Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › be careful what you wish for!
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by
Sensy.
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just a girl
We’ve been together over a year, had some big moments — good and bad. This week I am sensing a shift in his demeanor towards me. I don’t know how to explain it but it seems deeper and more significant. We had a talk yesterday about how we need make time this week to talk about our plans and what we want to do moving forward — big and little goals and tasks, and how he wants to work those in together to be a team. About how I’m his main priority and that he loves me and he wants to make sure I know that I am loved.
The thing is, this is all good stuff I think. And I feel like I have deep feelings for him for quite a while (I definitely love him!). But now that I see this shift in him, I’m freaking out. Like oh sh** the jig is up! Because the only way to really move forward with someone at this point is to really let him see everything, put all my cards on the table and I’m not sure if I can do that. I don’t feel like I”m my best self right now, and maybe I need to fix some things before we commit at a deeper level. I’ve got to clean up my credit/finances, get my health back on track, resolve my relationship with a family member, things like that. You know — make the moves to be a person who is WHOLE. I figured I had a bit more time before I had to put my big girl panties on. ;)
I don’t really have a question — I’m just anxious. I’m afraid if I tell him this stuff (he knows about SOME of it, not all of it though), he will backtrack and go back to being loving but somewhat on his own path. I love seeing this shift in him, the move towards me in his life. I want to do the same and I’m sort of kicking myself I haven’t been working on these things already. I feel like I’m about to f*** it up big time. And I don’t know if I’m pulling this “not my best self” stuff as a fear tactic to keep myself at a safe distance, or if it’s actually that I feel like this is the best way to move forward for both of us.
I’m really not good at letting people in. I normally keep people in my life at a distance. It’s an issue — an obvious one, especially if I”m posting anonymously on a dating website. ;) I do have a therapist believe it or not, but I won’t be seeing her until next week. I just don’t want to mess this up.
Better off single
Just breathe and take it one day at a time.
I read a quote once that said something like instead of thinking about everything that can go wrong, start thinking about everything can go right.
I understand how hard or scary that can be especially when it seems like everything in your life is working against you. Focus on YOUR goals and take it slow. “I’ve got to clean up my credit/finances, get my health back on track, resolve my relationship with a family member, things like that.” As long as you and him are communicating, you can easily do those things and still have a relationship. It’s not like you have to get married and move in together instantly.
If you take it slow, it will grow. If you move to fast, it will crash.
Breathe.
Raven
He isn’t aware of these things already?
Newbie
Yeah one day at a time. You need to fix things for yourself not for him. You dont need to be perfect for him. And dont try to work on all of your things at once. Like finance and health, tjey are really important. When it comes to finance just work out a plan for yourself to get stable. It clears a lot of stress once that is in order. And dont forget to enjoy the relationship in the meantime
just a girl
Thank you ladies. :) Newbie you make a good point. If I take care of one thing, it will help with another and it’s all connected eventually. One thing at a time. And I will try to enjoy the present, I appreciate that advice too. I do have to remember that he loves ME, and even though I’m not where I want to be, he still picked me, as I am. I was single (by choice) for a long time. I thought I’d be in a different place when I found love but what did I know?!
p.s. This morning I read a comment on another post (forgive me for not remembering which one it was) but the commenter said something about how a guy who wants to be a boyfriend will ACT like a boyfriend and you won’t really have any doubt about it. THAT’s what happened to me and it really is true. It’s not a magic formula, it’s not about finesse or game play. If they want to be with you, they will make sure you know they like YOU. Sometimes very clumsily. But it will be genuine — like when you meet someone who ends up turning into a great friend. The more life experience you get, the better you will be able to tell the sincere ones from the game players. It took me a very long time to understand the difference but I think I get it now. If we ever part ways it won’t be because of any game play. It will be because of the other things that burble up in a relationship but games are not part of it. I’m grateful for that!
Sophia
“I do have to remember that he loves ME, and even though I’m not where I want to be, he still picked me, as I am.“
Exactly! He loves the woman he sees standing before him as she is. Nothing you’ve mentioned is going to change his mind about that. These things aren’t deep dark secrets, but simply things you’ve been meaning to get a better handle on.
No need to suddenly “put all your cards on the table”. They will come out here and there over time. Parts will be revealed. And trust me. He’s got cards you haven’t seen either.
SO many people wait until they’re making a certain salary, or hold a certain position in a company, or can afford a certain house, etc., before taking a serious step forward with a relationship. I think all they do is lose time.
It sounds like you have a really solid thing going. Making a serious commitment to someone IS scary, so this might just be your fear talking.
And at the end of the day remember, you, as you are right now, is who he loves and wants a future with.
kaye
First of all, if we all waited until we were “perfect” before committing to a long term relationship and a future together, no one would ever get married or live together!! And there is no need to “self-sabatoge” by throwing all of this at him at once. And I think that sounds like what you may have been doing in the past by not letting people in. For example, if he brings up moving in together or buying a house together it would be good for you to tell him you need to work on your credit/finances some. That’s something you need to discuss with someone you are building a future together. And of course you should always be keeping yourself healthy and quitting bad habits! But there is no need to tell him about issues with a family member unless he is going to meet them or at the point you are planning your wedding and have to discuss who to invite. Believe me everyone has skeletons in their closet and family issues!! Be honest with him but don’t throw everything at him at once because it could be overwhelming.
Dangerouse
I reccomend listening more and talking less. You sound like you could talk for hours about your feelings and your past. Enough already
just a girl
Dangerouse, I”m actually the quiet one in my relationship so I guess it’s a good thing you aren’t dating me or my boyfriend. Your poor ears would fall off.
Thank you for your help everyone. Nothing worth having comes easy I suppose! :)
Sensy
You make it a good point that a guy with good intentions won’t play games.
Women out there who are confused can remind themselves and avoid wasted time and inner turmoil. -
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