This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Nadine 1 week, 1 day ago.
July 10, 2019 at 8:15 am #756658
I usually do not seek for help but now, I feel completely broken down and need some help even though I feel like I know the truth deep inside. I feel stupid and ashamed that someone can put me in such bad state… I feel depressed and hurt and I cry everyday ( I am a grown ass 26 yo woman)…
I have started seeing this guy and everything was going very well; we saw each other every week; he called me baby, he was extremely loving, he also told me he was my boyfriend which led me to believe that we had an actual relationship. We also planned things to do together and I have to be honest… I fell really hard for him. I thought that everything was going well until now.
We are both students and we were very busy end of June (exams and thesis) so we did not see each other as much but we talked about the things we would do after we would be done; I was so happy and I was looking forward to spending time with him.
But during the week of his last exam he stopped messaging me completely, I saw his profile picture on whastapp was not there anymore ( I almost had a heart attack and thought he blocked me for no reason) so I waited a few days and then messaged him asking him if everything was ok and he replied to me that his grandfather passed away ( right before his exam) ; that he was not very close to him and that he was spending time with his family; he also told me his phone broke and he lost all his contats and chat history etc.
I replied telling him I was sorry for his loss and his family was ok and so on; I told him good luck on the exam and that is all… His last exam was last Friday and today I have not heard from him for a whole week.
I have lost someone who meant the world to me; I know grief… However, if someone is important to me I would take 1 minute to at least message and tell him/her that I am not well or that I need some space if that is the case. To me, this is the least I could do out of respect and care.
Now I do not know if it is him ghosting me (which is heart-breaking after being completely led on for 2 months) or if he is just with his family and has no time at all ( I saw him online many times though?!) .
I wanted to message him to tell him that I wanted to give him space because I know how difficult it is to lose a family member but I do not like being ignored this way because I just think I do not deserve it. That the most decent thing to do would be to at least message or all and tell what is wrong.
I was loving and kind to him and the least I deserve is a small message, whether it is breaking up with me or simply telling me he needs time off.
Now I am extremely hurt. I feel stupid to have falling so fast for someone and the idea of being possibly ghosted after all the nice things he told me and after how he acted it me is just heart-breaking. I do not know is he is just a horrible person, if he is grieving or if he is selfish.
Anyway; I do not know what to do now; do I ask if he is ok and put my pride aside ( for being completely ignored!) or should I honestly tell him that I do not like being treated this way?
Thank you for reading and the help; I truly need some right now :(July 10, 2019 at 8:54 am #756663
You do not need to message him that you are giving him space, just give him space. You have already expressed your concerns for him and his family which is considerate of you. Looking at what you have written, however, I do think he’s trying to end things with you. The excuse of the broken phone seems made up to me. I would begin your own grieving process and move on from this guy. Start by no longer contacting him.July 10, 2019 at 9:21 am #756668
You got love bombed. When it’s too much too soon, it doesn’t last past 90 days, guaranteed. You just cannot fall for guys who act like this! It’s OK, you’re young, you didn’t know.
I”m amazed at how guys use a “family emergency” to end things. That along with a “broken phone” tells me he’s ghosted you.
This is not your fault, it doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough, and you shouldn’t get depressed over someone else’s bad behavior. It should be more like, wow, glad I found out what he really was and now I’m not going to waste more time on him!
Now you ghost him back. No more contact. And if he comes back around, tell him you’ve moved on. I’d block him on all channels right now so you’re not tempted to contact and he can’t reach you. No word for a week means he lost his access to you. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. Guys these days, especially young ones, don’t seem to know how to end anything with any class.July 10, 2019 at 1:07 pm #756693
Thank you for replies.
And thank you @cincygirl for your support. It really helps to get a new perspective.
I should have known better.July 10, 2019 at 1:35 pm #756706
This fellow is going to be thinking:’great! My grandfather died,I am stressed out over my exams and NOW my girlfriend has dumped me!!’ Men have only half at best the sensitivity of women so I would give him the benefit of the doubt.July 10, 2019 at 1:56 pm #756707
Stephen get off this site. You’re useless. There’s no excuse for a guy to go completely silent on his so-called GF for an entire week. None whatsoever. You have no right to make this girl feel worse than she already does.
What happened to this place? Used to be you could get some good advice. Now it’s the same half dozen idiots spouting off all day long.July 10, 2019 at 6:45 pm #756744
Sorry, Stephen just has his head in the clouds. When I was 30, I dated a guy who did pretty much the exact same thing, but after month 3. I wasn’t just in love with him, I had just turned 30, thought I had found my best friend, future husband, and never, for even a second thought breaking up was a possibility. Instead, things pretty much did a 180 exactly as you are describing. Fast forward to months 3-7 and my life went from happy and full of things to look forward to devastated, depressed, and I became really insecure. It’s difficult for me to admit, but I just turned 34 and the effect that relationship had on my ability to enjoy life or be in a good, healthy relationship for the past four years was almost as traumatic as the inevitable breakup. I know people are different and guys are different, but based on what you’ve explained about him, yourself, and your reaction and feelings currently, I am only saying this with such conviction bc I want to tell you what I wish I had done much, MUCH sooner.
Rules to live by:
If he cares about you, you will never feel like he just doesn’t at all.
Sure, sometimes guys do/say dingbat things, but they are wired differently. There’s a big difference between feeling neglected in a relationship or hurt by something they did/said (or didn’t do/say) and feeling like they don’t care about you or your feelings at all. When you feel the latter, something is wrong. Always.
That feeling in your gut? It’s reality.
Things can be off and yes, sometimes people (guys) need space, especially when things in their life are stressful or hard. But your 26 and I’m assuming he is close in age: after college everyone knows how to treat each other. He knows his behavior (ignoring you etc) isn’t kind and is hurtful—everyone knows and guys are no different. His willingness to let you sit in that pain is a red flag the size of China. Needing space is one thing, but taking it on your own terms knowing it will be detrimental to someone else is another.
Phones don’t break, people do.
The strange thing here is it usually takes 2-3 months for people’s true colors to surface. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s just the amount of time before narcissistic spots revel themselves, but whatever it is, it hits you like a brick wall bc it literally comes out of nowhere. When’s the last time you or anyone you know had a broken phone for more than 24hrs? 2007. Yeah, same here.
Guys don’t take risks with the things they want or care about the most.
Simply put, if he wanted you all to himself, he wouldn’t risk losing you to someone else. It is hard to hear, but one of the best pieces of advice my own brother ever told me.
Marathon runners who start the race at a faster pace than usual for the first 5k finish the race slower than their slow-but-steady competitors. (It’s true, I promise!)
Too much too soon just doesn’t work. It’s not sustainable, too extreme from what life was before said relationship started, and inevitably leads to burnout.
Sorry for rambling (I’m waiting for my car to be serviced, to be honest) this is the only time I’ve ever responded on a forum and I really just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s awful. I wish someone had said these things to me at the first signs of an eerily similar situation—it would have saved me a lot of time then and a lot of years pouring myself into work to avoid dealing with my emotions while ending relationships with fun, smart, kind, good guys bc of my insecurities in dating and relationships.
Last things I think you should do:
-run. Like not just from this situation, but physically go out and sweat. WORK OUT. A lot. You can either sweat it out or cry it out and at least the former burns calories.
-laugh. At least try. Watch an actually funny movie or ellen’s “Relatable” or anything that is light hearted and uplifting while reminding you how your smile muscles hurt. It’s like a shower for your face and I promise you’ll feel refreshed.
-stop drinking for two weeks. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Detoxing everything helps and will also prevent you from being drunk and crying/texting/finding a different rando to take home only to cry more when you either get home or the next day.
-hang out with your FRIENDS! and try not to talk about this for more than 20% of the time. Your friends can only help if you are able to control your emotions. Try hard and it’ll happen.
-give yourself a break. You did nothing wrong. Delete the text thread bc no, you aren’t missing something.
Make yourself happy and know your worth. You’ll be ready for the next one and in a healthy place that will make that one last.
I hope you feel better soon ❤️July 10, 2019 at 6:55 pm #756745
If women can deem it completely unacceptable that men don’t contact them for a week then men can turn around and issue their own rules. They should say to women:’if you text me more than 10 times in a 7 day period then it is irrevocably over!’July 10, 2019 at 6:59 pm #756746
A very kind and generous post Rachel. 😊July 10, 2019 at 7:18 pm #756748
I agree with what Becky said. Please see this as a learning experience.. not to get sucked into a relationship so early on when you do not know him. Even at 6 months you don’t know him fully.
Act Like a Lady Think Like a guy.July 10, 2019 at 8:10 pm #756752
Which means don’t take Stephens advice, he isn’t a real guy.July 12, 2019 at 5:57 am #756864
Thank you for all your anwsers; it is extremely helpful.
And wow… Thank you Rachel for taking the time to write such a lenghy and helpul reply, when I read it, it all suddenly became quite clear. This really helped me and even brought up a tear in my eyes. I am sorry you had to go through something like this as well… Funny how this hurts more than an actual breakup; at least in the latter situation there is enough honesty and respect to tell the other person that it is over.
Thank you very much and I will definitely follow the advices. <3July 12, 2019 at 8:37 am #756872
Wow, this is crazy!! am in a similar situation…
My anxiety is so bad right now. Someone told me I am overreacting which made me question my whole behaviour.
As a prestory. My boyfriend who I have been seeing for 2.5 months (or who knows by now) was supposed to come over on Saturday to sleep into my birthday on Sunday. He did not show up on Saturday, I texted him when he did not show up as intended. He had fallen asleep. I was upset, tried to call him, he did not pick up. We had a chat conversation then. He could tell I was disappointed and sad. We agreed for him to come on my birthday. He did not show up. I texted him and he said he was too depressed because he had no present and the day had been bad. I said, okay, I am here for you. Let me know. I asked him how he was the next day. And then 2 days later again. I deleted a third try to ask him so he can see now that there is a deleted message. I am so scared.
He has not even looked at my texts. He is not reacting. I decided to leave him alone for now but I am blaming myself but a part of me knows it is not unreasonable to ask how you are and checking up on someone. I feel as if we already broke up without me knowing. I am crying constantly. Feel sick. Panic. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so, so scared. I cannot eat. I want to stop thinking about it. I love him but he is ignoring me now and I have no idea if it is harmless or if simply ghosted me out of nowhere because I was so disppointed for him not showing up on my birthday.
I don’t know what to do. I feel as if something is wrong with me. I am in so much emotional pain.