Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why am I still single?
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Talia.
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Talia
I am a 24 yo girl looking for a honest advice.
I’ll start with the good: I am very smart (diagnosed gifted, more into literature, philosophy and languages than into science), very pretty (I am regularly told I am “gorgeous” and I usually make an impression, I literally never worry if my date is gonna find me attractive or not), and I am also very kind and self-aware. I know when to recognize I am wrong, and I am overall well regulated emotionally. I am a caring and affectionate person, including with people I don’t know. I am also outgoing, I know how to make people and can easily sense what the other person is feeling or even thinking at each given moment. Carreer and stuffs are going well too.
Now the bad: I have a lot of past trauma that makes me very suspicious of men. Among my very first “relationships”, I had a narcissistic abuse and someone else who sexually abused me. My brother used to beat me as well. I have read lots of horror stories on the Internet about what other bad things can happen, so that I am prepared. Probably because of that, I also have vaginismus, so penetrative sex is hardly ever possible. Six months ago I have been straight up raped, I am currently pressing charges. Another thing that is bad is linked to one of the good stuff: I am probably way too nice for my own good. I really have to check myself to remember to put boundaries and to not put other’s needs above my own, and I usually feel guilty when I do. I often get taken advantage of because of it. Also, I don’t have many close friends nor a strong support system. I also have a “fearful-avoidant” attachment style which can make me ambivalent.
Maybe I miss an information that would be important. But basically I have been going out with boys since I was 17 and it never lasted more then two or three weeks at best. I have no idea how many people I dated in total but that must be a very high number. Usually I am the one who end up changing my mind and breaks things off ; it also happen that some people only wanted to get into my pants, and I do sometimes engage in casual sex (but end up getting attached cuz chemicals, so I decided to stop). Most official reasons why it didn’t work out in the past were distance, guys not being leftist enough, not being willing to see me at least once a week, or them taking drugs.
Looking forward to your honest, respectful advice, cause I am tired of living like this.
Thank you!Newbie
Youre tired of being single? After all that bad things that happened to you. Good news: youre very young so there is plenty of time to find a good quality man who will love you and put you on a pedestal. But i dont think you should date right now. If all those things happened to you and you also have a big number of guys you dated a few weeks, you should take a big time off of dating and consider counselling. Even if you think you are fine, you could be traumatized. You know these people who got kindnapped for instance and they delude themselves they love their kidnapper as a survivor tool. As an example. So i would focus on that first. Not as a life project but because you said yourself you suffered through a lot of trauma
Talia
Thank you for your kind advice, I am seeing a therapist indeed for these exact reasons! Getting to the bottom of my issues is definitely a priority for me. I spent six months out of dating but ended up getting back on it because of…needs. Which was enough to cause me heartbreak and drama, so I am out of dating again, hoping it’ll last longer this time.
Newbie
In sure you will be fine. Its good to only start to date with a clean slate. Also dont get too hung up on superficial stuff like your looks and how well behaved you are. Its true that good looks get you further in life with work and men but it also means you have to be a good guy picker because you also attract more vultures. Plus attraction for most people is based on something peculiar. So dont become a stepford wife but connect with your true self. All the best
Talia
Thank you!
mama
You said… “I spent six months out of dating but ended up getting back on it because of…needs.”
Keep doing the hard work on yourself and meet those “needs” on your own (i.e., no partners). ;)
Here’s the thing… dating is really challenging for even those who haven’t been through your trauma. You need to go into it strong and mentally healthy in order to have your eyes wide open and to make good decisions for yourself. Maybe talk to your therapist to work with you on setting a reasonable time frame for you to be on your own and what sort of milestones to reach with therapy to help decide when the time is right to get back into dating.
This is not sprint; it’s a marathon. Keep fighting for your healing and you will come out of this stronger and wiser about your own needs. :)
Talia
Thank you so much for your kind words! :) I will do that.
Julieta
Talia,
You are a survivor. I experienced some things you said and therapy helps a lot. You should be 100% alright to go dating again. Take your time to heal. You deserve it. After that, work on finding the right partner. Best of luck! Greetings from Barcelona (Spain)Talia
<3 <3 <3
cupcake
I don’t want this to come off patronising but you are a baby at 24! You really don’t beed to worry about having found “the one” or whatever at that age. If i were in your position, and be 24 again, i would solely focus on getting therapy and getting myself well and confident and healthy! The right boyfriend(s) will come along.
I can totally understand how you feel, but please dont stress! Focus on your life and yourself and the rest will followTalia
Thank you, and no you didn’t come off as patronizing :) It’s true I shouldn’t be in a hurry, it only leads to bad decisions. I’ll try and focus on myself!
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