Am I wasting my time?!! Advice pls


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  • #902515 Reply
    Lottie P

    Met a great guy visiting my country on a trip. Unfortunately met him at the end of his stay but had a great first date.

    We’ve been in touch everyday since he’s left 3 months ago. HE messages me first. If I leave it a couple of days, he’ll reach out again.

    But he hasn’t given me any indication it can be anymore. He’s said to let ‘him know if I’m ever on vacation where he is’. Not I want to see you again or let’s make a plan to meet at some point.

    What would you do? Cut it off?

    Is this a waste of time?

    #902532 Reply
    Raven

    Yes, you are on hold for a guy who lives in a different country!

    #902570 Reply
    Sophia

    And a guy who never mentions getting together again. What’s to cut off? A pen pal friendship?

    #902576 Reply
    Maddie

    It’s been a tough year+ for most and can be hard to meet and connect with new people right now. Sounds like he’s enjoying your company but it’s not going anywhere romantically. If you want to be just friends because you enjoy the connection, great. If you expect more than that (and maybe a casual hookup if you do see him in person), and if staying in touch will be a “what if” distraction that will keep you from being open to meeting someone actually available for a relationship, then bail out.

    #902765 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    If you’re expecting this to be anything more than a pen pal friendship, then yes, you are wasting your time. Like Maddie said, if staying in touch with him will be a distraction to you and keep you from meeting guys locally– then yes, I think you should cut it off. When he contacts you, be less responsive. Tell him you need to focus on dating guys in your area, and don’t have the time/energy to constantly message him.

    #903329 Reply
    Peggy

    Yes, this guy is a pen pal and that is all. If he was very interested ,you would know it. My son from Canada, met a girl from Europe, when they were both visiting England. They met at a hostel and have been together every since. Many trips and vacations and now live together in her country. That is what serious intentions look like in action.
    Date guys in your area and move along. Good luck!

    #903366 Reply
    Tara

    Dating is so hard. Finding your mate depends on so many things. Timing, location, upcoming commitments, etc. etc.

    I would forget about this guy as a mate, but keep him as a friend. It’s very hard to make friends, you have one now in him. Keep looking for your mate, and make this guy one of your friends. That, you will never regret. Trying to make him your lifetime mate, eh.

    #903879 Reply
    Trixie

    Yes… I would end it.

    #904204 Reply
    Lottie P

    So you all think I should cut it off?

    How do I even bring it up? Maybe he’s just seeing me as a friend?
    I don’t want to be mean but also I dont know if it’s a good idea to just keep chatting

    #904245 Reply
    Rox

    Hi Lottie,
    If you value the pure frienship part of it. You can continue just space it out so you are just texting once every 3-4 days.. and you are not constantly thinking about him like a potential bf.

    #910525 Reply
    Lottie p

    Hi all,
    So I cut it off, told him I wasn’t up for this ‘friendship thing’ and he just said it was great meeting you. It’s like he didn’t care. He hasn’t responded to my last message.

    I do now feel like I’ve lost some connection and wondering if it was the right move. It was more for me but Why is walking away so tough?

    #910538 Reply
    Maddie

    It hurts, but that doesn’t mean you should second-guess yourself. You did the right thing. I really believe that the best case scenario here was he was hoping you’d be a casual hookup in the future if one of you was in town… and in the meantime he would have likely met someone else who wasn’t long-distance and faded out on you instead, hurting even more. There wasn’t upside here for you, no actual good outcome unless you were happy with some casual friendship and nothing more. His response reinforces that. It is okay to feel pain over lost potential, and after some time, you’ll be open to meeting someone who will actually be available for what you want :)

    #910732 Reply
    tammy

    i agree with Maddie. there is nothing to regret. his casual response to your messages shows that what you did was the right thing to do. you actually gave him more than a casual thought and he was pretty flippant about this whole thing. you may think about him for 2/3 days but than am sure you would forget soon. this was a waste of time and you did the right thing since you were beginning to catch feelings i think.

    #916647 Reply
    Lottie p

    Thanks ya’ll.

    it’s proving to be tougher than I thought. No contact since he ghosted my last message but for some reason he is all I can think about. I thought walking away was supposed to feel empowering??

    Everytime I see his social media I miss talking to him. Now I’ve seen he’s travelled not far from me and I’m even more bothered cause that’s after he told me he couldn’t.

    I’m so tempted to message but I’m guessing that’s a bad move?

    #916652 Reply
    Ewa

    you shouldn’t be bothered, he basically lied to you so you should feel happy that you ended it with him.
    if it’s easier unfollow him and stop seeing his stories, why do you care what he is doing?

    #916680 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Yes, it would be a bad idea to contact him. Unfriend or unfollow his social media if it bothers you to see his posts. The fact that he traveled near you & didn’t even mention it to you shows how little you mean to him. I hate to be that blunt, but it’s true. You obviously were way more into him than he was into you. That’s ok, that’s life, it happens.

    Look at it this way, this is a guy you had 1 date with. You’ve built him up in your head but you don’t really know him. Chatting isn’t a good way to get to know someone. He obviously isn’t bothered about contacting you. Think of how awful it will feel if you write and he doesn’t reply, or replies in a very minimal way. Try finding some other focus, a hobby, friends, family, volunteer work, anything. No good will come out of contacting this guy.

    #917035 Reply
    Sofia

    You could always try reaching out just telling him that you really miss him and really are interested in him and ask him if you’d be willing to further pursue this beyond being just penpals? Him ghosting you could also be where he is hurt like you are rejecting him I’ve noticed sometimes guys try to act like they don’t care when they’re really hurt.

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