The day after


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This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ali 4 months ago.

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  • #689627 Reply

    WonderWoman

    I’m back in the dating world for the first time in a long time and I’ve noticed a certain trend from guys I’ve dated (the ones who also have their own lives and aren’t overly needy that is.) In cases where I’ve gone out with a guy, had a great first date and we’ve ended with agreeing to see each other again (usually in the next week or so) the day after the date we really don’t talk. Well text and/or talk off and on on the days leading up to the date but then it’s like they need a break the day after or don’t want to show their hands or something. I always send a text the next day saying, “thanks again for the lovely time” or the like and I’ve never not gotten a reply but then that’s usually it for the next day. Is that anyone else’s experience? I’m not upset about it or anything – just trying to get into guy brain haha



    #689628 Reply

    Father Nature

    Hi WonderWoman. The policy around here is that you should not text/email the man the next day to thank him for the previous night as this makes you look needy and also men supposedly love ‘the chase’ and get turned off if a woman seems too eager.

    Oh by-the-way men do feel drained after a date because they have been putting on an act and be false is exhausting.

    #689630 Reply

    WonderWoman


    Thanks Father Nature. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I’ve only ever reached out the guy if I’ve liked him and want him to know there’s interest. I’ve been told in the past that I’m a hard read and that it doesn’t translate when I like a guy so when I do at the end of the date I always say, “I’ll shoot you a text tomorrow.” And then I send the thank you and that’s it. And that’s kind of what I was thinking re the little to no communication the next day. I’m fine with that because truthfully if I’ve just spent a night out with you I probably spent a good bit of the afternoon before picking an outfit, possibly shopping, getting ready etc and now I need the next day to do other things. It was just a trend I think I picked up on today after a fantastic first date with a new guy last night. I’m excited about this one and truth be told – if he had been all over my inbox today – I probably would not be. Thanks again!

    #689632 Reply

    Joe

    All you need to do is at the end of the date say I had a wonderful time. Then it’s up to him if or when he wants to contact you again.

    #689635 Reply

    WonderWoman


    Why? That’s really not my style. And if I play the game and do things that aren’t my style then I’m attracting a guy that isn’t compatible with the real me. It’s 2018. If I can’t thank you for a date the next day without you thinking I’m needy then it’s really not going to work.

    #689637 Reply

    Ollie

    2 of my guy friends have told me their opinion on this, and they don’t describe the day after text as needy, but they find it to feel like pressure. They see the “day after text” as the woman prompting the man to do what he already said he would do. They like confident women, but not bossy women.

    #689638 Reply

    kaye

    Men like women who are hard to read. It makes them work harder to get you. Why would you send a thank you text? Always say thank you on the date then sit back and let the man show his interest. And ignore Father Nature…he’s a bitter guy who can’t get a woman. Men aren’t drained after a date, they’re excited and can’t wait to see you again.

    #689649 Reply

    Holly

    Saying thank you sounds desperate to me. Like thank you for taking my ugly butt out in public. He should be thanking you. Get some self respect

    #689679 Reply

    WonderWoman

    He picked me up, drove, paid for drinks and a very nice dinner. If you think saying thank you is inappropriate and desperate I certainly don’t want to ever date you.

    #689682 Reply

    Joe

    You don’t get it, do you? A thank you at the end of the date is appropriate. To a man, texting the next day is like requesting a responsive compliment or hinting for another date. It shows you’re desperate and have low self esteem.

    #689684 Reply

    Algo

    You’re saying thank you to ‘father nature’ who basically said men are pretending to be interested in your persona so they’re drained after talking to you but when other (including an actual man) tell you saying thanks in the night itself is enough ans men with interest will follow up themselves, you call them rude and say you wouldn’t want to date you. Odd response to me.

    So, you want to keep sending thank you texts? Fine. But you might not get many responses back. So good luck. But I’d reconsider and listen to the posters above.

    You don’t have to listen but you came here for advice because you’re not getting the results you want. Maybe being right isn’t always more important than learning how the other gender works. Our brains aren’t wired in the same way, remember that.

    #689698 Reply

    WonderWoman

    I didn’t come here looking for advice about the “thank you” text. I feel one way. Others of you feel another way. It’s not a matter of routine for me to send such a thing but when I feel like the situation calls for it – when it’s obvious that a man really went out of his way for me and I want to make sure he realizes it was appreciative – I do. Agree to disagree. I came here noting a trend regarding communication in the day or days that follow a first date on the part of a man just wondering if anyone else noticed that too. That was clearly what my topic was about. Plain and simple.

    #689702 Reply

    Heather

    Woah woah right okay let’s clarify this a bit.
    There is nothing wrong with saying thank you at all, of course there isn’t. But you have come to this forum because what you have been doing hasn’t been receiving the results or reception that you want, so listen without getting defensive (I mean that in the nicest way possible).
    Your text at it’s core comes from a place of insecurity. If we go on dates with perfectly fine polite gentlemanly guys that we for whatever reason didn’t feel a connection with, we don’t text them because we don’t have the desire to. Then sure enough, the next day or soon after they will text you. Because the vibe you are already unconciously giving off is ‘you haven’t impressed me ‘ and that’s a challenge. They want to impress you.
    It sounds silly, but your text basically makes them drop the need to try to impress or chase you further.
    ‘Oh she’s messaged me, great there’s one thing I don’t need to do’
    ‘Oh she’s said she enjoyed the date so I don’t need to sit here wondering if she enjoyed it’.
    You are very subtley taking away the mystery that is the whole reason a guy would want a second date.
    Say thank you at the end of the date, not the day after and sit back a bit.

    #689704 Reply

    Shoshannah

    I’m not sure if that’s a trend or has it always been like this? Perhaps a bit more so nowadays when online dating and instant messaging are so available and popular. But in general, after one date people are normally far from being exclusive or boyfriend and girlfriend, sometimes even have other dates scheduled. Talking daily at this stage would simply be inadequate. I think most men, even if interested, at this stage would contact you just to schedule a next date, and maybe sent some ‘how are you’ text in between the dates. And this seems perfectly normal and fine to me (although I know some women would prefer more texting). I hope that helps and good luck with this guy that you like!

    #689707 Reply

    peggy

    Wonderwoman,do what you will do… But while thanking the guy at the end of the date is polite/right-the thank-you text later or the next guy is largely a turn-off. In a book by dating coach Rachael Greenwald she talks abut this. She interviewed over 1000 guys about this and other things. The majority of guys said the thank-you text seemed pushy/needy. The guy wants to have a bit of mystery/chase.
    Another example was a guy that was on a second date with a woman he was quite interested in. At one point in the date,she wrapped her arms around him and said ” I really,really like you”. He said it took the “wind out of his sails”. He never asked her out again and she likely wondered what happened. LET THE GUY LEAD-if he doesn’t-he is not very interested,so moa.

    #689711 Reply

    Khadija

    If you thank and guy at the end of a date I see not reason to reach out the next day with a thank you text.

    I think you are hoping for another date and sending the text the next day is like a reminder.

    When a guy wants to see you again he will reach out no reminder needed.

    #689734 Reply

    Wallie

    As you say you are back in the dating world after a long time out of it, then it might be in your best interest to reconsider how you roll. Unless you are getting plenty of interest from the men you want to hear from, in which case I”m not sure you’d be posting here. Why do you feel there should be ANY communication the day after the first date? If it went well and he asked you if you’d like to see him again, then if I were me I would just say yes and let him contact me.

    You thanked him at the end of the date already – please help us understand why you feel the need to text the very next day and say it again, before he contacts you? I’m genuinely curious as to your reasoning for that.

    #689742 Reply

    kaye

    Ok to answer your question directly…. No it’s not my experience that the guy doesn’t text the day after a date. But then I don’t send the “thanks again text” and beat him to the punch. I make him initiate and 99% of the time he does even if I wasn’t really interested in hearing back from him. People are telling you that guys see this as you initiating, fishing for another date, you showing interest in seeing him again so he doesn’t have to work as hard. It also comes across like you are desperate for him to ask you out again and you don’t have any other guy interested. Why don’t you get that? You’ve just gotten back in the dating world so you have a lot to learn and your defensive and rude attitude isn’t going to help you.

    #689745 Reply

    Hannah

    Some men see a thank you text as a not so subtle hint you want them to ask you out on another date. It makes them feel pressured and you’re not the kind of woman that will give them space. Let him text first.

    #689760 Reply

    Emma

    Look, what’s the urge to thank him for the date? My HB and his 4 buddies all unanimously agree that it is a turn off. I agree with them as well.

    Suppose you can argue the point that it is not a turn off, but if there is a CHANCE for it to be a turn off, then why do it? what’s the urge? I don’t understand. Do you just need to have an upper hand and win an argument or do you want to maximize your chances with men, with a broad range of men, so that you can go on a second date with him and see if there is compatibility. You can’t decide on compatibility on the first date but you can certainly turn them off and make them NOT want to invite you again.

    You can maybe send a text saying I had a great time, but why thank him for that? He is not providing a service to you, you both had a great time. You can thank him for paying for dinner right after the date, in person. But a follow up thank you note is NOT needed. And for many men, it is a turn off.

    I saw women sending men flowers to work. And I saw how embarrassed those guys were. It may be pleasant if you live together, you know your man likes flowers and you buy him a nice bouquet. But turning things upside down in public can backfire, chances are very high that he’d react differently than you expect, so why, why risk it?

    I am quite surprised at why do women need to argue instead of simply not risking anything. Try not thanking men and see what happens, just try.

    #689769 Reply

    Caroline

    Here’s what my Gramma JoJo said about this texting thank you the day after a first date.

    “All this electronic communication has made it too easy to say too much at the wrong time. Would you write the boy a thank you note and mail it the day after a first date? Heck no. It would be a very strange thing to do – not seen as polite, but as overly eager and not very ladylike. That’s a girl who is taking away a boy’s job, which is to court her. Why do girls these days insist on taking the boys’ jobs? They don’t like things they get too easily. They like to slay dragons for the girls they love. Just let them contact you after a first date!”

    I too thought, well I’m just being polite and letting him know I’m interested, in case he’s wondering if he should ask me out again. And hey, it’s modern times and I’m a liberated woman! I can contact a guy, it’s not going to hurt anything. But I stopped texting guys after dates once I got this perspective from Gramma and found myself a lot more popular. You are most attractive when you aren’t monitoring the phone and hanging on their every word and constantly wondering, does he like me, does he like me? Better question is, do I like him.

    #689790 Reply

    Heather

    Caroline, your Gramma JoJo is a hero!

    So true about electronic communication, the amount of friends I have who moan about recurring problems in their relationships due to Facebook or Snapchat. Or people agonising about when a guy was last active on Whatsapp. Absolute madness.

    #689815 Reply

    Caroline

    She sure is @Heather! She gave me advice I ignored for the longest time, but when she said that bit about, would you write a thank you note and mail it, something hit home and finally I got what she meant. The quality of guys I’m dating has gone up like you wouldn’t believe since I decided to just go have a good time and evaluate if they were up to scratch to my standards and not the other way around. I have a good date and just keep going with my life. If they call, great. If they don’t, never mind. They almost always do, I think because I’m relaxed and smiling and just there to get to know them a little.

    #689816 Reply

    Ali


    I’m gonna stick to your question:

    Yes, it’s somewhat common for guys to take a little space after togetherness. PLUS they are ALSO reading dumb dating sites about how to “up their game” etc and know that women are driven crazy by waiting. Told to play it cool.

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