Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › When He Pulls Away and Comes Back Again….
- This topic has 30 replies and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by
Gemini.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Katie
Hey y’all. Question about my guy (and guys in general I guess).
Periodically he will pull away for a few days (usually soon after a super intimate/intense/romantic time together), meaning no contact when he usually initiates several times a day.
Then he’ll show up again as if nothing has happened, totally sweet and ready to jump back in again.
This doesn’t actually bother me (well it used to because I would take it super personally but then I learned it was pretty normal!) because I totally get needing some space and it seems like a pretty healthy thing to do (especially for guys, but it’s actually nice for me too.)
My question is…..WHEN he resurfaces after a few days and reaches out …. should I just respond normally as if nothing had happened (which is what I usually do)…..OR should I be “mirroring” him and wait a little while (a few days myself?) before responding (and then be like I would otherwise, cheerful and as if nothing has happened)?
I DON’T want to punish him or make it seem like I’m angry for him taking space – cause I’m not, and I actually appreciate it sometimes! – BUT I don’t know if it sets up a bad precedent for me to respond normally after he’s gone silent for a few days?? I want to be happy, secure, UNBOTHERED by his periodic need for space and convey this too him by just treating it as totally normal …. BUT should I be waiting a few days myself to respond just to not seem TOO available? We are deep enough in the relationship that it’s pretty obvious neither one of us is going anywhere but I still want to keep the dance of attraction going strong and in the proper balance :-)
thanks!!!!
Lane
Hi Katie,
I would not play games. Its NATURAL for a man to pull back and its GOOD that you have learned not to let it freak you out, but you shouldn’t pull back unless you need or want to for your own personal reasons.
I was the one who would often pull back and it would freak the guy out. It had nothing to do with them, but when a relationship becomes too consuming I needed some time to “re-balance” my life so I wasn’t neglecting other important areas. If your’re doing it for this type of reason then you should, but not because you think you should mirror him. Hope this helps :-)
Katie
Lane, thank you so much!!! This really helps :-)
I rarely pull back because I feel like he DOES take it a lot more personally than I do….but maybe I should be more confident about doing so when I need to?
I’m always happy to hear from him when we’ve been apart….sometimes he will apologize for being out of touch and I just say no worries, or if he doesn’t mention it I just pick up right where we left off …. I guess I just want to convey that it’s totally ok to have these breaks without seeming SO available that it seems like I’m needily waiting for him to come back or something…..but I definitely don’t want to turn it into a thing where it’s like “you weren’t talking to me so now I’m not talking to you” cause that just seems silly and childish….plus when he DOES come back from his little breaks he’s always super especially sweet…..
Anyway thank you so much!!! I really appreciate this as it’s something I’ve been mulling over for a while trying to figure out!!
Lane
Great.
Yes, you should feel confident to do so when you need it. I would just tell them it isn’t you,…I just need some me-time; to spend time with friends/family; deal with an issue/problem at work, etc. I actually can RELATE to a man’s need to pull-back because I too have this overwhelming need or desire to do it from time-to-time. I think its healthy to do it so the relationship can have some oxygen (space) to miss each other :-)
Anna
Thanks Lane!!! :-)
I agree about space being a good thing …. I have actually come to appreciate it more and more, even though so far I have really let him set the pace. I WANT to appreciate him when he is there but I also love having time on my own….your phrasing about this is very helpful, thank you!!
Anna
haha I mean Katie, I was just reading Anna’s post oops
Katie
god i am really slow at this computer thing!
Sherri
Its good to read that it is normal for girls to pull back too. I find that after spending quite a bit of time with new guy. We spent the whole July 1st together. I tended to pull back. I hardly ever initiate any texts/dates etc. May be once every 10 or more. But I was worried if it was normal or if I had commitment issues. I tend to want to pull back to re-analyse stuff about what, why, how etc. etc. And he sends me texts to find out if I am ok and stuff. So reading the above responses, I am guessing this is normal for me and nothing to be worried about right?
Harley
STOP worrying Sherri.. slow is good. Taking time is good. All in the early stages…. plenty of time yet to quicken things up.
Sherri
I guess I am freaking out bec he is showing me so much attention and its not just sexual …. he is actually interested in me, my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my kids and I am kinda interested in him and very very attracted to him. And also bec I realised that I am no longer interested in current FWB …. I guess no longer current now. Sigh if he goes any slower I think I am just going to JUMP him!!!!!! He is 260 lbs (way more heavier and stronger than me) I guess that won’t work either :(
Harley
It will work.. if you nudge him in the balls !
No seriously… contain yourself.. LET him lead ! Jusdt give him encouragement when he does.
celesteannv
Ha Ha Sherri,
Great for you! Maybe that is his plan after all :)Sherri
I need some help in putting together some furniture at my place and so I have invited him over on Tuesday evening with the invitation extended to him spending the night. Btw we have slept in the same bed just cuddling and it not going anywhere and he has told me that I am the only girl he has ever done this with (apparently bec I am worth the wait). Lets see if on Tuesday he continues to be a STUPID BLOODY GENTLEMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
celesteannv
Ha ha… my guy was a gentleman for quite a while too and then one day BAM! I am sure he is waiting for YOU to be sure you are ready but just as Harley said, green light that guy and I am sure he will be thrilled!
Sherri
I’ve introduced sex talk in our talks. Is that a good enough go ahead?? I’m too shy to actually jump a guy. Any suggestions ladies ;)
Laura
Hi
I have come to realize that this is a special trait of certain guys. Not all guys but some guys, the signs are usually in the beginning, the periods maybe short sometimes longer.
I have made the same mistakes many women do, chase, get angry, trying to get him to engage in conversations, all making me quiet frustrated and resentful.
The best thing to do when it starts to happen, is to let it happen. More often than not it happens when you least expect it, perhaps after a very intimate moment you shared.
I have been involved with a guy off and on for about a year. We recently got close & before you know it he started to pull away. Texted way less, when I would contact him he was grumpy and moody.
There is great calm in just doing nothing. Acknowledging yourself and say over & over, “I did nothing wrong”. It is not you, it is who he is, this is the type of guy he is, he will not change.
Learn to accept that and let go
Stefanie
It’s called the Man Cave. They go in when something’s bothering them (usually nothing to do with you) and they come out. Go about your business and be normal when he comes out.
Ella Hurst
Hello am in love this guy we been for six month we text are talk then notice that he start pull alway ff
rredcurleysue
Hi all,
I think it is normal to pull away for both men and women since each should have a life beyond the relationship. Even if you are married you want friends and shopping time, etc. The guys want male companionship time. I think it refreshes both sexes.
My sister and her husband are retired and are together 24-7 and although they are best friends 24-7 gets to anyone. They take breaks from each other once in a while so they have something else to talk about besides the same old same old.
No one should make the other feel guilty about “me” time unless it is excessive.
shiny
so when they come back after a few months with a casual message, then is it wise to let them come back or have to move on? you cant trust that they stay forever.
Julia
Hi, my bf never pulls back for days but after moments of intimacy or long dates he might slightly pull back a bit and his frequency of contact would peak right b4 our next break.
He is like this because I made it very clear to him that he acts different after a nice date. So he now becomes very careful about dropping a text or call. But do u think I made him do like this because he thinks i want it not because he wants it?
jenni smith
can someone recommend any type of script to use when a guy “reappears” after 5-6 days from his man cave? this guy apologized for being MIA (he was sick and didn’t feel like talking to anyone) so do I acknowledge that and say no worries? this was on email. just reply to the email and say good to hear from you? i swear i saw a good 1-2 liner the other day and would love to see something specific.
Andrea
I want to say that man cave is different from blowing hot and cold. If a man constantly disappears for a few days and then comes back, that’s a sign that he is not that into you, and this behavior should never be tolerated. If you really appreciate such behavior because you need that too, you wouldn’t be worried this become a pattern. Will you be worried something you like become a pattern, say he calls and text you everyday?
talllady
This is what you say – IF he has been consistent until now: Welcome back to the world of the living, cutie! So happy you are feeling better! Thank for the apology, that is so sweet :-). It would feel so good next time if you just checked in with a little text to tell me what was up so I knew what was going on. Looking forward to reconnecting!
No drama, no muss, no fuss. It assumes he likes you, and wants to do what you need as well. It also gives him one chance to fix it. If it happens again, just assume he is not that into you and end it.
Confused
Hi, dating for 4 months and he was very attentive for 3 months.
A few weeks after being intimate he has pulled away. We don’t talk
daily like we did, now it is more like 1-3x per week, with me initiating
most of the time. Does he just need space or is he not interested anymore? -
AuthorPosts
