To text or not to text?

You sound like you have a good plan when you say it’s best he come to you this early in a relationship. He should be pursuing you if he’s very interested and the fact he isn’t and there’s been a change in his behavior is not a great sign. I’d do what you’re doing of going on other dates.

If you are looking for a boyfriend, this is not it. Men who want to be boyfriends act like it. They lock it down and they do not discuss dating others, they have dates set up and do not leave more than 48 hours between touch points after 5 dates. Stop contacting him at all (generally you should not before a man is very consistent anyway and it should be about 1 to 3 if he is being consistent). You have your head on properly… let him lead. I doubt this will be much as he is slowing down.

And if you want a boyfriend, do not sleep with men who are dating others.

Well I caved and sent him a message on Saturday night- just a light comment. He replied straight away and we had an exchange of messages then as it was late we just said good night.

I’ve not heard from him since and I’m super annoyed with myself now as it feels like I’m having to reset the clock. I’ve pretty much accepted he has lost interest but will probably keep replying if i message him but i don’t see much point in that really.

I’ve got two dates this week but i do feel a bit flat about this guy fading because i liked him. I suspect he might be back if his new interest fades.

I know this is just how dating is … you connect or not. You keep looking and then maybe find a stronger connection and so on, but i am just so tired of it all. Its such work and its a little bit more crushing after every interaction/date doesn’t work out.

I’ve learnt not to be overly invested and to keep dating so its not as upsetting as it use to feel but it would be so nice not to have to go through this crap

Thanks Khadija,sex was definitely a mistake but at the time I seemed like a great idea 🙄

I know it shouldn’t feel like work to date but its just not fun dealing with rejection and the way we date these days just feels like a lot more negatives then positives. I try and enjoy it and not over invest. The dates are always fun and i am generally quite chilled out …. until i catch feelings and then the anxiety and overthinking sets in

Perhaps you should try to re framing your view on rejection and dating.
If something doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to be.

In life you’ll get more no’s than yeses but, think about the times when you get a yes.

The times we get a yes is when something is for us.

Do you really want to be bothered with someone who can’t make dates with you and is too busy?
Its the bruise to your ego and this perceived rejection that is keeping your mind focused on this guy.

When you meet the right guy you will not be worried about the guys who didn’t text you back or never set another date.

Again,I really urge you to re-frame your thinking about dating, it will make the world of difference.

Just an opinion on the having sex too early or not. I don’t honestly think it matters, what matters is what your expectations are and how you behave after.

If you sleep with a guy on the first date then start acting all clingy, asking what’s up, or pursuing him he’s going to back up. So if it’s someone you want more than just sex from and you’re not able to lean back yourself don’t sleep with them too early. But if you can lean back and let him come to you, if he liked you he’s going to come and it doesn’t matter when or how early you slept with him.

All of my long term and best relationships started with sex on the first date.

Too many great points made in K’s comment to mention.

@Yana, it is statistically unlikely for -all- of your relationships to turn long-term after sex on the first date. So either you’ve got mad luck and need to buy a lottery ticket.

Or there is a pattern, variables or an explanation that influenced that your positive experience. Could be a different culture, friends first before first date, long distance dating, non-online dating, small sample size of long term relationships etc

My bet’s on the latter so don’t buy that ticket :-)

K – thanks for your comments. The only i would say is i am safe in my dating- this is not someone i slept with on a first date – it was dates 4 and 5.

Yana – both my (failed!) Marriages were men i slept with on the first date but its not something i do nowadays. I think if a man is going to bin you after sex he will do so whether its a first date or the fifth.

I think Kadjai is right about my focus on him being a hurt ego thing as whilst i saw potential i was far from convinced a relationship is a good idea or that he was right for me.

I didn’t think he was the type to just ghost/fade and we had even spoken about how to end things with someone if your not feeling it so he knows that i said I’d rather a guy just sent a brief text saying its not working and good luck or whatever- its not like I’d try and convince him to change his mind! Its just horrible to feel like you are not even worth a text. I have accepted he has lost interest and its done but i think a part of me was hoping it was just a lapse of a couple of days but he hasn’t messaged since the weekend when he replied to me so no message is the message itself.

I’m going to take a break from dating as I’m not finding it fun anymore xx

Because the not feeling it text works both ways… it’s not all in his power

The only time I’ve personally seen sleeping together early evolving into a long-term committed relationship, is when the man was already smitten with the woman before sleeping together as his brain was operating on a wholly opposite spectrum than he does with majority of women he meets. There’s just something about HER, she possess something, which I call the “it factor” that drives and compels him to want to be with her, and only her, not just for sex (lust), even though he is having sexual thoughts about her lol.

Sure there’s that 1% or 2% of men who meet a lady and instantly think “she’s the one” even after engaging in a one-night stand, but these are super super rare when taking into context the number of those that have failed when counting the number of women they met, spoke to, hit on, dated, or broke up with only to find they weren’t ‘the one.’ One or Two out of say 50 to 100 women (depending on many factors such as their age, attractiveness, personality, etc.) aren’t good odds for the woman. In majority of cases love develops over time, its not instantaneous, it evolves, grows and strengthens while spending time together in many different situations; not a roll in the hay.

Holding off on sex even with men who are very smitten (crushing or infatuated) with you will help to keep YOUR EMOTIONS intact and in check as you’re able to observe, watch and listen to those nagging [red] flags that one ignores or is blinded by when their sex hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, etc.) are clouding a woman’s ability to fully see the true intentions of a man more clearly. In the early stage its far too difficult to know, especially with men being testosterone driven (their primary sex hormone), which is what trips women up the most and why they find themselves in these situations.

Always ask this question: “Is he truly trying to create an emotional bond or is it lust/infatuation? The latter is more often the driving force and only by holding off on sex will reveal the answer based on his WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH formula. Due to how men’s brains are wired its best to take the non-sex route until you feel pretty confident and sure his intentions are primarily geared towards wanting to be *with you* and not lust (sex) driven over several months, not a few dates, especially if there are any mixed signals or they are using a whole bunch of flowery words, that’s when you have to be even more cautious! Like Steve Harvey say’s “THINK LIKE A MAN, ACT LIKE A LADY.” Steve KNOWS how men think, he is one haha, and so you too need to think like them and not like a lady lol.

I think in this day and age of instant communication, we have lost the art of dating for fun. It used to be something fun to do and possibly make a connection. Now with social media and texting, and other apps for communication, we fail to realize that most good ways to find out if someone is into you is through their body language and facial expressions. It’s not even what they say and definitely not what they text. If you don’t ever see them, then you would naturally determine that they’re not interested, but since we have all ways of checking up on people, we’ve lost the art of connection and what really needs to happen for a relationship to be good or what we even want. I think it’s a recipe for disposable relationships as there is probably a new one right around the corner. I wish you Sad and all those out in the dating world luck- I can’t even imagine.

SS – I’m sorry for your disappointment. And there’s not a thing wrong with you that you are feeling it. Of course dating is supposed to be fun, but we all know it can flat out suck sometimes! For me, it would take a lot for me to even want to sleep with someone at this point. So yes sleeping with them increases my crush which is why I no longer do it with someone I really like! (Meaning the less I like you and the more attractive you are – the better chance you have of getting sex early from me. JK I rarely do – but you know what I mean) Now if I meet someone I really like the (slight) war within myself is with my SELF because as much as I like a guy I don’t want to put my emotions in an awkward position and CHOOSE to love myself more. I will say “I am really really attracted to you. But I don’t sleep around so wanna go get ice cream to cool off?” Or something silly like that. You hold of until they lock you down or they go away. It’s that simple.

I too have had (2) long-term relationships that began with sex on the first date. One relationship was the best I’ve ever had and I feel SO lucky to have experienced it, despite it ending. BUT the difference in both those instances was I TRULY was not looking for a relationship so had zero expectations if they contacted me again.

I have a slightly different take on your situation. As much as you suggested that you had an agreement with this man that you were not exclusive you definitely started wanting him to ACT exclusive after a few dates and getting physical. You catching feelings is fair and out of your control, you expecting such behavior from him and not letting him lead is not fair and absolutely under your control.

I am not sure how long it’s been since he’s reached out or set up a date — and I know some would consider it a lost cause because you’ve had sex and he’s disappeared — but because of all your talks about what you both wanted and his suggestion of non-sex dates I would CONsider seeing him again if he reached out and planned an outing. Yes most men know right away when they want to be with someone. But men are not robots and sometimes they are all over the place and despite saying he wants a relationship all your ‘agreements’ and discussions (even if there were only a couple, that’s too many in too short of a time) made him feel pressure. Men very occasionally need to play the field and the reason you don’t reach out is so they can MISS YOU. They could go out with Mary on Saturday night, then get home and wish they’d gone out with you so they reach out again.

The point is — when you aren’t over investing (either by having sex too early and catching expectations or not having sex and still catching expectations) you maybe wouldn’t have been as acutely aware of how long it’s been since you’d seen him. Texting should not be 50 50 in the beginning. It should be 90 10 (maybe 85 15 LOL) Phone chats should be kept to a minimum until they you are a girlfriend so they MISS you. Not games. Just an emotional outlook and boundaries. You will do better next time tending to you and making decisions based on what’s best for YOU – not for winning the man.