This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Amz 10 months, 3 weeks ago.
August 8, 2017 at 9:30 am #646868
Here’s a little bit about our history:
The first time we broke up was when we had been dating for about 6 months. I was on spring break with my friends in Florida, and he thought I cheated on him. We got back together a few days later when he realized that I actually didn’t. It was basically a misunderstanding.
The second time we broke up we had been dating about 8 months. It was during my finals (great timing once again). I don’t remember exactly the reason but it was basically some bull crap excuse that he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend or something. He later admitted it wasn’t the real reason. We got back together 2 weeks later.
The 3rd time we broke up we had been dating couple months over a year. I was mad at him over something silly, and threatened to break up with him. I wanted him to beg me to not break up with him (yes, I had some insecurities and since then have worked on that), however, he didn’t. This was over my winter break and we didn’t see/talk to each other for 3 weeks until we were both back at school. In fact, he didn’t even want to talk to me. He drunk texted me the night I got back asking me to come over. I did, and we slept together. The next day he told me it still didn’t mean we were getting back together. After this I was mad, frustrated, and confused. So I started to try to move on. I dated a couple of guys after this. Obviously, it was very casual and nonexclusive. But it helped me feel better. During this time I never stopped seeing or talking to me ex. Before I knew it we were “Friends with benefits” then he was begging to be exclusive and then to be back with me. I was very hesitant to get back with him because it was hard to trust him with my heart after he had hurt me like that. About 2 months after we had gotten back to school (and 3 since the break up) we got back together. I ended things with the other guys and told my boyfriend about them and what I did. He didn’t like the fact that I slept with 3 other guys, but I told him I was hurting and mad at him and it helped me heal.
Since then, he has had some trust issues. A few weeks ago, he read all the messages on my computer and found out more details about my time when we were broken up. It wasn’t any new information, but still reason to bring all the stuff up. I was frustrated because I felt like I had done so much to try and show him that he was the only one that I want to be with. I told him that I couldn’t be with him if he didn’t trust me and he balled his eyes out saying that he needed me and that we were supposed to get married and be together forever. He said that he did trust me but had moments of insecurity. We stayed together. Then, 2 days ago all of this was brought up again. He said that he still couldn’t trust me and for that reason doesn’t see a future. At first he was saying he wanted to still work it out and talk about it when were back at school (it’s summer break). Then he was saying he didn’t want to pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t. He said we could talk normal while I’m on vacation so my time wasn’t ruined and agreed to focus on how much we love and care about each other. So, technically we’re not broken up. It helps to talk to him everyday , but it has been very casual conversations. He has still told me he loves me since then but other than that he’s not acting the same. I’m terrified that I’m just delaying the inevitable. I’m so frustrated because I know that he is the only person that I want and I want so badly for him to trust me.
Do we have a chance? I’m not ready to let go. I love him more than anything.
August 8, 2017 at 9:57 am #646873
I dont know about change. There must be a reason why tje both of you are drawn into a relationship that lacks trust and where one of you breaks up at every school break.
To me if doesnt sound like a pleasant or happy relationship at all and i would opt out. Are you sure you want him and why? All it does is trigger both of your anxiety nervesAugust 8, 2017 at 10:18 am #646876
I’m sorry both of you are super immature and need to work on your emotional IQ and communication skills before entering into a relationship again.
This “push – pull” game is not a healthy dynamic, as its a very bad habit to get into and can reek havoc on all future relationships if you don’t nip it in the bud now. Honestly, you both have some learning and growing up to do. You really should be dating others so to gain some experience before you can know if a guy’s good for you or not…trust me when with the RIGHT ONE you won’t have all these insecurity issues but feel totally SAFE and SECURE with him!
This is not a match. The two of you are trying to force a square peg in a round hole and its never gonna fit.
The both of you need to take a PERMANENT BREAK and no longer sleep, see or communicate with each other because you don’t your going to stay on this merry-go-round, going round and round and round if one of you doesn’t jump off and finally call it quits. You really need to DATE more and above-all HAVE FUN because your only young once and it would really suck to waste it on a dude who’s not good for you, and you know it, or you wouldn’t be here.August 8, 2017 at 10:42 am #646877
Get out now before you waste more time. I did this scenario for 4 years, those are 4 years I can’t get back.August 8, 2017 at 10:50 am #646878
A couple can possibly recover from one break up, provided they can identify what caused the problem in the first place and work together to solve it.
There’s no surviving four, you’re just incompatible at this point. You’re terrified that you’re just delaying the inevitable because you know deep inside that’s what you’re doing. Listen to your gut.
At the moment, you can’t imagine your life with anyone else, you don’t think you could want anyone else, but that’s fear and comfort in the familiar talking. You want him to trust you but stop to consider do you really want to be with a man who doesn’t trust you? Who snoops through your personal things and accuses you of cheating when you haven’t?August 8, 2017 at 11:30 am #646886
Stop the insanity.
I know you dont’ want to hear this but this is not working and will not work. Whatever it takes for you to be willing to let go, you’re going to have to get there somehow. I think you will be amazed at the relief you feel when you do. this is hard, hard work and it shouldn’t be.August 8, 2017 at 2:10 pm #646907
He is tormented by jealousy and his insecurities, imagining you with other guys. Have you not felt this way?
It is very hard, if not impossible, to recover from this. You’d have to reassure him every day, telling him how little all other guys meant to you and how you almost hated having sex with them, and that it was only because the two of you were broken up, you never cheated on him. Then maybe a few years later he’d calm down.
it is very sad, you two love each other, but you’ve created such a mess. Let it be a lesson for you not to mess things up, to treat your partner with care, to communicate, to clarify things.
You love each other, can’t break up and you can’t stay together. What can be done? Try harder, try again, try as much as possible together, but then, if you don’t see any improvement, break up. But do it for good this time. Because all the previous issues would be magnified AGAIN if you get back together for the 5th time. Whatever oyu do, do not have kids until you know the issues are resolved, because you’d end up in a divorce in a few years and your kids would not have a normal family.
You also need to keep in mind that you are a woman, so you’d be wasting your prime years.August 8, 2017 at 7:14 pm #646991
I don’t know why you even told him about the other guys during your break up. You were both free to see whomever you wanted, but he didn’t need to hear it.
Now he’s brought it up TWICE and broken up over it, rather than accepting you did nothing wrong when you weren’t dating each other.
I really don’t see that there’s anything for you to do but walk away. Acceptance and moving forward is on him. It doesn’t sound like he can do that.
Walk away knowing you did nothing wrong. And that he has trust issues he doesn’t seem to be getting over anytime soon.
I agree you’re young and should be dating a lot of guys and just having fun right now. If you’re meant to be together you will be, provided he works out his issues, but I think that’s years down the road from now, not weeks.
Go live your life!August 8, 2017 at 7:34 pm #646997
I agree with Sophia, you both KNEW you were dating other people and sleeping with other people, but it is very different when you are being TOLD about it, specifically. There is no need to tell those things, any visual or practical detail would be a wound on another person’s psyche that can stay there for years, depending on how thick or thin their skin is. Some men can’t recover from this ever! Women too. Spare your partner any details next time. Do not talk about your sexual experiences. There is nothing good that can come out of it, ever, even if those relations were BEFORE, but when they are ‘in between’…wow you need to be very insensitive not to understand how difficult it is to get over those things when you love someone. This should be a lesson number 1 in a course “relationships 101”. LOLAugust 8, 2017 at 7:47 pm #647000
If you really loved him you would NOT have slept with THREE other guys! You would have gone out on dates to have fun only. You both are young and very immature. This mess you’ve created can’t be fixed! He will NEVER be able to trust you!! Leave the poor guy alone and focus on school when vacation is over.August 8, 2017 at 8:43 pm #647012
@Joe, c’mon, be a grownup LOL. You can love someone and sleep with others. Have you not done it yourself? I was madly, insanely, unrecoverably in love, and slept with someone else. In facet, I had a 6-month relationship during this time. And I am not the only one. A lot of people do that, we are not saints or monks, but there is no need to share these experiences with your partner if you get back together somehow.August 8, 2017 at 11:24 pm #647028
Of course you can sleep with someone else when you are in love with other person
But if that is really the highest form of love – people won’t go and have sex with someone else.
There is self love , wholehearted commitment, desire and hope – You just don’t get this simply by having sex with someone else. Why downgrade your soul to just go for sex ?!August 9, 2017 at 7:48 am #647044
anonymous (original poster)
Joe— I was absolutely in love with him still. I was trying to move on. He had slept with me and told me we still weren’t getting back together. So yes, I did still love him. Everyone has a different way of healing and mine is with distractions. I had no idea that we would get back together, because I think about that everyday and about how I wish I could go back and change that. I’m far from perfect, I am aware of that.
A few things to add— He did NOT sleep with anyone, or even kiss anyone, while we were broken up. Obviously from the post it is hard to tell, but we did have a happy relationship. To be honest, I never thought we would break up over this because he reassured me that he would move on and that he knew I was hurting. It honestly came out of the blue. We have tons of fun together and have planned a future together. We have a dog together and even made plans to live together after graduation next year.
I feel safe with him. It’s more than just a comfort thing, I truly believe we are meant to be together. We have gone through a lot, but I feel like that makes us stronger. And I really really hope this isn’t how we end. I want to show him that he can trust me and that I love him and that I’m not hiding anything because he says he doesn’t fully believe me…
Also, to update. I talked to him on the phone yesterday. He says that he really does love me and miss me and that we will talk about this in person when we are back and until then continue to keep contact. He still says he doesn’t know if we can work it out…. but I’m trying to be as positive as possible.August 12, 2017 at 5:56 am #647604
IVe been in this type of scenario and it is utterly and completely soul destroying. It’s an absolute mess. Trust me when I say if you continue to try with him you are going to destroy your self esteem completely. Someone with trust issues is insanely difficult to deal with and to understand. You will never do anything right to make your issues go away completely. There will always be something wrong, something not right, whether it is now or when you had broke up. You will always be the person who betrayed his trust etc. Look at his actions. He says he loves you and misses you yet has broken up with you so many times. He tells you he hasn’t been with anyone else but how do you know?
He sounds very selfish and interested in his own s self. If he really loved you he wouldn’t keep repeating the same mistakes. He wouldn’t try to make you feel bad for trying to move on when he knows full well that you’ve always only wanted him. He will keep you there, not fully being able to move on whilst he talks to other girls, giving you false hope and not letting you move on. When you really love someone like this and you want it to work out so badly you settle for bad treatment. You can’t really understand the damage it’s causing when your in it.August 12, 2017 at 6:03 am #647606
Its so hard to let go when you love someone so much but the thing I wish someone had told me was that once a guy makes his mind up and keeps treating you as disposable the only person who loses is you.
He left you so when you gave him another chance he should have gone above and beyond to make it right. The fact that he knows you are keen to be with him no matter what, no matter how many times he dumps you shoes him that he will always be able to do it and you will always take him back. There are no consequences to his actions. I knowwwwwwww how hard it is but trust me I had reached my limit. I deserve a great guy who loves me and adores me and who would never ever break up with me constantly. Sometimes you have to learn that the hard way. You just have to remember that you are beautiful and worth it. Lock him off, heal for a while, a few months to a year, stay away from dates for now then when you are strong and whole by yourself start fresh!!!
Keep in mind he will keep coming back but unless he is begging and I mean dyinggggg to be with you keep the door shut. XxAugust 12, 2017 at 6:16 am #647609
Have you told him to get over himself? I hope so!
He split up with you and told you there was no chance. Now all this time later, he can’t cope with the fact you took him at his word and thought you were permanently broken up.
He had trust issues before you did that anyway. He broke up with you when you hadn’t done anything wrong. I think he has issues and you can’t fix them. Even if you hadn’t had sex with anyone, I imagine he’d still be breaking up and causing drama.
I would tell him he has to decide if he can get over what happened or not. If he can’t, there’s no relationship. Stop acting like you did anything wrong and pandering to his insecurities. HE rejected YOU!
I bet you he’ll decide he can forgive you but stiĺ try to hold this over you forever. Insecure people can be very controlling and manipulative.August 12, 2017 at 11:34 am #647631
anonymous (original poster)
More of an update….
We have continued to keep contact. At first it was super bland and I was really upset because things felt so off and nothing about it felt normal or natural. It’s gotten better since. We even sexted a bit the other night, and he continues to tell me he loves me. This morning I had a bit of a slip, and told him I felt like I was going to end up making a fool of myself. He reassured me that he enjoys talking to me and that I’m not making a fool of myself, but that he was still unsure about where he stands.
I told him maybe we needed to take a step back. I mean, we are only 22 and have the rest of our lives to be worried about the future. I told him we could just take it day by day and focus on loving each other and having fun, instead of planning out too far ahead. I told him I didn’t want a response to this, but to just think about it. We also both agreed we wanted to continue having sex. I know that sounds bad, but at least if history repeats itself it will lead us back together. That’s when things turned around for us last time, when he thought all I wanted was friends with benefits that is when he started to want more and I wanted to stay single…
I have a strong feeling when we see each other next it will be hard to resist our attraction for one another… I don’t want to be disappointed though.
I was afraid to ask him because I didn’t want to be too pushy, but it’s hard for me to believe he would continue talking to me and telling me he loves me and all this if he was actually sure he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel like there has to be some hope in there somewhere.August 12, 2017 at 11:39 am #647633
anonymous (original poster)
We also have 2 classes together!! What do I do? Ignore him? Sit with him???August 12, 2017 at 11:56 am #647635
So he’s OK having sex with you but not getting back together because he can’t trust you?! How does that work?
You’re only 22 so you probably can’t see you’re letting him get everything his way. You’re so desperate to keep him and that’s not attractive. He’ll just view you as a doormat.
Yes you got him back last time but it wasn’t a good relationship was it? He ended up emotionally torturing you for seeing other men when it was his fault you did and ultimately dumped you. If you want history to repeat itself, do what you did before….August 18, 2017 at 11:38 pm #649088
anonymous (original poster)
He comes back tomorrow, and I’m more confused than ever…
We have continuously been talking about having sex when he gets back here. While we were talking about it today he said that we should talk about us before we have sex. I said if that’s what he wanted we could do that but that I was worried it would end up bad and to not having sex. He told me that it doesn’t have to end up with no sex. I asked him if he thought the talk would go good and he said he didn’t know. I also asked if we could meet up after going to the bars and he said he wanted to but it was ultimately up to me.
I don’t know what to make of all of this. I’m not sure why he would want to talk to me or have sex with me if he had no intentions of working it out. We have been dating for a while and he has a lot of emotions (more than me) and it seems unlike him to want to do a “friends with benefits” sort of thing. Part of me thinks he is trying to make me sweat a little bit. But I’m terrified he truly doesn’t want to work it out and just wants to sleep with me because he’s not ready to lose that part of me.
I know if we slept together he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else, and neither would I (we have already discussed this). I know it sounds bad but I would rather keep this part of our relationship, because it’s better than nothing. And I am hopeful that it would eventually lead to us getting back together.
Overall, I’m really confused. And I’m scared and nervous for tomorrow.August 19, 2017 at 12:27 am #649102
Sounds like sex triumphs many other relationship elements here. You guys are driven by hormones.
You two have not really matured; since you both should have known the confusion has to be resolved before the relationship can resume again.
It seems like it is a long way to get there. If you really want a relationship with him, Sex has to be out of the picture. so you guys can think straight.
Sex or relationship; up to you to decideAugust 19, 2017 at 12:34 am #649103
Be kind and loving. I hope you guys can work it out. If you really care about each other you might try couples counseling. But he has to be willing to try. This is his issue.August 19, 2017 at 1:14 am #649113
You both are still very young and immature. Give each other time to grow up. Just we enjoy reach other company for now. I hope the dramas won’t affect yourr your focusin school.September 22, 2017 at 8:24 pm #656173
anonymous (original poster)
It has been over a month since our official break up…. and it feels like it will never get better. I am still so sad all the time. He has been with a new girl a lot lately, and it’s absolutely heart breaking that he was able to move on so fast. And it’s so frustrating to me that he gets to be happy while I am still miserable. It makes me question everything. I want to be mad at him for all this, but it just makes me more sad. I still can’t help but think about all the little things that makes me love him so much. All I want is to have him back. I’ve tried to distract myself by hanging out with other guys, but no one is as good as him and it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to find love again. I guess I just don’t know what to do at this point, I feel so lonely all the time. I thought with time it would get better but I get really upset at least once a week and want nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me that it’s okay.September 22, 2017 at 9:35 pm #656181
I’m going to be super harsh here but it’s exactly what you need to hear.
I’ve read ALL of your posts and it’s time to GROW UP!!! Get off this damn roller-coaster, go complete NO CONTACT, that mean szero texts, calls, emails, meet-ups, sex, ZERO CONTACT!!!
You need to start believing as though he doesn’t exist right now. Take the focus completely off of him and other guys and put it onto you. What do you want and need that you can give to yourself? have you tried therapy? I think you need it for your co-dependence issues. Journalling, hanging out with friends, pets, family. ALL these things are what you need right now, NOT HIM!!
He is toxic for you, the whole relationship/dynamic you guys had was completely toxic for you. It wasn’t serving you or giving you the true love and respect that EVERYBODY needs to feel happy in a healthy relationship.
It’s actually a blessing in disguise that this guy has found someone new because it’s hopefully the nail in the coffin for you to finally “get it” that he’s not the guy for you and you need to grow up and start learning not to put yourself in such a sad, toxic ambiguous situation with a guy. Forget romance, comfort and good sex. Realize you NEED MORE!!!