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How to Stop Being Jealous

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Jealousy in Relationships

Stop-being-jealousJealousy in relationships can be a horrible, destructive force. It causes us to act irrationally, and sometimes plain crazy. One time a reader messaged me asking what to do about her boyfriend. She sent me a series of screen grabs from their text conversations and they were all basically exactly the same.

Her: Were you with a girl last night?

Him: No!

Her: Do you swear you weren’t?

Him: Yes!

Her: Did you talk to another girl?

Him: No! Why are you so jealous and crazy?

Her: I just need you to answer me, did you speak to another girl last night?

Him: Stop asking me the same question! Something’s wrong with you, how many times can I tell you the same thing?

Her: Okay last question, why did you like another girl’s picture on Facebook? Are you seeing her behind my back?


This girl was feeling jealous and was terrified of losing her guy, and she seemed oblivious to the fact that her jealousy was the very thing pushing him away!

Jealousy and paranoia go hand in hand. Being paranoid that your boyfriend is going to cheat will not make him any less likely to cheat. You need to learn to separate fact from fiction, to see what is reality and what are your own emotionally generated delusions.

Usually when we become jealous in a relationship it’s not because of something that is, but because of something that we fear. For example, your guy talks to another girl and you get jealous because you fear that maybe he’ll cheat, or that he’ll want to cheat. The feeling beneath that is insecurity; it’s thinking that she’s better than you. And this creates a fear—a fear that he’ll leave because you aren’t worthy. All of this is self-generated; you are creating this reality.

The good news is that you have the ability to write a different script. You can choose to participate in a line of thinking that makes you feel good about yourself. You can choose to strengthen your relationship with him. Maybe by talking about your fears and vulnerabilities, or by connecting in different ways. This is much more productive than starting a fight with him because you’re jealous and afraid of certain outcomes.

Remember, jealousy usually stems from within you. It’s up to you to get it under control. Now what if your guy does things that border on shady? What if he has cheated or if he is sneaky? Well, that’s a different topic. The issue there is trust, not jealousy. And that is also on you to decide why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who you can’t trust. But like I said, that’s a different discussion.

Jealousy comes down to desire. We desire something someone else has and believe that we can, and should, have the same thing. The good news is we can control our desires, we can control our thoughts, and the best way to have a happy life that you love is to start loving the life you have!

(Side note: be sure to take our “Are You Accidentally Destroying Your Love Life?” quiz to make sure you aren’t committing some of the greatest relationship sins, like jealousy among others.)

And I know I was kind of hard on social media, that’s why I really try to be as inspiring as possible on our social media channels!

Like my Facebook page for daily words of relationship wisdom, and check out our Instagram for my favorite quotes, and even the occasional baby bump pic :)

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

5 comments… add one

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Khushali Thakkar

I have always loved your writings. Your words are so inspiring. Lots of love ❤

Reply September 2, 2017, 4:30 am


Congrats on the baby on theway and thanks for the article

Reply August 12, 2017, 7:32 am


Your website has to be the elecirontc Swiss army knife for this topic.

Reply November 5, 2016, 10:20 pm

Shefali Sood

I would just like to say a huge thank you to you for sharing your thoughts so magnanimously. I have read a string of your articles and the reason, apart from your brilliant writing, is the fact that everything you say resonates and comes from a place of gratitude. Why I find it so easy to believe you is because you are so sure and so honest about all that you write. And I think that is what sets you apart from a lot of people doing the same job as you. So thank you. I am truly grateful to you. Many congratulations on the baby that is on the way!

Reply October 19, 2016, 8:34 am


This was a great article and absolutely true. Today i made an experiment I looked at my FB profile as an outsider and that was a pretty fantastic life pictured there. I bet if everybody does the same it will turn out like this. The point is even without scoring high on social media, or reporting on extraordinary achievements there, life a life that is meaningful to you not to other people.

Reply May 18, 2016, 9:46 am

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