Whether to tell recently divorced FWB about my feelings


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This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sara 2 months ago.

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  • #641537 Reply

    Kat

    I know this is long, but I’d so appreciate the help.

    I was in a long term casual sex relationship with this guy throughout my high school and college years. It started because I fell hard for him and took whatever crumbs I could get. He was definitely a player way back then. Anyway, toward the end of it he would start cracking jokes about how we should get married and have kids when we were older. I would get hopeful, but then nothing would come from it. One day I found out from his cousin that he was telling his friends about videos he had of us. I was beyond upset and completely turned my back on him with no explanation. He called nonstop for months, but I ignored him. I also blocked him on social media. He started calling my parents’ house too, which made me just freaked out and caused me to avoid him all the more. I was 23 at the time, by the way.

    For six years I gave no thought to him, other than some really negative feelings. Then I ran into him and his fiancĂ©e when they were getting their marriage license. I suddenly felt awful about how I ended things. I didn’t say anything to him but did text what used to be his cell number later wishing him well. The person claimed I had the wrong number.

    Figuring it was safe to unblock him, I did so. Less than a year later he messaged me asking to get together. He just filed for divorce. I was not seeing anyone but really wanted absolutely nothing to do with casual sex again. He insisted he just wanted to get together, so after a while I agreed to. Well we got together twice before he said he wasn’t looking for anything more than sex. I knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship but still felt played again. Nonetheless I agreed, figuring I would just get him out of my system. Well that’s a year ago, and I haven’t.

    The last year definitely had its ups and downs. I don’t think a divorce could go worse than his did, and he also lost his job. He was definitely depressed and would lash out a lot. Things would be great when we were together one time, and then he would say and do things that seemed aimed at hurting me the next. I didn’t know if he was upset about how I ended things before, though he says no.

    He has been out of town for work lately, so I don’t see him very much. The last time he was in I told myself it would be the last we got together, as I didn’t think he cared. When we were done having sex I immediately left, and then it dawned on me later that he seemed like he wanted to hang out some after. He is so inconsistent that I just don’t know what to think.

    He has only been divorced for 6 months, and with it being so bad I know he is not looking for a relationship. I really feel like I need to get my feelings off my chest though. I care a great deal for him, and it’s preventing me from dating other people.

    So, if I were to talk to him, how should I do it? I don’t see him very often, so it would be hard to do it face to face. Should I send a text? Suggest getting a drink next time he’s in town? We have never gone places in public, so he would have to know something is up. Again, though, being newly divorced I don’t want to freak him out. Or, should I wait to see if we get together next time he is home, and say something after?

    #641542 Reply

    Amz

    Seriously?! Why would you ever go back to a guy that treated you like that the first time around?

    And now he’s lashing out at you and you’re blaming his stress and divorce?! You’re making far too many excuses for him, though I guess you had to in order to get back together with him. This guy is toxic and your FWB relationship is too.

    I think you should walk away and NEVER return, but you probably won’t. So tell him you have feelings if you want, I don’t think it’l make any difference. He’s just using you for sex and as a punching bag and he’l keep doing that as long as you let him. He might run away too and that will actually be a blessing in disguise! The only thing I don’t see him doing is stepping up and reciprocating your feelings in any real way (he might pretend for a bit, to keep you around to use you though.)

    Seriously though, walk away, get some self-respect and don’t do FWB when you obviously can’t handle not catching feelings. Most women can’t and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. But you should be ashamed of staying so long with such a douche and not respecting yourself enough to wait for a real relationship with a ma who is capable of giving you one.

    #641552 Reply

    redcurleysue

    By your own description of your relationship you do not love this man…you are just hanging on and so is he.

    Let go. Build a better future for yourself without him in it.

    #641553 Reply

    Laura

    He’s a loser. He is using you and does not concern himself with your feelings.

    Y’all have history and this still is not enough for him to treat you woth decency. I must add though that you allow this mistreatment.

    Also, you don’t know how ex wife’s side of the story so avoid falling into that trap.

    You’ve spent enough of your precious energy on that guy; call it a lesson learned and find better for yourself.

    #641565 Reply

    Kat

    He would cycle between being nice and lashing out a while back in the heat of his divorce. Since then he has been nice. I am not making excuses for him and don’t even know that I would want anything. I just don’t want to quit talking to him again and regret not sharing how I feel. The timing is horrible though, with him being just divorced and all. That’s why I don’t know whether I even want to address it.

    #641570 Reply

    Hannah

    Why are you repeating the same cycle you have already been through before?

    Some men you can never, ever get out of your system. I know if I saw an ex of mine who was toxic, feelings would still be there. I’ve been married 15 years to a lovely man. But some feelings don’t die totally. So what have I done? Avoid him like the plague!

    It’s like going back to a restaurant that gave you food poisoning because the food tasted nice for a short period of time.

    He uses you as a free hooker. He has told you it’s only about sex, he never takes you out, he nearly shamed you with sex videos. There are no feelings on his part. He just likes sex with you. Ask him if you don’t believe me. In fact, PLEASE DO!! Because you seem to have a weird romantic fantasy about him. Maybe him telling you to your face that he’s only interested in your body will do it. (Although he’s already told you that and you can’t accept it!)

    #641583 Reply

    Amz

    You’re right you’re not making excuses for him. You’ve gone well past that, you’re in complete denial!

    This will never work, or be anything good. He’s a complete mess, it’s obvious, and so are you. You don’t even know what you want? Then why even ask if you should tell him your feelings? You’re all over the place. Get clear with yourself and what you want and who he is. You know there’s no point to telling him, deep down. But you’re secretly hoping for a miracle anyway. There’l be no happy ending here. You think telling him might help get things off your chest? Well if that’s your only goal, then do it. But don’t kid yourself that you’ll be satisfied after that if he doesn’t tell you what you really want to hear.

    It’s NOT about timing, or the divorce or anything like that. This guy will never be right for you. He’ll probably never be right for anyone. And you’ll never be right for anyone until you get out of denial and stop engaging with this unavailable man who’s treated you like sh*t in the past and deserves NOTHING from you.

    #641585 Reply

    Amanda

    I get a lot of attention from men, and a lot of nice ones. I still can’t totally get over my first “love” who treated me like crap – we are still friends (he is a better friend than lover) but thankfully live across the country and our friendship only consists of sending a few emails every couple of months. You got to get away from this guy like Hannah says. It will prevent you from finding the one guy who can really be the love of your life.

    #641593 Reply

    Emma

    Am I the only one who thinks ghosting on a guy like that was very cruel? He had been trying to get closure for months!!

    I am sure he felt resentment for years…and probably still feels some of it. He had feelings for you back then. He was an idiot to talk about videos to his friends but did he show it to them? It is not clear from your post. If he showed it to them I’d say there is no excuse for him, but if he only mentioned it, it is not that horrible. You said he was “telling” about videos he has.

    He reached out to you after many years (!!) and said he only wants sex but if he only wanted sex could he not get someone new? I think he said this to protect his pride. I am sure he still has lingering feelings for you, just like you have them for him.

    You need to learn how to communicate. You have a cruel and at the same time insecure way of dealing with issues. I am not saying this guy is nice, I don’t know, but I can see that you are not being nice yourself. You ghost on him without confronting him or telling him why, you bolt out of his place abruptly, you are not telling him how you feel, etc etc.

    Given your knowledge of this person, if you think he is a decent guy in general and if you have feelings for him still, you can try and correct the rough and inconsiderate dynamic you two have. One of you need to make an effort, he reached out to you, he tried, now you need to try. Talk to him heart to heart, discuss the past. Be honest and open with him, there is no shame in saying how you really feel. If you don’t like what comes from him after that, you can always tell him this is over and you can’t continue on these terms.

    #641602 Reply

    Kat

    Emma-Thanks for your honest input. You have no idea how awful I feel about how I ended things. When I was younger I absolutely pined over him and really assumed he knew how I felt. When that thing with the video happened I felt like an idiot and wanted nothing to do with him. I really didn’t think he cared or else I wouldn’t have ghosted on him like that. I know everyone thinks I’m crazy for thinking he could care, but it was his attempts to contact me that made me think he did after all. I was upset to hear all he wanted again was sex, but I still thought that he must have wanted to see me, as like you said he can have sex with anyone. As far as me leaving so abruptly, it’s because 8/10 times he seems like he just wants left alone. I just automatically assumed he didn’t want to bother and only later realized that it seemed he did not to BS some.

    What he did during the last year that would upset me so much was frequently being up other girls who are supposedly in his life. When I tell him I don’t want to hear about it, he asks why I care who he hooks up with. He never used to do that. A male friend of mine thought it was his attempt to make me jealous and show he has other options, as a result of how I ended things before.

    I’m not in denial of the situation. It’s because of his inconsistent actions that I don’t know what to think about how he feels. He seems very damaged, and I do not believe he wants anything serious with anyone. That’s why I don’t know whether to bring up my feelings. It’s just hard to stick around waiting for the right time to tell him.

    #641614 Reply

    Jen

    One of the clearest signs a guy is not into you is he talks about dating other women. Men never do this to make you jealous – they do it because they see you as a friend and only a friend. I was considering emma’s theory before you said this. Now it is clear you are a fu&8 buddy. As to why you? Sometimes men want what is familiar and he probably decided to try on a whim if you were still interested in casual sex like before. He got what he wanted.

    And you didn’t answer the question as to what exactly happened with the video?

    #641621 Reply

    Kat

    He doesn’t casually mention other girls. It started out as “if you can’t come today I’m sure someone else can,” Which made me think he was trying to make me feel threatened so I’d be super available. He finds ways to bring up the fact that he has lots of options. When I really laid into him one day about it he responded that he isn’t in a relationship because he can’t handle “this stuff.” He doesn’t do it as much now, but he would definitely go out of his way to bring up other girls and ask why it matters to me.

    As far as the video, no, he didn’t show anyone. I sent him a very long message one day after we started talking again explaining why I cut contact with him. I told him I deleted all his voicemails without listening and have no idea what he ever said. He just got upset and said it didn’t matter. I think he is still upset about it whether he admits it or not.

    #641627 Reply

    Kristin

    If I got wind of anyone having a sex video of me I would first send an email stating that it was not done with my permission and should be destroyed immediately and if I ever found it he’d shown it to anyone I’d sue. And then I’d never have anything to do with him again.

    You seriously need to raise your self esteem Kat. It’s past time to dump and forget forever.

    #641633 Reply

    Kat

    It was beyond stupid of me to allow him to take videos. He swears he showed no one and only told his brother.

    #641702 Reply

    Kat

    So all but one person thinks I am making a major mistake??

    #641704 Reply

    L

    making a mistake.? No.
    wasting your time. Absolutely.
    Reading your next thread after you ignore all this? Priceless.

    #641724 Reply

    Kristin

    I’d write him that email that you want any video destroyed and if you find out he still has it or worse is showing it to anyone, you will take legal action. I’m not going to rag on you for it, because you realize your mistake and it’s done. Just don’t ever ever ever allow this again. You have no idea where that video could show up. Same goes for pics and sexting.

    Re-read your original post and tell us what you would tell a friend who wrote this. I bet you’d tell her to run a marathon to get away.

    This guy is no good for you and never will be. Stop lowering your self-respect by carrying on with him.

    #641725 Reply

    Kristin

    I strongly disagree with Emma’s advice and I’m disappointed to see anyone encouraging you to stay with someone who treats you so badly over and over.

    #641726 Reply

    Kat

    Kristin-I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say about the video. That was literally 9 years ago that he told his brother about it. He never showed anyone. Why would I email him threatening legal action?

    #641730 Reply

    Kristin

    Ah. Never mind.

    #641778 Reply

    Sara

    My initial reaction is to forget about him. But since you took the time to write such a long post, you clearly aren’t going to do that. So tell him about your feelings in a phone call, not a long letter, and see what he says. That may just be the closure you need to get over this.

    I say don’t do a letter because men can’t handle pages of words and emotions. So just get it in the table and see where his head is at. To sit around and waste emotion energy on this is useless. Only he can tell you where his head is at.

    I will say that if he only saw you as fwb before, I’m not sure why you think he would upgrade your status now? In most cases it never works that way.

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