This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lisa 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 15, 2022 at 7:17 am #933509
Okay, so this is a long one…I met a guy at a party through my best friend’s boyfriend. Hes 40 and I’m 38. Her boyfriend has a friend Lee*…he makes people laugh including me, social and an extrovert…when it comes to girls, he can be shy until he opens up. This was after the second lockdown was eased in the UK.
During the party my best friend told me he liked me but too shy to tell me. Of course, I said I’m not interested, but my friend told me to just be his friend see how it goes.
I told her he should let me know by showing me he’s interested not just tell her. He would approach me to say hello and help me out with food and drink and just be a gentlemen but would walk away if he gets nervous. I thought it was sweet that he became red in the face.
He didn’t talk to me much indirectly but he’s proved to me he has a good social life by talking to other people in the room just by one interaction and proof that it takes time for him to open up with girls. When I say hello he would say hello back…we just click.
I like shy guys as they’re the best guy to be with but it seems he’s confident in a social circle that’s what I like (not bad boys or cocky guys) I’m sure there are nice guys who are confident at the same time. he’s one of them.
Now, at work, Jason*. He’s 28, 10 years younger than me likes me. I worked in that place for 3 months now. I’ve known him less than Lee. He told my Co worker he likes me. He’s shy too. My Co worker told me I should give him a chance, he is shy and don’t talk to people, even with my other colleagues and people in his department. I told her its not a good idea to date someone from work, and don’t know how Roy my boss will feel about it. She said she thinks he’ll be fine with it. she said don’t be negative, people meet their partners from work. I said OK. I’ll be the judge of that, see how he is with me. I don’t mind, it could also work out too.
She told me that he’s loyal and can be funny once he opens up. He will come to my department to talk to my colleagues but he won’t talk to me. I’ve initiated a conversation with him, I say hello but he never says hello back. I spoke to him about going to Cornwall and he said why, oh to meet a friend. I asked him for help with IT and then he’ll walk away. I asked him for help to do COVID test online for someone, he helped me. He works in the IT department. He’ll talk to me but he’ll look at his phone and not make eye contact. When he walks past me, he won’t say anything. I’ve already said hello back in the past but because he ignored me, why should I bother? I told my work colleague that, she said its because he’s shy. It’s annoying when I say hello to someone, they don’t say hello back.
I’ve noticed when he talks to my boss he’ll look down at the ground and not look at him in the eye. He even told my friend that he knows I’m not interested, so he doesn’t mind just being friends but he hasn’t proved to me he wants to be friends. A lot of my colleagues talk to me like a friend and the people that talk to me I talk to them back. The people that don’t talk to me, why should I bother? I treat everyone the same.
I told my Co worker when we went home, we went in the same direction and Jason ran away. She said that’s because he had to catch a train. Whereas when we left my friends boyfriend’s party, Lee walked with me to the bus stop. I said don’t you have a train to catch. He said no there’s always going to be another. Just want to make sure you’re safe. I thought that was sweet.
I’m sure Jason’s a lovely guy but he’s 10 years younger than me, how long do I have to wait for him to open up. I want to settle down and have kids.
My friends are loud and their boyfriend and husband are social, likes to go for drinks and watch football in a crowded pub. I just wonder whether Jason can handle that if he doesn’t like to talk to new people.
Being with someone’s friend should come naturally and it doesn’t come naturally to Jason, whereas it comes naturally to Lee. Its not a problem with me, that’s just how you are. He would be lying to himself if he tries to be extrovert when thats not who he really is just to be accepted into the crowd. I’m not gonna change Jason.
When I’m friends with someone, I don’t ask another friend if I wanted to be their friend. I just talk to them directly. I also wanna give Jason a chance but, my gut instinct is Lee ticks all the boxes for me. I guess I’m saying this because I want to have options. Then in that case, having Jason as an option is unfair and that I’d want Jason as back up and that’s not fair either.
My sister said be with someone who chases you more and you be the judge. She said the thing with shy guys is they have the disadvantage of talking to girls cos they’d have to work that much harder to get her when there’s competition with guys who are more confident.May 15, 2022 at 12:33 pm #933513
Honestly, you’re wasting your time pondering these two. Really, if they were interested- they would have stepped up…May 15, 2022 at 1:04 pm #933517
I went to a BBQ yesterday, Lee asked me out and he told me he liked me. He said he wanted to go out on a date but it was hard for him to. I got a date for Sunday.May 15, 2022 at 1:33 pm #933522
He stepped up…May 15, 2022 at 1:39 pm #933524
He has, like I said, he was so shy and he really wanted to ask me, I could feel it…but just didn’t have the guts to. It took him 6 months for him.May 15, 2022 at 1:41 pm #933525
I think shy guys do want to step up but too shy to do it…which is fine, but even shy guys need to communicate and talk if he really wants a relationship.May 16, 2022 at 1:44 am #933554
Do you think I should keep Jason as an option then?May 16, 2022 at 9:04 am #933556
Why would you do that?May 16, 2022 at 9:54 am #933557
Because me and Lee aren’t official yet.May 16, 2022 at 10:28 am #933558
Jason has shown you no regard at all.May 16, 2022 at 10:37 am #933559
Jason doesn’t even speak to you or look you in the eye. Why do you think he has any interest in you at all? If he’s incapable of speaking to you or looking at you, how would you possibly date?
It would be one thing if you all were teenagers, but you’re almost 40. You shouldn’t even be giving consideration to a grown man who can’t step up and show interest in you.May 16, 2022 at 11:08 am #933560
I guess it’s just down to shyness…he’s like that with everyone. I know he doesn’t have much experience with girls.
I really like Lee and he’s 2 years older than me…and he stepped up.
I guess if Jason did ask for coffee, I’d like to see how it goes with him. I think that’s a big IF. I guess it wouldn’t be fair on Jason if I keep him as an option.May 16, 2022 at 11:25 am #933563
Even if he doesn’t have much experience with “girls”, do you really want to have to be the one to teach him? I dunno, as a woman in her 40s myself, I don’t have the patience to train up a guy on how to act with women. And I had a boyfriend 10 years younger than me in my 30s (he was in his 20s), and he very much knew how to initiate. If a guy who’s almost 30 doesn’t know how to speak to a woman, or ask her out, he has a lot of work to do- I wouldn’t want to be the one to have to break him in. Just my perspective.
Anyway, Jason is giving you no indication at all that he’d ever ask you for coffee. And you have a date scheduled with Lee, which is great since he’s stepping up. But it’s early days so just see how it goes, and keep your options open in general. It’s not a question of fair or unfair to keep options open, it’s logical at this point. You aren’t committed to anyone, you have to date and get to know a guy before closing off your options is a wise thing to do.May 17, 2022 at 2:15 am #933602
Thanks girls…dont know what Id do with this website.May 17, 2022 at 4:30 am #933604
Do you reckon it’s early days to ask him what he wants from this? Like a relationship.
I was out of a long term relationship I don’t know what dating in the 21st Century is like.May 17, 2022 at 8:20 am #933605
have you had this date with him yet or not?
you can ask but as a general question , however don’t think even if he tells you he wants a relationship , that he will want one with you.
In general men aren’t looking for relationships, they want companionship and sex and then when they see the potential , they will start seeing you as a gf material.
However if a guy from the start is telling you I am not ready, not looking etc even though he might be acting like your bf, listen to what he is saying because you won’t change his mind .
I do have to say though you are overthinking things a little bit , you might not even like this guy after your dateMay 17, 2022 at 10:07 am #933625
I have had dates after long term relationship ended that I tell them I dont want sex, only when we’re in a relationship. Im not the person to sleep around. I come from a strict Christian family with values.
Then when we do have sex, it turns out to be fwb or they leave after I have sex with them. I don’t want to go down that route again.
I dont mind the sex, but if I get friend zoned, or guys only use me for sex then thats not what I want. I specifically say only sex when we’re in a relationship which is hard to find nowadays.May 17, 2022 at 10:29 am #933627
And can I add, if we were to have sex before a relationship, that’s fine too but it turns out that were not suited for one another.
I would love to find a guy who wants both.May 17, 2022 at 12:00 pm #933629
Feel free to ignore if you don’t agree, but from everything I’m learning here, it might be worth bearing in mind that engaging in sex before you’re in a committed relationship is emotional suicide for a woman. It means little to nothing for men, and more times that not, once a man’s had his fill or the novelty has work off, he’ll walk away. Leaving behind your shattered heart…
Think back to your past relationships. Can you relate to this on any level?
Wishing you the best xMay 17, 2022 at 12:10 pm #933630
Lisa, apologies, I missed some of the messages on this thread and just just read your previous post, and I see you have had this experience before. Read some of the other threads on the forum, there’s brilliant information here on what works and what doesn’t.
It’s so frustrating and painful when things don’t work out time and again. But when you learn the truth behind it all, it’s like having the light suddenly turn on. 💡🌟💖✨May 17, 2022 at 1:17 pm #933632
Yes I understand, but nowadays it just seems like men want sex to find out whether you’re the one and then they judge. Then, what do I do, withhold sex until I get into a relationship, which in my my experience never works out either because the men that I met only want sex first then relationship later, or do I have sex and give them what they want and let them judge whether they have chemistry with me or not and end up having a fwb? It’s hard to find a balance.
That’s why I say to them that I only want sex when we’re in a relationship so I weed out the ones that just want to sleep around…which is very hard for me to find in my experience. It’s not as if I’m asking for sex after marriage, I’m asking sex until we get to know each other. I still feel sex as part of getting to know one another but when there’s mutual commitment to one another.
Then there’s the nice guys who are too shy to make a move and you get frustrated because they dont wanna step up and be a man so you end up being with a confident cocky douchebad who they think they’re God’s gift to women.
Just my experience with dating…maybe people have different experiences?May 17, 2022 at 1:39 pm #933633
I think most men see sex as part of dating. They don’t want to wait for a serious commitment before having sex, because sex is an important part of determining whether you’d be compatible in a relationship together. I actually agree with that view, personally- I wouldn’t want to date a guy for months before sleeping with him because for me, sexual compatibility is part of determining whether I want a serious relationship with him.
I totally understand not wanting to have sex immediately with every guy you date. That’s smart. But saying you want to wait for a relationship before you’ll have sex at all will probably scare a lot of guys off.
Agreeing to sexual exclusivity is totally reasonable and a smart thing to do as well. But sexual exclusivity isn’t the same as a relationship, it’s just agreeing not to sleep with others while you date and get to know each other. For example, I slept with my bf about 6 weeks after we started dating (so I didn’t jump into bed with him right away, we dated for awhile first), and we agreed that we were exclusive- not dating or sleeping with anyone else. But it wasn’t until we’d been dating about 4 months that we made the relationship official.
There’s a really good article on this site called “when to have sex with a guy”. I suggest you search for it and read it. It explains that a guy needs to feel an emotional bond/connection with you BEFORE sex, if you want a relationship– guys don’t get attached to women through sex. They fall in love outside the bedroom. So withholding sex to a guy is not an incentive for him to fall in love with you. The article also mentions that waiting an arbitrary length of time before having sex won’t make a guy fall for you either– i.e., I won’t sleep with him for X amount of time, or whatever. Because sex is not what makes the guy fall in love. I can’t explain it well here, but the article breaks it down well, so I suggest you search for it.
Just some thoughts that came to mind after reading your posts :-)May 17, 2022 at 2:51 pm #933636
Thanks for this…I guess I never found guys who felt connected to me and felt that I was connected to him.
I was in a similar situation with you. I dated a guy Matt. We dated for 7 weeks. The first week I didn’t have sparks but I took a risk and dated him further. I then started to like him. Then after 7 weeks, I asked if he wanted a relationship, he said yes. I didn’t want sex but he did. Then he said how are we gonna go through the next step if we don’t sleep together. Then I agreed cos I thought maybe I’ll be able to get to know his body but then we just ended up having FWB…then he said he’s not ready for a relationship. We were exclusive and agreed not seeing other people, but he never introduced me to his friends and family as his girlfriend.
Do you risk having sex with him hoping he’ll commit or do you wait for the relationship and then have sex to save you the trouble of having another fwb? That’s my question. Because I’ve been hurt before, I’m just so tired communicating my needs.
Thanks for the advice though.
I’ll read when to have sex with men…May 17, 2022 at 3:29 pm #933637
I like this forum, I just start reading other people’s experiences even though I’m not going through it. Its curiosity and a lesson for me to see what other peoples experiences are.