Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?


Home Forums The Community Lounge Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?

Viewing 15 posts - 51 through 65 (of 65 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #594108 Reply
    R

    Wow, Jillian…you are so spot on it’s uncanny. And everyone’s story on here is helpful to read. A sharing of vulnerability is important. Some people feel they ‘have it all together’ when it comes to love but may struggle in other areas. It’s a strength to admit that you are still working it out. A lot of sensitive women can also fall for narcissists, (I think one posted on here) and they are obsessed with a self-image, distancing from emotions and integrity and using the silence/distancing as power because they are deeply wounded in their self-worth and their presence/absence in your life will only take from you energetically without a fair energy exchange. And they are the hardest to spot because they are con men but vacuous inside. Just calling it like it is. They can also be female of course.
    A lot of people have identified what I also see as a way to prevent these toxic connections. Step back and re-evaluate. Keep your love and trust until someone has earned it and proven who they are. Watch their actions-do they align with their words. Particularly earlier on. They can play a charade but only for so long.
    Don’t be afraid to take a break from dating. I recognised that losing my father impacted the dark men I attracted, where previously I attracted loving men. It is what it is.
    Lastly, I understand that some people feel that they need to find the right guy for them younger. But I don’t think love works like that with time. We don’t have as much control as we may believe- isn’t that proven by the unexpected way in which we meet those incredible people who touch our hearts? It’s always unexpected. You can search and search, but the right person will show up whenever you are ready to connect.
    Final note- avoid dating sites that are meant for hooking up! It’s a fallacy that we even need the Internet to meet men. I avoid the Internet scene now and men have started to pop up in other ways.
    Basically, you meet people,learn to screen them when they show up and value the love that you have to give and we can’t hurry true love as much as any of us would like to. I’ve seen people find their true soul mates at 60. It is what it is. Wishing my fellow sisters the best!

    #607442 Reply
    Lulu

    This post has really helped me open my eyes. I searched for answers with Google as to what I am going through, and I got them. I read all 51 of these posts and they have some main themes in common. Sex and ego boosts are what drives these guys to disappear and reappear. A guy friend of mine once told me, “Expect the behavior you accept”. And I think that pretty much explains every woman who is stuck in this cycle. They are all romantic hopefuls who are conned by these men over and over. A boyfriend of mine recently reappeared just when I had started to forget him and I admit it caught me off guard. So I texted him back, then the phone calls started. He pursued me like crazy. Then I spend the night with him and BANG! Dropped me like a hot potato. Suddenly I sas the one who called and texted and at first he responded a bunch of excuses like I’m so tired, I’m so busy, I’m so sick. Then my texts went unresponded once in a while, which never happened before. So I was feeling like I was crazy. He would eventually text and call and say nothing was wrong he’s just busy, sick, tired or whatever. But I knew better. It was deja vu all over again. So I googled this thread. Now I know it’s not my fault for being a sensitive, nice person who is looking for a romance and love. But also now that I know he’s a conman I have now “ghosted” him. He has texted me 3 times in 2 days and I haven’t responded a peep. At first I felt bad for playing such dirty games. I always at least text an “I’m not interested” or “I don’t feel a connection” or whatever to let the person know to move on. But now I have decided that I don’t need to be the good guy, or the victim anymore. Let him have a taste of his own medicine now. I’m moving on. And I am very sure it will take him all of 15 minutes to replace me with his next conquest. But one day he will think of me and have some respect instead of underestimating me like he did. Too bad for him that by then I will have moved on to a loving and respectful relationship with someone who deserves my time. :) bye bye sucka! Lol.

    #607444 Reply
    Lulu

    Thank you to all of the women and men who posted here (except for the one crazy bitter divorced guy who was degrading women on here) because your stories helped a sweet, naive, and romantic hopeful like me to open my eyes, and to flip the script on a narcissistic conman whose behavior and actions didn’t match. Thank you so much guys! I am grateful for your open hearts and posts. Thank you so, so, so much!!

    #616987 Reply
    Jean Batislaong

    The disappearing act is normally, I believe, because of third party and men don’t want to drop you because they just make you an option… My last relationship with a man is kind of a bad nightmare.. Met him online and we finally or officially met in person after a year… And after 3 years, ERKKI TAPANI LIPPONEN, a finnish guy went astray and went back to his thailander ex without me knowing.

    take note of his name as he maybe looking for a woman online to become his victim.

    #618004 Reply
    Mae

    Hi ladies!

    This happened to me lately with a new boyfriend. Met him online through OKC. After a few days of texting we met up last Valentines. Things went well as I wasn’t expecting it to go anything beyond casual. One date turned into weekly dates and lots of texts in between. After a month of being sweet and thoughtful, he asked for exclusivity and us to become a couple. Since the chemistry was good, I agreed.

    A few weeks into the relationship i’m seeing less of him but still once a week so i thought everything was still good. Last April 1 he texted me that he has a problem at work. I tried to encourage him with words but my messages remain unanswered until 2 days after wherein he replied with ‘hey’ and asked why i tried to call him instead of texted. He also asked why I disappeared. So i told him, i thought i was giving him space when he didnt reply to my messages. That he was taking some break to deal with his problems. Then he told me the specifics about his problem at work which was really serious. So i tried again to be supportive with my words. Asked him if there’s anything else i can do for him and he just replied with thanks.

    It was radio silence again after that and I tried to call him once a day. I also had a crazy busy week but was still worried about him. 5 days later he replied again with ‘hey”. So I tried to play it cool and said it was good to hear from him. That I also had a crazy week and told him have a great day.
    He just replied with “it was very bad days. sorry for not replying to your calls but was in really bad mood”.
    TL;DR: What to do with this? Should I just move on already or ask him why he didn’t at least text?

    #618008 Reply
    Mila

    This is very useful post to read and I have found it just in time cos I am now going through it too. My ex, who suddenly disappeared a month ago just reappeared yesterday with some casual phrases about the weather and donald trump. I was polite but cold and so he is not writing for a day already.

    I have my doubts about cold shoulder I gave him but mostly because I would like better to explain him WHY his behaviour is a turn off and thus – possibly and hopefully – to improve him a bit for the next relationship. If men do not know something they should be pointed out at that, otherwise it will take longer time for them to understand.

    To Mae: seems like he is going through a lot at the moment and also – that you are not his #1 priority. Assure him that you are here for him if needed but then give him a space. If he needs you he will reach out, if not you will know that he is not your guy and move on.

    #618038 Reply
    Nat

    Mila, why do you want to help him in his new relationship? I think you are fooling yourself, deep down you want him to treat you better, which means you are still hoping.

    The guy is “hey”ing you. Hey is for horses. You explained to him once that unanswered texts are not welcome, he is not a child, he was not born yesterday, he knows. He had the audacity to tell you not to text actually, by asking why you call instead of texting. Imagine you were a top model or his boss, do you think he’d talk to you this way? This is your answer into WHY. He is not valuing you enough. You don’t need to be a top model for a guy to respect you and value you. All you need is to imagine how he’d treat his boss or a top model. It will be with respect and attention at the very minimum.

    You’ve expressed to him enough. There is no point in saying more. Pull away and make him your LAST priority for real. When he feels it he will either step up or disappear.

    #618049 Reply
    Crisula

    Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?

    1. Because they think the grass is always greener
    2. realize that it isn’t
    3. come back
    4. start feeling restless
    5. back to step one.

    They’re the ‘boomerang boyfriends’

    google it…

    #625694 Reply
    meg

    I too have been through the same situation. I will share my experience. I am from India. Well, recently i met a guy on an online dating app. I was reserved, didn’t bug him much with calls and messages. So he was the one who initiated the meeting. After my apprehensions i decided to meet him. We met for almost like five times in almost a span of two weeks. He assured rather he made me believe that i am exactly the girl he was searching for so long. I mean really???
    I recently had a sticky situation with my room mate and was just coping with the same. Unfortunately, i made the mistake of sharing that with this new guy. I was honest that i told him that me and my room mate parted on a bad note.
    This new guy had a strong thought in his head that he was merely a rebound for me which wasn’t the case. but he was giving me the required space and time.
    So, he dropped in one day to surprise me….and unfortunately i had my room mate at my place as he had some of his stuff lying which he came to collect. So this new guy simply texted me for the very last time saying Thank you and vanished.
    i made desperate efforts to call him and text him to just tell him that whatever he is thinking is wrong. But all in vain.
    All he responded was “I can’t talk to you anymore.Sorry” and vanished.
    not even once he tried to give me a chance to atleast explain as to why that guy came over.
    Since then I am simply trying to figure out as to why did he just walked over me when he proclaimed that he so badly wants to be with me…why??
    I am simply confused as i cannot get this guy out of my mind.

    #625707 Reply
    Hannah

    Mega I don’t think he walked all over you or wasn’t being honest. I think seeing you with another guy freaked him out and he backed off because he didn’t want to get hurt. It’s not your fault at all. It’s just unfortunate. You’ve tried to explain but he doesn’t know you well enough to trust you so he’s decided to walk away. There really isn’t anything you can do I’m afraid, except hope he changes his mind.

    #626021 Reply
    meg

    Hannah, thanks for the reply.
    I really like this guy, the feelings that i have for him are real.
    I too had no other choice because i had to get rid of my room mate and his stuff. This probably was the last time wherein the room mate visited.
    I seriously want to get back to this guy.
    I will be grateful if at all something can be suggested.
    I understand that he was freaked out but he even needs to understand and at least for once just give me a chance to share what exactly the thing was.
    Since we had just started meeting each other he should have given me an opportunity to at least once explain what the scene was.
    Is there any possible way to get him talk to me once.

    #631943 Reply
    S.

    OMG! This has happened to me TWICE after an awesome first and second date! What the heck…. seriously…. he was like “omg you are so amazing”… and then VANISHED! Also, he lied about going to Europe for the weekend….wtf….

    #632329 Reply
    sonieux

    Hey there. It is so interesting to read all these comments, feeling that this is not happening only to me. Now I personally know what means ghosting and even more zombeeing, at the age of 32 with a guy who is 32 and appears just when i get over it. I want to let it go but i know i got hurt and as you, I also dont understand this behavior. In my world it is 0 or 1 = yes or no, no between, waiting, they should be waiting for us. So i am passing, but still got hurt.

    All the best to all of us.

    #635357 Reply
    Amy

    I have been through this too many times to count. And YES it is frustrating as HELL…but here it is: The unvarnished truth…well, at least from my perspective. I used to become angry at “ghosters” and felt bad about myself, until I started to realize I was shamefully doing the same thing to men too! I wasn’t DELIBERATELY ghosting on them, and it wasn’t because I DIDN’T like them, but it was because I DID. If a guy was a jacka**, it would be a quick, obvious, sharp DUMP and moving on. But if he was a nice guy with his act together, but I JUST wasn’t feeling that chemistry or connection that I am looking for, I would pull back. Because I have tried the “let’s be friends” route…dudes DO NOT like that! I don’t want to completely cut off connection from him, but I still want to look around to see if something else pops off. In other words, if he came back to you, you can know you probably weren’t his first choice. So if you’re okay with that idea, go for it! Otherwise, you could say you’re ok with friendship, if you are…or drop him like a dirty habit! Hang in there ladies!

    #637307 Reply
    peggy

    This is for Meg-He “did not give me a chance to explain”. Sorry,I think if he was really into you,he would have talked to you, instead of making assumptions. The roommate thing, was just an excuse imo.

Viewing 15 posts - 51 through 65 (of 65 total)
Reply To: Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>