When Sabrina and I started A New Mode, I would joke about how I could care less about female fashion and yet we were starting a fashion site. Truth is, I still don’t care… but now that the site is almost a year old, I am at least familiar with what women are wearing.
Every so often I’ll be working on a collage for the site and I’ll start talking to Sabrina about the things that the celebrities are wearing with my offensively male opinion. Now she’ll probably regret it, but Sabrina picked out a few looks that girls would consider fashionable or ‘trendy’ and asked me to provide some commentary.
I warned her that I was going to be honest. So before I begin, let’s just be clear: half of these things I would never notice, but since I’m writing this article I looked extra close. I just didn’t want any women to be confused and think that guys actually care about female fashion. ;)
Let’s begin…
Ashley Olsen:
This look isn’t bad. It kind of reminds me of a child hiding in a pile of blankets. I should mention that I loathe (LOATHE) circle sunglasses in general, but amazingly these aren’t all that bad. Not that I would ever notice this in “real life”, but her matching shoes, watch and bag is kind of cool too.
Overall, the look doesn’t do anything special for me. Wouldn’t turn my head…
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.
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Jessica Stroup:
Overall, I like this look. She’s rocking the outfit, which counts for something too. I dig the heels. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, heels are always a good idea (unless they’ll make the girl taller than me… then that’s a no-go).
The shorts are kind of gaudy/80’s-sh… I’m not a fan of anything that resembles the 80’s as far as fashion goes. On the other hand, she’s showing off lots of legs which definitely works for me. I like the shirt too, looks feminine and the material looks nice and smooth like a night gown. Plus it shows some skin, which (again) works for me.
I think the blazer is a good choice too. Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing a hot girl wearing square or puffy shoulders. I like the shape of a woman’s shoulders to look like… a woman’s shoulders!
Kim Kardashian:
Yikes. Wow.
I told Sabrina that I wasn’t going to tear into the outfits for the sake of being “snarky”. But this is a disaster.
Plus, Kim Kardashian can look really really good. She has a good body and yet… she’s wearing an outfit that looks like she’s trying to hide a weight problem.
It looks like she killed a golden retriever and wrapped it around herself. And I despise the leggings. Horrid. I think opaque leggings are just plain dopey looking. Anti-sexy.
I don’t know what it is, but those aviator glasses make her look scary. And I like aviators, but those are… not good.
Leighton Meester:
OK, yes. Now this is a good outfit. Shows off lots of skin… she’s not wearing a ton of blankets or shoulder pads or other crap. And most importantly, she’s not wearing tights. There is hope.
The shirt is a little weird, but I don’t care. I like this kind of outfit – feminine, shows off her body and curves (as opposed to covering it with squared shoulders, baloony harem pants, etc.) and isn’t slutty-looking.
The heels seem to give her some nice lift, which I dig. I’m not crazy about the closed-toe ballerina look, but it doesn’t bother me. Let’s be honest, I wouldn’t notice the footwear in real life, but it would make all the difference to me if she’s wearing heels versus flats.
Nicky Hilton:
The more I look at this outfit, the more angry I get. This looks terrible.
The squared shoulders and the blazer coming down to her hip make her body look like a square! I can’t stand outfits that obliterate any semblance of the female form. What woman-hating person created this outfit?
And again, I hate tights. Nude-colored tights aren’t horrible, but dark or light colored tights just stink. It takes something sexy (legs) and makes them look silly. The only thing worse than colored tights is opaque colored tights.
The one positive thing I can say about her outfit is I dig the high heels. The bracelet is OK too, I guess.
In conclusion, we learned the followed lessons:
- Tights look dopey.
- Squared shoulders make me nauseous.
- Wear whatever you want on your feet, as long as it has a heel on it.
- Show some skin.
(This is why straight guys don’t write fashion articles.)
– Eric Charles
