Two Week Break: No Contact


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  • #682847 Reply
    T from NY

    It does feel confusing, when you’re all mired in the muck of codependency. What you feel is love and compassion for a man in an unhealthy relationship is just you trying to work out your own self-worth issues, and to substitute endorphins, hormones, chemicals that come from interacting with an intimate partner to fill some of the void of your own self doubt. I am not in any way saying you don’t care for this man — I know that you do. But what I’m trying to say is that you care for HIM more than you care for YOU. And this type of imbalance will never translate into long term happiness.

    I think your question is excellent. Loving yourself in the right way is NOT just bubble baths, manicures, exercising and losing weight, and etc. It’s about making HARD ASS choices in your relationships. It’s about READING articles on sites like Baggage Reclaim and Ask Polly (@Cut magazine) — like they are your new Bible — because they ARE. It takes time. When you adopt a radical self-love program you’re going to take a couple of steps forward and then screw yourself over emotionally, then realize it, then forgive yourself because you’re learning, and then your gonna do it all over again.

    At first when you go on the above sites and read books like “Why Men Love Bitches” you’re not gonna recognize the women they talk about as YOU. But it’s you. I didn’t see ME — until I did. You will too.

    Self love means stopping in your tracks. Getting quiet and asking yourself — What do I want today? What do I need today? Is the person I’m with giving that to me on a consistent basis? Is this relationship balanced? Am I more involved in his life than my own? Does he support me? Do I FEEL supported? Do I feel happy and free?

    No life isn’t roses and it’s going to be difficult. But a healthy relationship feels amazing a lot of the time. You feel lucky to be able to count on someone. You feel CALM and loved and SEEN. You are not making excuses for why your partner isn’t meeting your needs. You’re not waiting around by yourself because “just around the bend things are gonna work themselves out” when the other person realizes how lucky they are to have you.

    You will be able to tell if you’re loving yourself the same way you can tell you are being loved well by another — by how your heart feels. When you are centered and living balanced — being with yourself or your healthy SO feels not anxious, not worried, not confused if that person will be there for you.

    Start with those sites. Read about codependency. Good for you for taking some of this time to consider where YOU are in the midst of all your partners distress. You’re there somewhere, buried under all your compassion. You can stop caring so much about other people and start tending to you. You deserve that. And no one else will be able to do it better. Good luck.

    #682895 Reply
    Nichole

    Running the emotional gamut!

    I am currently feeling very angry. When my SO asked for the break, he did so in a text while I was at work. I asked if he’d be back and he promised he would, said he loved me and I needed to respect his request. I asked if we could talk to say goodbye and he said no, because it’s not goodbye.

    Now, I’m faced with wondering who the eff does that?! Your comfort is more important than mine, clearly. I wasn’t able to process and discuss this break. I wasn’t able to ask any questions about whether he’d be seeing other people, or if and when I would hear from him. I’m just in radio silence, dealing with the letter bomb he sent me and wondering what the eff happened. Does he need the break JUST to deal with himself and the death and other issues he’s recently gone through, as he said? Is he considering whether to end things? Is he going to put me through this two week hell, only to tell me at the end that this isn’t going to work out? I would hope he’d contact me sooner if that’s the case.

    Yep, just really pissed off at the moment. Still concerned, still love him… but really mad.

    #682931 Reply
    Newbie

    I think anger is a good feeling because now you realize how little respect he showed you. Take it one day at a time and read T her last post over and over. Its excellent advice on how to improve yourself

    #682986 Reply
    Nichole

    I am doh g a lot of reading and trying to figure out how I can be ok no matter what happens. I think it’s good to be able to depend on someone, but not to depend on them for your happiness, and I think I’m putting s lot of pressure on him too. If this is to work, I think we need to have some tough conversations. I think I need to be ruthless for my own wellbeing too. Not just try and be his meat shield to protect him from himself.

    I think love is about trying to help someone be their best self. I want to do that for him but I need it, too.

    Thanks everyone.

    #682993 Reply
    peggy

    Hi Nichole-I was struck by you saying how much you love him. May I suggest that you more likely “love” the person you think he “really” is or the person that he “could be”..if…if…if… So really the guy he is right now,is not able to be an equal partner and make you happy/facilitate your happiness and his own. Falling in love with potential is a recipe for disaster. You know that if he/things do not change,this won’t work. Two weeks is not gong to do it… So I suggest (gently) tht you cut him loose and moa. He may “heal” and return but don’t hold your breathe for it. Hope this helps.

    #682994 Reply
    peggy

    I will add that healing or resolution of issues usually means the person, ( HIM ) moves/goes forward,not backwards to were they were before. Hence,coming back to you,if he does get better, likely not in the cards..

    #683049 Reply
    Nichole

    I think I have to take him at his word because I have no other choice with regards to whether he’ll be back or not.

    Our relationship wasn’t the problem; he head a lot of things he needed to sort out and focus on that we’re independent of us, and I’m glad he has the sense to know what he needs. He was in a spot where he felt like he was drowning in the recent events in his life, and I think he felt really guilty about not being able to be there for me in the way he thought I needed.

    I had given him space prior to this, but he told me he felt like he was abandoning me when he took it. I’m hoping he doesn’t feel guilt about these two weeks, as that’s counterproductive to his healing. I do still feel pretty mad about how it was initiated, but in the state he was in, I don’t think he felt he had a choice.

    I think I need to get better at telling him what I need. I’ve been censoring that because of the huge stressors that he was coping with, but this can’t work if it’s all on one side. I just know that he needed a lot more care than I did at this time, and so I took a step back from my needs in an effort to support him.

    In the end, he’s working on himself and I’m working on me. For as long as I see that effort is being made by both of us, that makes all the difference to me. A commitment to being better today than we were yesterday. The reality is that he never gives up; he’s been through some heavy stuff in his life and he continues to seek treatment and fight through.

    #683059 Reply
    Bitter

    He’s screwing around during these two weeks and you are here posting about how supportive you are and love him so much. Good luck with that. When he returns more loving than ever (not likely) then you two can fly off into the sunset on your rainbow dragons and live in a castle made of cotton candy. Hey, it is just as believable as the fantasy you are creating by thinking he is “working on himself” right now.

    #683069 Reply
    Patricia

    Good heavens, all this talk about “needs”… two needy people together doesn’t make a whole, it makes constant trouble.

    I think you are way more into him and into this relationship than he is. Or he would have CALLED you to tell you he needed a break. Doing it by text and then refusing to talk is not indicative of someone who has the skills to be in a relationship.

    And you “fear that his healing will be the end.” Well, yes. When you are both in unhealthy places and one person decides to change, the relationship will rarely continue, because it was built on both of you being co-dependent. And I’m sorry but you are definitely co-dependent.

    Nichole… life is not supposed to be this hard. Relationships are not supposed to be this hard. Take this time to think about what YOU really want. It’s not just his decision. If you honestly think he’s going to call you up in two weeks and just get back with you and everything is going to be dandy, you are not being realistic at all. You’re hanging on very hard to something that doesn’t sound like it’s doing either of you much good.

    #683080 Reply
    alia

    From reading this forum the last few years, I don’t remember anyone coming back from brakes and getting happily back together. You should really take this man at a face value. It’s great you learned about the attachment styles and communicate well, but the thing we forget about psychology is that the only person we can change is ourselves, and everyone else have their own problems to figure out. The best thing in my opinion would be to let this man go. Because if you keep loving men, who leave you, you will constantly be in this situation if not with him, then with someone else.

    #689933 Reply
    Nichole

    The update.

    We met today and I tough loved him. We discussed things we need to work on individually and together to make this work, but also to just be healthier on our own. We’re going to slow things down and breathe a bit. We’re going to be more forthcoming about what each of us needs and go from there.

    When we first met, we were both in such turmoil that the comfort we found in each other was a false sense of everything being right in the world. So now that we’ve had time apart we’ve both realized that we need to keep doing the work even when things are sunny.

    He’s worth the effort, and so am I. So we’re gonna give it a go from a healthier spot and put more focus on ourselves, see how that pans out.

    Thanks for your advice, all.

    #689986 Reply
    Heather

    Learning to love yourself, oh my that’s a tricky one.
    I think it’s not something you consciously do but you can do things to get yourself in the right mind set that LEAD to loving yourself.

    One way is learning that you deserve love which improves you and enriches your life. Think objectively about what you love about your partner. I genuinely realised one day that I loved my ex pretty much for no reason. I’d somehow developed these strong feelings that he did very little to earn. He would give me little boughts of affection then nothing. He did the bare minimum. That is not a healthy relationship.

    Another way is being comfortable being on your own. And this takes time. This is why it’s important to build a solid foundation of good friends, hobbies and career goals. You need to have a life to make room for someone to join it and ADD to that life. Not subtract from it.

    It seems like you are very mature and very understanding of your boyfriends issues. But how many times are you going to be tolerant of situations like this? This could happen several times. Women naturally are nurturers, but it’s not always good to be constantly worrying about your partner. If you also suffer from anxiety & depression you could be helping him and inadvertently injuring your own mental health.
    Think realistically about if his man truly is worth these hardships. But as Lane said, a truly great relationship should not be this difficult.
    I think put simply you need to be more selfish. He has seeked out help himself and his attempting to heal. There is nothing more you can do for him dear. Think about how happy you are, truly.

    #690040 Reply
    Emma

    why did he need a 2-week break? was he seeing someone during that time? you sure he wasn’t?

    what was the reason he needed a “break” aka not seeing or talking to you? and he was not really asking, was he?

    I am amazed at these new “norms”. I can see if one of the “partners” (BF/GF such infantile terms!!) wanted to spend more time alone, you’d tell them I want to be at home today and tomorrow, I want to do this or that can’t meet with you…but “asking for a break” this way is unacceptable! I can see why you were and still mad at him.

    I think you are being in denial that you are going to “work on things” and it will be just fine. But I wish you luck! With this guy you need lots of it.

    #690050 Reply
    Hannah

    I’m with you Emma! If anyone ever asked me for a break, the answer would be no. Either someone is with me and wants to be with me or they’re not. It’s a simple choice.

    Nicole, I hope your conversation was honest. I’m really worried that you said this ” I’m hoping he doesn’t feel guilt about these two weeks, as that’s counterproductive to his healing.”. What about you?!?! What about the fact he turned his back on you, abandoned you and detrayed you?

    I’m worried you’re going to worry so much about “his healing” that you forget yourself and your own needs in all of this. You need to tell him he totally let you down and he can never betray your relationship in that way again.

    If he needs help dealing with his feelings, then I hope he got it in those 2 weeks and is continuing to get it now. But should he feel guilty? Yes! He has a lot to feel guilty for. If he doesn’t want to feel guilty, he can choose to find a different way of dealing with things than running away.

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