This topic contains 55 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Phillygirl 11 months ago.
June 27, 2017 at 3:30 pm #637629
So I started dating this guy recently, we had a super good first date talking and getting to know each other for hours. The second date he suggested driving somewhere for a hike, so we took a day trip out of town a ways to a really nice spot with a waterfall. It got fairly intimate…not super physical, but just talking on a deeper level about all sorts of things. We did kiss, and the chemistry was incredible. We talked the whole ride home and I felt super comfortable with him, even though he says he’s shy. I’m not a big talker myself, but spending the whole day together like that I definitely opened up and we had some really intimate conversations. The whole thing was definitely more intimate than the usual second date. He mentioned that he wished we could keep hanging out, but we both had things to do as it was a Sunday evening. Made tentative plans to hang out during the week. Didn’t hear from him at all last Monday, texted on Tuesday, just a casual, hey, did you still want to try to get together this week? We ended up hanging out again that night at his house, listening to music…that time he did put the moves on and we ended up having sex. I worried that it was a little too soon and told him so, but it was definitely a mutual decision. Afterwards he talked about how we should do a sleepover soon, probably over the weekend, that he was looking forward to seeing where things could go. I tried texting him again on Weds and Thurs and he was responsive but vague, busy. I was getting a weird vibe from it, but don’t like to read too much into texts. Asked him on Friday about the weekend and he suggested Saturday night. Saturday afternoon I texted him and he said actually he was not feeling well and would not be making it out. He’d “be in touch.” That sounded like the most dismissive statement ever, and it immediately felt to me that my vibes were correct, that things had moved too far too fast and freaked him out. I sent a message back just saying hey…I’m getting this vibe, if you don’t want to keep hanging out you can just tell me that. He responded that he was also thinking it moved too fast, but we should keep hanging out and get to know each other better, and it had nothing to do with his canceling that night. I kind of jokingly said I didn’t want him to think I was into it just for his body, and he said “ok..no worries.”
That’s the last I heard from him. Instincts tell me I will never hear from him again, but wanted to get some feedback from those of you have more experience with this kind of situation. I did really like him, and because of that possibly sent out some intense vibes, but I said nothing overt to him to freak him out. Do you think I slept with him too soon, or should have held off on that day trip?
June 27, 2017 at 3:46 pm #637632
Yes I think it was too soon too fast and too much, of everything LOL.
He never had a chance to court you, to wonder about your attraction to him, he never had a chance to win you over, you kept contacting him and asking to hang out. Emasculating to a guy and also no opportunity to develop any feelings really.
You texted him four times, why not give a man a chance to reach out to you? why not give him a chance to miss you and crave you a little? He liked you and could have developed feelings had you treated the whole thing a little more delicately, with more understanding of how attraction works, how desire grows, how men need to wait and wonder.
Stop contacting him from now on. Give it time and he might reach out to you again, do not do home dates. Make him take you out and court you, even if you have to tell him directly, still it is better than not have any courtship.
And next time move slowly, take your time to get to know a person, do not engage in sex before you noticed a man has feelings for you.June 27, 2017 at 3:53 pm #637634
He isn’t super shy. He didn’t get super scared. It wasn’t super soon. The guy has moves and he used you like a plate of pasta. Circled the plate, blowed in it to get it luke warm and easy to eat, and then dived in for the bite. Meal done. Super slick! Next!June 27, 2017 at 4:06 pm #637638
Spend any amount of time reading the threads on this site, and you will see how often this happens.
You didn’t scare him off. This is one of the most common mistakes women make. They want a relationship, and don’t want casual sex, but that is exactly what they end up doing.
You were assuming he was bonding with you just because you had a long talk and spent time together. We tell women all the time, if you want a real connection and relationship, and can’t handle it if a guy disappears after sex, don’t get physical until he’s shown with actions and words he wants a relationship with you.
This guy in all likelihood was just interested in a hookup. Having sex early doesn’t scare a guy off. But if that’s all he’s interested in (and you aren’t) it’s a guaranteed way to get hurt. Which is what happened here.
Women have to learn to date without getting caught up so fast and investing in a guy, before he invests in you. Men can have sex and enjoy a woman’s company without wanting anything more. They know what to say and do in the beginning to get you to let your guard down and jump in bed with them.
I’m not saying all men (or most) do this intentionally, they are simply in the moment and assume if you go along with sex (without any discussion or agreement before a relationship) that you are fine with casual sex. Saying “I never do this” doesn’t count. Men don’t believe that line, anymore than you should believe a guy you barely know is going to be your BF without words and actions that match (over time.
I’m really sorry your feelings are hurt. But this guy wasn’t interested in anything serious with you. He just wanted sex. Don’t beat yourself up, learn from it.June 27, 2017 at 4:28 pm #637648
Doesn’t sound shy to me…June 27, 2017 at 4:49 pm #637658
At this point don’t contact this guy again and let him come to you.
I can tell that the sex made you feel uneasy right away, and perhaps its was too soon given this situation. Each guy you meet and timing for sex is different but one thing should remain the same.
Before you decide to sleep with a man its so important to know what he wants and is his actions and words lining up with that. After two dates there was no way for you to gauge that or his level of interest in you.
If he does reach out don’t settle for a sleepover with sex and perhaps stay out of the bedroom. While you can’t undo anything you can slow things down a bit.
I see this often many women feel like if a guy talked about “deep things” it means something. Don’t mistake that for building a bond, which takes time.
Lastly, I’d highly suggest not spending hours on a date for the first few weeks. They need to earn all that time from you and it causes a false sense of familiarity. You can feel like you’ve known someone forever after hours of talk but, again that takes time.
Best of luck to you.June 27, 2017 at 5:02 pm #637666
Thanks everyone. I know I did mistake the connection we had with true intimacy that needs to be earned over time. Obviously I’m not too upset about it after only hanging out for a week, and I’m kind of glad I found these things out so quickly. In the past I guess that’s somehow worked out for me with my exes and quickly developed into something deeper and it felt like a natural path to commitment. This is the first time I’ve felt like I’ve followed someone’s lead only to be burned like this. I’ve never bought into “The Rules” or anything like that, but it does seem we’re just hardwired differently and what I took to be real intimacy he didn’t. One more thing…there were some performance anxiety issues on his part. Any chance he’s embarrassed and avoiding me because of that?June 27, 2017 at 5:52 pm #637697
Really?June 27, 2017 at 6:31 pm #637701
Really what, L? I don’t know what you’re asking.June 27, 2017 at 6:49 pm #637704
That’s his problem and not yours.
If this guy liked you and was embarrassed the last thing he would do is disappear.
Don’t conjure up excuses for someone who isn’t behaving well.June 27, 2017 at 8:57 pm #637731
If you spend time in this forum, it is actually sad how familiar the your story line is. At one point, most of women experience this kind of situation with men.
This is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of, it is a learning experience. Even though most of us deep down want things to progress organically and let go when we feel like doing smth, in today’s dating world we need to hold back a little. The reason being that it is hard to tell people’s intention right off the bat (that is if you are looking for smth more long term or meaningful).
As most of the ladies have said here, only time can tell who these men are. Over time, you are able to learn if they are interested in your or sex or smth casual. But if you cut the time short and go all the way in with intimacy, then it is hard to tease apart the variables that may have affected communication.
it sounds to me this guy is doing the slow fade away and it is best to leave it at that and continue with your life. If in the future you want smth more serious, maybe hold off on sex and get to know the guy better.June 27, 2017 at 9:06 pm #637734
Yep it happens to everyone.
The only problem with having sex early is not that you’ll “scare a guy off” or any such nonsense, it’s that you’ll get really attached, when you don’t even know him yet.
So take it as a lesson, a relationship with this guy was probably never on the table. And he doesn’t sound shy to me!June 27, 2017 at 9:50 pm #637738
He’s not shy LOL. How did you meet?
He sounds smooth. I’ve met guys like this, the last guy who was like this in the beginning ended up being my boyfriend (but now ex). That hike date in the first few dates and that comfortable connection. I followed his lead and he wanted to label it when I wasn’t ready. We did have great 6 months but eventually he couldn’t commit full on. So it doesn’t matter when you have sex. This guy of yours likely only wanted to hook up to begin with. It’s all about what these guys are open to in the first place.
And recently I had a guy with performance issue but he hasn’t disappeared yet.June 27, 2017 at 10:08 pm #637740
telling you he’s shy is part of the game for guys like this, and his performance issue is most likely about his own ego and could also probably mean he’s after someone else and wanted to “get a second opinion” before working on her.June 27, 2017 at 11:51 pm #637747
I don’t think it was the sex. He wasn’t in touch after your second date. You had to contact him for the third date. He made no effort and just asked you to go to his house.
It could quite possibly be he’d already lost interest by then but thought he could invite you round for sex. Most men will take an opportunity if it’s handed to them on a plate, even if they have no interest in seeing the womam again afterwards.
Or it could be he was on the fence, you had sex and then you kept contacting him. He may have felt you were being clingy and it put him off. Men look for signals as to what type of woman they’re dealing with early on. They like a bit of a challenge and a chase, rather than someone who doesn’t leave them alone.
I’d let the guy do more of the work next time. Wait for him to invite you on dates. Initiate sometimes but not all the time. Then you can gauge his real level of interest and give him the space for his attraction to you to increase if it’s going to.June 28, 2017 at 9:44 am #637783
I would move as fast as possible from a guy like this. He got what he wanted from you and is now not really interested in you. He is stringing you along. He will likely contact you again, but in his terms; for example, when he is feeling lonely and doesn’t have anyone else to snuggle up to. What a smoothie.June 28, 2017 at 12:44 pm #637820
It’s really interesting to me to hear these perspectives. I’m usually a pretty good judge of character, and he definitely came across as sweet and shy. Described himself as “socially awkward.” He also said he didn’t date much and hadn’t really dated in like a year. But yeah, of course those could all be lines that get him laid. Lesson learned.June 28, 2017 at 3:51 pm #637884
I have a completely different reaction. You went out on a second date on Sunday then texted him Tuesday then Wednesday then Thursday then Friday then Saturday. I’m not surprised he cancelled. I would run away too if a man bombarded me like that after 2 dates.June 28, 2017 at 6:12 pm #637933
I have always been the one in relationships to be very cautious and distant, I have even been accused of being cold and sabotaging things. I guess I was trying to learn from that and be a little less cautious here. It seemed from what he said that he was pretty intimidated dating and wanted to be with someone assertive. I was trying to be really empathetic to that and make it easier on him by communicating very regularly. But obviously I misread his signals.June 28, 2017 at 6:22 pm #637938
I also had a lot of friends telling me “oh, he’s obviously super into you! He’s probably just a bad texter.” He was the one to suggest all our plans, I thought I was just following through with the texts.June 28, 2017 at 6:43 pm #637943
Always be who you are…
The right guy will be crazy about YOU!June 28, 2017 at 7:37 pm #637960
For girls who fight the rules. You are much safer to follow them than to break them. They are there for your benefits, not against them.
I reread your post, you contacted him 5 times in one week. You had sex with him the second time you saw him. He said he was shy? Shy guys normally don’t have sex on the second date. He said he wants someone assertive, what a smart ass, how convenient! LOL . I am shy, so I am not going to ask you out on proper dates, and I want someone assertive, so you are free to pursue and court me. If you ask me enough I’d invite you over to my place for sex. Brilliant. LOL
Dating is very different these days, women need to be more careful than in the past, not less careful. More discerning, not less discerning. In the past you became an item very quickly, not anymore. The whole game is very different so the ‘rules’ need to be even stricter. That is if you want to land a good guy and not burn your heart and self esteem in the process.
You have a chance with this guy if you pull back in a major way and play it very cool. Do not contact him, do not text, do not call, if he contacts you wait before replying, wait a day or even two. Don’t worry he won’t lose interest because of that. He’d lose interest if you do the opposite. Good luck to you, the rule fighting girl LOLJune 28, 2017 at 7:45 pm #637962
Hmmmm. So Shannon and Nat went away all of a sudden and now we have Emma and a few others who appeared out of the blue. Interesting. Not criticizing. Just observing.June 28, 2017 at 7:57 pm #637964
WtfJune 28, 2017 at 8:12 pm #637966
Someone’s got a lot of free time on their hands…
Not criticizing. Just observing.