Volatile relationships.


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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Peggy 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #603165 Reply

    JBee

    Alright, let me ask you for advice. I need it. I’m finding myself unloading on unsuspecting friends while I swing by to drop off my dog for pet-sitting, etc. and I really, truly, honestly just need a safe & non-judgemental space to vent all of this. Maybe letting it loose will help me.

    Warning: This is personal, affects only me, and will not help you in any way become a smarter, richer or cooler person. Proceed at your own risk of boredom.

    So, I’m in a relationship with a man. Our Coupledom is not without issues. He has a bit of a temper, but is not physically violent. He simply lashes out dramatically over what I would state are very minor things. (Some inanimate object breaking on him, for example, he will lash out and destroy it beyond repair. Or if I do something that might minorly annoy anyone else, like asking him to repeat a question because I don’t understand it, he might end up having a go at me.)

    I won’t go into very detailed examples, but it has gotten to the point where I wanted to leave. Major roadblocks are lack of income, unfortunately, but I’m working on that.

    We ended up having a very big mature and important talk about everything, including the possibility of ending things, yesterday.

    I told him my concerns, including finding a blog by his most recent ex that stated some pretty damning conclusions about him, including his controlling nature and temper…going so far as to call him a sociopath / con man.

    That being said, I have known him for years (before they were together, which was for one year), and I have noticed a marked difference in how he is on those things over the past few years. As in, he is taking steps to improve himself. He agrees he has a problem and after our big talk is willing to go to more therapy regarding his anger and reactions, which he says are learned from childhood / family.

    Unrelated to that talk, we had a big traumatic issue today and I thought we were over — I let my dog out on her own because I was late to an interview. Like, if I didn’t run out at that moment, I would have been more than two minutes late, which is what I ended up being.. But dogs aren’t allowed here and someone decided to call it in — Bad timing, my fault.

    Anyway, after his emotional outbursts of losing his dog, he calmed down and said this is not about me, “it’s about society / disregard of animals and the capitalistic hurdles they place on people in America to keep them from taking care of their pets properly” …I mean, he was really supportive and empathetic to me, despite knowing he would lose his dog, and took steps to help me figure out why I was late to my interview (I overslept and might still have a tooth infection, why don’t I get more antibiotics, etc)

    OK, so all this is weighing on me.
    He is not perfect. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect.

    Sometimes I worry that being here is changing my perspective little by little on what I would accept…but then again, isn’t that what a relationship is?

    #603168 Reply

    Crisula

    his moods are unpredictable and it is slowly chipping away at your self esteem.

    If he is serious about getting counseling and sticking to it…great

    If not…I’m afraid the healthiest and safest move for you to make is to leave.

    Start planning on finding a place to stay NOW, just in case he doesn’t follow through with therapy

    #603173 Reply

    Joe

    “He lashes out dramatically..some inanimate object breaking on him, he will lash out and destroy it beyond repair” “willing to go to MORE therapy regarding his anger and reactions” Apparently he had therapy in the past and it didn’t help. His ex also posted about his controlling nature and temper and called him a sociopath/con man. She did this as a warning to other women who might fall for his lies.

    It sounds like you live with him because you referred to the dog as yours and then as his. Whether you live with him or not, you need to get as far away from this guy as possible! You might become a victim someday of his out of control behaviors and he might lash out and destroy YOU beyond repair! You are playing with fire. Please get away from him, and the sooner, the better.

    #603175 Reply

    redcurleysue

    I think Joe gave you thoughtful and the best advice here. You seem to be stuck with him due partially to finances…that is never a good reason to stay with any man.

    Move in with family or friends until you get on your feet.

    #603181 Reply

    Crisula

    @Joe
    you’re absolutely right
    however, when a lot of women are in abusive situations..they have heard that multiple times before by others.

    She can’t see the seriousness of the situation, because she’s IN it. She sees the good side of him also. Abused women will try everything in their power to fix the situation first, then hopefully, before she gets seriously hurt, it will sink in…

    So that is why I advised her to see if he follows through…I could tell she was making excuses for him..

    If she left now…chances are..she would go right back to him…and the abuse would then escalate.

    Women in domestic violence shelters often go right back to the man they escaped from…

    @Jbee…believe me… not talking down to you… You’re in a textbook abusive situation.

    But it would be a good idea to go to a local domestic violence group…call your local DV shelter or a hotline…meetings are usually held once a week in a secret location. He won’t find out you’re attending. The advocates would have resources to help you get situated if need be.

    #603184 Reply

    Crisula

    and that’s the thing too
    people naturally think these women have supportive family and friends they can rely on

    sadly..a lot of the times, that is not the case.

    #603204 Reply

    jc

    Get out now. I wasted 17 years my life on this kind of relationship and it never changed a bit for the better. In progressively got worse over the years. In fact, the final “dramatic lash out” was the most publically humiliating incident you can imagine. In front of my entire family, the community and is now forever on the internet….

    You deserve peace and respect in your intimate relationships.

    #603237 Reply

    Phillygirl

    He is a sick, abusive man. Nowhere is this anywhere near the spectrum of normal or acceptable behavior.

    I was in an abusive relationship years ago. NEVER again. When I see any signs of that type of personality now I run and don’t look back.

    Abusers specifically seek out those they can dominate, manipulate and subjugate. If you are not mostly a loner, they fix that then they convince you (or create an environment where you cut off and alienate yourself from friends and family. They intentionally drive away all of your support network.

    This man is abusive. Just because he has not struck you YET, means little. It always starts with verbal and emotional abuse before it turns physical. Breaking things is the precursor to laying his hands on you.

    You already know deep down he’s sick. You can’t fix him and even therapy, if he is truly ready,willing, and able to be helped at this point will take years in all likelihood. And it does not mean he will be a good partner for you then, either.

    I still had family in my move that was ready, waiting and wanting to help me get away. Thank God for that.

    Yes, it’s hard without a support network already in place, but there are places (like those Crisula mentioned) that can help you start on the right path.

    Yes, you are not thinking straight and are somewhat numbed to what abuse truly is right now. When you are in these situations your self esteem, critical thinking, boundaries, and confidence are all muddled or disappear.

    None of what he does is ok or justifiable, and talking to him about it won’t fix a thing, but could make him more dangerous to you.

    You need to be ready to accept and let him go, so you can get yourself back. It will take strength and courage, but I know you’ve got it. You have to be determined not to go back.

    And you need to leave,and leave him alone for good!

    #603238 Reply

    L

    ‘He is willing to go to MORE therapy?’

    #603308 Reply

    Peggy

    I was married to someone like this-it never became physical but the threat that it could was there. The emotional abuse and stress of an angry, unpredictable partner can be as damaging as being hit. I left and am glad I did. You can leave now and should. If you want to try, (after you leave)give the option that he do therapy for 6 months and then both of you meet with his therapist to chart his progress. I would just move on to a healthier relationship/ guy.

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