This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Louise 1 year ago.
May 16, 2019 at 4:10 am #750119
Tbh, even posting here…I know the answer, but..
I (38F) matched w/guy (42M) on Tinder a month ago. He reached out, we had an intelligent conversation that piqued my interest. He said that most women wanted to talk ‘Love Island, curtains, and mortgages.’ – so I felt I was a breath of fresh air for him and he seemed to give that indication! He offered his number. We spoke on phone for about 40 mins. A couple more phone calls and lots of texts, and we met a week later.
4 hours first date, walked me to car @ the end, hugged me. Said on 2nd date I wasn’t giving him the signal to kiss, fair enough :)
Met 2 days later, 4.5 hours chat, really easy conversation, & he initiated the first kiss.
Away that weekend visiting friends – lots of texts, and a 2 hour phone call on the Sun morning! Conversation flowed.
3rd date, similar, hours of chat, smooching in the car afterwards.
4th date he texted a couple of hours before, saying he was not well. But we spoke on the phone for about an hour instead. I asked 2 days later if he wanted to meet up, and he said yes. We met for food near his, he paid but I did offer to split the bill. I asked if I could come back to his to look at his record collection (NOT a euphemism, haha!) and he said, “Uh, okay, and then you can make a decision about me.”
Went back and it was a tiny studio flat / apartment, and not particularly neat. It was written on my face! He seemed embarrassed. He pointed out the rent was so cheap it enables him to save for a house. I was genuinely like okay that makes sense, great long term goal.
We hung out, took dog for a walk, looked at his vinyl, watched TV, smooched but his dog was rather jealous and wouldn’t leave us alone! After a long day at work & feeling a bit frustrated, I said, “I think I’ve been given my marching orders,” looking at the dog. He said, “Oh, don’t be like that!” but in a sad way, not nasty. Walked me outside, kissed me goodnight. I called him to say I’d arrived home but no response. I then felt I’d behaved like an ass re: apartment & dog, so apologised. He texted next morning, said I’d done nothing to offend him, quite the opposite.
A few texts the next day (Mon) but only 2 on Tues (big drop off) although there was a big football/soccer game on Tues.
Nothing Wed. Thurs I was in a quandary. Male friend said just be casual, put the ball in his court, say you’re away in London this weekend but let’s meet Sunday. He replies Fri morn, saying yes, Sun sounds nice. A few texts Fri eve. Two on Sat eve (last ones.)
I text 9am Sun asking to meet at a pub @ 4pm. No response. Called at 3 & leave voicemail, hey did you see text, I’ll take us for walk around reservoir instead, come to mine. Nothing. Call again at 3.50, rings & goes to voicemail. Hang up, leave text. Go to pub at 4.10pm (only 2 mins away) & check car park for car, not there. Fuming, I go visit my father in respite care. Then I find out there’s another big football/soccer game on. Why agree to meet a girl when you know there’s a game you want to watch. Last text – I said didn’t realise your team were playing again today…if you wanted to meet after the game, let me know. Silence.
Another male friend said don’t show weakness, men will exploit. He said leave it 3 days then leave a bright and breezy voicemail just asking if he’s okay as we had arranged to meet on Sunday he said to add that we have a connection and had fun the few times we hung out. This guy (42M) had said to me in casual conversation that when it comes to Tinder it was none of his business what I did but what he did was follow it through like a flow chart (yes / no arrow thing) with one woman at a time. My male friend said just ask where he was with me on the flow chart. Then said to conclude, get in touch by the weekend if he wanted to reconnect.
Left that vmail yday evening. Nothing yet. As I said I’ll give it until the end of the weekend then I’ll have my answer and can move on.
We all know what will happen but ffs, this is the last time I let a man text me profound things and thoughts and then not have actions to follow up on it. I felt 4 dates & agreeing to meet for a 5th was a good sign but I am staggered at his inability to show up, communicate, or apologise.
Even a *really* troubled guy who I saw in 2014 for 6 dates had the decency to call me when I was enquiring about details of the 7th date we’d agreed…and gently said he didn’t want to meet.
Yep, I know…NEXT!May 16, 2019 at 4:45 am #750120
I am sorry… what has just happened?
how many times did you call him?
way way way too much, you asked him if you could come to his place? are you for real?
you scared him away big times
all those phone calls talking for hours.. you were away with friends and you kept messaging him? what for ? trust me if he went out with his mates you wouldn’t hear from him at all!
game over really you did too much chasingMay 16, 2019 at 5:29 am #750121
Do nothing. Lose his number. Learn when you are pursuing men. Here are the specific points of chasing (stop asking your guy friends)
A. Don’t attempt to reschedule a date that they canceled. Period. In fact, if they cancel let them do all initiating. Which they should be doing anyhow, if they are not. You get one initiation to 4 they do, and only that is if they are very consistent.
B. Don’t invite yourself to men’s houses. Yikes! If he wanted you there, he would have invited you.
C. Don’t apologize, it looks needy.
D. Ball in his court never looks like initiating contact and never looks like suggesting getting together after you are away. Never. It looks like letting him contact you to suggest a date.
E. Even if you have a date scheduled, ok to reach out once, then make other plans … not stalking him till you find him. Which is what you did by contacting several times and still going to the pub.
Read up on mirroring in dating. And lower your expectations and taking in meaning of men who are not your boyfriend.May 16, 2019 at 5:43 am #750123
No more responses needed now. Consider this thread done.May 16, 2019 at 6:10 am #750124
Your a mess Mary and your make friends made you look even worse.May 16, 2019 at 8:00 am #750133
I came across much harsher than I should have. You did nothing wrong, you are too eager, which is easily fixed. Just some small tweeking.
Please read up on mirroring. Until a man is your boyfriend, it is best to let him lead. That means you respond to his advances. Show you are enthusiastic on the date and then respond quickly and playfully to him if he asks.
You can do it! I promise!May 16, 2019 at 9:01 am #750140
You were not harsh, Sweetspicy. Your advice was perfect.
Mary, you should definitely take Sweetspicy’s advice. From what you wrote it seems to me that everything was going well until you invited yourself over to his flat. You should have let him invite you when he was ready, and have time to clean up and organize the flat. It seems to me you put him on the spot and he felt he had to say yes, but then felt bad because the place wasn’t tidy and the dog was obnoxious (if he had known you were coming he may have been able to take the dog for a long walk or something beforehand, and get it tired out). I would feel so awkward if a guy I was dating spontaneously asked to come over and I hadn’t had time to tidy up my place! And the fact that your distaste for his tiny flat was “written on your face”, oy vey! That must have stung him badly.
The calling/texting on your part after what happened in his flat, and going to the pub to look for him, was excessive. Definitely a no-no. Too much chasing.
You mentioned you got frustrated with the dog after a long day of work, etc. I have the impression you spontaneously suggested to meet up that evening? I would suggest when you’re first dating someone, if you’ve had a long hard day of work, don’t suggest hanging out. You want to be at your best in the first days of dating and make a good impression. That was only the 4th date, too soon to be showing after-work-crankiness. Once you’re in an established relationship it’s OK to to so. It’s totally understandable to be tired and irritated after a long day at work, but you should not plan to have a date and go back to a guy’s place if you’re only a few dates in if you’ve had a long hard day at work. You won’t have positive vibes or energy.
It sucks that he is ghosting you now but unfortunately it happens. He may feel too embarrassed and awkward to talk to you. I know you had a nice connection but 4 dates in really isn’t anything in terms of time or emotional investment.May 16, 2019 at 9:26 am #750146
Why are you bothering? This is about your ego.
If on the 4th date, you go to someone’s place and are annoyed by their living conditions and dog, you aren’t that into them. You showed your true colors. If a guy was visibly annoyed by my dogs, I’d end it because we weren’t compatible.May 16, 2019 at 11:09 am #750164
It was painful to read. You are VERY needy and high maintenance. Men hate both.
I would run for my life too if I was himMay 16, 2019 at 6:52 pm #750242
Haha, when a man puts a list of things he doesn’t like on profile..
He meant he wants a woman who doesn’t want what everyone wants. Meaning hes a jerk.May 16, 2019 at 8:00 pm #750249
Be thankful you haven’t slept with him yet. Should make it easier to move on.May 17, 2019 at 8:37 am #750267
I don’t think it makes him a jerk to not want to listen to women talk about stuff he isn’t into. For example, I have zero interest in sports. I just don’t swipe on sports obsessed guys and when the other ones talk sports, I just tell them I don’t care about sports. It loses me matches, but life is too short to be with people you don’t relate to.
My bet is the guy was put off by how she reacted to his dog. It’s fine not to be into dogs or be annoyed by them, but don’t be surprised when it makes someone think twice about you as a mate.
Dating is about finding compatibility. It doesn’t make someone a jerk for weeding out people who are incompatible.May 17, 2019 at 8:51 am #750270
that is true but he could at least tell her sorry it won’t work, I know men are now wired like that some like to keep their options open but still
although knowing how needy this lady was I guess he got scared she might get angryMay 17, 2019 at 9:37 am #750272
You set yourself up for being ‘fuming’ on the Sunday by acting as if you had a date he had never confirmed. Yes Friday he said it’d be nice but he clearly didn’t set anything up on the Sat or you wouldn’t have invited him to the pub. When he didn’t respond that meant there was no date. The rest of the day is all on you and then you called and called and scared him off completely!