Am I an overreacting parent?


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Nathalie 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #750803 Reply

    Anon

    Hi all,

    Just need a bit of advice really I’m not sure if my anxieties are normal. I’ve been a single parent 20 years and it’s always been myself and my boys with the odd relationship along the way but I’ve never lived with the guys or anything. My oldest has now left home and it’s just myself and my 15 year old. I have also been dating a new guy for nearly 15 months. Now my boy he spends a lot of time in his room he has no interest in going out with friends or doing things I want to do with him I’ve worried if this is normal for his age he’s says everything’s boring and he can’t be bothered doing this or that he rather just be on his xbox. My new man spends time with us and he does come down to my house and my son come down and and chills sometimes but now and again we want to have time alone to go out and stay at his etc but I feel extremely guilty with my boy just sitting at home doing nothing like I feel I should be there to do things with him or spend time alone with him.

    My partner says hes old enough now to do his own thing and I shouldn’t keep on at him to come spend time with us downstairs or try and get him to go on trips out of the house but I feel like when I’m at my boyfriends I should be home with my son I even ring him and see if he’s ok and Sk him if he wants to do something or if I have a weekend off I should be doing things that he can join in with but when he says he can’t be bothered I feel anxious and bad for going to do it without him and leaving him home. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t do anything with him or I’m always out with boyfriend whilst he stuck at home. I’ve had this Anxiety for a while.i don’t know if this is normal

    #750816 Reply

    Wow

    I don’t think leaving a 15 year old at home without supervision is a good idea. Kids this age get into all kinds of trouble without oversight.

    Your son sounds depressed. Kids his age don’t want to spend time with mommy. They want to be doing their own thing and be with friends. If he has no interests outside of gaming than I see that as a much bigger problem than not spending time with you. Do you know exactly what he does in his room all day and night? How are his grades with school? Why doesn’t he see friends or hang out with friends. What other interests does he have and can you encourage him to pursue such as martial arts, working out, etc.

    You seem more focused on your own anxiety and not looking at what’s best for him. You may want to get him to a therapist if he isolates this much to tease out what’s wrong. One thing that comes to mind is that he has never had a father figure. That’s rough and embarrassing for kids. Are you sure he isn’t on drugs? Using drugs will result in this type of isolation too. Maybe he gets high and that takes up his free time.

    No this is not normal. Instead of worrying about spending time with the boyfriend I would seek counsel from a professional for advice and talk to teachers to see what else you learn about his behavior.

    #750819 Reply

    Anon

    Hi,

    His grades are very good the best in his class. He doesn’t go out with his friends all the time he says because they can’t be bothered either and he says he just likes chilling in his room and likes his own space. He says he isn’t down he says he just doesn’t like doing the things I want to do. People tell me it’s just him being a teenager I know he’s not on drugs or anything like that.

    #750831 Reply

    Lane

    I had two son’s and my oldest was this way. He too was smart but very introverted and didn’t like to socialize or do things other playing his xbox. I however didn’t allow it, put time limits on it and made him get out of the house and try things because too much of one thing and not other’s is not healthy.

    He too took hardly any interest in my suggestions such as trying this, that and the other until he finally found something that ‘sparked’ his attention and that was AFJROTC. When he got into that he BLOSSOMED to the point he was hardly ever home by hanging with his new friends, joined the Cross Country Track team; student council (shocker); plus a PT job and taking extra AP classes too! I was like who is this kid??! Complete transformation but you have to keep nudging him to try different things, even if they don’t like it at least they learn the concept of ‘trying’ to learn new and different things until they find some that sticks and have more than just one thing to keep then from being bored.

    My fear as a mom is that it could evolve into an addiction if not monitored. Their minds aren’t developed yet and living in a fantasy world is not healthy and needs to interact with the real world or you could potentially have a 40 year old gamer living at home still unmotivated because you enabled (allowed) him to become that way. I personally would CUT out the gaming and force him out of the house and try new and different things and maybe he’ll find that one thing that gives him the spark to spread his wings and fly towards others like mine did and is still doing so at age 28 where he finished college, was an officer in the military and now in Secret Service training. My constant NUDGING to try different things even if he didn’t like or want to try it was the type of parenting he needed to push him out of the nest and become a successful man.

    Like they say “Behind every successful man is a woman”…you need to be that woman.

    #750832 Reply

    Stephen

    Your son’s behaviour is perfectly normal. He has realised the sterility of the modern world and that most people are just marking time until death. It is good that he gets good grades though as it shows he understands that getting into a good university and getting a good job will mitigate a fair bit of modern life’s meaninglessness.
    Perhaps you can suggest that he considers taking up a martial art? This will get him out of the house,improve his physical and psychological health and make him feel part of a community.

    #750846 Reply

    another mom

    That’s a tough age to deal with for any parent. :) You should set up a weekly time for just the 2 of you to do something together. That’s what I ended up doing with my kid who was the same way — I also figured out that physical activity got him to talk way more than something like going to dinner or watching a movie. So sometimes we’d just go for a walk around the neighborhood, or we’d find a park or fun place to explore. Figure out how to set it up so he opens up to you, then do that with him on a weekly basis.

    Just set something up once a week, make it consistent and eventually he will come to rely on it if he wants to share info with you. Teen boys have a need to separate from their parents, especially their mothers, while they are growing up and figuring out where their place is in the world. That’s needed for them to gain independence, but once a week meetups are a good way for you to still maintain a connection without smothering him.

    Then use that time to get him to share some ideas that he might like to try in order to be a part of life outside his room. Eventually he might come up with something, with your guidance.

    #750849 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    I also have two sons and the youngest was like your son. He likes his room, he doesn’t need therapy. Hes fine. Just you being there is enough. Go out, but not too much so he feels the comfort of you just being in the house.

    They learn a lot from their games. My son, all on his own, up and announced at 19 that he was joining the army
    And he did.

    I understand you feel guilty, you can’t help it because you love him.

    But kids like to be left alone.

    #750863 Reply

    Nathalie

    My brother is exactly that type of way if not more.

    From growing up and all he has always been the antisocial type. Says he cant deal with people’s nonsense. He doesn’t enjoy social media and he is clearly unadventurous. It always takes him extra hours to be mentally ready for any family event we may have or anything that is a must he goes that involves other people. My parents were concerned but we just realized that nothing is wrong with him. He just doesn’t enjoy going out in the world. He now goes to work and come straight home, talk to the family a bit, maybe cook but then goes to his room and starts gaming/watch his series or work on a project. He was always a straight A student as well and has a very good tech engineering job. He doesn’t dress weird or look geeky. He is chill and fine.

    Growing up I know he has done some mischief such as testing alcohol and smoking, losing virginity etc. But all of that is out of his system he says. He simply dont enjoy it at all. It could be new years eve and all he wants to do is be in his room (he calls it his sanctuary) and game all day and all night. You do learn a lot from those games. Gaming is very educational a lot of parents dont know this. It is filled with strategies and brain picking. It of course depends on the game genre and level. He doesn’t want a gf because he says he cannot give her the attention of a relationship at this time. And he is right. He is now 29 years old always been this way and a lot of people would think he is a man child and wasting away his youth by the sound of it but honestly it’s his life. He knows what’s out there. He knows who he is and he is such a peaceful person. He isn’t a fat guy behind a computer screen all day either. He is pretty in shape. Good genes we always say. Lol. I know he will get on well with girls when he is ready for it because he treats me and our mom with upmost respect and he understands how females function. My only concern is women might use him for his kind nature. He is just too freaking humble. You just won’t have any issue with him for real.

    I think your son communicates very well with you in terms of how he feels. He knows you are there for him but being left alone is what he enjoys. He is not depressed. And he doesn’t have to be a raging teenager to be normal. No need to feel guilty or concerned. Just keep being mom and let him have life experiences at his own will.

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