This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 4 months, 2 weeks ago.
June 21, 2019 at 12:48 pm #754524
Hi guys, I hope you guys can give me some advise/ opinion on the below.
Background story: I’ve met my bf from Tinder and we’ve been dating for 11 months now. He emotionally cheated on me about 6 months ago. How I found out was I feel he was acting different and seemed depressed. I thought it was work related as during that time his work was understaffed and he had to cover extra shifts.
I decided to ask him what’s going on and he told me work has been fairly stressful. I still think something is different so I looked through his phone. I found that he was chatting to this girl for a few weeks and even met up for lunches. By reading the messages they sound like they just met and haven’t slept together yet. So I confronted him on the spot and obviously he can’t hide anymore.
We broke up for 2 weeks and it has been really painful. He asked for me back. He didn’t make any excuses for his cheating and he couldn’t tell me why he did it.
And of course I accepted him back bc I do love this guy a lot. We got back together, I had to have a mindset to trust him again otherwise the relationship wont work.
Recently we went on a 1 week holiday, we took heaps of photos and one night I was sending it over to him on WhatsApp and I noticed the notification didn’t pop up on his iPhone. (I’ve seen in the past he has the notifications on on WhatsApp) So I sent another photo few minutes later to see and still the notification didn’t pop up. I’m the only person on his WhatsApp contact so there is no need to turn the notification off. And I notice him going into the app just to see. I know in WhatsApp u can archive the chat and it will reappear again if the person msg.
Tell me guys if I’m overthinking here or he just wants to chat to his female friends but too afraid to do so in case I will overthink.
The way he is doing look so suspicious!
I keep telling myself he will not be this dumb to do it again. He even bought a house 5 minute away from mine. (I’m from Australia, he grew up on the East and I’m from the West).
I don’t mind him chatting to other female friends as I do have male friends that I do chat to as well.
Honestly he is a really lovely guy, I met his family and friends over the months. It was just that time he fked up.
Sorry for the long msg guys!June 21, 2019 at 12:56 pm #754526
This isnt going anywhere. Nobody forgives people for cheating easily. Once a cheater always a cheater. Leave his lying ass sooner than laterJune 21, 2019 at 1:51 pm #754541
You don’t say what they chatted about.June 21, 2019 at 2:09 pm #754544
Im going to focus on whats app. I have chronic issues with whats app. Sometimes i get notifications and then that changes to nothing without me doing anything. I also sometimes turn it off to turn roaming off when in not on WiFi. So you cannot conclude anything from this except that its save to say you still dont trust him. I also wonder why you took him back so easy without him saying sorry. It doesnt bode well for a future where he cant even say why he did it.
Its really up to you. If you have a gut feeling he might get sucked back into something you might as well ask him if he would do something like that again now you have been back togetherJune 21, 2019 at 8:12 pm #754603
He did apologize many times when he asked me back. He admitted he had feelings for this girl. He didn’t make any excuses for his mistake. Sorry, I didn’t include it in my initial paragraph as my story is already way too long!
He realized he doesn’t have feelings for her when he knows he completed lost me in the relationship. I know a lot of people will not give a cheater a second chance but i love him a lot and part of me thinks he won’t do it again.
The conversation between them was about work in the beginning. The girl asked him whether he has a gf or not and he ignored the question. There was a few ‘goodnight, sweet dreams’ and cute emojis. To me, I only say sweet dreams to my love ones.
I understand I don’t have concrete evidence at this stage and I don’t want to accuse him and sabotage the relationship.June 21, 2019 at 8:21 pm #754604
A Real man© would not have aplogised. He would have gotten you and this other woman pregnant.June 21, 2019 at 8:39 pm #754606
LOLz, Stephen! Long live virile Real Men!June 21, 2019 at 8:43 pm #754607
and I’m glad you weren’t taken out by the trollsJune 21, 2019 at 9:08 pm #754608
Taken out by the trolls? Stephen IS a troll!June 21, 2019 at 9:24 pm #754609
He said he had feelings for this girl, but then after you found out he decided he really didn’t have feelings for her? Does that make sense? It means if you hadn’t found out he would still be talking to her? Because if you didn’t know he would not risk losing you, right?June 21, 2019 at 9:40 pm #754610
Yes I know what you mean. Prior to me looking into his phone I had a long talk with him. I told him I will give him my support through his hard times at work and in life.
But of course I still want to go through his phone.
When we had our talk during our reconciliation process he told me he was going to tell that girl about us and stop seeing her as he only wants to be with me. According to him, he did came clean to the other girl, but I guessed I will never know if it’s true or not.June 21, 2019 at 9:50 pm #754612
Yeah… you know him better than any of us. That sounds like crap to me. He didn’t confess his love until he got caught. And these weren’t just text messages. They met in person and spent time together. He said he had feelings. How can he have feelings if he’s with you? Is she an ex of sorts? How did he meet her? How long had he known her?
When he got caught he had not yet told her about you. I personally would have asked to speak with the other girl and confirm he let her know he already has a girlfriend. It sounds dramatic but it will get the point across that you aren’t a fool. Too late now obviously.
I totally understand why you would now be suspicious of when he changes pattern. It’s a real kick in the face to tell him how supportive of him you will be only to find out he is cheating on you.
I would remain alert but not paranoid. He needs to be transparent with you moving forward if he wants to regain trust. It’s not good enough to just say he now realizes he only wants you. He may or may not be someone you can trust. Some men and women just can’t resist the attention of the opposite sex and are easily swayed. He might or might not be one of them.June 21, 2019 at 10:01 pm #754615
T from NY
See here’s the issue…You. Will. Never. Know. if he’ll cheat on you again. The symptoms could look the same as when he’s just stressed, a little depressed, has something on his mind, or his phone is acting wonky.
I absolutely believe that most men who cheat will cheat again. I’ve seen it happen over and over with multiple family members and friends. The woman always forgives and goes back to them and then, boom, their worlds are turned upside again.
I do not abide cheaters. But that is me. Cheaters make a woman anxious, insecure and worried. Fretful is the opposite feeling of happy and safe. It makes women question their guts because their trauma gets all mixed up with their real and proper radar. No thank you. You deserve better. Everyone does. I’m sorry I’m not much help to your question.June 22, 2019 at 4:02 am #754632
You are still on the honeymoon period. Quite honestly he doesn’t sound all in. And sad to say because you have forgiven him or taken him back he won’t be so concerned about losing you. I think you deserve better tbh. I think you will struggle in this relationship to the extent that it’s no longer enjoyable. Maybe pull back a ton for a week to think it through. XJune 22, 2019 at 9:17 am #754647
Thanks guys for the advise and opinions, I truly appreciate every single one of them.
My bf works at F45, the girl is a member there, she text my bf one day to ask some question about the membership. With that particular F45 they don’t have a landline they give out their mobile phones on their email signature.
From what I gathered she emailed him and got his number there and that’s how everything started. From the exchange of text msges it looked liked it’s been going on for about 3 weeks or so. She doesn’t go there anymore.
We’ve been going alright since we got back and I agree with u, Funny, I need to be alert and not paranoid. I need to have a positive mindset if I want things to work.
I’ll see how I’ll go, if it happens again there will not be another chance.June 22, 2019 at 9:28 am #754648
Although i usually agree wit T and her very well thought out responses, i want to add one thing and that is your timeline. He did this when you were not together that long and he might have not been fully involved and therefore crossed the line too easy. Now you are 6 months further. I think there is nothing wrong with having a talk with him. That you notice you can get anxious when he behaves like he did back then and how he would handle it now. You can show him this affected you without going in accusing mode. You can even give him the whats app example as an example. And that if he does get attracted to a girl he decides what he wants to do about it, nothing or break up with you. Especially now youre still in the getting to know phase. Anyway you like some reassurance on his part and there is nothing wrong with thatJune 25, 2019 at 7:52 pm #754989
You do not trust him, therefore the relationship is doomed. He cheated on you. Emotional or physical, same difference. If you hadn’t caught him, they eventually would’ve had sex. This guy is a grade A douchebag and you seem very sweet and caring. Drop him like it’s hot. I know you will be hurting but you will get over it eventually. When you find the right guy who treats you with respect, you will not even think of this guy, I promise.June 25, 2019 at 7:54 pm #754990
Also, stop making excuses for him! And next time, recognize and don’t ignore red flags. There is no such thing as cheating one time. They always do it again.June 25, 2019 at 8:07 pm #754992
They say that men will forgive an emotional affair far easier than a physical one.* Whereas women can forgive a physical one but not an emotional one.
The truth is men think women are talking out their backside when they go on about emotional cheating. Men see it has yet another way women seek to torment them. More proof, if more proof were needed, that men and women were simply not designed by Nature to spend much time together.
* Because they don’t believe there is such a thing as emotional cheating.June 25, 2019 at 8:53 pm #755001
Yes Stephen, women were a using earth to torment men. SmhJune 26, 2019 at 11:45 am #755035
OP, it sounds like he was still on the fence about committing to something long term with you and that’s a natural feeling, can be very scary to essentially change your life for another person, so not something that should be made or taken lightly. You walking away was the best move you could make at that time because it forced him to feel what his life without you in it would feel like and due to that was able to move from half in to all in and that’s what you want and need if you’re going to continue. I wouldn’t hold it against him, as I’ve done the same when I was ‘unsure’ as its a perfectly normal feeling to have and again, shouldn’t be taken lightly. One of the men I did this too (almost walked away due to uncertainty around the same time frame) I married 2.5 years later and were married 20 years so its a big deal and shouldn’t penalize or punish him for feeling uncertain—just start from the point he went ‘all in’ and go forward from there.