This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hollie 2 months, 1 week ago.
July 8, 2018 at 6:36 am #711927
So i’ve decided to get back on the old dating horse.
i’m only 26 but after spending the majority of my teenage years being in a relationship i decided to take a massive hiatus on commitment. i’ve been involved with people casually in my 20s one very on and off relationship but not relationship for three years. So i took a break for a year from being to involved and continued casual love affairs but i’ve never been a big dater. I could probably count on my 2 hands how many real dates i’ve been on.
I’ve been talking to a man (21) from a dating website since March, he works with the forces. So the time comes and hes returned home for a few weeks and we decide to go on a date on his last week before he returns to work.
We go for a lovely meal in the city at lunch time, we then decided to get a drink then go back to his parents house as he is dog sitting while they are away. (who doesnt love a puppy) we talk for ages get a few more drinks, have dinner then go for a walk on the beach with the dogs. come back cuddle up watch some films, keep talking and drinking. We go to bed but keep it as PG as possible. a few kisses but hey! i’m only human. I wake up in the morning and he has made me breakfast. I say i need to get home and he basically escorts me back to the city centre and walks me to meet my friend. (all of which i said i was fine to travel on my own)
We part ways he leans in for a kiss and asks me to text him.
Later that evening i thank him for a lovely night, we chat a bit but i fall asleep then wake up to an early text “hey beautiful howre you ?” so i send a light response back, i havent heard anything. he hasnt opened my message but he has been on. Now i try to avoid texting every second of every day, so our chat has always been super casual and relaxed. As i said previously i know it was his last week and he spoke to me about all the things he’d be doing before returning to work for a month.
its been a few days since our last exchange, i went for a small tea date with someone else and been a social butterfly and busy in general. I’ve tried not to be overly hung up on this as its only one date! but i did enjoy his company and would like to see him again.
I’m unsure of the dating etiquette, what are my next steps?
i wont chase any man, so if i’ve not heard from him after a week i would just assume he isn’t interested and write it off.July 8, 2018 at 7:52 am #711928
T from NY
Sounds like you’re doing fine. Absolutely sit back and let this man contact you again if he’s going to. You’re absolutely right not to chase a man. Though I would ask yourself if you’re looking for someone to date or just be casual? It sounded to me you were ready for something more. If you’re open to something long term — a military guy is not a good bet unless he’s really motivated to keep in touch and looking for the same things. But it takes ALOT of trust and a woman with a certain constitution to date military personnel successfully.
But since you’re back out there I would suggest the following references I feel to be dating Bibles and self-love sacred references. Read the book Why Men Love Bitches. I downloaded onto my iPhone. It teaches you how to be a calm, peaceful, but assertive woman. Read advice from Evan Marc Katz who is an online dating coach and gives a no-sugar-coating male point of view of how men think. Continue reading this forum. And Ask Polly who is also online and teaches you to love yourself. Baggage Reclaim (also online) is an amazing site for most of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes or find ourselves as codependent adults chasing emotionally unavailable men (or being not emotionally available ourselves).
If you read these materials regularly you’ll be smart and full of love for yourself and make really informed choices when you date. Good luck !July 8, 2018 at 8:01 am #711929
T from NY
I would be very, very wary of any man who I went out with once or twice and then didn’t set up another date quickly or who dropped significantly in communication after a date and then popped back up again. When a man wants you, and is serious about being ready for a relationship in their lives, they do not let you get too far. When dating I learned to pay the most attention to the men who were paying the most attention to me. I tried very hard not to get hung up on the ones I liked, or felt I had the most connection with. All that stuff doesn’t matter if the man is not motivated to court, and win you. Men who court you — get air time in your head, and maybe eventually, a place in your heart. Anyone else don’t even waste your time thinking much about.July 8, 2018 at 10:31 am #711944
I tend not to look at things as right or wrong, but instead effective or ineffective. I would say that your first date was probably ineffective. The reason why is because you basically had a long and intimate date that you would have with a partner, not as a first date.
Women get a false sense of knowing (bonding with) a man when they spend time communicating with him, texting, emailing, talking, etc. A man does not bond this way. A man bonds with a woman by doing things with her. You just don’t get to know someone unless you spend time with them.
Because of this lack of emotional bond from a male, when a date goes too far too fast, it is like a man eating a whole cake in one sitting. He is full. And possibly not interested in that flavor anymore.
Obviously I don’t know what is going on in this guy’s mind. But from patterns I have seen over the years on this forum and from personal experience, hot and fast rarely works out, if the man is not paced. My guess, I would just move on if I were you.
A man who is excited to meet and get to know a woman is securing a second date. Especially if he is going to be shipped out soon again.
In the future, take your time to get to know a man to determine if he is good for you. Let him have an opportunity to win you over and prove to you he is a good man. That way a man invests in the woman and that is how he bonds with her and falls in love. If you take that away and move to fast, he will move on. Good luck.July 8, 2018 at 2:19 pm #711968
My sense is that he wooed you,met you,had some “fun” and you may hear nothing more from him. I agree that if you want to get into a real relationship,a long distance or military guy is not a good bet.
Also a couple more tips. For a first date,you spent way too time with him-2 hours max even if you are getting along-leave them wanting more. He was a virtual stranger and you went to his/his folks house? That is dangerous. Then you almost had sex. All things I would advise against. Read some of the material others have suggested. Good luck.July 9, 2018 at 11:34 am #712120
First dates should be casual, short, and let the other person start to miss you. Always keep the other person wanting more.
I actually recommend never going on a date longer than a movie and single drink (so, tops 3 hours) until they ask you to commit. And always have something to do to cut your date short. “I have a project from work, gotta go.” “Dinner with a friend.” “Meeting my cousin at the gym, sorry”.
Your time is your most valuable resource. Use it wisely.July 12, 2018 at 2:30 pm #712722
Thanks for the great advice ! i will bare this for future dates.
Again i’m so out the loop and we had been talking for months I think i just got carried away.
Whenever i go on dates i send my girl friends a picture, full name – link to a social media if i have one and pins of my locations and “check in” we all make sure we do it for those of us that are single.
At first I was only going to lunch with him and it just spiralled really but i think next time i will stick to the advice given here.
But in good news he did actually text me today apologising that he never saw my messages and had a crazy week before he went back.
I’m kind of feeling though it would be a headache to go any further with him even if i do like him for many of the reasons yous have pointed out xJuly 12, 2018 at 3:12 pm #712729
Believe in your instinctsJuly 12, 2018 at 3:39 pm #712742
21 year old dudes are still teenagers in terms of maturity and communication, do not waste your time on them. he’d ghost you because he doesn’t know how to explain himself. Most of them are very clumsy socially, looking for hookups etc.
Look for men your age and older, avoid guys under 25.July 12, 2018 at 9:21 pm #712760
Don’t do anything. You responded to his last message. If he wants to see you again, he knows where to find you.July 12, 2018 at 11:24 pm #712771
You are doing the right thing. If this guy wants to see you again he knows where to find you. Don’t chase after him. As someone else mentioned he’s 21. Generally at that age guys are not looking to settle down in a long term relationship. He probably just wants a bit of fun. If you’re looking for something long term definitely don’t date a 21 year old or anyone under 25.July 14, 2018 at 9:37 am #712918
Yeah i’ve decided i can’t be doing with the headache of games.
I’m happy with casual relationship or meeting someone to develop a real one i just respond to honesty so much better. instead of people dressing it as one to get another.
I think i’ll take this as “i had a nice time” but now i know how i’ll move forward almost like a practice run for a more mature man.
i’ve been enlightened to some information about this guy i had a date with and i think i’ve had a very good escape early on. (not dangerous information but playing into the stereotype he so claimed he wasnt)
But i super appreciate the advice on here and have found it very helpful!!