Whether to give him more time or not?


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Amz 2 months ago.

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  • #653597 Reply

    loveleen

    I have been seeing a guy for two months now casually. He had joined the dating app to meet girls and have conversations and basically become friends. I was cool with it but I specifically told him that I don’t date casually so this will be strictly friendship. He said he has no intention to hookup etc. We made many plans to meet but couldn’t manage to as he was not a top priority for me. I was busy dating people who actually wanted something serious so I kept rescheduling him. And I also did not really like his personality through texts. He seemed very laid back and carefree. I assumed that was because he was good looking. However, one fine he became very insistent and made sure that a date was decided. He tried or a few days. So I finally agreed to meet him for sometime. We talked for sometime and I could see that he was good person and was not at all arrogant as I had thought he would be. He flirted a lot with me, was blushing as well. So I could see that he liked me, I mean with friends you don’t flirt so much. Then we started meeting a lot.

    I was still considering it a friendship only. However he always talked like he wanted more. Then one night he asked me for goodnight kiss. After that he kissed me. So this clearly isn’t friendship, right?

    Nowadays he has started calling me as well. I told him that a friend of mine asked me to become his girlfriend but I said no to him because of him living 3 hours away from me. So that becomes long distance. He said you did not tell him that you are seeing someone? I said are we? Then he started joking about it. But then he said again, “I just remembered that we have kissed as well, still you did not tell that guy that you are seeing someone?” I explained to him that till I am not in a relationship, I am single. He said yeah right and started joking again. But before hanging up he said that it has been two months now you should figure out if you are serious about all this.

    We met again and then later he was again being funny. I played along with him and said that whenever I think about getting serious you end up saying or doing something that makes me change my mind.

    Later when he called he explained that when he joined the app and we started meeting he did not know what we were doing. Initially he thought I was very arrogant, snooty and self obsessed. But as he got to know me he realized that I am actually a very sweet person. He said that he cannot get overly romantic so soon, it might take some time. He had once asked me about my exes, so I told him that there was one who was very good at planning dates and I really liked him because meeting him always brought a lot of excitement to life. So on the call, he started explaining that he also knows how to impress a girl, the only point is that he is very busy with studies and he had a different perception about me and that’s why he didn’t do much. If had been working then he would have done everything. After that he said that he can’t really plan things and invite me and surprise me. I was shocked at this change of events. I told him then he shouldn’t expect me to like him as well. And then I didn’t talk much. He then started saying that please don’t get second thoughts about us, I will put more effort, why are you so quiet. So I again started talking to him but I am so confused with his talks. Don’t know what to do.

    #653598 Reply

    loveleen

    I mean first he gets insecure about other guys wanting to be my bfs but then says he can’t be romantic and then he again says that he will put more effort. Is he stupid or just confused or playing with me?

    #653601 Reply

    Phillygirl

    “is he just stupid or just confused or playing with me?”

    I would ask him straight up what he wants. Then tell him if he wants a real relationship with you to step up to the plate and prove it.

    Until then, I would not stop seeing other guys, nor would I take him serious AT ALL.

    If he doesn’t step up, forget him, move on and be done with him.

    #653604 Reply

    Wow

    I don’t deal with men who talk in circles. When a man can’t straight up answer a question or tell you his intentions he is a total waste of time. He clearly doesn’t want you as a gf but finds it a challenge to keep other men away from you so he can get an ego boost. He isn’t stupid. He is playing games. I agree with Philly. Be upfront about this or he will just string you along indefinitely.

    #653608 Reply

    french_reader

    loveleen, if you want to continue playing these games, be sure that at some point, he will sleep with you (see you already let him kiss you … and you liked it so..).
    Then you will know his true motives. Without giving you a clear answer, he is progressing little by little.

    Big girls know how to play the game. You need to be smart.

    #653611 Reply

    alia

    This guy is indeed running in circles. He is not interested in dating you. Stop entertaining him and only react, when he is giving you what you want. And ignore him, when he is wasting your time.

    #653613 Reply

    Amanda

    What is so hard in saying, “I need to know if you want to date me. If so you need to plan dates and take me out. Fine if not, but I can’t be spending that much time with you because I have to devote my time other things.” You need to mean what you say. Guys like him are only impressed by action.

    #653620 Reply

    Hannah

    He’s playing with you. He only wanted casual from the start so why you got involved is beyond me. You said no so he’s been chasing you ever since. Of course he didn’t just want to be friends. He’s been trying to break down your boundaries so you get attached and accept something casual from him. It’s like grooming. It’s worked hasn’t it? You said you’d be strictly friends but you let him kiss you?

    Maybe he has got attached now the more he’s got to know you. But I doubt it.

    Ask him straight up if he wants something serious with you or not. If he says no, walk away and stop playing his silly games.

    #653647 Reply

    Emma

    Yep, as awkward as it might feel, do ask him directly if he wants to date you, and if yes, then he needs to court you properly. If not, then you date others, and with him no kissing, no “seeing” each other.

    #653651 Reply

    Pandora

    I am really glad I never tried online dating, it seems full of bullsh**t on both sides

    I only know your side of behaviour from your own words, like:

    – “Then one night he asked me for goodnight kiss. After that he kissed me. So this clearly isn’t friendship, right? ” – if you feel only friendship, what does it matter if he kissed you? why is this whole thing up to him?? why you let him to kiss you? If you decided he is just a friend, where is a confusion?

    – “I told him that a friend of mine asked me to become his girlfriend” – why would you tell him things like this?

    – “But as he got to know me he realized that I am actually a very sweet person” – sweet is another word for not attracted enough

    – “He had once asked me about my exes, so I told him that there was one who was very good at planning dates and I really liked him because meeting him always brought a lot of excitement to life. ” – why do you need to talk about your exes? just because he asked you?

    etc

    I think you let yourself be easily manipulated and in reverse you try to manipulate him as well…. maybe you two are a good combo after all πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    you dont tell enough info about your time with him, what you spend together, all you two do is talking heavy (and quite boring) stuff…. always about other man, always about exes, planning, impressing – (if this is not true, then be aware, because your post sounds like this is your main focus)

    I cant see anything substantial in your relationship, and not only from his side, I am sorry to say

    just my opinion

    PS. I think all this shallowness on BOTH SIDES makes online dating so difficult

    #653687 Reply

    loveleen

    Thank you for all the responses.

    Pandora, I will answer you first.

    1. Of course it’s not up to him and of course it’s not just friendship what I feel. Otherwise I wouldn’t be posting here. The point that I was trying to make is that he wanted friendship but started flirting and doing things differently. In turn I also liked him. He was the one who said that we are seeing each other. I did not.

    2.I told him about my friend asking me to be his gf because I wanted to hear what his response would be to this and if he would step up after hearing that he could lose me to someone else.

    3. By that sweet compliment he meant that his initial thoughts about me were wrong and I am a good, likable person. I think he is attracted to me because he compliments a lot and also cares about me. He talks about me to his friends so much so that all friends want to meet me and he is going to take me to meet them this weekend. He wanted me to meet his friends even before this but I only denied because of a busy schedule. He also keeps saying that he wants to meet my friends. He always insists on dropping me here and there especially if it’s late at night. He has mentioned many times that meeting me is fun, he says if he meets and talks to me so often he might fall in love with me. He has said many times that he wants to take things slow with me because he is very scared to get hurt after his last relationship and he doesn’t want to get hurt again. He says he wants to get to know me very well before the commitment so that later on we don’t break up because of stupid reasons that can be fixed or ascertained in the very beginning. He also says things like he finds me very smart, there is a lot that he thinks he can learn from me, he liked my will power and also the fact that I am so committed towards my family and studies. He finds me very pretty as well.

    4. What is so wrong about talking about exes? I am completely over them. If he asks me then I can tell him. I mean it’s not like I am so hurt by the experience that I can’t talk about it.

    I did not mention any of the good things because I wanted an answer to this particular question that I posted in the beginning. When I have a problem with him in not putting adequate effort then that is what I am going to write about, right?

    We laugh a lot when we are together and talk about all kinds of things. Heavy and soft everything. But since he doesn’t try to take me out on real dates I feel he may not really be very much into me. That’s why I wanted to know what to make of his words. He said he will put in more effort. But I don’t know if it’s okay to give him more time. I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t confuse me and is all in. I think I will end things with him the next time he asks to see me. I will tell him straight away that this is becoming too much work for me and is messing with my peace of mind. If I am meeting someone then it should be fun, for me now it has stopped being enjoyable and therefore I want to end it. I hope I am doing the right? Or should I believe his words and give him like 3 more dates to see if the dating scene improves? If it doesn’t I just leave unscathed.

    #653689 Reply

    JessicaC

    This is like a really bad rom-com . Maybe I’m too old but I really do not understand this. You don’t care as much about him and haven’t been afraid to show it; and you tease him bragging about your wonderful exes – why they are exes if they are so wonderful is beyond my comprehension- but still you expect him to want a serious thing with you. He pursues you and entices you right up to the moment when you kinda accept him, then he backs up and throw you the dunno-what-i-want speech. It sounds to me like a huge waste of time on both sides and I honestly think neither of you is really invested or focused in whatever is happening between you two… Don’t you kids have better things to do?

    #653793 Reply

    loveleen

    Jessica, I don’t know. I just wish he makes his mind up soon about me. I don’t understand why guys have to do so much in order to get s*x. I mean there are one or two girls who hit on him quite a lot and want to have sex with him NSA. Now please don’t start again as to why we talk about such things or other women or guys. We both tell each other everything that happens in our life so that we trust each other. If he wants to have s*x then why not just go ahead with those girls? Why try so much of bs with me?

    #653800 Reply

    Pandora

    Loveleen, is there any evidence, there are this girls who hitting on him? Or he just told you this?

    maybe he is just making it up, to show off how in demand he is πŸ™‚

    I would give him a bit more time, without sex

    dont text too much, rather see each other in person

    #653801 Reply

    Newbie

    Loveleen,
    I think you totally missed the point Pandora was making about you playing games too. And guys can smell that.
    First of all, you suggested friendship and he went along with it. Not the other way around. Its natural ti a guy to push boundaries and thats what he has been doing.
    2 you talk about the ex because you like the guy to plan more
    3 you talk about the guy who wants to make you his gf to create competition so he chases harder (which you said yourself too). Problem with that is that guys in general can sense that
    4 you are creating the illusion of hard to get but are fallen already despite your earlier intentions to date guys who DO want a relationship.

    Girls are not very good at this type of game playing. So what to do? Half of the posters say ask him if he wants to date you and the other half says he is a player and move on
    But instead you want him to make up your mind about you. And give it 3 more dates. Where is your power girl? You started off so good but now you lost the game.

    #653802 Reply

    Phillygirl

    You are waaaaay overthinking, and that thinking has you incorrectly believing this means something. Words mean NOTHING, unless actions and word match. When they don’t-look only at the behavior.

    All guys like a challenge. It’s what gets their motor racing. It’s basic biology because men are wired to hunt and chase.

    It isn’t until they “catch” you that they stop to think if they REALLY want to be with you.

    He isn’t interested in the girls throwing themselves at him because they are low hanging fruit, i.e. “easy”. He wants a challenge.

    The problem is when it’s ONLY about the guy “winning” because if he isn’t really investing in who you are as a person (and falling for you) he will bail as quickly as he arrived.

    His behavior tells me this is a waste of your time. That’s exactly how I’d proceed.

    You are both immature. You told him someone else was interested to get a rise out of him. Game playing never works. If you have to do that, you have your answer..NOT SERIOUS.

    Guys are territorial. Just like a toddler with a toy. They put a toy down and have no interest in it, until another baby wants it. Then…all of a sudden THEY want to play with it. As soon as the other kids gives up, they could care less about the toy again, and they drop it.

    That’s what this is.

    #653816 Reply

    Amz

    Phillygirl is 100% right, as usual!

    You want to believe this guy has genuine feelings for you so badly that you’re not seeing what dangerous territory you’ve gotten yourself into!

    It’s obvious you’ve fallen for him already but has he REALLY fallen for you? His excuses say, probably not. Give a it a little more time to be sure if you like but whatever you do. NO SEX!!!

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