Where is this going?

Hey Tina, glad to have you here with us in the forum.

I have to question the mindset and approach here.

You meet the guy, have sex with him a few times (even though it wasn’t “part of the plan”), he cancels a date.

And you’re asking, “Is something wrong? Is this normal? Does he like me? Is this going to lead to a good place?”

We need to zoom out here and look at the big picture because you’re missing something major.

Hmmm… I’m thinking how to phrase this…

How do YOU know if the relationship is on the right track?

How do YOU know if this relationship is leading somewhere good?

I’m reading your question and it’s almost like you’re asking, “Did I make him like me enough to pick me as a girlfriend and want to be with me?”

Dating and getting into a good relationship is not about making a guy “like you enough” or “desire you enough” or making him “chase you” or any of that.

Success is downstream from your mindset and perspective on all this.

Think of it like this:

What if when it came to dating and relationships, you have a different set of questions to evaluate what was going on.

Forget all that “is this normal?” and “does he like me?” and “is he investing/into me?” crap.

Imagine if the questions you were asking inside were:

“Do I really know this man? What motivates him? What frustrates him? What inspires him? What he considers a big “win” for himself (or a big “defeat” for that matter)?”

“Am I part of his *life* (part of his journey towards his deepest & most meaningful goals, pursuits, desires) or am I an accessory outside of it right now?”

“Does he look to his relationship with me for ’emotional partnership’ and support in the journey towards what’s most meaningful to him?”

“Do I even know what’s most meaningful to him, including the things he will never say out loud?”

In the very beginning, of course the answer to all of these is NO.

It’s no because you don’t know him yet!

Yeah maybe you “know” he gets you excited enough to sleep with him.

Maybe you “know” he’s fun to banter with or the time together is fun companionship or the sex is good.

But really you don’t have to “know” a person for any of that. That’s just surface level stuff and guys attach no importance or value to any of that.

Why not? Because sex is a commodity. Between porn and prostitutes, sex in itself is easily replaceable, speaking from a practical level.

On top of that, when a guy creates a persona that shows up well on the first few dates, that’s a well-crafted performance.

It’s not to say it’s not authentic, but it’s only a slice of expression from him. And apparently it was impressive enough for you to sleep together a few times, so the utility of that persona is self-evident.

So after he drives home, you know what he has to deal with?

The rest of his life.

See, in the beginning, if you’re a person who just predictably has the favorable responses to his persona, that too does nothing to build a connection.

Because from his point of view, he’s just doing what works for the first dates to go well. Well enough to have some fun moments and sleep together.

But it doesn’t touch his heart, it doesn’t inspire him, it doesn’t change his world.

Those questions I asked above get at what creates an emotional connection with a man.

He has to live his life and a man’s life is full of striving to achieve something deeply meaningful.

If you’re outside of that, you’re outside of his heart.

In the context of what you asked, that’s great news!

Why?

Because it lets you off the hook in a lot of ways.

The relationship wasn’t about “does he like me enough?” or “is he pulling away?”

The real questions are really about, “Do I actually know him as a man? Do I know what’s deeply meaningful to him? Do I understand what drives him?”

And then, “And am I able to connect with him and talk to him at THAT level?”

If the answer is no, then you don’t have to feel bad!

Why?

Because that’s the only thing that actually DOES reach a man’s heart.

Until you’re connecting with him on that level, forget everything else. Totally irrelevant, doesn’t reach his heart, forgettable, replaceable, he doesn’t care.

I don’t mean “he doesn’t care” in a mean or callous way. I mean it has no impact! It doesn’t touch his heart.

So, succinctly, the punchline:

If you don’t KNOW what’s deeply meaningful to him, you can’t talk to him in a way that connects with his heart.

If you can’t talk to him in a way that connects with his heart, you aren’t building an emotional connection with him, then yes he will lose interest, pull away and leave.

And it won’t be because you “weren’t good enough”, it will be because you didn’t connect with him because you didn’t know that’s really what it’s all about.

That’s the mindset and approach you need to have from here.

Either you can understand what’s deeply meaningful to him or you can’t.
Either you can speak to him on that level or you can’t.

And if you can’t… OK, that’s fine! He’s just not the one for you.

But if you can, then the sky is the limit for your relationship future.

K?

Hope that helps Tina.

Why do you think there’s a problem here?

What is it that you want to be seeing here? And why do you think you aren’t seeing it?

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Eric Charles.

OK, well speaking to you as someone who has seen literally 1 billion views pass through these articles over the past 13 years…

I can tell you that this pattern is exactly what happens in these situations. This is not unique, this is as common a pattern as can be.

There are excellent relationships that started with the couple sleeping together early on. So that’s not a dealbreaker.

BUT it does press the “fast forward” button past the initial stages of dating.

It puts you at a disadvantage if you’re not skilled at the later stages of the relationship, after you’ve slept together a few times.

Now that he’s slept with you, the question is, “Is there anything else you have to offer?”

The novelty of the sex wears off rather quickly (especially in today’s world).

So are you a woman that can offer the “something more” that makes a man want a long term relationship?

Do you know what that “something more” is? Do you know how to create that “something more” with a man?

If you don’t then that’s why this is happening… this is what happens, as sure as clockwork, if the thing that makes him see relationship potential isn’t there.

Do you know what it is?

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by Eric Charles.