What No One Tells You About Good Relationships post image

What No One Tells You About Good Relationships

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1. Manage Your Thoughts
Emotionally generated thoughts tend to become magnified and then multiply. Let’s say your wonderful, loving boyfriend doesn’t text you back for hours one day. In that moment, maybe you start to get upset and think, “I can’t believe he didn’t answer that sweet text I just sent him; I know he always has his phone on him and is constantly checking it. He must not care about me, or maybe he’s having doubts. He never shows me he cares (then insert a running tab of all the instances, big or small, where you didn’t feel cared for by him). I can’t believe I’m with a guy who doesn’t appreciate me, I don’t deserve this,” and on and on.

The more the thoughts come flooding in, the more upset you will become. Instead of going down this road, cut it at the source. OK, he didn’t text back right away, it must mean he’s in a meeting or got tied up. He cares about you; you know he does. He texts back right away the majority of the time.  His feelings didn’t suddenly change; that just wouldn’t make any sense.

Try to identify your faulty line of thinking and gain more objective awareness. Look for the good in him and the good in your relationship and focus on that instead of participating in a negative line of thinking that isn’t serving you in any positive way.

2. Tell Him What You’re Feeling
I mentioned earlier that sometimes we can suddenly feel hurt or upset by something minor. When this happens, it usually isn’t the result of what’s going on in the present, but it’s because some hurt from the past was triggered. If you find yourself feeling scared or upset, just be open and tell him.

Being vulnerable is what strengthens emotional bonds. In a healthy, loving relationship we need to trust that we can be vulnerable with our partners without them using our disclosures against us. If something happens and you feel an emotional response, tell him what’s going on. Maybe you say something like, “I really care about you and I want to get closer to you but I have been hurt badly in the past and sometimes my fear of being hurt again gets triggered.”

These honest disclosures will not scare him away; if anything, they will make him feel even closer to you and he will want to protect your emotions even more. When you get angry or defensive or blame him for making you feel a certain way, then you activate his fears and his defenses and it pushes him away.

No matter what darkness you have inside, being open and honest about it and sharing it in a loving way will strengthen your bond. As long as it’s done without blame or shame, you can basically tell him anything.

3. Manage Your Mood
The only person you can control is yourself. You can inspire a man to feel and do certain things, but you can never force it out of him. A lot of us fall into the role of being victims of circumstance. We let the things that happen dictate how we feel when really that’s our decision to make. Yes, sometimes something will happen and you will have an immediate emotional response, but it’s up to you whether that incident ruins your day or not. You can choose to participate in the negative thoughts that come along with whatever happened or not. And your mood is largely under your control.

When you bring a happy, positive mood into your interactions with your guy, it’s contagious and spills over onto him. When he feels that positive energy, he feels happy and empowered and he wants to do more and give more and be even better in the relationship. It is only when a man feels defeated or feels like a loser who can’t make his woman happy that he retreats and doesn’t do those loving behaviors.

MORE: 11 Ways to Find True Happiness

4. Resolve Your Issues, Don’t Wait for Them to Solve Themselves
A good relationship will always bring your unresolved issues to the surface. That’s because good relationships with partners who love us force us to be at our best…and in order to be our best, we have to deal with and rid ourselves of our worst. Whether it’s insecurity, poor self-esteem, fear of abandonment, or character flaws like being insensitive, inpatient, or selfish…they all come out. You can try to shove them to the side, but they’ll keep coming back until they are properly dealt with.

Love can be healing in some ways, but your partner is not responsible for your emotional wellbeing – only you are. The path to resolution will be different for everyone. Some will find the answers on their own, some may find it in a self-help book  (one of my favorites is the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem; I think this is a must-read for everyone, no matter what your relationship status), and some will want to work with a therapist.

The worst thing you can do is nothing. Problems don’t just work themselves out on their own; you don’t wake up one day and discover that all your issues are gone. The greatest service you can do for yourself and your relationship is to be growth-oriented and continue striving to be your best self.

5. Tell Him What You Want
Even the best boyfriend or husband in the world isn’t going to give you exactly what you want all the time because he doesn’t always know what you need…and the best way to get it is to just tell him! Men are not responsive to nagging or criticism, but they can be enormously receptive – and appreciative – when you tell them what makes you happy in a loving way.

This feels so much better than being upset at him for not doing something and holding it in and silently resenting him for it. When you do this, you transmit a punishing vibe that hangs in the air and poisons everything, making him even less likely to do what you want.

We all give and experience love in different ways. Even in the best relationship, you aren’t going to feel completely loved all the time. Again, some of this is the result of your own stuff and some of it is because he doesn’t always know what to do to make you feel loved.When you tell him, then you free yourself of the confines of feeling resentful and unloved and he feels betters because now he can rise up and be the amazing man you need and deserve. So everyone wins.

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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Bullet points! Bullet points! Bullet points! It’s too long and condense. Hard to read.

Reply February 1, 2020, 12:56 pm

Jacky jaclyn

I don’t know if he is using me. He is always saying i love you and i miss you, but he doesn’t show any interest in our relationship. If i don’t contact him he will mind me. what do i do.

Reply August 23, 2019, 6:25 pm


Hi Sabrina, your work is absolutely great. So true and balanced, it clearly comes from personal experience and the wisdom to know to look at yourself objectively and call yourself on it, which can only come through deep honest self reflection. I guess you’re doing some sort of meditation, because it’s an effective way to get to these truths. The world needs more people like you to break through all the misconceptions of relationships and love, in order for people to have a more balanced perspective on themselves and others, which will bring the mind of connection and true honest love we are all capable of experiencing. Keep up the good work, you and Eric are way showers. Well done!

Reply July 5, 2019, 2:40 am


All I can say is,…. Your so good! Like spot on! I know I self sabotage because of past relationships. Been so so burned. I just can’t relax. Even though my bf is my ex fiance. Long romantic story. Anyway, thanks for the read

Reply June 27, 2017, 12:35 am


Fantastic. I identify with all you said. Thanks for helping me see through my weaknesses. I can work on them now. God bless you.

Reply February 4, 2016, 4:38 pm


I have been in and out of a relationship for 1year 8 months with a guy who is confused on if he wants to be with me or if he wants to be single. I was his first love he is 23 and I am 26. He says he does not like commitment because he feels like he has to answer to someone and he hates it. We have been broke up for three days and he keeps calling me asking me what should he do. I am tired of him not knowing what he wants, and I don’t know what to do because I am very in love with him but this is killing me…. What should I do?

Reply January 11, 2015, 1:55 pm


hi cleaning a long distance relationship he lives 3 hours away when were together our sex life is great and we get along really good although he’s kind of like a know it all mad upset there’s no way to get is attitude so disgusting it’s kind of like off he doesn’t text back right away but he used to how you’re moving to where he lives who knows apartment in February I hope I’m hoping this will make the relationship girl and that we get more involved with each others lif but we are both divorced and live been through a lot I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing wrong if anybody has any comments please let me know because I really want to get closer to this guy and I don’t want to annoy him by Father me mother kind of cookies very busy with work always on the computer

Reply December 24, 2014, 3:59 pm


Best. Article. Ever.

Reply December 24, 2014, 7:41 am


Man this sounds exactly like my relationship to a “t” or however that saying goes lol! But no it does! This stuff definitely works! I started my relationship with my guy off with loads of fears and insecurities because I’ve been very hurt in past relationships and was even a victim of domestic violence… I felt an instant attraction to my man and always felt like we are very compatible. I could tell he felt the same towards me because his eyes always light up when he sees me, we talk for hours, he is always trying to be close to me, and texting me throughout the week, I could just tell!! But at first too I couldn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t working back then. I’d text him something sweet and he would take a little longer then usual to reply and I would text him a multipaged text about how he hurt my feelings by not responding and he would reply sorry I was busy doing something but I always thought no he always has his phone on him so that’s impossible! I’d constantly be getting my feelings hurt over the littlest things. I was constantly on edge just waiting to get hurt or stood up and when I participated in these negative thoughts all the time it’s like my fears would become reality… Then I found this site and at first I followed all the advice but it was more like I was just pretending to have the confidence and “playing a game” but the more I kept faking it while reading the daily emails and any article that would help the more I started truly gaining confidence and loving myself for who I am… I started acting towards my relationship with my man from a place of love and happiness instead of fear and nagginess and my relationship finally started to get better. I realized if he stayed with me through all my nastiness he must truly care and I need to start treating him better. Since my attitude adjustment I went from being stood up occasionally to hanging out with my bf every weekend and never getting stood up! I feel like now I can talk to him about anything and he is my best friend. We still haven’t put an actual title on it but he has been hinting it and I want to too but I want to be my completely best self before I do that because I think he deserves the best in the world and I want to make sure I can give that to him. I’ve also noticed now that I’m trying to change the patterns/behaviors that he didn’t like in me, he is trying to change the things I didn’t like in him. It that’s all we can do is try and we are both very appreciative for one another’s effort! Thanks guys :)

Reply December 23, 2014, 4:11 am


Sabrina, you nailed it. Thank you.This should be required reading for everyone posting on the forums.

Reply December 22, 2014, 4:01 pm


Omg please help me. I am that person, and I’ve been in this relationship for a full year now. My man doesn’t want to even hold my hand. We live together and at this point it feels like he just keeps me around to help him pay the bills. Seriously, where do I start? HOW do I even start to fix this? What is wrong with me? I have no friends, I had gotten rid of most them in the beganing BC he had been cheated on by his ex and lost his children due to that messed up relationship. I understood, I got rid of the men in my life, I barely talk to anyone and my femail friends drifted away (BC lord knows they have their own life and issues and my best friend has moved half way across the US). If he ever once truely cared and loved me I don’t feel it at all now. He’s just… Thoughtful. Sometimes. Like hell bring home my favorite Debby cakes every once in a blue moon. But other than that he just seems… Greedy. Like someone who was an only child and only knows how to take, take, take. Won’t hold my hand, hug, kiss me, but wants me to draw on his back, clean his nails, pluck his brows – that tyoe of thing… He’s that way sexually as well. Seriously, I’m miserable. I care about him a lot, I deal with some seriously craziness in my head in this relationship and I just really need to know where I can even start. I want this to be a relationship, not just… A roommate, who he occasionally plays video games and watch TV with. Where. Do. I. Start?

Reply September 12, 2015, 2:32 am

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