Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › What to do when ex contacts you during No Contact
- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 7 years ago by
Phillygirl.
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Sarah
So I have tried to the No Contact rule before with my ex and immediately he freaked out and said he would do anything to work things out. Well nothing changed. And I am tired so I decided it’s best for me to do it again and stick to it. It has been a week and he has tried to text/call a few times since then. The texts were irrelevant so I ignored them.
Well the other day he asked me to please answer and so I thought he had something meaningful to say so I answered and was friendly and upbeat I said I was in the middle of something and asked him what was up and he said never mind. So I let him go. A few hours later he texted he needed help with something.
So either a. he is using me to help him like i have in the past or b. he is using that he needs help as an excuse to get access to me. I didn’t respond and he texted me again why I can’t be bothered to answer. So now I don’t know what to do. Do I keep ignoring him. Do I write back? HELP! Thank you :)
L
Do you want to break up or just keep playing games with him?
Phillygirl
NC means NO CONTACT. He’s trying to manipulate you. Ignore.
If you can’t, block and delete.
Sarah
I don’t want to play games with him. I either want to use NC to get things to change or to move on.
Nat
Do not ignore him just yet. Text to him that you asked for no contact and he needs to respect it. if he continues to contact you after that, then you can ignore him.
Sarah
Thanks PhillyGirl. That’s what I thought. I was just concerned that it would affect any potential relationship in the future if I wasn’t there for him when he truly needed help. I just don’t want to be used or feel like he has access to me whenever though either.
Khadija
I suggest not answering next time and go through with the no contact.
Allow time for both of you to reflect and think about whether or not this relationship is worth saving.been there done that
Men grief differently than women. Women would cry their head off and get stable, Men after sometime would realize holy crap I did something big and go crazy. They aren’t sure themselves why they are doing this (Contacting you).
He is confused himself, he is used to having you in his life and now that you aren’t around he is going crazy. You’ve given him one chance before and there was no change why give him another chance? No Contact for at least a month or so. Why because he needs to get out of his freaking mode and you need to re asses if you want a relationship with him or not. Let him know that you need space and that him messaging you all the time you are getting more annoyed.
MariaTheOriginal
i think you are confused as to what you want too. Secretly it sounds like you are trying to get him to wake up about something and try the relationship again. If that is the case, sorry, I think NC is a form of manipulation on your part too. Just based on what you are saying. I think NC is perfectly fine and not manipulative if a person either needs space to heal, or space to think about what they truly want
Have you been crystal clear to him about what you want?
You are asking if not being there for him in a crisis could affect a potential future relationship. Obviously you want to get back together if things change — or you wouldn’t be asking that.What is it you want him to change? Have you communicated that?
Hey, BF, listen, things are working out for me because of X, Y Z problem. I think we need to end this relationship. If, in the future, you feel that things could substantially change x, Y, Z problem, feel free to reach out to me and let me know but for now I feel it is best that we go our separate ways and are not in regular communication.
If you have not done that, you have not been clear yourself, and maybe you just don’t know what you want either. That’s my hunch– that you are as deeply confused as him and probably sending mixed message.s
Get clear on what you want. allow him to do the same.
MariaTheOriginal
The other instance where NC is not manipulative: you just don’t freaking want anything to do with the person anymore
But using it as tool to teach someone a lesson, or whatever… eh… it’s not a good idea, because you are invested in achieving some sort of result– which is definition of manipulation.
Shannon
I think ignoring someone without explanation is awful. So I would just tell him straight up, “I don’t want to have any more contact with you for a while because I feel that we both need to heal from our relationship. So I won’t be replying to your texts or taking your phone calls anymore. Good luck with everything.”
Phillygirl
I will continue to pound this drum: No contact is not a game or ploy to get someone back. If you are using it for that, I can guarantee it will generally backfire.
No contact is to clear your head, disentangle yourself from the emotional and physical ties to someone, and gain perspective to heal….AND MOVE ON.
No one can make large scale, monumental, changes in a few months. In fact, that kind of change takes a real self-awareness, true desire to change your thinking, mindset, and behavior, and even then-it’s very difficult. It can take much more than a year.
If someone shows you who they are, believe it. To me, going back to something that didn’t work (twice now) is like choosing to eat your own vomit! Why?? There are so many better options, I promise.
Go no contact to move on from him, not get him back. I am promising you right here, right now, that if you give him a third chance nothing will change (oh, for a few days, or maybe even weeks he’ll be on “good behavior”) but who he really is will reappear shortly after.
This guys is a waste of time. Move it along.
Sarah
Yes I told him that I needed space, I would never just up and ignore anyone. You’re right I am not really sure what I want that is why I needed space. He knows exactly what I needed to make the relationship work. I won’t get into the messy details. I do love him so of course I would want a relationship with him if it is a healthy one. Thanks for all the advice.
Phillygirl
A hard truth…love is not enough. It takes two, he’s shown you more than once it ain’t gonna work. Heal and let him go.
Holding onto him is keeping you from meeting the right (better) guy.
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