What do I do


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  • #845460 Reply
    Elizabeth

    I posted a couple days ago about my situation with my best friend “Are My Expectations Too High” and now I have another question after getting so many amazing responses.
    We seem to argue a lot and I lash out a lot over the communication thing. Every time I apologize because I am usually out of line and he’s always like, it’s ok, I’m still here. I feel like a bad friend, but I think I am lashing out because I am hurt that he doesn’t feel the same. I feel like our cycle is ongoing with this stuff and I don’t know if my friendship is worth it anymore and should I just go no contact? It seems like I am apologizing for being a neurotic ass more than we chat about work, life, etc… I don’t want to hurt him, but sometimes I feel as if I am hurting more being friends than if I was able to move on, if that makes sense? I pick everything apart, overanalyze, overthink, etc. and I feel like I cant stop that and Im not sure if just cutting out the contact will help? I will feel bad if I just ignore his calls, should I just stop the initiating communication and when he does call, just be vague, indifferent? I don’t know what to do, short of seeing a therapist!

    #845469 Reply
    Gaia

    You need to focus on you. Stop worrying about this guy. Take a lot of space for yourself and see what this is doing to you. He doesn’t want you in the same capacity you want him. As long as you have feelings and he doesn’t attempting to have a friendship will continue to feel like this for you. You need to get enough space to move on from those feelings, work on yourself and find someone who wants to be with you on your terms.

    No contact will be hard at first but it gets easier as time goes on.

    #845471 Reply
    Lane

    You answered your own question.

    You can’t make someone feel something they don’t feel. If you are unable to fully respect and accept them for what they feel or believe, then the best thing to do, for you, is to disengage and surround yourself with the people who make you feel good or happy. Only you have control over your overall happiness and well being, not him, nor any of us but you alone.

    Adulthood is about making tough decisions such as this. I’ve made them many times over the course of my life, including with family members who I loved dearly but for they were not adding value to my life but making me miserable and unhappy, so I disconnected or distanced myself from them completely. Overtime we were able to slowly return to a better place but they had to respect my boundaries, if not, then I intentionally stayed away because its not worth all the negativity, angst, arguments or walking on eggshells—life’s too short for that crap.

    #845494 Reply
    T from NY

    As advised on the other thread and you stated above. This is a you problem and almost nothing to do with this friend or your unrequited feelings for him. It’s about you not being committed to loving you the most, living a fully authentic life which includes a commitment to living in reality and protecting your peace at all costs.

    Of course loving yourself that much and living that way takes time, and does not happen overnight. But taking concrete steps to live that way does. Set up an appt with a therapist. Meditate for 5 min before reaching out to him. Get a book and notebook about mindfulness. Go exercise. Be accountable and enlist a friend to be the person you call or text instead of him.

    I know you’re hurting. And I’m not trying to be unkind. But women create a lot of their own emotional turmoil by smoking the hopium pipe and living in a fantasy land. The reason you are lashing out or acting neurotic is because you are warring with your own self. Breathe in reality. Let it settle there. Be brave to love yourself and you will act accordingly.

    #845509 Reply
    Tallspicy

    You need to go to a therapist. I think that would be helpful.

    #845521 Reply
    Maddie

    I think you should both tell him you need some distance to sort yourself out. To not take it personally but you’ll be out of touch for a while and you’re not sure how long at this moment. And, as you suggested, you should also start seeing a therapist.

    You’ll discover that not wanting to let go of someone who feels differently about you than you do for them while staying in a situation that makes you more and more resentful is tied to other stuff that’s happened or is happening in your life. It’ll be much easier and faster for you to sort that out if you’ve got a professional helping (though not every therapist is created equal so you may need to do a bit of trial and error to pick the right one).

    You’re asking the right questions!

    #845537 Reply
    Yani

    Oh girl! I feel your pain, I’m in the same boat here. After we tried FWB I came to realize I have feelings, unfortunately he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and it’s just not the right man for me, he is emotionally unavailable. So I walked away and ask for processing time before we could go back to our normal friendship. Well, is like if I just opened the texting faucet. I have been stressing about this for a few days but I know every day I will feel a little better. I always go back to Eric’s mantra: make yourself scarce (do not engage), focus on yourself (self love, your goals, your life), and rack up the options (start talking to other guys, change your focus, go on tinder, etc). Like Madonna said: “don’t go for second best baby” you deserve someone who wants you and can give you the love and attention you deserve “and if the time isn’t right, move on, you’ll be better on your own”

    #845560 Reply
    Newbie

    Yes you are selling yourself short and you start to see that now. I hate that, i really do. Its one thing to have a crush that is not answered but to actively participate in a dynamic where he made it 100% there will be no relationship and you do that at the cost if yourself, is so telling. If you dont take care of yourself and your heart, then who will?
    So Yes go see a therapist. Not because youre some sort of basketcase, since im sure you are not but because you are making decions that hurt you.
    I and other said this on the other post: he is not even worth it. He is most likely a selfish man who wants to keep you around but dont want to commit while he knows you have a crush on him. Dont you see how selfish that is? You shouldnt take that as a sign he deepdown cant live without you and is smitten with you. No, its because he likes the status quo

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