Think I'm too old for all this


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  • #568477 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Guys,
    Hope you can help me with this.
    I’m in for early 50s and so is he, but we both hang out with people in their
    late 30s, so do have a younger outlook on life I suppose.

    Started going to my local wine bar with a friend, when I met a guy there.
    It was pretty lustful and magnetic from the minute we spoke.

    We went out on a date a few weeks later and slept together that night, and again within days.
    He always came over to me in the bar, and didn’t care whose company I was in.

    Since then we have slept together on approx 6 other occasions. He usually askd me, but I did text him once after I left the bar and we hooked up that night.

    As time has moved on, his mates have been double guessing and said they can tell
    theres something between us. He doesnt respond to them when they ask, I think he
    has a slight shyness about him even though he’s quite dominant in many other ways.

    In the last few weeks, although he lets on in the bar, he doesnt come over anymore or reply to text – btw I sent 2 texts in 3 weeks – hardly texting.

    He’s told me in bed we have fantastic sex and it’s electric.

    Now though he’s backed off and even flirted with someone he told me he thought was attractive, he wasn’t flirting brazenly, he was trying to look casual, and spare my feelings, however he was hanging round her, she’s with someone else and my friend and I doubt she would be interested in him as she’s just got engaged, and she left early.

    What I really do not get though – I have heard his mate hangs around near me to keep others away. Also a mate tapped his shoulder and said “no way you’ve seen her, you’ve done well their mate”, and shook his hand, he didn’t deny it.
    Also when I left the bar early last night, his mate asked him “why is she going?? you joking?”
    He never responded, he just looked away. So that mate obviously knows something has happened between us.
    I have decided not to go to the bar for a few weeks as to be honest, I’m not handling it all very well, although I always keep my pride and last night, gave him a big hug before I went and said night.

    I know the sex is elctric and I know he finds me attractive as I know he asked about me when I first went in there. His mates do say/shout, if anyone comes over that he will get jealous and of course he says – don’t be stupid.

    He’s definately cooled off, the last time we slept together was a wildish night, but they have all been quite wild and alnighters.
    How do I play this, he is still looking over to check what I’m doing ? so confused.

    #568479 Reply
    Flower

    What do you want with this guy? If you are looking for a real relationship there is no chance. He is treating you horrible, honey.

    #568482 Reply
    Kathy

    I don’t want to hurt your feelings as you may be new to dating, even though you are a mature woman. This man is just treating as a f*** buddy, not someone he is dating.

    You should never “just go home” with someone if you are interested in them and want something more than what you are getting. I hate to tell you this, but you have allowed everything that has gone on. For your own sake, please never make yourself so available to a man. He won’t respect you and won’t want anything more than what you are getting from him.

    I would cut all contact off with this man. I, personally, would never go to the same bar again. But you must handle things the way you see fit.

    Please read up on this site. The ladies here will straighten you out real quick as how you should act. I have been taking their advice and it is working for me right now. My friend is treating me with great respect because I have set boundaries. A man has to respect a woman to love her.

    #568484 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Flower,
    thanks for the reply.

    I don’t really get it, when I’m stood chatting with my friends they rell me he’s just walked past or he’s looking over.

    What I didn’t explain very well was, it all went quiet a few weeks ago. A few of his mates were hanging round me and chatting, now I think they were trying to wind him up. He got a bit arsey and didnt chat with them or me for the rest of the night.
    It seems to have stemmed from that night.

    Another of his mates told me to go and speak to him as he gets shy and puts on a front, but I said he knows where I am, I’m not following him around.

    We usually hook up when we’ve had a night where we’ve chatted more and people arent getting involved, then he’s said can we meet and I have too.

    He’s made it clear it isnt sleeping with anyone else. I do believe him, as I know the only time he’s out it at the wine bar and he’s asked my what I do in between seeing him also, so I know it was on his mind too.

    #568492 Reply
    Peggy

    Hi-Your further explaining did not add anything to change the general opinion of this-sex buddy when convenient. This guy is not saying much and his actions are showing he is even less plugged in/interested in anything more.

    #568495 Reply
    redcurleysue

    If he is not calling and asking you out…just you and him….then he is not dating you.

    If he is not trying to date you then what else is there? Chatting when you see each other at the bar?

    He is not treating you seriously…so I would not think of him seriously. It is that simple.

    #568499 Reply
    Maria

    I agree with others. He is not treating you properly and you are allowing it. Disappearing without explanation is disrespect. Do not send any more texts. Do not go to the same bar. If he contacts you, you need to confront him. Do not allow disrespect. Hanging around at the same bar pretending everything is cool when you know he has been ignoring you is not respecting yourself. Do not pretend everything is cool and do not chase after him (with texts or anything for that matter). C’mon women, what’s going on? Where is your dignity? 15 or 25 or 50, dignity is dignity at any age.

    Next time, do not just “go home” with a guy and have sex. Make him court you a little. Unless, of course, you are up for the same type of thing that you’ve experienced just now. Some women settle with age, as they think they can’t do better. But be prepared for it, do not be surprised.

    #568501 Reply
    Delta

    Thanks Kathy,

    Yes I am new back on the dating scene, and he’s only been back on it a few years after
    a long marriage.
    But I will read more on this site.

    Redcurlysue – I know I’m not dating him, I suppose I’m thinking he’s trying to work things out himself too. The time before last we slept together, he stayed the night, and a few things were said in as much as him saying, he doesnt sleep around, he was shocked that I’d asked if he had slept with anyone within the few weeks we hadn’t. He said what! it’s only a few weeks, no way. He asked me to trust him. I told him I will ask everytime.
    See my neighbour, and I suppose this is why I’m on here, thinks he’s backed off because he started doing things that was showing his feelings and he’s not ready for a relationtship yet, after such a long marriage.

    I’m too out of a long marriage from a few years back and I don’t think I know what I want and have taken a long time trying to work it. In between I’ve been sat in doors, thats wasn’t the answer either.

    I cant change bars as my friends go there and we connect with other friends in there.

    I perhaps need to stay in a for few weeks till I find my head. Not sure what my friends will say where I am when or if he asks though. He’s not a nasty person so I
    don’t want my friend to give him an attitude – just a good excuse maybe.

    #568502 Reply
    Delta

    Can I just add on here, as I sound quite bad.

    I’ve never had a one night stand or slept with any man within the first 6 weeks.

    When I said I slept with him the first night we went out, I had already been chatting and socialising with him a few weeks before, that first date I did go back and stay the night in his bedm but I didnt’t do the full deed that night.

    I need to watch how I’m wording things.
    But I did the following week.

    #568503 Reply
    Jen

    This additional information doesn’t help.

    Let me give an example of why.

    When I first started dating my now fiancé, I had casually known him for a year. I used to see him almost daily at a place we mutually visited. At the time I had a BF, so it wasn’t until I became single again that he sought me out and courted me.

    When he first asked me for a date, after a YEAR of knowing me, we went on real dates. He always prep landed them and they were never home dates. When we discussed sex , we agreed to hold off on sex for at least 5 dates, so that we could focus on getting to know each other.

    What I’m trying to convey to you is that ‘knowing him’ isn’t the same as him making the effort to court you and win you over. From the start this was just an easy hook up for him.

    He may have pulled back because he didn’t want you to catch feelings, or he’s had his fill and is ready to move on to someone else.

    Him staring at you doesn’t mean much. In fact many men will seem to act jealous, even when they don’t really want you. It’s just an ego and territorial thing. Like when a dog if ignores the bone, until another dog comes along. Then that first dog will fight to the death over a bone that he didn’t want, until the other dog showed interest.

    #568504 Reply
    Tom

    Delta-

    Please follow what advice these women are giving you. I honestly don’t care if he has been out of the dating loop for a while, you don’t treat a woman indifferently if you have interest in her. You should look for more.

    I think you reading into things and finding “rational” excuses that make sense for him and that paint him in a positive light. If you look at his actions, they don’t add up to that. Am I wrong?

    #568505 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I am not talking at all about whether you had sex or not….I am wondering why you two are not going out beyond the bar and home.

    Usually if a man has interest he wants to get to know you. He also wants to take you places the two of you enjoy. The bar is one place on the whole planet. Do you not like to go to a concert? Or the movies? Or anywhere else?

    What I am saying is this connection sounds like a convenience, your friends, his friends, the bar and home. What are his interests beyond the bar….maybe you can fish in that stream?

    #568507 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Tom,

    No, you not wrong.
    I’m not saying anyone is wrong, I’m just discussing it. I’m not tying to validate
    him or me.

    I’m the first to hold back, but I usually can go too far with that, and do until I never have any physical contact with anyone. As i say the earliest I ever did was 6 weeks, it normally goes on for mnths with me and they have and do lose interest before I’m ready, but I’ve been ok with that as well.

    I suppose I wanted him as much as he did me which made it happen quickly. I did tell him the first time I went back I wasn’t going to “sleep” with him. He didn’t even try and pressure me, so I did feel I could trust him.

    He’s also taken me for a meal where he discussed family etc also.

    I know I’ve messed up, and the only reason I’m on here, is because I’ve acted different to usual.

    #568508 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Redcurlysue

    Yes I know, and I get what your saying and that would be nice.
    I suppose I should have pushed in that direction earlier, I too have let it get to this.

    But I am going to stay in for a few weeks now –

    i do need a good excuse as to where I am hwne he asks, I dont want them to go overboard or say I’m sat at home either.

    #568509 Reply
    Lyn

    It’s not a matter of messing things up.

    Some one night stands turn into real relationship. Not often, but possible.

    It’s just you never know a man’s true interest if you pull out the sex card so soon.

    And expecting a guy to wait months for sex? That seems extreme to me. 5 or six weeks, assuming you go out 1-2 times a week, is pretty reasonable. That give you a chance to win over the man’s heart and not just his genitals.

    #568514 Reply
    Tom

    Delta-

    Why do you need an excuse for why you’re not going to the bar?? You’re an adult, just say I didn’t feel like going. If he asks you personally why you weren’t going, I would just say I didn’t feel like going and, btw, would you like to go to ________________ sometime and just hang out?

    It sounds like he’s comfortable with the bar scene as either a hangout or as a hunting ground. Me, I would want something different.

    #568516 Reply
    Tom

    Honestly, don’t tell anyone why you’re not going. Maybe go somewhere else – park, mall, art gallery, zoo. If he asks, your friends saying idk creates some mystery. Mystery is good. If he cares, let him wonder about you a bit. If he doesn’t care, he won’t ask. That will give you an answer as well.

    Put your phone on vibrate, ignore it and spend some quality all by myself time w/ you. Learning to be happy w/ just you is fine.

    #568517 Reply
    Delta

    thanks Tom, good advice, and good idea -.

    Can I just say, and honestly I’m not sticking up for, I suppose it’s why I’m having a hard time with it all as well.

    I did ask about him before I went out with him, as I have a distant family member whose friends with him and also a friend of mine from 10 years ago. She told me (when i said he was showing interest) that she’s known him 4 years and he went out with a girl for 6 months, he’s very much a lads lad and a little quiet.
    The family member was the one that said speak to him, he can be shy and feels awkward at times but he’s a nice guy – was married and not really bothered much since.

    But I will stay away anyway – for my reasons, and tell me friends to say she didnt want to go out etc.

    But yeah Tom if I do hear from him, I will say – do you fancy lunch etc. Othewise leave it there .

    #568518 Reply
    Tom

    I wouldn’t tell my friends anything. If they asked, I would just say pass and I’m doing something else. Your friends talking with him and making up excuses for you doesn’t help your case IMO

    #568520 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Tom,

    I really appreaciate your advice from a mans point of view.

    I know I’ve been daft, as i say, 20 years in a crap marriage and being the good wife got me know where but underweight.

    5 years out of that, I’ve put weight on, any never looked better, so after sitting in for years after marraige broke down, I stayed in till my H left me alone completely.

    Started going out and got so much attention – because I’m happy I think, and to be honest I get more attention from younger men, but I never entertain them.
    This guy and I have a lot in common, as we work in the same age, profession, music, plus other things.

    But yeah I ‘ll go back to thinking twice before I deide on anyone and maybe not wait months I used to but perhaps more than a few weeks.

    #568546 Reply
    alia

    I think you need to stop treating this man like he is the only man in the world. He has in no way with his actions earned that honor. I think you need to have a bit more fun and you need to date other guys. See what else is out there. Sex is not be all end all, there is much more to a relationship than sex. Find other new people to spend time with and make new friends. If you spent 20 years in a bad marriage it’s only fair you start treating yourself much better. Enjoy life. You don’t owe this man anything, but you owe yourself happiness, confidence and self esteem.

    #568603 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Alia,

    Thanks for the reply, but honestly I do understand totally there is more to a relationship than sex, I mean I’m in my 50’s so have lived quite a lot.
    I know I have been naive on this subject – but I’m not totally in the closet about life.

    But yes I should start treating myself better. It’s just I didn’t see it as a f@@k buddy thing as it wasn’t discussed as anything like that. Also we went on a few dates, clubbing and meal. And his manner of showing slight jealousy when people came near me meant – to me – thats more than fb signals.

    It’s obviously what he’s resorted it to, which I’m having no game in.
    His loss, he prob thinks he has better fish to fry, but thats upto him.

    I’ve decided to stay in a few weeks and get on with my work as I have so much to do.

    p.s. Sorry everyone about all the grammer/speeling mistakes in my post last night, I was so tired of it all, but feel a little better this morning.

    #568611 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Never assume just because a man acts jealous it means anything.

    Guys are territorial by nature. Not to be crude, but it’s like a toddler with a toy. They may not really want it, but they don’t want anyone else playing with it either, in case (or for when) they want to be able to pick you up and play with you again.

    It is not a sign of anything deeper than that. Sorry

    #568616 Reply
    Amanda Rocks

    hey dont beat yourself up about this. The only thing you did wrong was expect more from someone, nothing wrong with that. I would just chalk this down to experience and all part of the new adventure that dating is. Never leave a bar with any guy for security reasons if nothing else, even with mutual friends you really dont know these days. By all means give a guy your number but not right away, tell him you will maybe see him in the bar again at some point, if thats your usual haunt. I wouldnt stop going to the bar either, why put your fun and social life on hold because of some lame guy, just get back out there and live your life. I would even try to see this guy as a potential friend he doesnt sound a bad guy, just a bit scared but its not like he was horrible to you. Just say hi and then forget about him and enjoy your night with your friends. x

    #568632 Reply
    Delta

    Hi Amanda Rocks – Thank you so much for your reply, you’ve kinda seen it as I have.

    He really isnt a bad guy, I didn’t leave the bar with him the night I met him, I knew him a few weeks before and he’s part of a group my friends connect with – not a stranger or anything.
    And as mentioned some friends did say he was a nice guy, pretty much a mans man, into his sport, and goes for meals with his grown children etc.

    I think he prob is as bad as me in understanding the rules of hook-ups and f@@k buddies too.
    But where I think he’s messed up is that – if thats what he wanted he should have found out how to go about it and been straight up first. So I am upet at that tbh.

    Phillygirl – yeah that makes sense about territorial, and your prob right.

    I think what threw me off was at the start after my first stopover – by then I’d known him 2 weeks – so not long enough really and he wanted me to stay the weekend, which I refused, he did say, we’ll do this and that etc, but I just had so much to do and wasn’t prepared for that, so went home. Thats why I suppose I’m thrown now.

    However he has cooled off and I do think as said on here, he prob thinks I’m there for when he wants – I wont be.
    I won’t lie – I fancy the hell out of him, and to be honest would love to hook up occasionally, but I think I will get attached, so I’m going to back off.

    I think I got confused more because he started to back off not long after the 2nd to last time we hooked up. That night, he was asking me – what do I do inbetween, which I thought meant – are you going with anyone else,(territorial yes?) he was also a lot more loving, stayed the night and we woke up cuddled up, and him kissing me, so I presumed he backed off because of that.
    After that when I saw him in the bar he was beaming at me and I was a little quiet, just me not knowing how to react.

    However none of this alters how he is now – the swine !! haha

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