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- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
Mary.
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MARY
A little background on my situation.
I have been divorced for a while(6 yrs) last year I decided I wanted to start dating. I still don’t want to get married or move in with anyone but I want someone to go out, to have fun, to spend time together. I met this guy on a dating website, we had a great date. Long story short we have been dating for over 6 months. We were very clear with each other from the beginning, he is going through a divorce and I don’t want to get married or move in with anyone and neither one of us wants kids(I have a daughter and he doesn’t have any)
We basically have been seeing each other every week for about 6 months.
Last month he started a new job, for which he had to go back to school a few days a week, around that same time apparently his wife was doing the divorce paperwork so I was a little nervous that he would flip out because I’m aware it was a lot to handle for anyone.
A couple of weeks ago he tells me he will be super busy because of the classes and test and work so I’m not expecting to see him that week. He texted me on Saturday around noon and asks me if I want to go out for drinks, I laughed inside but jokingly responded “do you want to see me or are you bored?” He didn’t respond, but at first I thought he was probably tired and fell asleep, so I got in the shower and wash my hair but then times goes by and he doesn’t respond. A week went by and I texted him and told him I had something for him if he wanted me to put it in the mail, by now I’m worried this guy texted me daily for almost 7 months and now he doesn’t respond so I wonder if he is ok? So I asked him if he is ok? He responded the next day with “Yes I’m fine,I’m sorry. things have gotten too serious and that’s not what I’m looking for right now” and that was it.
Now when we started dating he was going on full speed wanting to see each other every other day and I had to slow him down and tell him we need to take it easy. He wanted to go on trips, he wanted me to move at the end of my lease to a place closer to him. He was going really fast and I had to make him stop(I was nice about because I do enjoy spending time with him) and NOW he tells me things were getting too serious and that’s not what he wants. I’m super confused. Can anyone help me understand this?kaye
I am sorry you are going through this. And I know nothing I can say will take away the hurt you are feeling right now, but it may help you understand it for the future. In my experience there are a lot of men who while going through a divorce start dating. They are looking for an ego boost to know they are still desirable, still attractive, etc. They are also looking for a crutch to help them ignore the pain. So they immediately try to “fast forward” the relationship to get to the level of intimacy they had with their ex. They think they can just insert another female in her place and voila…everything will be fine. Essentially they are looking for a band aid, a distraction to keep them from feeling all this hurt, confusion, anger, etc of the divorce.
But soon these feelings come bubbling to the surface and can no longer be ignored. That’s when they get distant, want space, need to take a break, say they aren’t ready for a relationship, things are getting too serious etc. Ultimately men who have been in a marriage for a number of years want to get out and play the field. They want to know what’s out there. See if the grass is greener, etc. When I first read your post I was wondering if that text was even meant for you about going out for drinks. Possibly he was already texting another woman on the dating site and accidentally sent it to you since you never did hear from him again for a week! He’s not wanting a serious relationship right now because he’s still in the process of a divorce and he shouldn’t be!
My advice to you is not to get involved with a man who isn’t divorced. Even then it’s better if they’ve been divorced 1-2 years before you start seeing them. It’s easy to say you don’t want serious or marriage or to move in with a man, but it’s really hard to casually date without falling for them and being hurt when they leave. You really need to look inside and decide if casual is what you want or if you want a long term committed relationship.
Peggy
Hi Mary. I agree with Kaye on everything and her advice. Except when he suggested drinks, I bet he was planning to break it off then,tell you he did not want to be serious ,in person.
Newbie
I also fully agree with kaye. Youre the classical rebound im afraid and he was full on to temporary forget about the divorce process. Now he ended it as he realizes you do see it as more serious and he cant commit to that. I would not try to invest more time with this guy as i believe you were a bandaid. Not consciously but needed to get through. I also agree with kaye advice on divorced men and i advice you in the future to specify on both parts what casual means. When guys hear casual they often hear ‘no strings attached’ and see it as a Total come and go kind of thing
Anon
Excellent response by Kaye- men are very predictable in the way they handle their emotions. I’m sure this is a huge disappointment and you probably feel used. There are those rare occasions when both parties fall in love before the ink dries, but that is the minority. Majority of men- and I will say- at all ages (even men 60+) want to play the field after they divorce. It must be in their DNA.
Do not send him anything- toss it
Mary
Thank you everyone! I’m not sure what sure what I feel, I’m not heartbroken but I was super confused. I understand though I will make sure that I don’t go anywhere near any guy who is just getting divorced. Lesson learned.
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