What is all this? Can't read him


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  • #377527 Reply
    Samantha

    Hi there,

    I m a 29yrs old single women. About 2 weeks ago on a Friday morning, I was already running bit late for work and on top of that dressed very casual (no office attitre and make up as usual).
    So I was waiting for the subway and a man came over talking to me. i noticed him before and it looked like he was making up his mind very long rather he shd talk to me or not.

    Men are trying to to talk to me quite often and I am usually unresponsive but this man was just really friendly and cute. And since I was completly casual and looking quite tired, I thought that he might have a genuine interest to know me and not just like other guys to hook up with me for my looks.

    So, we spontaneously went for breakfast which ended up being a few hours
    We figured out:
    – both working in financial industry
    – both interested in art, music, etc (overall same common interests)
    – both spontaneous and humerous
    – great chemistry and even astrological signs a ,best match,
    – he apparently moved to a place that week were I will move to in a few months so we will be neighbours

    However, he makes much much more money than I, which kinda worried me w bit as I do not want to depend on a man / feel like I the man has more ,power,.

    After breakfast we both quickly went to our offices and he later on came back to pick me up for lunch at one of the most beautyful hotel restaurants in the city. It was such a beautyful view there and he showed me the hotels artpieces. We had lunch and talked for hours…

    He then later dropped me close to were I live (i told him he ds not to take me all way).

    He later txt to say that he had a wonderful time and that I seem to be a great and beautyful person, both on the in and outside.

    We txt sat and sun then. On sun he said that he wd like seeing my beautyful face or at least a pic.
    I was very tired so kinda ,ignored, his hidden request to meet and just sent a pic.
    Hmm

    However, on Monday we met after work for a drink. I was very very stressd (issues at work) but still we had a good time.
    However, after the date he did not txt me…
    Just the next day.
    He sent me as well a photo of his favourite painting.
    I told him that I like it and that I really like the fact, that he is into art. That I guess that means that he wdnt be bored as well going to a museum with me?
    He then replied, yes thats true. That there is a nice van gogh museum in Amsterdam. If id like, we cd go there together in December. As well we cd go to any other museum in iur country.

    I just replied that it sounds nice but did not directly answer.

    However, then on once he did not txt for like a day but then said sorry the next day that he was busy.
    On saturday morning he was asking if i wd like to mee for a coffee later…
    He said he has to shop etc so we cd meet in the city.
    I went there and cd choose the laundry basket for his new appartment.
    After that he bought me a pair of earrings.
    Then we went to a beautyful bar and what shall I say – good time as usual…

    He also told me, that he likes me idea / suggestion of taking (the physical) things a bit slow. That i was right, that its more romantic.
    He re-confirmed again if i m fine escorting him to Amsterdam.

    Okay, so later that night he had to go to a meeting so he dropped me.
    Rest of the weekend we did not txt much and he wrote ,,speak soon,, at the end of a message…hmm?
    Then monday he did not txt all so I txt him – ,,hope you had a good and positive week start. Good night,,

    He did reply on Tuesday only saying stgh like ,thanks alot. Very busy. Have an important dinner tomorrow. Was working for it. See you soon,,

    I did not reply on that until he sent me another message on Thursday morning.
    He was asking me how i m doing. That the last two days were very busy. If my project at work is going well? That his cousin is coming and they thinking of going for a drink on Friday and if id like to join.

    I replied on his questions and as well asked him a few in return. As well i said, that Id like to join.

    I then did NOT hear from him despite he was online al the time…
    On Friday around 5.30pm I sent him a txt saying –
    Hi there. If its still going to happen tonight, would be great to know an approx time / place,,.
    He replied immediately, asking were I am and if i finished work. He said he is with his cousin at …(place i know and close to me) and that I can come to say hi.

    I was replying, that I was really looking forward to meet him and his cousin and appreciate he suggested that. However, that I do only want to come if its based on mutual interest. That sometimes I feel like I only bother him.

    He then replied stgh weird… Stgh like..
    You right. Then reconfirmed with quite some messages that he and also his cousin wd really like to see me. That i can quickly say hi (later theyve to go away). And that for the moment he announced me as a friend?

    I then replied stgh like –
    Ok. Interesting… I then meet up with a gf for dinner later. Really I do not want to bother / let me know if its too stressful for you and I wont drop on my way but go directly to the city.
    He then was like… No. Plse come here. See you.

    Okay…. So I went….
    He welcomed me with a kiss on my forehead. He then kissed me as well. Put his arm around me / held my hand.
    He even highlited some things about me to his friend. He told me that his cousin is his best friend indeed. And I mist say, his cousin was really a cool guy too.
    So we had a drink and stayed for like 1.5hrs…
    Meanwhile he asked again if I m down for Amsterdam and he was also coming up with further suggestions gor activities in December.

    End of next week he has to fly to Asia until mid next week for a business trip. He informed me about that previously.
    When we said goodbye, he told me that we ll meet prior he flies to Asia.

    Since then did not hear from him….

    What do you think about all this??

    I really really like him. But its unusual to me that a guy is not txt me every day…
    As well I did not fully like the situation on Friday as I think he was supposed to re-confirm time etc?

    Thanks for your help
    samantha

    #377731 Reply
    Jenna

    Hi Samantha, this guy seems interested in you, his actions speaks so, and he’s doing his best to make time for you, making a lot of plans to be with you, despite his very busy schedule. Take it for what it is and just let him pursue you. Also, it is normal and perfectly OK not to text daily. For men, daily communication (especially by text/call) is not important as it is to women. Women use this to bond and connect, while men use this when the need arises (i.e. making schedules, asking locations, work concerns, etc). This man is busy and you see each other often; I see no reason why you should be worried. As long as he’s doing things for you that show he’s interested, be receptive and happy for what you’re getting. If you would like to hear more from him, then you can inspire him to do that. Say something like, “It’s always great to hear from you. Thank you for the text/call. You made me smile). This tells him that his little actions are making a difference, and your appreciation of this effort will inspire to keep on doing it. Appreciation goes a long way in any relationship.

    As for the date on Friday that he didn’t confirm with you, some guys are just like this, they assume that it is still on once the day has been set. In this case, he mentioned Friday, you said yes, and he assumed it’s a go. The fault on his part is failing to inform you of the exact time and place. He might have simply forgotten, it happens. To avoid this in the future, you can ask him for the details (time and place) the very moment he asks if you’d like to join. Say, “Sounds like fun! I’d love to join and meet your cousin. Let me know what time and where, and I’d be happy to stop by.” If he still forgets to tell you the details, don’t take it personally and just carry on with your own day. If he calls you last minute and say, “Hey, I thought you are coming to join us. Where are you?” Respond with something light like, “Oh, I didn’t hear from you when I asked about the details so I thought it wasn’t on anymore. I would’ve love to come but I already made plans. Have a fun night!” This will show him that planning and confirming details are very important to you, and he will keep that in mind next time. He will also appreciate that you didn’t get upset and just made your own plans :) Hope this helps and goodluck!

    #377943 Reply
    Samantha

    Dear Jenna

    Your words sound very feasable and as well I ll try to put your advice into action.
    I hope that it’s true, that he is interested.
    It’s now the 3rd day and did not hear from him at all yet :///

    I know Ive to be patient its just really an unusual situation for me.
    I would love to text him but don’t want to appear needy.

    #378106 Reply
    Samantha

    Hmm
    I just re-raed our conversations as well…
    We never texted that much and it was never like extrem smooth talking. Just how I like it, polite and sweet, well behaved.
    I noticed that he has withdrawn a bit though cause after our 2nd date he still wrote me a sweet msg the next morning… That he wishes me a great day. … Etc .,. Hugs.

    I noticed, that I then shortly after that started covering him with very long unnecessary texts :(((
    It was not about feelings, more bout work / live….

    Is there a way I can turn things around still? I really really do like him and I really really do hope that he will still send me a txt….
    Its weird cause the longest he did not txt previously was 2-3 days….
    Today is the 4th day…

    After our date on Friday when we met his cousin he looked so happy though and he made lots of suggestions for future activities….
    And as well as already mentionend he said that we will meet prior to his asia trip on 28th nov…
    After the date when I sent him a smiley I did really hear nothing though.
    I did not thank him for the drink but I was very nervous:/ he makes me so nervous…
    I m a confident person but If I really like someone I loose it all

    Shall I just wait some time longer and see what happens?
    Or shall I txt him?

    #378125 Reply
    Jenna

    Hi, Samantha. His flight to Asia is on the 28th right? If this guy is interested, you’ll know the answer if he follows through with his plan of meeting you before he leaves. If you don’t hear from him, then you have your answer. I do think that 4 days of no communication is OK, don’t worry too much. Just carry on with your day and keep yourself happy and busy :) When he comes back, remember to be receptive, happy and confident. Don’t text him, let him be the one to initiate contact. He’ll reach out to you provided he’s a man of words :) Hope this helps. I think you are handling this well already. Don’t forget to smile and thank him next time he does something for you. Men like being appreciated. And your smiley text to him doesn’t require a response, so it’s OK.

    #378331 Reply
    Samantha

    Update :))
    ….

    He just texted me today around lunch, asking me, how I m doing and that he sends me greetings.
    I replied that I m good, what about himself and also wrote, that I missed him.

    He then replied that he misses me too!
    That he has to go on that one week Asia trip on Friday and has a business dinner on Thursday so we could meet today or tomorrow for drinks? If I am free

    I then suggested today.
    He re-confirmed…

    However, in evening he sent me a txt and asked if we cd meet tomorrow instead as he still caught up with work and only finishing around 9pm.

    I was not very happy abou that but just replied stgh like-
    ,,no worries. I might leave office bit earlier tomorrow and meet a gf for coffee. She leave around 6pm. Your welcome to join us or meet me later,,

    I expected tht he would react negative or say he won’t be ready so early…
    But his reaction was very positive. He was like –
    Oh thanks alot! i appreciate this.
    Will try to join you both.
    And appologized again for not being able to make it today.

    What do you think of this?

    Is it possible that he himself is unsure how much / what for I like him and therefore happy surprised of me basically asking to introduce him to one of my girlfriends?
    Do I not show him enough interest?

    Or do you think that he might just be frontin?

    It often happens to me tht I cant keep appointments on short notice due to work but still i did not find it so cool today…
    Same time as mentioned i am a bit surprised of his positive reaction to meet a gf of mine. That looks more like real interest?

    Hmmm

    I just really so dont want to mess it up this time Cause I do really really like him.

    #378345 Reply
    Samantha

    :((((
    Since he told me that he had to reconfigure a systen I just replied ,,
    Hope the reconf. Worked out :))) hugs,,

    He did only reply –
    ,,tx,,

    I mean… Isnt that a bit mean? :((( I opened myself up and placed a ,hug, at the end of the message and he replies ,tx,?
    :(((

    #378351 Reply
    LAgirl

    You need to chill out and stop texting him.

    It is so not cool to tell him that you ‘miss him’ after having had only two dates with him and you are acting way too anxious to talk and see him.

    You need to let him lead. He already knows you are interested because you have gone out with him. The man has to chase you and not the other way around. Right now you are pursuing him with your text chatter, saying you miss him, reaching out and asking question when you are going to SEE him tomorrow.

    Stop trying to read into things. And stop being nervous about messing up. That makes it worse. You should be watching to see if he is truly the right man for you, not assuming he already is after only a few dates.

    Pull back. He already knows you like him. Let him lead. Let him initiate contact, don’t be so readily available. Men like a challenge. It really does bore them if you give in too easy and/or start pursuing them.

    See how tomorrow goes and then you are going to have to really chill because he is going away for a week. That is going to be the time to really keep yourself relaxed and not get carried away with the texting and missing.

    #378352 Reply
    LAgirl

    And dont be sending hugs, kisses or any of those things… let him be the one to do it first. Sweetie, you are going to chase him away if you give the impression you are way more into him than the other way around…..

    stop it!

    #378355 Reply
    Samantha

    Yea I think you right…
    After his tx he sent another txt to me, saying thar now finally it worked with the reconfiguration. That the java uploads were the reason.

    I just replied – good to hear! You must be tired

    He then replied ,,thank you. Yes. Will sleep shortly,,

    I won’t reply on that one….
    And let it flow as you say…

    The only thing – i did never actually make real plans to hang out with a gf tomorrow and leave office early. I just said that to check his reaction / see, if he wd like being introduced to my friendcircle (someone who just wants one thing usually would not want that).
    So I hope if I just come up with an excuse tomorrow and saying my gf had to leave early or cd not come he won’t be disappointed? / feel like I dont keep my word?

    #378361 Reply
    LAgirl

    Oh Samantha….. stop with the games sweetie.

    You are pressing now for reassurance from him and trust me, you keep doing that and you will push him away.

    I doubt he frankly cares if you GF showed or not. You are reading way too much into things. This man only had a few dates with him, I seriously doubt that top of mind for him is that you ‘want to introduce him to a friend.’ Men don’t think that way. Only women do. That is something you would want him to do… it isn’t about what he wants.

    You really want to chill…. because right now you are reading into every word he says, every little action/non action etc. Even the fact you felt disappointed he didn’t reciprocate you ‘hug.’

    Stop and focus on your own life … and let things unfold the way they are going to. men can smell desperation a mile away and you are showing signs of it from my outside view looking in.

    #378363 Reply
    LAgirl

    And also, it’s not true that a man won’t want to be introduced to your friends if he only wants casual or FWB. Read around on here. How many women you see who have false sense of secuurity because HE introduced HER to his family/friends.

    That is not the true measure of interest. Interest equals the amount of time he makes spending time with you. That his actions match him words. So stop ‘testing’ him based on things that YOU believe mean something, because to a man, they don’t feel or act the same way that we do.

    #378377 Reply
    Samantha

    Sounds like Ive to learn alot still despite I am 29 already….

    Now re-thinking it and consider all answers here it really seems like I ve way to many pink glasses on already.
    Its true, he and I just had a few dates and are getting to know each other.

    Re introducing –
    I know there are many men too that introduce their ,date, to family members and friends despite not being serious or fully committed (and not being honest about it).
    However, still I believe that men that are really and only looking for a ,fast number, won’t do this. I rather think they vanish if they don’t get what they want after 2-3 dates or latest fee weeks. Anything else I would already call ,affair,.

    In general it just seems incredible different (nowadays) to know rather you can fully trust someone or not since there are just too many dishonest ppl out there.

    if I meet a guy and figure out I m not interested I tell him asap instead of leading him on, letting him buying me gifts and false hope…so I guess I had the same expectation from men for too long.

    #378379 Reply
    Doris

    Jenna and LAgirl have given some great advice! It’s on par with what Eric and Sabrina have written in their columns. Samantha, you should go back and read Eric’s article on guys and texting. You’re over-analyzing and he will sense your anxiety. Be that cool, go-with-the-flow, fun and interesting girl you were on the very first date that attracted him to you. You make your own happiness…not dependent on how he responds to you.

    #378380 Reply
    LAgirl

    Most men do not intentionally lead a woman on. There are some creeps out there who lie and DO lead you on. I was with one for 1.5 years. Moved me in, said he wanted to marry and I find out he was a serial cheater with ‘girlfriends’ all over the country. All who thought she was ‘the one.’ So yes, I have epxerienced first hand how that happens.

    BUT, in the majority of situations a man will be very clear what he is looking for or not wanting. Read the articles on here about this. It’s important to pay attention to words like:

    ‘ want to go slow’
    ‘ afraid to get hurt’
    ‘not ready for a relationsihp’
    ‘not sure what I want’
    ‘I dont want to hurt you’
    ‘i’m a bad boyfriend’
    ‘i’m trying to figure out my life’

    All of those phrases and anything similar, is man code for ‘not looking for a relatinship with YOU.’

    Unfortunately, if you read around these threads, too many woman IGNORE this and translate what he says into ‘he’s not ready, but I can make him see what a perfect GF I would be.’

    It doesn’t work that way. Men know very quickly if they are into you and for what reason. He will categorize you very quickly into 1. friend, 2. FWB or GF/wife material. Once categorized it rarely changes.

    So pay attention to what he says and how he acts. Its a good idea to find out very early on what he is looking for out of dating. Don’t ask what he thinks about YOU, but just in general. See what he says. Let him know you are dating and open to a relationhsip with the right person. See what he says. A man will either tell you outright that he is open for a relationship with the right woman, or he will give you one of the excuses listed above.

    #378388 Reply
    Samantha

    Hi LAgirl

    I am sorry to hear about your experience. How did you find out about it / what did he say when you found out if I might ask?

    This man I m seeing now told me from the very beginning that he is a relationship guy.
    I was the one kinda pushed back on him and told him to take things slow and first be friends. I did that out of anxiety I think cause I really find it hard to trust.
    He was then a bit disappointed but said that thats fine. So we ll be friends with potential for more / boyfriend, girlfriend.

    Prior to meeting his cousin he just gave me some sort of a heads up saying that he announced me as a friend for the moment… That is fine but it was then not in line with his behaviour…. As mentioned above he kissed my forehead when I came. Then he was hugging me, kissing me… Was telling his cousin / best friend about me… Were / how we met… And he was also talking about future plans with me.
    When we were leaving and I was walking infront if him / them for a moment, he sneaked up and hugged me from behind and kissed me.
    They were both escorting me to my train and waited with me. When it arrived and we had to part he was kissing his hand and waving me (you know what I mean?)

    That is all so sweet but what is the main confusing issue for me at the moment is that he is really so sweet when we are together but then taking his time with texting and kinda being formal with texts too :/
    Guys usually overfload me with texts …. However, I met guys too that txt always and are smooth talking always whilst doing the same with 2-3 other women.

    #378393 Reply
    Jenna

    Samantha sweetie, please relax and don’t read into things. You are getting way too anxious and emotionally invested already and you have just met him! Hold your emotions, excitement, i like yous, hugs, texting, worrying if he responds/cares (read more of Eric and Sabrina’s articles on “neediness” and you’ll understand) until you know the man is consistent and is the one you are looking for. Keep doing this and you’ll push this man away. Remember your role as the prize he is trying to win. Step back, relax, drop all your worries and let this man lead. Let this relationship develop organically.

    I suggest you read more articles on this blog to understand more about men, texting and dating.

    #378395 Reply
    Lane

    Samantha.

    Stop looking at texting/calling as bonding. Men do not bond this way, they bond when in your presence. Men are by nature “action orientated” and bond when DOING IT, not talking about it. When they call or text its to ‘do something’ or ‘get something done’ and although they may ask about your day or other stuff, their true objective is to SCHEDULE, PLAN or FOLLOW THROUGH on something you discussed or talked about.

    Men LOVE mystery and intrigue. Too much text/calling in-between seeing each other KILLS IT and before you know it he will not longer see a reason to spend time with you if you prefer to do it over the phone. So stop looking at your phone as a way to bond or connect, look at is a BARRIER to doing so.

    RELAX, cool the jets, and act like an observer by listening to his words and then WATCHING to see if his ACTIONS mesh up with them on a consistent basis. If they do GREAT, it means he’s honest, trusting, reliable, a man of good character, and a man of his word :-)

    Agree with LAgirl on not being so expressive until HE initiates it and respond in kind…follow his pace :-)

    #378398 Reply
    Lane

    As a side note: Men are singularly focused which is why they can be quite absentminded at times. Like when he forgot about Friday with his cousin, he was most likely tying up last minute details so could clear his plate and focus on his cousin and it completely slipped his mind that he invited you days ago. I always nail down the time and place right then because I know men too well, lol

    #378409 Reply
    Samantha

    Thanks so much for all your valuable advise.

    I ll definately try to slow down the texting from my side and relax.

    Guess when you like someone its sometimes hard to control emotions. Alot of my friends have an issue with the texting as well… They say tht they always and always do the same mistake – being to emotional with / when writing txt messages and reading to much into small things.
    Maybe a good idea to take at least 1-2 if not 5 hrs prior to replying to a txt and always keeping it to a minimum and light and positive just as advised as well in articles here.

    Yes, though men might not take texting so serious, there are alot of men out there that txt alot…

    However, yes its not a guarantee ever.

    Myself I was just prior ,dating, a guy for 6 months.
    He was txting morning till evening (despite his challenging banker job) and saw me 2-3 times a week.
    However, i did not have sex with him as I found it weird that I cd never go to his home.
    I then later found out that he is married with kids and he lied about just everything… Even his name.
    I wonder how he cd manage all that txting and seeing me plus his family.
    And how he cd always lie in my face and telling me that I m paranoid .

    Some men (and women) are just unbelievable…
    They have no shame. And its sad because they usually break alot in normal ppl.

    Do you have any advice for my ,date, tomorrow?
    Any specific questions or so?

    #378414 Reply
    Jenna

    I’m sorry to hear that you had a horrible dating experience with a pretentious man. It happens, but I’m sure you learned something, and that is most important. However don’t let the disappoint and negative experience stop you from receiving love from a new man. Move forward and leave the past behind.

    As for your date tomorrow, just be calm, confident and happy. Be YOURSELF and have fun! Smile and thank him after the date. And I would suggest staying away from intimacy too soon. Let him work for that. Good luck :)

    #378711 Reply
    Samantha

    Hi there
    I m really sad / shocked.
    He sent me a txt just prior to around the time we approx. Wanted to meet saying stgh like –
    ,,stuck here. Cant leave my desk. Lots of trading to do. Have to work late. Probably till 11pm,,

    I did not reply (up till now).

    I dont understand this :((((

    Wd you reply stgh or just drop it /
    Block his number?

    #378713 Reply
    Harley

    I’d give him ONE chance and ONE only ! The fact that he has not offered an alternative plan has me not impressed. He could be a crash and burn type of guy… all hot and heavy at first,….. then fades.

    If you reply… wait until the morning. Sleep and think on it. Just reply ” oh well ” or something. Some of the other posters shall think of a better reply than mine !

    #378716 Reply
    Samantha

    Hi Harley
    He has a business dinner tomorrow (we don’t celebrate thanksgiving here – no bank holiday) and friday he flies to hong kong till 4th dec (he told me that quite a while ago and more than one time).

    But what I dont get is that why he cant propose lunch then instead or stgh :(
    Its just all weird.

    His feelings really seemed so real. You can see that all in someones smile and eyes. I dont think he faked it so really wonder what went wrong :/

    #378719 Reply
    Harley

    I’m sure he does mean it all.. perhaps NOT enough to follow it through. He LOVES it for tonight, not tomorrow type of guy. Guys change their minds ” just like THAT “…….. and WE have no idea why.

    I met an old friend near 5 mths ago…….. he looked at me and i could see the attraction/chemistry in his eyes. He chases me all night. I fell for him hook, line and sinker.As I was only in his country for the weekend, I slept with him…….. he was not interested after. I went back a few weeks ago.. he did not wish to see me. I texted him so I could get closure. I got it., yet he still said he might see me ” sometime”… what a crock of shit. He will be in my country in 4 months……… no doubt I will hear from him for booty call !

    Guys will say ANYTHING in the moment. Read A LOT of threads here.. it’s a common problem.

    IF………. this guy REALLY wants you.. he will be in touch. MONITOR ACTIONS………. not words !

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