Vanished thus far

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This topic contains 87 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Suz 1 year, 5 months ago.

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  • #591337 Reply


    Same old story. Met on one of the online sites back on 12-01-17. Instant rapport. Chatted, texted, hours on phone up till a couple days before Xmas, obviously. Things slowed down but still texting. In the conversations all kinds of you’re great, you’re totally my type, I like you, long, very intense conversations about family, our lives, background, etc. He’s got custody of his 3 kids, busy work life, and there is a small geography issue insofar as he works in L.A. which is about hour and 15 mins from me but lives 4 hours away. He commutes 5 days a week. He’s legitimate because in my business I am nothing if not thorough, so I did my background check. I also am busy with work and have a lot of family commitments. We decided that we would plan to meet after the New Year. The last week his texting has slowed down, we were supposed to talk on the phone but he had some kind of catastrophe as a result of issues at LAX. Didn’t hear from him yesterday and haven’t heard from him today. I’m very blunt. When the texting slowed down for a few days right before the holidays, I flat out told him, look, if you’re no longer into this, that’s cool, but I would rather you be forthcoming than just do the slow fade. Laughed told me I was being ridiculous, he was sick, kid was sick, and we spent 2 hours on the phone that night. There has been no cyber foolishness. Pics have been nothing more than PG stuff and a lot of banter. We mesh very well insofar as personality. Most guys are intimidated by my IQ and the fact that I have no filter and call everything just exactly how I see it. So back to the nothing but crickets in the last day and a half. I was irritated this a.m., so I deleted our conversations off my cell, haven’t deleted his number or pictures.

    I have to say, this guy was checking off every single one of my boxes, physically totally my type, intellectually could keep up with me, a total alpha alpha male, etc. He did most of the chasing, by the way, tho when I got comfortable after the first couple of weeks I would occasionally initiate texts.

    The above all said, I’m flabbergasted. To text and tell me let’s talk on phone tonight, I’d really like that and then nothing…???? As I said, I deleted the text thread from my cell because I was in a snit this a.m., and common says just walk away, BUT the legal, no BS taking, brutally sarcastic part of my brain is incensed and wants to text him and say, Dude, WTEF…?

    Are all guys just crazy??? WTEF??? It’s going to be really hard not to text him or call him and say WTF… really hard.

    Someone explain to me how it’s not acceptable to text him and say, Dude, Really???

    #591339 Reply


    Wow, you need to chill.. big time. You seem very intense. You have never met this man! I am sure he is feeling this intensity and it is repelling him. You already called him out for not texting enough? You need to take a major step back.. let him come to you. How do you think he feels getting chastised by a woman that he has never met for not texting enough? Do you think that will make him attracted to you?
    Relationships need to evolve. People need to meet.. face to face.. see if they connect… get to know one another.. at an organic pace (not forced by one party). Aside from that, people have lives and can’t spend multiple hours a day texting and talking on the phone. Loosen your grip and let it happen naturally
    Just curious, how has the having no filter thing worked out for you thus far?

    #591340 Reply


    First of all, I didn’t chastise him, it was just in the middle of a conversation. Ironically, never had a problem with my no filter, and one of the first things he put out there after the first time we spent a couple hours on the phone was I love the fact you have no filter you’re exactly like I am. We play off each other very well personality-wise.

    His last text to me was to talk on the phone then radio silence. I never responded to that text because I got busy with work and have not contacted him since.

    Just very unusual given everything that has gone back and forth since 12/01… oh well, is what it is. He knows where to find me. I’m guessing he’s wondering why I haven’t texted him. Hopefully, he won’t take it as a show of no interest, because the interest is definitely there, but we’re both too old to play these games and given that even came up in a conversation that we would always be straight with each other it just really was not expected. Up until now our conversations and texts had been pretty all-cards on the table no BS we’re adults and too old for the High School games but either he’s regressed back to High School or something has happened. My concern is that my lack of texting him to ask if he’s ok will be misconstrued as no interest, but I’m not going to stoop at this point. Much as I want to, as much as I am slightly concerned given what he does for a living, etc., I won’t do it.

    #591343 Reply


    My point is that you said something to him to bring to his attention that you were not all that happy with the slow down in texting. It may have been packaged as “hey if your not interested just tell me”. but you were definitely looking for a reaction and for him to step up even if it wasn’t that explicit. I know this because I have done it! but never works out well bc they FEEL chastised. He owes you nothing. You have never met. What exactly are you expecting from this man at this stage?

    Just to get the details straight.. he texted you asking to speak on the phone and you never responded then he didn’t call? Why did you not respond?

    #591344 Reply


    Suz-you are way over invested this early on-step way back and let him wonder about you for a change-also he seems to have a busy home and commute life-dating you will involve some distance/travel-may be he is thinking about the pros and cons of it all-relax and be patient. I would leave him alone for now and wait. If a couple days pass, and he does not call, well maybe he thought better of it-until then keep busy and do not text him. Odds are he will be in touch.

    #591345 Reply


    Actually, the last text he sent was I’m still at work, that’s the one I didn’t respond to. The one before that was the agreement to talk on the phone yesterday or Saturday, that one I responded to with something to the effect of yeah I’d like that too, then he texted back about 45 minutes later I’m still working. Then radio silence. I didn’t respond to that one because I was in the middle of a deadline, and then after a whole day passed and he didn’t reach out it seemed silly to respond to it. Now we’re, what, almost 1..5, 2 days out from when the phone call was supposed to happen, so I have held back on responding or texting and inquiry because now it seems weird. As I said, the whole time he’s been the one that reaches out about 70%. It’s just all very confusing. Prior to this disappearing act he’d called one night and he’s all hadn’t heard your voice in a few days, etc., we talked for 2 hours, and any number of things he said and/or texted than now seem very incongruous with the vanishing act.

    And you’re absolutely right, he owes me nothing, we haven’t met, but we were well on our way to getting to know each other, so the sudden disappearance esp given the texts from days before, just it’s all off…

    #591348 Reply


    Peggy, funny we had talked about the distance and he was looking into getting a place near LAX so his commute wouldn’t be so crazy. So the distance thing was hashed out. I’m not overstating it when I say we put all our cards on the table from the jump and made a promise to never pull punches or play games. THAT is why it’s so unusual. Given what he does and did for a living this isn’t the kind of person you DON’T take them on their word. It’s all very weird. But now I don’t have a choice but to wait. The radio silence and where I would have typically texted and asked what happened passed because I got caught up with work. If I text now, I become that needy clingy chick and that’s not me.

    #591351 Reply


    I understand how it feels all off to you but this is part of getting to know him! Maybe he’s s flakey guy who disappears then resurfaces. Maybe he got on to chatting with someone else. it just seems that you got ahead of yourself and have lots of expectations. He may not be the guy you think he is… at all. I would do exactly as Peggy suggested. Leave hm be and see what happens.

    #591352 Reply


    Kate, yeah, I agree… I lost the window of inquiry after that last text due to work, it’s too late now… all I can do it wait.

    #591354 Reply


    How did you meet him online? Did he contact you? Irt is not a good sign. normally people AVOID contacting those who are far away. Ask yourself why would someone want to start something with a person whom they can’t see more than once a month. 9 times out 10 it is to cheat or to have a fbuddy. They will behave nicely for the first 2-3 weeks and then everything slides to a booty call set up.

    He says he wants to move but it is just talk so far.

    With respect to your frustration. he owes you nothing except he does “owe” you normal politeness. So if he said let’s talk tonight and then doesn’t call, this is not ok. However, you did not reply to that text. Why didn’t you reply? You didn’t say what the text said but I’d text back and say “I just noticed I didn’t reply to you. Sorry about that. I thought you’d call me because you said we should talk on the phone. Let me know when you’re free. No pressure blah blah blah”

    #591358 Reply


    I don’t understand why you can’t just call him?

    #591370 Reply


    I gave a lot on my plate through the weekend. If I haven’t heard by Saturday I might call him and find out what’s up. I’m going to give him the space he’s initiated and see what happens.

    #591374 Reply


    Back up. What’s up with starting your post with “same old story?” Does this situation always happen when you meet men?

    #591375 Reply


    Jackie, no, actually first time. I meant same old story insofar as the prevalence of posts I’ve read on here with similar issues.

    #591376 Reply


    Did you learn anything by reading the other posts?

    What I notice is the girls who are having problems with guys doing this are far, far too keen. They’ve gotten in too fast and too deep.

    “Most guys are intimidated by my IQ and the fact that I have no filter and call everything just exactly how I see it.”

    I don’t think it’s your IQ.

    I don’t mean to insult you or anything but who wants to be around someone who has no filter, knows it and is proud of it despite the results?? It sounds to me like calling it exactly as you see it is code for you jump to a conclusion pretty quick. All the cards on the table right in your face up front. Not at all attractive. To a man or to anyone.

    Perhaps since you are so blunt you will appreciate the honesty in the same coin.

    For a number of reasons it doesn’t sound like this one is going anywhere so perhaps you could just learn something for next time?

    #591377 Reply


    Suz, I’ve found that the more you talk to a guy before you actually meet and the deeper the connection you think you have, the more likely it is to be a bust when you actually sit down face to face. This is a lot of emotion and drama to go through for a guy you’ve been talking with but never met. And he may considering whether it’s a good idea to even meet at this stage due to factors having absolutely nothing to do with you, for all you know. YOu’re both busy and the distance is quite something. LA traffic is a beast. I wouldn’t sit around and wait for anyone, I’d be out doing what I do and let this go to the back burner. I’d be considering on my end if I were you if this was really a good idea to meet. And my two cents is that you don’t have such long conversations and frequent contact with someone before you meet in person.

    #591390 Reply


    You cannot get invested and have expectations with regards to a man you have never met. I think we’ve all had to learn that the hard way. At this stage in the game, just assume that you’re not the only woman he’s talking to, and one of them may live closer. Also, you said he ticked off all your boxes and yet you never even met him. He may not be anything like the way he is portraying himself to you.

    Also, I think he may have seen that lack of a text reply as a sign of disinterest on YOUR part. You say you’re not into games, but saying that you couldn’t text him a reply because the window closed to me is totally game playing. I would not have ignored that, I would have responded even if it was hours later with something like, ‘sorry, got busy with something at work, so when do you want that phone call to happen?” You’re saying he’s probably wondering why you’re not texting him. Well, if you think that, why AREN’T you texting him? Aren’t you playing games doing that?

    If you really see potential here, then what are you risking by sending ONE text when you’re the one who didn’t respond to the last one? The worst that can happen is he doesn’t answer. *Shrug* well, his loss then, then you know and can forget about him.

    #591391 Reply


    You have an ‘ incredibly high IQ,’but can’t see the guy is leading you on and hasn’t made effort to meet you in person? Brilliant.

    #591410 Reply


    Agree with the ladies. I understand where you’re coming from but you have only been talking to this man for a month!!! You are way too invested/atrached. It would be reasonable to have a reaction like yours if you’ve known him longer, like months, but this is coming right off the gate guns blazing! Never tell a man to text more!!! That shows you don’t even know him but are already getting mad over what he isn’t doing as if you’re an established gf! I wouldn’t recommend doing that at any stage, let alone a man you’ve been talking to a month. Men respond to actions, not words, not things you tell them they’re doing “wrong” – they see that as nagging. You can’t show a man they have any control/impact on your emotions because then you look needy like you aren’t just happy & people have to act a certain way or you feel mad. Not attractive! I totally understand how you feel, I’ve been there, but do not SHOW it to someone you’ve only been communicating with for such a short while. Offputting for sure. I am sure if a man did that to you, you’d be turned off. You should not even NOTICE if you haven’t heard from a guy you don’t know in a couple days, let alone care. So my suggestion is to be happier & not look towards other people to affect your mood. Delete his number as well.

    #591417 Reply


    So basically all you have so far is a pen pal. If you are not able to meet a guy what’s the point in texting and texting and texting?? Online dating was never ever meant to be literally just online. This guy aside, what are you really looking for??

    Also you come on as quite aggressive. If I were him, I would have taken a step back to see if I even want to continue. And since you guys have never even met, it also could be that he has found another pen pal to spend his “texting time” with.

    #591426 Reply


    Is he married?

    #591799 Reply


    Answers to assorted questions:
    – he contacted me initially, I did not contact him and one of the first things I pointed out to him was to inquire if he had noticed the distance;
    – we mutually agreed to put all our cards on the table precisely due to the distance;
    – usually it is the IQ that intimidates, my experience has been 90% of the guys I deal with appreciate the blunt call-it-like-you-see-it perspective, the ones that don’t typically are either too beta to hang with it or to misogynistic and arrogant to put themselves in a position where it’s possible a female might outdo them or might be as competitive as they are;
    – I don’t come off aggressive from the jump, in fact, quite the opposite. I wait and gauge who I am dealing with prior to showing my hand and temper how forthcoming I am from a calculated reaction perspective based upon who I am dealing with, and in this case it was by mutual agreement after a couple of long phone calls where it was agreed that we were both too old for games, that the distance merited that we be upfront and brutally honest with each other, etc. notably, HE was the one who initiated that forthrightness as well and was the one who proceeded. I didn’t respond in kind till 2 conversations later because I was still calculating what my positions were;
    – as for playing the game by not texting, it’s entirely possible I am delving into that by not responding, but at this point after this many days, not sure what to do. I may contact him tomorrow when my day isn’t quite as crazed just to say hello and leave it at that so that if he did, in fact, feel like I was not interested when I didn’t respond to the still working text that he knows the interest is still there.
    – kind of hard not to notice when you don’t hear from someone, whether they are new or old in your life, when the pattern has been constant communication either text or telephonic;
    -he could very well not be anything like he’s portrayed himself to be; however, what I got to know and what I saw and heard in texts and calls, yes, he, did indeed tick all of my boxes. We had a multitude of things in common, both from a physical perspective and a cerebral perspective. I have a theory why he’s dropped out but I have to flesh it out and try and find a way to verify it;
    – what I’ve learned from the comments is there are a lot of extraordinarily rude and judgmental people on this forum who apparently are far too ignorant to understand the two-dimensional quality of this sort of platform and capitalize on that ignorant and generally pusillanimous nature to use the anonymity provided to them to say things they would never have the nerve to say to someone in person for fear of having a beating thrown at them, conversely, I have also learned that there are quite a few people on this forum who legitimately have a desire to be empathetic and advise from the perspective of experience and are intelligent enough to realize that in a forum such as this there is a significant lack of background detail and nuance that is unknown so they temper what they say with that in mind.
    – I never said I was “mad” or unhappy. Confused, definitely, perplexed, assuredly, mad or unhappy, not so much. And I will reiterate, due to the time we met, meeting after the New Year was a mutual agreement due to work and family commitments because it seemed a waste of time to meet for a 15-, or 30-minute rushed window, which during Dec was basically all we would have both been able to commit to and it would have been a logistical nightmare;
    – I never told him to text more.

    Likely, there are things I didn’t respond to or address, but I have a deadline to finish.

    #591803 Reply


    Sorry but you don’t sound street smart. That’s for sure.

    What does ‘putting it all on the table’ mean? You HAVE NOT MET!!!!! Do you realize how ridiculous you sound? The man is going to locate and find a place to accommodate a woman he hasn’t even seen or spent time with in person?

    It doesn’t matter what a man says. It is what he actually does and whether that syncs with his words. Most men don’t reach out to women who are long distance for a serious relationship. They do it for flings, ego boost, to kill time, etc.

    It’s not about being judgmental. It’s common sense. Your ‘relationship’ with this guy is the only thing’two dimensional’ because all you have are a bunch or words from a stranger.

    Another case of a OP coming on here looking for advice and then getting her feeling hurt because people don’t say what she wants to hear.

    Texting and phone calls is not having a real relationship and I bet he is doing this with other women, as well. So to put the cards on the table, if he hasn’t lived up to his promises to meet or communicate, you have nothing and now it’s down to a one dimensional waste of time.

    #591805 Reply


    I say give him a call or send him a text if he was the last one to text you about talking on the phone the other evening. If he doesn’t respond then he obviously lost interest, is either too busy/not ready for a relationship and is to cowardly to say it even with a simple text.

    #591806 Reply


    Jon, again, someone making an assumption and being uninformed. I never said he was going to relocate for me, let alone that that was what he said. He brought up in conversation that the commute was killing him and he had started looking for a place closer to his work so as to not have to commute 5 days a week. I never said I believed that or considered that we were in a relationship. I believe what I said was we were getting to know each other which is the point, insofar as I can tell, of texting, talking, emailing, etc.

    And, for the record, LMAO, you give yourself entirely too much credit thinking you could “hurt my feelings.” Facts are facts, next time get them all prior to making assumptions about things, or better yet, read more carefully so you respond from a place of accuracy, which clearly you haven’t.

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