Avoidant Partner?


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  • This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 3 years ago by Maddie.
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  • #846440 Reply
    Zenaya

    I’m an anxious attachment and my boyfriend is an avoidant. I told him I loved him, but he is not the type to say it back. Does anyone relate or know an avoidant and know of ways they express their love? He told me once when I questioned it, “I’m still here and always will be, so that should be your sign”. Yet, I guess my thoughts or how I was raised or maybe my personality in general has caused me to believe that I need to be told someone loves me or I feel as if my energy and time is being wasted.. I’m a bit lost. He does open up to me, he has told me this “it’s like drinking. I let myself get the buzz, but then I shut down and back off when I’m afraid of getting drunk” which, still confuses me a bit, but I was hoping someone else insight would be helpful?

    #846446 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    My bf is avoidant. He is most definitely improving after 3 years of dating, but I know that’s how he’s wired so he will always have that tendency. I’m pretty secure, however, so I don’t have the same struggle that someone with an anxious attachment has.

    I think it’s hard to generalize about avoidant personalities, but my bf’s love languages lean towards acts of service and gift giving. He’s constantly doing things for me, cooking for me, etc. He doesn’t give flowers or chocolates, he tends to be very practical and buy me things I need or are useful, or else he creates things (he’s an artist)- he makes special artworks just for me, that are meaningful for the two of us. So I appreciate it deeply because I’m not a flowers-and-chocolates type of woman. (If I were a flowers-and-chocolates type of woman, I wouldn’t have been with him for so long). So ask yourself is your bf showing his love in some other way? Also it’s hard for my bf to say “I love you”, just like your bf. That’s typical of an avoidant. I tell my bf I love him without any expectation of him saying it back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t, but it doesn’t change my approach with him.

    It’s interesting that you mention your bf opening up and then backing off. I think that’s very typical avoidant behavior. The thing to understand about an avoidant is that vulnerability is scary for them. So if your bf opens up, and then retreats- let him. As he gets more and more comfortable with being vulnerable, he will do it more. Vulnerability for him is like sticking a toe in a cold swimming pool, then pulling it out, then sticking a foot, pulling it out, sticking a leg, etc– until his whole body is in the pool. Or let him sit at the edge of the pool, with his feet dangling in ;-) Opening up probably doesn’t feel natural to your bf so you have to let him get used to it and get comfortable with it. Don’t pressure or scramble for more if your bf opens up and then retreats. If your vibe is relaxed and open, and you don’t react negatively when he pulls away, he will come back faster.

    There are plenty of psychology articles online about loving/dating an avoidant. I suggest you do some Googling and read a few. At the end of the day you have to decide what works for you. If you are anxious then an avoidant boyfriend might be too triggering for you. In my case, my bf is my best friend, makes me laugh constantly, is gentle and tender with me, and makes me happy. I love being with him. So the avoidant part of his personality I can accept. I can understand it. And I have seen that by modeling more secure behavior to him, he has become more secure– look up “partner buffering”. But for other people (like someone who is anxious) it might be too triggering to have a guy who doesn’t say “I love you” consistently, or who doesn’t buy you flowers on Valentine’s Day. It’s really about knowing what you need from a relationship.

    #846478 Reply
    Maddie

    While Liz is giving good advice and you’re right to want to figure out how you can discuss with him ways for you both to feel secure in the relationship, I want to add that there’s plenty of information also available online about how to become more secure within yourself if you have an anxious attachment style. The real key to working through these dynamics is actually doing what you can on your own end to focus on yourself and healing your attachment wounds, unrelated to him. The more secure you can get within yourself, the smoother your relationships will feel for you and the less triggered you’ll get having an avoidant boyfriend. From there, you can more fairly gauge if the relationship meets your needs and communicate about them better as well, which will feel better for both of you.

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