Are you upset about something?

Either accept it or end it. This conversation is over and he told you where he stands. He will not change. Choose.

He asked if you are upset about something because as you said this happens all the time, so how is he supposed to know you’re pissed off about it now? And you’ve raise this issue with him in the past and he’s given you an ULTIMATUM stating this is a boundary you shouldn’t cross. So obviously there is no way to bring up their unhealthy relationship without causing conflict or a fight because he’s clearly told you that.

And I seriously don’t think she’s sitting around waiting for you to get on the phone to call him. It’s clear from what you said she calls him from the time he wakes up until she goes to bed at night. So she’s going to constantly call him without regard to whether or not you two are on the phone. As someone else pointed out this is their dynamic and just because you have come into the picture doesn’t mean it’s going to change. And I would say she probably hates you because you are trying to waltz in and change it!!

Exactly how old is she? I mean if she’s 85 that’s one thing but if she’s 65 you’ve got a LONG time to deal with this. You have to decide if he’s worth it or not. Personally I don’t think I could put up with it. And anytime the two of you fight you know she’s going to be there talking bad about you hoping he breaks up with you for good so she has him all to herself again. Relationships are hard enough when you have a family that supports you, but add in someone who doesn’t like you and has that strong of a hold on him and you’re going to be having an uphill battle your ENTIRE relationship.

I would get out of this relationship immediately. Unless you’re a teenager, never stay with a man that chooses his mother over you- that will never improve and it will ruin your relationship in one way or another.

Your answer to him now is- yes I’m upset that I will be ending this relationship with you because you have chosen your mother over me.

Take care and that’s it. This would be a deal breaker to me.

We had a discussion and he asked me if there is someone else as I looked distant. I said no there is no one else and I don’t like to be accused of this. Just then his mother called and he said he has legal stuff to take care of and ended call with me. Two hours later he wants to speak again! I lost my cool and told him that I don’t like this modus operandi. I also told him that looks like his mother is stalking us and whenever we are both online at the same time she wants to speak! He got very frustrated and asked me how dare I accuse his mother of stalking and that I need to apologise. We had heated too and fro and I feel that’s it. I can’t take this anymore.

Just a bit of background, I did not know about this special bond until a long time and when I did find it odd that he tells her everything, when he is eating , where is he going, sends her selfies when out for walk or gets a haircut, shares pic of every single meal , his garden, any new purchases and what not! Then refuses that he is mammas boy or that she has any influence over him. We went on a short vacation last year for two nights and he did not speak to his mother cautious of the fact that I might have problem with that but in second day started acting really frustrated, started watching a lame documentary on bears instead of spending time with me then when I changed channel picked up a big fight and told me that he needs fresh air then came back after an hour all normal!! I did not relate it then but now looking back in retrospective he must have gone to call his mother!!

Every time we clash, he goes straight on phone with her and I hear pin drop silence! I do not hear from him for hours unless i message and he is ok to have cooling off periods of as long as 2-3 weeks or even month, he never says that he misses me. Silent treatment just doesn’t works on him, he calls her! He does claims that he loves me and is crazy for me and we do get along well when he is acting mature and has no influence on anyone and for this I stayed in this for so long but its getting on my nerves so bad now. And oh she is 65 year old therapist who helps people learn from their relationships and help move on to the new one!!!!

Oh dear girl!! I’m sorry but if his mother is a relationship therapist and this is the relationship she has with him then you will NEVER win!! He will go running to her with every fight and she will analyze your behavior and make you out to be the bad guy saying this is her field and she sees it every day!! I know you are hurting but you need to be running for the hills from this guy and his mom!!

I said the part of “you have dumped me” as during the call it was established that his weird bond with his mother is affecting our relationship pushing me into breaking up with him rather than him having guts to call it off! Which in a way his breathing is down.

Sounds like your at your wits end. It often takes these kinds of moments to say “screw this” and end it because the constant battle isn’t worth it. She would have won anyway, so don’t beat yourself up, its a creepy dynamic they have, that no lady will win.

YOU need to break up with him! Stop being passive-aggressive as that’s not how you solve anything but make matters worse. If your done, just do it, tear the band-aid off, then go no contact, and grieve the end of this relationship that never would have made you happy in the long-term! Your happiness is your responsibility, so grab it, take ownership of it, or continue to suffer. Pick one but you have to fully accept the one you choose. If its him, then you have to fully accept his mother is a package deal, and will have to accept she will be first love, and you will be the mistress in this dynamic.

I’m sorry. I know this is hard after 2 years and envisioning a future with this man. I do agree with Lane you are being passive aggressive here. I think you need to be very direct with him or he’s going to make this about you accusing his mother of something she didn’t do (according to him). I would call him up, say you know what, I do apologize for saying your mother is stalking us. Because that’s not what this is really about.  What it’s really about is the fact you can’t eat a meal, get a haircut, fix your car, buy something or go for a walk without sending your mother a picture of a selfie! You have to talk to her every night until she falls asleep!! Yet you refuse to acknowledge this is unusual behavior.

I can no longer deal with this un-natural relationship you have with your mother and you’re not going to find another woman who can! And you know there’s something not right about it or you wouldn’t have tried to hide it from me on our first vacation together. You talk to her from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed and it’s constantly interrupting our conversations when she calls. I can see it’s not going to change and I can no longer deal with it.  This is the only thing we constantly fight about and you have given me an ultimatum that I can’t get upset or talk about it. I can’t live like that so I believe it’s best we break up and go our separate ways.  

I think kayes idea is going to backfire spectacularly. Here is another approach

Honey, I have been thinking about it and I am sorry I called your mother a stalker. This is an issue that we keep fighting about and I know neither of us want that. How do we get to a place where you support your mother, but we have our own life and time carved out too. I need to be in a relationship where boundaries apply as they relate to family. Can we solve this together?

And if he answers that with he will do nothing, then leave.

CAN still be attached

This is not going to change- assume it’s over and let him know that this is not going to work. In some way she will always interfere- especially a young couple like yourselves. Kaye I think has already been married and this is her 2nd marriage so she’s older and needs are different in a relationship. I can tell you first hand that this is going to be a huge issue that will interfere in your life forever.

Kaye- yes your MIL situation is much balanced. My bf is nearly that age and his son is 34 and not married- so guessing the couple is starting out and not in a 2nd marriage. No need to compete with a mom who as a therapist has no boundaries herself- bad news all around