When does pulling away work?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals When does pulling away work?

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  • #366668 Reply
    Jessica

    I have a complicated situation…that’s really just become a FWB situation. A long time friend pursued me actively about a year ago. While resistant as I knew he was a player in our past, I gave into his advances to get closer and now 6 months later I have found myself in a trap. He knows the right things to say and do…when he wants to see me! I want more, and I THOUGHT he did too. He is a guy who’s definitely shown jealousy signs and will always come knocking when he doesn’t hear from me for a while.
    My question is… can this guy ACTUALLY come around and “realize what he’s losing” if I pull away? Any recommendations for how I redeem my “value” as someone he can’t lose? Help!

    #366671 Reply
    Harley

    highly unlikely at this stage I imagine…. there’s always the million to one chance though.

    however.. i think you SHOULD be pulling away because YOU want more, not HOPING to get him back.

    IF you DO pull away.. you have to stick to it… no contact.. UNTIL… he comes a calling changing his attitude. THEN.. you don’t go back to FWB.. you DATE ! you put him on probation till he/you are exclusive, he calls you GF.

    Otherwise you are going round in circles.6 months later.. i think it too late.. he is complacent. perhaps.. if you had done it after the 1st time, you would have stood a better chance.

    #366674 Reply
    Jessica

    So there is no hope here he will actually step up at the risk of losing me?

    #366675 Reply
    Raven

    Hi Jessica, what is the other alternative?

    #366678 Reply
    Gemini615

    Just “pulling away” will only get him to invest enough effort to get you back to the comfortable FWB arrangement he had with you. He will notice you’ve pulled away so you may TEMPORARILY notice him putting in more effort to talk to/see you, but once you’ve gotten back into your normal routine with him, he’ll stop putting in as much effort.

    This is because he is happy with the way things are and doesn’t seem motivated to take it further than that. So yes, while you pulling away may have the temporary desired effect you are looking for, it’s not going to make him want to actually be in a relationship with you anymore than he does now.

    Instead, a better approach would be to end things altogether, and this is for your sake, not his. If you are wanting a relationship and he is only wanting FWB, you two are on different pages and this won’t work. The only chance you stand of him getting his act together and POSSIBLY (although not likely) wanting to be with you, is if you end this arrangement, go no contact, and work on moving on completely. He will go from having you in his life to suddenly not having you at all, and it will force him to think about things. Either he will miss you enough to want you back and commit to you, or it might make him realize that he doesn’t miss you enough or at all and he will let you go forever.

    Please understand though that you shouldn’t be using either one of those tactics to manipulate him into a relationship. Ending the FWB arrangement and going NC is NOT to be used in hopes that he’ll step up; you should only be doing it because you realize you deserve and want better and he’s not giving that to you. IF he comes back wanting to be with you (again, not likely but could be possible) then it is an added bonus, but that’s not the purpose of moving on.

    Have you even discussed your feelings with him about wanting to move things forward towards a relationship? Has he said he does not want to be in a relationship, or given any other hints or indications?

    #366679 Reply
    LAgirl

    Not likely. Men will put you into one of three categories very quickly: friend, FWB or potential GF/wife.

    Once he puts you into a category it rarely changes.

    Why do you jump when he comes calling? The first thing to do is gain some self respect and self control and STOP being so available. Date other men. And live your own happy life. Men are not attracted to women who jump over sweet words. They are attracted to confident and happy women who can be happy with or without that man in her life.

    It sounds like he wooed you with alot of BS and now you are intoxicated by the attention, so he has you always wanting more.. but on his terms.

    #366682 Reply
    Diane

    How often do you change yourself permanently for a guy?

    #366691 Reply
    Raven

    Never!

    I’m the Full Meal Deal :)

    #366692 Reply
    Jessica

    Great feedback, thank you. There is obviously more depth to this as we’ve known each other for a while but I didn’t want to write a book. He’s pursued me in the past and I’ve never given in until now. And yes…. I fell for it. Or so it feels. I haven’t brought up anything about wanting more as this has back fired in the past. Trying more action based, cool easy going girl this time. But I’m afraid it’s landed me here. I rarely reach out to him…and when enough time passes he reaches out to me and puts on the charm. He’s seen me having fun and with other guys and reacted. He’s definitely shown jealousy which got me thinking maybe there was more to his feelings. I can’t stay but I’m not ready to let go either. I just wish he could see what’s in front of his face. And I know so often, we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.

    #366694 Reply
    Sherri

    Raven, love ur answer :D

    Happy meal ;)

    #366695 Reply
    LAgirl

    Being the ‘cool girl’ isn’t going to change his mind. Him acting jealous is meaningless sweetie.

    Ever see a dog with a bone? He is by himself and puts the bone off to the side because he isn’t interested in it? Then another dog comes along and looks at the bone. What happens? that first dog goes balistic and starts growling and snaps up the bone.

    Moral of the story? Men are like this. They may not really want you, but it will bother him if another man does want you. It’s simply ego – because the man who truly wants you won’t just act jealous… he will claim you as his and make the committment.

    The problem is that men (and women) learn pretty quickly if it takes little effort to keep a person around. This is your problem. He has to do very little to keep you interested.

    If you really want to figure it out and you have known him all this time, why don’t you just ask what he is looking for? Is he wanting a relationship that is committed?

    #366698 Reply
    buttercup

    I had a fwb situation 2 years ago. He pursued me for 18 months. I always backed away because I thought him a player. But then over the 18 months I’d never actually seen him out with a woman. I knew he pulled women, but he never had a girlfriend.

    18 months later I gave in. For 3 months we slept together. It was good and I really enjoyed his company.

    He said he enjoyed being with me so much that he wasn’t pursuing anyone else. He had no interest while he enjoyed what we were doing. BUT, he was very insistent on that he wouldn’t have a relationship with me. He said himself as much as he liked me, he knew if a title was put on ‘us’ he would back away.

    He hadn’t had a proper relationship for years.

    Few weeks later he ended it. I really wasn’t bothered anyway. I was just enjoying the moment but knew it couldn’t continue.

    Couple months later he got into a relationship. 2 years on he’s still with her, and living with her now.

    If he wanted a relationship with you he’d do it. If I were you you I wouldn’t expect anymore from him.

    Back away. If you’re the one he wants he wont let you go.

    #366720 Reply
    Jessica

    So from what everyone is saying, is it too late for him to see me as someone of “value”? Or was that never there to begin with?

    #366725 Reply
    Lidiya

    Jessica-

    Who cares if he sees you as someone of “value” or not. What matters is if YOU see yourself as someone of value. NEVER EVER let anyone define your sense of value- especially not a guy who doesn’t treat you as so.

    Hate to say it but if he doesn’t value you now he won’t ever. Yes, it is too late in his eyes. For men, women are like cars. Some women are showroom cars, and others are out on the lot. The eye us from outside of the showroom, and want to take us for test drives before purchase. Although the men would have fun driving like hell during the test drive, they would NOT want to buy that same car that they just drove and everyone else gets to test drive. No, they want the one on the showroom floor that looks and feels just like the one they drove but has no miles on it. *lol* If he already put miles on you girl, he doesn’t want to purchase you. Plain and simple. But if you don’t mind letting him take you for joy rides then keep on keeping on and don’t expect any more than that.

    #366729 Reply
    Jessica

    I guess the picture is pretty clear then.

    #366737 Reply
    Ali

    Unfortunately this sometime happens. Well quite a lot on this forum actually. The guy pursues the girl pretty heavily, they take that as him being interested, they give in, sleep together and then aren’t sure where they stand.

    These guys suck. I don’t get it either. My guess is that they just like the chase and once they get it, don’t want to commit. Because why should they? They are already getting what they want.

    I’d say consider this a learning lesson. Next time, go on some dates first, wait till you’re exclusive and you know he wants a relationship. Or even wait till you’re in a relationship! The guy that’s really into you won’t have any problems wjth calling you his gf.

    #366739 Reply
    Gigi rose

    Jessica,
    I disagree with some of this advice. Everyone is different and that means every guy too.

    If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t play the cool girl or anything like that. I would honestly tell him I had feelings for him and wanted more if he didn’t , cool but I couldn’t offer him more than friendship. Then wish him the best and really move on with your life. No contact or friendship, if he comes around be nice but don’t jump at his attention .. He should be jumping hoops for yours.
    Easy way for you as you will know and can move on with your life.

    #366760 Reply
    Sassperilla

    Jessica, I think Buttercup has it spot on here: “If you’re the one he wants he wont let you go.”

    I think you should break it off, and mean it. Assume it is over and move on with your life and keep dating. If he really wants you he will make it happen. Or he will just fade out. And then either way you will know for sure instead of wasting any more of your precious time in limbo.

    This comes from someone who’s in a similar situation!

    Good luck x

    #366772 Reply
    Flower

    I think the obstacle in her case is that she s thinking if hé spent so much time and energy on pursuing, then it must mean something, otherwise hé would have just moved on to another one, right?! Well, this teaches us, that there is nothing until there is everything.
    Also, a red flag for me that im taken from the Shelf like a toy is that hé would rarelly contact her in ‘normal’ times. Frankly, why would you wanna sit around only to be all excited whenever hé decides to get in touch. And also, it is crucial to see the situation for what is, ie not fool yourself with what if’s. You are amazing and you deserve someone’s time and if hé failed to see that, his loss.

    #366773 Reply
    Flower

    Oh and the only time the pulling off works is when its meant.

    #366805 Reply
    Jessica

    I think it’s time to face and make some tough decisions. But why do so many articles talk about pulling away from the guy to get him to snap back? Showing him what he’s losing or lost? WHEN does that actually apply?

    #366821 Reply
    Ivy

    Jessica,

    It’s simple you are a FWB with him, you want more, you haven’t demanded more, so he isn’t giving you more.

    So what to do is: Tell him that you can’t do the casual anymore and walk away. But hold that boundary.

    If there is any chance for this being more then he will come back to you but if he comes back you have to make sure he is coming back for more with you, and not just to continue a FWB. Cause he will come back for the FWB, and you can’t assume that when he comes back it’s for more.

    The problem is that you have been accepting crumbs from him, which relfects on his perception of your self-esteem, he has no incentive to give you more and he probably doesn’t think you will demand it or walk away, afterall, you havn’t so far, in fact he demoted you and you accepted that.

    You must walk away for you, because he isn’t meeting your needs. There is no way to guarantee to win a man over, he has to be won on his own terms. But you can win back your self-esteem, which you own yourself.

    So walk away, if he comes back, you ask him what he is coming back for. Don’t get your hopes up, don’t wait, when you walk away, it has to be over in your head, or he will know and he will use it to get you to break your boundary once again.

    A harsh saying “You teach people how to treat you”

    I hate hearing it, but it is true, so please walk away for you.

    #366840 Reply
    Jessica

    Ivy, thank you!!!! That was a bit refreshing to hear. The hard part will be walking away. My head wants to, the heart is struggling. So when you say it has to be for real that’s tough.
    When you mentioned his perception of my self esteem that’s where I was referring to my value. Men want to win and keep something of value. So I wonder and fear if it’s too late for him to see me as something of value. Or if my actions have already diminished that.
    Not going to lie.. I want him to come back for more. For him to realize he lost something of value and hopefully feel more for me. I know I can’t expect it though. I just wonder, if in walking away (and holding my ground on what I want and deserve), does that make me the strong confident valued woman that men don’t let go of?

    #366845 Reply
    LAgirl

    You cannot make a man want you. This is what I believe you are missing.

    This man may never have had any intentions of getting serious with you. It’s not you… if he just doesn’t feel it. So you hoping and wishing he see’s you as the wonderful person is not really the issue.

    Haven’t you ever had a man interested in you, that you just do not feel would be BF material? The same thing happens to men. You may be the greatest person ever, but you may not be ‘the one.’ Everyone has what they are looking for in a partner.

    This is why it is best to pick the man who truly wants a committed relationship with you and not fall into a FWB and hope the man will change his mind.

    #366857 Reply
    Porky

    Jessica, you asked “when does pulling away actually apply”

    It applies to those who are in committed relationship with their BF/GF who have started taking their partner for granted.

    Example, my boyfriend of 2 years started taking me for granted about 15 months into the relationship. To make a long story short, I pulled away by moving out of his apartment. He snapped back into it and realized how he was acting and now he’s back to the man I fell inlove with.

    However, your situation is different so when you pull away, do it because YOU want to, because YOU want a guy who will cherish you. Don’t do it in hopes of getting this guy to suddenly see the light. It wont work in your favor.

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