Balance between needy and hard to get – insecure attachment


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Peggy 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #777137 Reply

    Sylvia

    So I’m early on either almost all in (often happens with emotionally unavailable guys) or feel nothing. I turn them off. But I also scared guys away who felt they didn’t want drama and wanted someone easy to be around from the beginning, warm and available. I’m an over thinker..

    #777145 Reply

    Better off single

    It’s probably not a good idea to date anyone.

    #777165 Reply

    kaye

    First of all, part of what you’re saying is simply human nature. You don’t have a spark or connection with every guy you meet so there are some where you’re going to feel nothing. Zilch. Zip. Nada. But then there are guys who you’re going to meet and you’re going to like them but it may take awhile to warm up to them and get attached. And then there are those few and far between guys where you will feel an instant connection and get swept up in all these feelings. Not be able to stop smiling, stop thinking about him, wanting to be around him all the time and THOSE guys are usually the ones who can make you needy! Because you are wanting to see them all the time, wanting to know they are feeling the same way, and just being around them feels so great you are pushing to see them, for them to call you, to become exclusive, etc. You start rushing the milestones in the relationship.

    But I don’t see being needy as causing drama. So I’m confused about your comment as to you scare the guy away because they don’t want drama from the beginning. What kind of drama are you causing? Of course everyone wants someone who is easy to be around and warm and available. That is what attracts guys to you from the start.

    #777182 Reply

    Sylvia

    Kaye, thank you, you’ve summed it up perfectly! I kind of combined drama and neediness into one. I can’t hide my excitement and glow around the third type. How to do that? When I’m sad it’s visible, hurt – visible, falling for someone – the same. About such guys I think all the time. I heard from two of them I get attached too easily. They think and know they already got me :/ Chase is over. What’s worse, I sleep with them too soon but the chemistry on my part is so intense :/ I used drama incorrectly, it only happened with one who was a jerk who flaked on me, then call me names for calling him at 10 pm and I used too strong words but he really hurt me. He blocked me so I called from another number and it was recent so that’s why I still think “drama” about myself but he did drive me crazy.

    #777484 Reply

    Kim

    It is hard to have a balance I agree but you don’t need to be playing any kind of ‘hard to get’ games even with the charming ones who you seem to have a connection with.

    Just have some respect for yourself and don’t sleep with them too early. If you’re looking for a long term relationship sleeping with the guy early on is not going to make him like you more or respect you. Make sure you can actually trust the person and make sure they’re on the same page as you. For example there’s no point in dating someone who is just after a casual fling if you’re looking for something more serious.

    If you’re interested in someone you can politely accept when they arrange to meet up but if they don’t make an effort with you don’t bother with it. Women are not meant to do the chasing initially. If a man is interested enough he’ll show it.

    I’m not trying to be mean but you called a guy from another number after he blocked yours and you’re wondering why he thinks you’re dramatic? If he’s blocked your number that’s more than clear that he’s not interested. It’s not healthy behaviour to be quite honest.

    #777495 Reply

    Lane

    That’s interesting because I’m a lot like you, not that I ‘overthink’ but am more cautious about what someone intentions are, regardless of gender, so I’m an ardent observer (people watcher) and careful listener where I take a lot of ‘mental notes’ and then want them clarified if I see it as a flag and if I can’t get a good feel for who they are, I walk away. I’ve had no problem attracting men this way, if anything, I’m a challenge and I prefer men who are strong enough to break through—those who run away are woosies so best to weed those out early haha.

    Those who broke through I had long-term relationships with (longest was 20 years) and those who couldn’t didn’t for a good reason, so I wouldn’t look at it as a bad thing but a good thing. When you meet that guy, he’ll most likely be a keeper.

    #777505 Reply

    anon

    I think being authentic about your feelings is important.

    I think in MANY cases men bring drama on themselves. Don’t flake if you don’t want a call or text at 10pm asking what happened, bro. For me, I have dated enough to see that there is a pattern with men who “don’t want drama”, they are poor communicators who send mixed signals. So don’t even worry about drama. Obviously, don’t be over the top. But too many guys call it drama even when they are quietly questioned on bad behavior. Calling the guy back from a second number was a step into next level drama, but he invited that when he flaked, blocked etc. That said, in the future, any person who does the flake/not take accountability/block move is not ready for a relationship, so no great loss.

    If a guy is into you, honesty can go a long way. I had a guy- we had mutual attraction, and I was really guarded at the time. He walked away, and later came back that he never felt anything from me. He was very understanding when he understood better why I was aloof.

    For emotionally unavailable guys, you need to recognize that and not get invested. You can be warm and kind and enthusiastic, but you need to understand the likely outcome and/or the time frame of that outcome. You can’t fix their unavailability. They have to.

    #777602 Reply

    Sylvia

    Thank you all but ANON, thank you A LOT (*hugs*). I’m often in the wrong but you get me so perfectly! and where I come from. He mixed signals and blocking instead of speaking made me crazy. Like you said poor communication leads to this. Guys are surprised by drama and don’t want it but I’m all dressed up ready waiting for our date, it’s getting late.. a guy flakes. so it’s a bit like a ticking bomb. I called from another number because I was blocked right away so literally had no choice to speak up and I was emotional. I really have been rejected before by guys but when a guy has some class and communication skills I act gracefully. “I can’t make you love me”, that’s all, I’m gone with dignity. Btw, guys love telling their friends “oh, all my girlfriends were crazy”. You probably had something to do with it.
    Thank you for reminding me that it’s because I was into emotionally unavailable guys so the outcome is obvious. And honestly, they were all jerks so maybe it’s better to be blocked because you have to move on and not be benched.
    ANON, I’ll post a thread about it but I’d prefer a reply just from you. When I know I acted crazy and am worried that words spread about what I did how I can act with dignity when I have common friends/co-workers? Time heals but I’m not sure how fast.. Should I literally go into hiding or accept that I acted crazy but they were jerks so they shouldn’t ruin my social and not only social life?

    #777605 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi Sylvia-you could benefit from reading Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl” by Natalie Lue. Se ha a site called Baggage Reclaim that could be helpful for you as well-you will think she knows you and the kind of guys you date!

    #777606 Reply

    Peggy

    She has a site…

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