Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Bad break up after 9 years.
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Paige.
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Stacey
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We live separately, with no children and this was something we were looking into. We do work together tho and have done for our full relationship. We had an arguement 2 weeks ago over something petty and both said sack it it’s done we’re over. But I didn’t mean it and I doubt he did himself. After a week of not speaking (longest time we’ve not spoken for ever), I rang him. He said he doesn’t love me anymore and that it’s over. He’s not happy with me and we are done. In this 2 week period a new girl has started at our place of work and the rumours are rife about him and her, flirting, laughing and joking. Texting and snap chatting each other. Her giving him lifts home. We have spoken a few times. One day I thought we were sorted, he said he loved me and acted normal with me so I thought we were fine. The next day he said were not sorted as he doesn’t want me and we don’t work. Since that day everyone in work is now involved. Telling me rumours about them 2 and this is causing me more stress. I have asked him about it and he promises me nothing is going on (nothing has ever happened like this before). At the moment I don’t know what to do. I have hounded him with calls and texts saying I love him And we can work things out and everyone gets the same response. That it’s done leave him alone. All I want is for him to say he misses me and we can work it out. I don’t understand how after 9 years things can suddenly change now. At the moment my ex and this new girl are both on nights. I will Soon be going onto nights myself to be a manager. The idea of me taking that job was because he had just changed into nights. Feeling really fed up at the moment with it all. Any advice would be helpful.
Paige
Let it go, honey. It’s over.
T from NY
Never, ever make a man dump you twice. It’s not a good look. Be a lady of worth and refuse to chase a man’s backside.
If y’all weren’t engaged and-or living together after nine years with no children that’s a giant cherry red sign something was wrong in the relationship (unless you’re just uber independent but you sound like you may have wanted more those years and didn’t get it and went along).
Are you really admitting to hounding him? I am not trying to be cruel – I’m just asking you to listen to yourself. Be wary that even if you stop chasing he may come crawling back after he’s had his little fling. He should be WORKING HARD to stay in your life and should be make to work hard if he tries to come back. Stop doing his work for him.
He knows where you live and he knows your phone number. If he truly is moving on it’s pretty disrespectful to you and your recent breakup to be flaunting it to co-workers after your long history together. Not that he doesn’t have a right to do whatever he wants – he’s single now. But it shows me his lack of concern and care for you. Grieve this. Tend to you. Heal. And find someone who treat you better after you’ve mended.
Ellie
Rule of the thumb: Don’t ever chase a man. It will only make them run farther away from you.
He has repeatedly told you he’s done, so why don’t you give it a rest and refocus on yourself? I’m not encouraging you to put your hopes up but sometimes, after we turn our backs, the guys come running back again. If that happens you can then assess if you still wish to give this relationship (and him) a second chance. By then I believe you should have a clearer mind. And if he doesn’t come back, well, you would have felt much better (if you’ve used the time to self-heal instead of hounding him) and will be in a better place than before.
Paige
I hate to sound mean, but to borrow from Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada,” did you fall down and smack your little head on the pavement?
He has told you that he doesn’t love you anymore.
He has told you that your relationship is over.
“But after I hounded him with calls and texts saying I love him and we can work things out – all of which get the same response from him (“It’s done. Leave me alone.”), there was ONE message that said he loved me and he acted normal [whatever your definition of “normal” is] to me for the rest of the day. Why would he say that if he didn’t mean it?”
I don’t know either of you, but I would suspect that it wasn’t a convenient time for him to listen to your broken record, so he said something he KNEW would shut you up and let him get back to business, because he KNEW that he could set you straight the next day (which he did).
“All I want is for him to say he misses me and we can work it out.” Sweetie, there’s an old saying that goes, “Want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets filled first.”
I think you should pull up your big girl panties, accept that “the other hand” is going to be filled first and leave the poor guy alone.
If you refuse to do this and continue to terrorize him in the name of “love,” I see “the one hand” actually being filled in the very near future…but filled with a restraining order, not with a declaration of love.
Decades ago, the Rolling Stones sang the advice I think everyone on this board is trying to get through your hard head: “You can’t always get what you want” – but you CAN grow up, leave him alone, don’t even THINK about hounding the new girl he’s seeing and get some therapy.
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