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- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 2 years, 7 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Di
Hi,
I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now, we are exclusive, see each other 2-3 times a week depends how busy we are and recently went away for a weekend together, which was really nice.
I asked him after 2 months where his head is at and he said he wants to have a relationship but he needs more time as he apparently has not thought about it yet, since that conversation he started spending more time with me, never cancelled on me, always pays on dates, sent me flowers when I was ill, all seems good tbh.
However I am coming to that 3-4 months mark and I don’t know if things are going to progress or not.
I am starting to pick up certain things about him from his stories, he also talk a lot behind his friends back like some weird things they did, I also feel like maybe he talks behind my back to his friends. It made me think when he said he used to be the rude one in his group of friends, he never was rude to me though but then again I don’t know which of his masks is him really.
So I am giving myself more time to get to know him so not rushing anything. I also realised that all of his friends are quite rich and he is trying to impress them so every time they want to either go to a festival or something he can’t say no , like he was worried they are going to stop asking him out. I am starting to think he might be a little bit insecure because all he does on his insta is showing his car and his watches , like portraying himself that he too has money. I also feel like he is making himself busy just to show me he has a life, because I am not a needy person and I am ok with sitting on my own doing nothing but he isn’t.the more I think about it the more yellow flags I see and I am not sure what to do about it really, because generally speaking he is treating me well I can’t complain but at the same time I think he might be a bit too immature for me maybe? I am 31 and he is 29, 30 soon.
T from NY
Take a breath! There is nothing that needs to be decided this hot minute. First off, as a woman, your job is to sit back and see how a man treats you. This man is dating you – even if you haven’t put an official label on it – he’s doing all the right things in courting you at this stage.
Now for the next step. A woman’s job is also to observe a mans character. To see if you can respect him, be inspired by him, feel loved and appreciated by him. It sounds to me you are possibly not liking certain aspects of his personality and / or character. You don’t have to jump to a final judgement now! Get curious about any thought or emotion you have.
I know myself well enough that I probably wouldn’t want to date a guy who complains about his friends, but then tries to impress them at the same time. I also would be really turned off if they were flashy. Are you looking for a long term relationship partner or just to be in a relationship?
It would benefit you to stop thinking about him so much and think about how YOU feel. Don’t be afraid to cut a guy loose if he has weak personality traits you can’t live with. Or learn to overlook a mans insecurities if they aren’t that serious. Also if he doesn’t call you his girlfriend within another 4-6 weeks – that would turn me off too. Get calm. Keep observing. Know your worth. Then make a decision.
Di
I don’t really know what I am looking for tbh, I don’t want to have kids in the future, so my clock is ticking or anything like that. I am happy to date and see where it goes but at the same time I don’t want to be wasting my time.
The more I get to know him the more things I am seeing that I don’t necessarily like but that is why we take time in dating to get to know someone.
Liz Lemon
T from NY is spot on. You don’t have to decide right this minute. But it’s really important to be with someone you can respect, and feel is a good person. It sounds like this guy is doing all the right things and treating you well, but it’s just as important that you feel good about *who he is as a person*.
The 3-4 month mark of dating is really important because that’s generally the time that thing get serious, if they’re going to get serious. You should also be in the honeymoon period at the 3 month mark, and it sounds like you’re not there. It’s telling that you are starting to have doubts about his character during a time when you should theoretically be head over heels for the guy– “The more I get to know him the more things I am seeing that I don’t necessarily like” — I would definitely pay attention to that feeling.
Di
the reason why I am not there is because I remind myself everyday about that 3-4 months mark where things could end, I know this is a very negative way of thinking but I know it won’t hurt that much when things end. I have always been very reserved when it comes to my feelings.
We haven’t had any arguments, he is arranging all the dates etc. He started to open up and telling me things that apparently his mates don’t even know and the more he talks the more it makes me think . But in a way I think it is good that I am not blindly in ‘love’ and putting him on pedestal?
Liz Lemon
Negative thinking has a way of being self-fulfilling, unfortunately…it’s good to be realistic when dating, but there’s a difference between being realistic and closing yourself off. You have to be careful not to cross that line.
And there’s also a difference between being blind to someone’s faults and putting them on a pedestal, and feeling respect and esteem for the person you’re dating. It’s great that you don’t have him on a pedestal, but if you find yourself not liking who he is, that’s definitely not a good thing. No one is perfect– there are things about my bf that sometimes annoy me (and I’m sure there are things about me that annoy him!), but I have always respected and really liked him as a person. My respect for him and enjoyment of his personality far override any of his quirks.
Only you can decide what’s right for you, of course! But it’s good you’re thinking about it.
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