The one that got away

It’s easy to idealize someone you never actually dated. My advice is to shift your mindset. You’re basically imagining that he’s “the one who got away” but you were never romantically involved. So you don’t know that a relationship with him would have been as wonderful as you’re fantasizing.

I find it extremely sketchy that he told you he had feelings for you while he was in a relationship with someone else! You don’t see a problem with that?

If his feelings for you were that serious he should have ended his relationship and pursued you. But he didn’t. Maybe he did evaluate his relationship and decide the woman he was dating (now married) was better for him. He definitely didn’t choose you when you told him to figure out his relationship.

So I think you should let this go. It’s all in your head. If he felt you were the one for him, he wouldn’t have married the woman he was dating– he would have ended that relationship when he realized he had feelings for you.

The good news here is that, even if one got away, there’s more than one great match per person out there! It sounds like John let himself get away without actually starting anything real, which automatically means any romantic relationship wouldn’t have worked longer-term (and didn’t). You learned something from him about what you want in a partner, and you still have the opportunity to find what you want and make it work with someone who is all in.

However. You may be dating a different “wonderful” man now, but that doesn’t make it the right relationship for you. While it does not make you a terrible person for wishing John was single, your feelings about him after all this time… may not be about him! Which is worth paying attention to. Are you under stress and looking for a fantasy distraction? As Raven asked, is your current person meeting your needs? Do you have a tendency to want people who are less available to you and not feel as strongly about partners once you’re committed and the magic has worn off? Did your dream career work out — or did it not, and you associate him with a time that felt better before you got disillusioned with your work? Whichever it is (maybe all or none of these reasons), your longing is actually not about him, it’s about you. In order to let John go and not let the idea of him keep you stuck or unhappy or even distracted from being present in your current relationship, you need to do some introspection about what’s really going on under the surface.

i think you told him to figure out his ongoing relationship first when he shared his feelings for you. did he figure those out and when things ended with that girl, did he approach you? nope. i don’t think you gave a no answer. you told him what most of us would have said when we liked a guy who was already involved with someone else.

thing is whatever there was between you guys remained uninitiated. and now he is married. you say you guys have stayed in touch. why didn’t he try approaching you again when he was single? and why didn’t you when he was single?

i think you are having these feelings bec he is no longer free. but when he was, you didn’t try to talk and neither did he about getting togther. many times things just remain as part of our fantasies and when we get real opportunities in life to bring them to fruition, we don’t. let go of these thoughts and move on cause even you guys didnt really want this to happen.

well the timings are still off. who knows what happens tomorrow. but you have to live for today and the situation is even worst now. which is that hes married. so you can think of things this way. perhaps this was just not destined. move on and live your life. without him.