This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Robin Davies 6 months, 1 week ago.
July 20, 2019 at 9:22 am #757572
This may be a little long – sorry.
I met my ex (still feels odd to say that) when we were 18. and we fell madly in love. I am talking about sleeping in a car just so we didn’t have to be apart. We both were on the same page but I moved away for uni and it took its toll. after 2.5 years or so he called it off because it was toxic.
I started healing and about .5 months after the breakup he contacted me and wated to give it antoher go. We were stronger than ever. I moved in with him shortly after.
He would tell me we were soul mates and he felt so lucky to have me in his life. He really was my best friend. Then about a year ago he got a new job and got in with a new crowd and it was hard to adjust. They were ‘lads’ and wanted to be out all the time, doing drugs etc. He started staying out all night, going on boys weekends and that. I joined him doing drugs so I’m not going to judge him for that, I thought if I was with him and we were together it was fine right?
It wasnt. Anyway the last 6 months or so was hard. He got more and more into the party life style and every time there was a choice it always won.
Then comes the latest get away witht he boys. He went longer than most of the others, didn’t bring a charger and I was angry about it. The last day or night I kicked off bad. He came back and was saying he needed space but he loved me and we were going to be okay.
A week later he ended it.
Its been 4 weeks. We haven’t really spoken except I messaged him about the breakup saying I hoped he was okay and no bad blood etc. he responded saying he was glad and that he wants the best for me. I still had all my stuff there so about 2 weeks later I arranged for me to get my stuff. he just said okay and I thought he knew I had the say off and would do it when he was at work. I went sorted thru it all but called him after I had finished to arrange for us to cancel our holiday we still have booked. He asked if I could come the following day. I responded I had already been and left my key on the table. He was shocked but didn’t mention the holiday, etc.
All family and friends say he is constantly out, partying not coming home, acting cold and distant.
Anyway a few days later I chased him about the holiday he said he was busy on the day I suggested. He then asked what the plan was for the holiday. I was shocked and responded what do you mean? He replied if he could find someone to buy me out would that be okay?
I had a feeling he may be seeing or speaking to someone but everyone has be saying they don’t think so, he is just following girls online etc.
I rang him and was quite upset. He said he was going to ask his brother or someone. I said I wouldn’t be okay with it and I still had some stuff to pick up which was in his car etc. He sounded quite angry and said what else is there I took everything. We ended up arranging to speak later to discuss it properly. He didn’t reach out.
I text him to say I was so tired of reaching out and trying to be civil. That he broke me and made me believe it was my fault (which he did) and that it wasnt me it was him and the drugs and him wanting to sleep with other girls. Why cant he be honest about it all and wake up and realise its all pointless. whatever he wants to do with the holiday do it.
he responded he didn’t want any animosity and its not that he wants to be out getting on it but it just wasnt working and apologised for putting me thru this. he thinks its best to just cancel it.
I responded “wasnt working, don’t use that as a cop out. you were all over me before you left for your weekend away and came back a different person. just be honest”
he asked me to stop as I wasnt making this easier.
I said well I’m sorry its not easy for you as its been a walk in the park for me. Just face up to it and be honest with us both.
he responded he knew I was loyal, etc but he just doesn’t want this as there were things he wasnt happy with.
I asked what and he said he didn’t want to go into it he just doesn’t want me. I responded I didn’t want him as he is and this new person he became. he said he just doesn’t see a future due to me kicking off about his partying.
I said what future are you seeing for you right now – on drugs almost daily?
he ended up just saying he was sorry.
I think he met someone. He told his mum that the relationship just came to an end and he really does just wish me well.
I am trying so hard to move on and be happy but I love him so much. I am out there trying new things, socialising, getting fit, setting goals and that but I still hurt.
I deleted him off social media and our posts, conversations etc.
I am really trying but I cant help but want him to come back.July 20, 2019 at 9:57 am #757574
Hi-you don’t want him to come back-you want the guy he USED to be to exist and come back. The reality is,he is now a drugged,boozed up party boy who could be a cheater. Think about that-as I am sure you don’t want THAT guy.
So,yes this hurts but you can do nothing to change the choices he has made and you will eventually be better off and happier without him. If you are still doing drugs etc.-stop and get back on track. Forget the holiday/money etc. Let him deal with it. Go total no contact and move on with your life!
Also think about your actions when he started to “go off of the rails” -you aided/joined him at first,instead of expressing concern that his actions were not good for him or the relationship. Tighter up your standards and list of deal-breakers and stick with that,so you get don’t get into and stay in crappy situations. I wish you well.July 21, 2019 at 1:44 am #757659
So there appears to be quite a lot going on here. Firstly, please try to stop idolising his past self & your past relationship when 18. People change. Evidently, he is not that 18 year old man anymore. Don’t live in the past for this will not serve your future.
Realise who he is in this moment in time. Look at the things you have said. Which from tone, appears to be your dealbreakers:
He takes drugs
Partys all the time
Goes off the rails
You don’t seem to be wanting the lifestyle he is bringing into your life.
Now, you both are happy, he leaves for a holiday & doesn’t talk to you when on holiday because he didn’t take a charger (sorry but you can buy chargers/borrow chargers from a friend so thats a basic excuse), then he returns cold and breaks up. While you have zero evidence he has met someone, and you will never know unless you are told, however the context of it all leads me to have a gut feeing there is a high chance he has met/slept with someone else. This would explain why he’s went from being loving to cold in the matter of a week. Not conclusive as I said, you have zero proof.
Personally, I think you need to sit down and have a serious think. Write it all down. Journal this. Then look to what you want/need in life. he isn’t acting in a way that seems to benefit you. Chasing him? will not work. Men run from what chases them. Use this break up to fuel you into becoming stronger, happier & determined to be a better you. Work out, go to gym classes, meet friends, travel, book a holiday with friends, make new friends and avoid communicating with him, I’d probably block him & create a new, positive, happy life for yourself. You don’t need him & what he brings to you. Almost, without a doubt once you have let go, moved on, and are very happy – he will probably make an appearance. men want what they can’t have, until they get it. He wants single life? Give him single life. He won’t enjoy it after a few months.July 21, 2019 at 2:48 am #757665
How is it you have all this Grand advice but just posted you can’t get past a recent break up?July 21, 2019 at 2:48 am #757666
You posted about how to get over an ex but here you are giving tips and advice to someone else. Suspect.July 21, 2019 at 8:30 am #757674
As hard as it is you need to give up the need to control and the break up. He’s a grown man who is not close to being ready to settle down into a domestic lifestyle. He realized he can’t give you want you want and is letting you go so you can find a man who can give that to you.
Keep looking forward. Accept you were walking two different paths; you need to continue walking yours, and he needs to walk his. I know its difficult, trust me, we’ve all been there and walked in your shoes but just know the path will eventually lead you to a better place and meet the man you were meant to be with, its not him.July 24, 2019 at 2:13 pm #758064
I am sorry for your pain. I too ,was the party guy who cheated and played games.
The reality is that he must see the error of his ways and seek to get treatment and rehab. Until this happens you are not going to have any decent relationship with him.
Perhaps you need to offer him an ultimatum…..either he wants you or not. If he wants you he will fight for you and get straight.If not I am afraid you may have to accept that he isn’t strong enough to be with you…..