Advice


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  • #849729 Reply
    Ava

    I met a man online in December. It was fairly intense from the beginning in that initially we’d spend hours writing messages each day then once we’d met and started texting it was pretty much a conversation throughout the day whenever we were free.

    From the beginning he was very open that he wanted to find something serious, his wife had left him for another women nearly a year before (this was the first time he’d dated since beyond a one off date with a woman he’d met just before me) and he’d just turned 40 and wanted to feel like he was back to living the life he’d expected after everything had fallen apart. I’m a little younger (33) and live a couple of hours away though I’m in the area once a month or so anyway because of work. For the next 18 months I can’t relocate because of my contract and I only had every few weekends and maybe a week every month or so I could spend with him. Initially (before we met) he said he didn’t think that was what he wanted but wanted to still get to know me, but after a week or so he said his feelings had changed and he thought it made more sense to find someone who was what he really wanted rather than just someone in the right place at the right time and he felt like I was worth the compromise.

    After the first date he’d been getting really excited, normally it would have been a bit off putting but I did understand after everything he’d been through, I asked him to calm down (in nicer words), that I couldn’t guarantee where it was going but I did really like him and wanted to get to know him, he said he understood and that he was keen to keep seeing me without any expectations.

    Anyway we’ve spent a few full weekends together and in between talked constantly. He told me the last time I saw him that I’d made him happy again for the first time since it’d happened, that I’d given him his confidence back. We’d talked a lot about spending more time together in the future, trips we’d take etc.

    Then the last date my (platonic, married) male friend sent me a picture of himself after having cut his own hair, which he saw over my shoulder and later some other messages which he saw notifications for. And my other (gay, engaged) male friend tried to ring me to catch up and I missed the call which he saw. He didn’t say anything at the time but later the second night said he was worried I was getting bored, I said I wasn’t and that I liked spending time with him. Looking back I know I should have been more effusive but I’m naturally quite a reserved person and I guess I underestimated how much it bothered him.

    The day after I got home we were texting as normal when he brought up the texts in a really weird, passive aggressive way. I’d just had some bad news (disappointment at work) and I suppose I was a little bit upset at being accused of cheating when I hadn’t cheated and we hadn’t even really discussed exclusivity. I didn’t address it and he went silent. I text him the next day and he responded really curtly which was completely out of character.

    A couple of days of silence and I rang him, he said he didn’t want anything more to do with me romantically although we could be friends, because he suspected it wasn’t exclusive for me anymore and he couldn’t ignore his intuition and be made a fool of again. I explained about my friends and apologised for not putting his mind at rest at the time, I explained why I hadn’t. I suppose in part I felt we were too old for that sort of thing now. He said he’d wished I’d said that at the time, that he thought I’d been acting strangely for a couple of weeks now though. That he’d known I didn’t think it was going to be a permanent thing (this isn’t what I said) and thought he was ok with that but had since been worrying he was going to get hurt and have wasted loads of time on me. I said that’s not what I meant, that I was just trying to temper some of his tendency to get carried away, not to be a villain if it didn’t work out though I’d hoped it would too. He said he’d obviously underestimated what I felt, that he was really sorry but he’d turned his feelings off and didn’t know how to turn them on again, though when I said if he felt that way I suppose it would have happened anyway he said he didn’t think so, that if I’d said something the first day it would have been different but he’d sort of resolved to it now. He was nice about it and I managed not to get too emotional. He said he was just really keen to get back on track to ‘find a wife’, that I’d made it feel temporary and he hadn’t let himself think of me as a long term option, though he thought he would have if I hadn’t tried to hold him back. We ended up just having a normal chat about other things and agreed we’d stay friends and maybe have a drink or etc. if I was in the area at some point. I said I thought I’d feel awkward about reaching out but I missed talking to him and he said not to worry and he’d get in touch first. He did text me a couple of days later, we had a fairly normal chat but very different to our usual back and forth all day and it died off after a couple of hours. I’ve been in touch once since and it was similar.

    I know it probably sounds like there are some red flags there anyway, but I’ve been (silently) really struggling since. I hate not being able to chat to him properly throughout the day, the idea I’ve hurt him without meaning to or that if I’d just called a few days earlier it would have been different. I’m not able to eat much or sleep properly, and I feel on the verge of tears quite a lot. I know that sounds really dramatic, I think it’s partly the lockdown and partly that I got out of a long term relationship in the middle of last year and I’d only just started feeling normal again a couple of months before I met him so I hate feeling like this again so soon. I suppose too I keep feeling like I’m missing something, that surely it isn’t possible to just ‘switch your feelings off’ overnight and not be able to change that even if you were wrong. So I don’t know if he doesn’t believe me and he’s just resolved to put me out of his mind or I just don’t understand because I’m not a man and my brain doesn’t work the same way.

    Anyway I’d really like your thoughts, but please be kind.

    #849738 Reply
    Newbie

    I didnt read through to the end since it was pretty long of the same him accusing you of cheating.
    I think you need to walk away from this guy. He was too intense from the start already anyway (and so were you) without both of you really knowing each other. But after meeting a few times his crazy is getting through already. His crazy can be temporary since i assume your partner leaving for another sex is very hard to deal with as a man in particular. So i think he is nowhere in fully getting over that. And then you still dont know if he makes a good partner. I wouldnt bet on it. Just take your loss now and move on. Thats the smart thing to do if you want to find a good match and maybe also a man to start a family with

    #849750 Reply
    Kayla

    Do not get involved with a man who has been cheated on. He will punish you for what the ex did. He will never trust you. In the case of a man whose ex left him for a woman, he will not trust you to have male or female friends. It’s hell.

    Most of the time these men who’ve been seriously cheated on never recover.

    Let this guy go, if you try to stay all you will get is more of the same. I know. I’m living it and it’s ruining our marriage. I’m fed up with paying for another woman’s sins and I”m about to leave and it’s going to be ugly. Don’t let this be you too.

    #849764 Reply
    T from NY

    I really agree that men who have been cheated on are reallllly difficult to deal with, just as women are, if they don’t do A LOT of work around healing. Men moreso, because even they do go to a couple of sessions of counseling – our culture doesn’t allow space for men to talk about how hard it is for them because their masculinity has taken a hit being cheated on, let alone dwelling on it. (Is how they feel) But I think the bigger issue with dude is – he’s either convinced himself that what he’s saying the reason for the break up is true, or he’s just plain full of crap. If he’d done any kind of healing, and TRULY saw a future with you, he would have been ecstatic that he read your feelings wrong and/or projected his past hurts onto your actions. He would have apologized and let you know he’s going to continue to work on that area because he doesn’t want to lose someone as awesome as you. That’s what a guy who’s really into you would do.

    I know you might be struggling – break ups are always hard. But wow you were smart to make diligent attempts to pace the relationship for EXACTLY this reason. It’s always a red flag when a guy is over the moon about a woman he doesn’t even know yet. Because a healthy, confident man knows his value and ain’t gonna declare his commitment until he assures the woman is good enough for him as well. Second guessing your actions, feeling like you might have been too reserved yada yada – are just normal mechanisms of thinking you could of prevented the inevitable to avoid Sitting In Your Discomfort – because let’s face it – as necessary at is to SIYD – it’s sucks big time.

    You got this. Feel your feelings. That a connection you were initially enjoying is lost, that you eventually have to start again, maybe you’re concerned you’ll ever find true love, etc etc. All the things single people feel when they’ve broken up with someone. Rejoice in your wise attempts at pacing. Be grateful he showed you exactly who he is right now (even if he dearly wishes to be a different man who can trust a woman again), tend to you. Summer and more sun are coming. You will be just fine in time.

    #849825 Reply
    Maddie

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my experience, men who got divorced *without wanting to* take a couple years to get past it, and it’s not a great idea to be one of the first couple of people they dip their toes back in with (I learned this the hard way, too). It’s potentially far worse that he was left for a woman too, because that’s an even larger self-esteem hit if he’s basing his worth on his relationship and feels emasculated… like, you were never able to please me in the first place (not like a woman, especially sexually!) and this marriage was always set up to fail, YOU could never succeed so I cheated and I’m leaving you.

    Anyway, as said by other posters, he was throwing off a lot of red flags that he’s not done the healing work he’d need to for a healthy relationship after being cheated on. First, he love-bombed you (more on that later). Second, if he hasn’t even really started dating again yet and is already dead set on immediately finding a new wife, he’s looking for a replacement. Which means he’s just seeing an open wife role that needs filling (“right place right time!”), and not seeing the actual woman he’s dating. Third, he said a whole bunch of stuff making you responsible for his happiness… that’s not good. “I’d made him happy again for the first time since it’d happened, that I’d given him his confidence back.” He needs to be able to make himself happy, not rely on you for validation and to feel good. If he can’t, then you get projected all over and you get into a situation the other posters mentioned where he takes his anger for his ex out on you because he can’t emotionally regulate himself.

    This all culminated in him making tons of assumptions about you and not communicating with you, only telling you all this after dealing with it by going silent and then immediately ending things based on his anxiety. Sure, maaaaybe you’re also just not compatible because you said you’re more reserved and not dropping everything to soothe him, but really he handled this terribly. Which doesn’t make him a terrible person, but does make him terribly not ready to be a decent partner.

    Part of why you feel awful is you got love-bombed and then got blind sided and accused of awful stuff you didn’t do. I’ve had this happen too (not by a recently divorced guy though), and in my case it was all out gaslighting. I felt AWFUL and panicked with confusion for days, but also missed all those contact points I’d gotten used to! This will pass if you go no contact and detox from all the intensity. Agree too with the other posters that you did the right thing in trying to pace this, and that is a good thing to continue doing. Because often when you try to pace things with a guy who is projecting an idea on you and rushing (emotional) intimacy / love-bombing, he is not available to really show up for you, and healthy pacing will cause him to show him his true character very quickly.

    I’ve had a partner in the past who was cheated on, and so I took initiative to make sure he knew I had male friends and was never hiding anything. But he’d done the hard work to get past what he needed to on his own, before we met, and my efforts were actually unnecessary. He wasn’t distrustful going into things and never made me feel like he was projecting anything or responsible for his happiness. Everyone has baggage, but you’ll want to look out for the good partner who takes responsibility for his own and doesn’t put it on you.

    Feel better soon!

    #849903 Reply
    tammy

    have dated a few men recently. many of them tried to love bomb me. when i suggested lets take our time, they cooled off. imagine at 8 pm your full of love and kisses and future. by 8 am your all done..

    you will feel bad about this for some time, but please don’t go to him and plead with him to give you another chance. you did go to him and explained things. then you tried to give him some more time to deal with his fears. but he chose to cut off. if he genuinely liked you, he would have simply been relieved and happy to know his fears were unfounded. instead he made it sound that your responsible for triggering his fears. your not.. if he really loved you, he wouldnt be doing this. and the fact that is doing this despite knowing the truth, means he doesnt really like you that much or that his fears have got the better of his emotions. either way nothing you can do here. let go and move on.

    #849917 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Oh darlin’! You are lucky this did not go any further. This is not a healthy man.

    #849962 Reply
    Peggy

    Hi. Agree with other posters that this guy is not healthy ,and not ready for a relationship. I would not try to “be friends” either.

    I have a couple of comments that could help. Do not be on/have your phone on, when you are on dates. It is distracting and rude, in my opinion. That would have solved the issue of him freaking out over perceived ideas of “cheating”. But he also sounds like he is a suspicious/jealous/insecure person.

    Also be leery of a guy who seems to be “looking for a wife” right off the bat. It is possible he is trying to fulfill a role/job/gap in his life and not falling in love with you ,on your own merits. My current husband, did this years ago. He decided he “had everything but a wife” and met and married someone within a 3 months. Needless to say, it was a disaster for them both and he knew rather quickly he had made a huge mistake. Find a different guy…

    #849985 Reply
    Ava

    Hi everyone

    Thank you for your comments it’s very much appreciated. It has made me feel a lot better to try and consider it from the perspective that he’s just quite broken and probably shouldn’t be trying to date, rather than the issue being me not being more encouraging/vulnerable from the beginning, not communicating better about his worries, not making more time for him. His wife’s father died recently and after that she essentially came out and told him she wouldn’t be with another man again, that she finally understood his craving for sex etc having been able to experience attraction for a partner for the first time in her life. So it’s not that she’s bisexual, the implication is that she never really saw him as more than a friend. I do feel very sad for him but you’re right it shouldn’t come at the expense of my own happiness and he hasn’t acted very well.

    Love bombing was something that occurred to me a few times even during, but I don’t think he’s narcissistic at all, just deeply lonely. He never seemed like a typical f*ckboy pretending to offer me things to get his way etc, and I don’t believe this is the case at all. He talked about the situation with his wife very rationally, he’d given it nearly a year before looking etc, and seemed to wish her the best, so I assumed he was ready to try and move on. When I told him he was coming on too strong he said he just wore his heart on his sleeve and always had, but he’d try and reign it in.

    Peggy – in response to your advice about having the phone on, that’s not something I’d normally do on a date but in this case this was me going round on a Friday morning and leaving on the Sunday night, so it’s not really reasonable to not check my phone the whole time. I wasn’t using it aside from when he was doing something else but I guess he spotted things coming through when I’d just left it on the side.

    I suppose it’s just made my head spin a bit, but I’m sure I’ll get over it, I hadn’t really made my mind up either way about him before this happened so it’s annoying that it’s affecting me so much. Thanks again.

    #850008 Reply
    Newbie

    Sometimes its astounding to me what women blaim themselves for. You did nothing wrong, that was all weird and a bit scary on his part and yet you pinpoint a few thing that you may have caused. Really im glad you see now this is not a healthy man to date. Good luck

    #850009 Reply
    Maddie

    I’m glad the posts are helping you consider the bigger picture here and not overly blame yourself!

    I wanted to add that love-bombing doesn’t automatically = narcissist. While narcissists do tend to love-bomb, anyone who is somewhat emotionally unavailable or unstable or has weak boundaries / sense of self could also do this. In my opinion it is always a red flag, but the red flag is not necessarily narcissist. It may just be someone who is insecure and not ready for real intimacy who: needs an unhealthy amount of validation, or feels they have little to offer and wants to hook you and fast forward before you “see through” them, or is addicted to fantasy honeymoon period intensity and can’t show up past that or loses interest when things get real, etc. That’s why slowing things down if you’re at all uncomfortable at the beginning (as you did) will help you filter out guys who may not be what you’re looking for as well as show you if they respect your boundaries or not.

    #850048 Reply
    jaden

    [post deleted]

    Hi jaden – I appreciate your enthusiasm in wanting to give advice, but we need to steer clear of giving out personal information and contacting people outside the forum. Thanks!

    #850064 Reply
    AngieBaby

    OK look everyone needs to ignore “Jaden” lol…

    Hey site admin… some joker using the name Jaden is trolling through this site posting a fake email address on all the threads.

    #850070 Reply
    Raven

    Bad advice from someone who is clueless…

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