656023
Girl! Do NOT listen to anyone telling you that you can only date in a certain age group.
Age ain’t nothin but a number!
My bf is 7 years younger than me. I am divorced AND have kids. He thinks I am amazing and that he is lucky to have me. I mean, I do look young, but still.
Have your fun and date around. I did the same thing post-divorce, and when I met my guy and he showed his interest and began pursuing me, I soon realized that he was the one I wanted. Keep dating and someone will rise above and he will become special to you. He will be the one you would choose over anyone else you are seeing. And then when you have that exclusive convo, you will be happy to cut out the other guys.September 22, 2017 at 12:46 pm #656034
“Girl! Do NOT listen to anyone telling you that you can only date in a certain age group.”
That is not what i wrote.
I wrote that guys usually want to date younger women, often much younger.
But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t exceptions.
Or that you can’t make yourself attractive to guys your own age/younger guys.
I was only talking about probabilities.September 22, 2017 at 1:46 pm #656052
You wrote: “Guys of a womans age or younger, are never really her league.
Our league, are guys 20/25 years older than us.
Those are the ones most likely wanting a relationship with us which lasts longer than four months.”
The most attractive quality that a woman can possess is confidence. A woman will only get old guys 25 years older if that is all she thinks she can get.September 22, 2017 at 2:01 pm #656054
Lisa so you really think when you’re 40, all you can get is a dried up old grandad who’s old enough to be your father? (No offense to older men but you’re talking about men heading to retirement when youre still a fertile, relatively young woman!) If that floats your boat, great!
But my 42 year old friend is marrying her 39 year old partner next week and I went to the wedding of a couple where he was 42 and she was 39 a month ago. My friend I mentioned earlier is 40 and her new guy is 47.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing?!September 22, 2017 at 2:05 pm #656057
Lisa, you have just recently popped up here giving one track advice to every thread you post on: play hard to get. All that goes is get some men to chase you. It won’t get you a quality man who wil stick around. There’s already one person here who gives the speech about if you’re over 30 and single you’re in a weak position when seeking a mate and ather for children. It’s such a bore, and it’s not even remotely true. “Guys usually want to date younger women.” Another boring, untrue statement. You’ve got no evidence for that because there isn’t any.
Here’s what holds true – you get what you expect, in accordance with your beliefs. The outer world is a reflection of your inner world.
Pop, the issue is indeed you. I suspect you are focused on qualities that are shallow and not the things of substance that really matter and make for a long happy marriage. Also, it really sounds like you are the one who is EU. If you’re dating this much and it’s the same thing all the time, take a 30 day hiatus and redirect yourself. Get some outside coaching, perhaps, because when your best efforts are yielding nothing over a year, you’re barking up the wrong tree.