why do men do this?

Next time talk and map it out before you invested.

You won’t get drained and move to the next one in no time.

Don’t forget – you say yes and who…

I agree with Maria on this.

Men only “get away” with what we allow.

Trust me, a man either commits to me early enough in the game or I am soooo gone….I do not get emotionally involved until he is firmly emotionally involved big time…

Em’s advice is also my principles.

That’s why I haven’t wasted a second getting mixed signals or played or feeling confused… never before.

“Instead I invest in men who show they are likeminded from the beginning. That is no guarantee of how things end up, but at least I know I am using my time well.”

If all of us would do this, then they will be less threads in this forum :)

Men wanna have their cake and eat it too

Eric

“I think that a key to this is that (I’m assuming) Em really does mean that she wishes them well…”

Very much so. Almost all of them are decent people. Like Hannah said just because someone comes from a different place from you does not make them a bad person.

I hope you choose to let this guy go because he will never give you what you want. And don’t try to convince yourself that this is what you want, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Don’t lower your standards or compromise to please this guy. You will just keep getting hurt.

I was amused when EM said some men are surprised that she doesn’t want to meet again, when it’s obvious you are on different pages. Good for you. It’s a simple as not needing to waste anyone’s time, especially your own.

I think there is something foundational beneath all this, as far as having strong boundaries or not.

When we accept and love ourselves, we don’t struggle with setting healthy boundaries. You also don’t tend to accept less than you want. When we are looking for outside validation to feel better about ourselves, that seems to me to be where the problems arise.

It’s very difficult to stand firm when you are feeling insecure, which is why learning to love yourself should be everyone’s number one priority.

I don’t remember ever meeting a couple in a healthy relationship, that didn’t first love and respect themselves as individuals.

It’s a shame that some people think it’s okay to let people they care about walk all over them. That isn’t love.

Another problem I see is when people have an overall negative opinion of the opposite sex. Men and women are different. That does not make one better than the other. If you think most men are not looking for commitment, or only want sex, or are “jerks”, I’d ask why? Because I do not and have never believed that. I think it may be rooted in your personal experiences with the opposite sex, and if that is the case I think you need to look at why you are attracting that type of person.

What you need to do is pay close attention to someone’s character first. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. If they don’t return the same, move on.

If you don’t respect yourself, it’s unlikely anyone else will either. If you believe you will meet great people, it’s more likely to happen. If you limit yourself to negative outlooks it will manifest itself. Because we get what we focus on.

The world will never be short of men and women. But time, it’s limited and should be spent wisely.

I think is important to be clear early on on what is it that you are both looking for. I remember the first date I went with with my current boyfriend of now a year and a half, we sat down and i asked tons of questions, he always jokes that I interview him for the job, he i guess i kind of did, but i think is better if both parties are aware of what each are looking for.

Side note, a man who wants you in his life, will want to let does that are already part of it aware of your existence.

All of this makes me think of a song from the 80s, a one-hit wonder band called the Georgia Satellites. I heard an interview with the guy who wrote the song, and it is taken directly from a conversation he heard in a bar between a guy and girl. So for your amusement, here it is.

I got a little change in my pocket goin’ jing-a-ling-a-ling
Wants to call you on the telephone baby, a-give you a ring
But each time we talk, I get the same old thing
Always no hug-ee no kiss-ee until I get a weddin’ ring
My honey my baby, don’t put my love upon no shelf
She said don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

B-B-B-baby baby baby why you wan’ treat me this way
You know I’m still your lover boy I still feel the same way
That’s when she told me a story, ’bout free milk and a cow
And said no hug-ee no kiss-ee until I get a weddin’ vow
My honey my baby, don’t put my love upon no shelf
She said don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

See I wanted her real bad, and I was about to give in
But that’s when she started talking about true love,
Started talking about sin
And I said, honey I’ll live with you for the rest of my life,
She said no hug-ee no kiss-ee until you make me your wife-a
My honey my baby, don’t put my love upon no shelf
She said don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself

Dont trust too much
Dont love too much
Dont care too much
because that ‘too much’ will hurt you so much
At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart , but not in your life, and sometimes it’s better to be alone nobody can hurt you.

Bob Marley said :“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter (shade) when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that’s why I’m scared when you say you love me.”

Drained, don’t be too harsh on yourself. So you liked this guy and he turned out to be a dud. It’s unfortunate. Not all men are like that, and you only happened to date someone who took advantage of you.

I know it’s great to hear about how you need to love yourself more, push your self esteem, work on being at your best and all, but sometimes things like this happen. You like a guy who’s not a good match or is a player or is not into commitment or just a flat-out liar. I have to admit that not all of us are great at judging a man’s character. Some girls here are good at it, (perhaps after years of experience) while some are not. Good for those who meet the good ones and have It really is a case-to-case basis.

I think the best lesson here is to learn how to walk away when you’ve hit rock bottom, I mean when he already tells you where you stand and where the relationship is going (or if it’s not going anywhere). It is difficult, but you’ll be wiser for it, by knowing what you want and being more careful in terms of your discernment.