Texts me everyday but is hot and cold. Am I a backup?


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  • #394555 Reply
    Kaila

    I have known this guy for about 3-4 months and ever since we met we have been texting everyday. To keep this short, I will just list his hot and cold moments

    Hot
    – texts everyday
    – told me that he liked me (a month ago)
    – compliments me sometimes
    – holds my hand or touches me when we’re together
    – went to his place 2 times. no hookups just cuddled

    Cold
    – doesn’t ask much about me
    – doesn’t reveal much about himself
    – doesn’t initiate meeting up. will see each other 2-3 times a month
    – always says that i make him nervous
    – his texts are getting shorter

    I got tired of his hot and cold-ness so I tried backing off with the texts once. He then invited me out for drinks because I was acting distant. I told him how I was unsure about how he felt and reassured me that he did. (again, this was a month ago)
    Not sure if I should just move on or just let things go with the flow.

    There are two other guys pursuing me and they make it very clear that they want to be with me even though they don’t constantly text me (always try to figure out when i am available to see them next) This is why I am so confused with this guy. Is he just really insecure? (he is somewhat shy) or is he getting bored and too nice to stop texting? or is he looking around for other options?

    Any suggestions would be appreciated!

    #394560 Reply
    Kaila

    b

    #394573 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Men are very clear when they pursue you. If you are getting mixed signals then the man is mixed. A man shows how he feels by his actions – not his words. Texting is not enough…those are words.

    #394577 Reply
    M

    texting is even less than words. He doesn’t even take the time to have a conversation. What matters, as redcurlysue said, are his actions… arranging dates, taking you out, opening the door, paying, asking you to be his girlfriend, etc

    #394578 Reply
    M

    don’t make excuses for a shy guy. Even if that is part of the reason, if you chase him, he will not value you. Some shy guys manipulate women into chasing them… but do not fall for that, because you will not be happy with a man you have to chase. Believe me… been there, done that. If he is too shy to step up, he’s either not into you enough, or not man enough. Regardless, throw him back in the pond.

    #394583 Reply
    Kaila

    Thanks guys. It is pretty much what I predicted. Its annoying how guys pursue you once you start to distance yourself. Should I take him up on his offer if he asks me out again?

    #394607 Reply
    greenbush

    Maybe give him once more chance? Maybe he is just really shy!

    #394613 Reply
    M

    Why are you so much more interested in this guy than the other two? Maybe it’s because of the hot/cold?

    #394616 Reply
    Kaila

    Thank you!
    M- It could be because of the hot/cold. Not knowing how a guy feels kind of drives me nuts. ALso could be because I have known this guy longer than the others

    #394632 Reply
    Maria

    Sorry to say this Kaila, but this guy doesn’t sound good at all. If a guy really is interested, he will show it. It’s really simple as that.

    I too tend to go for guys who are somehow not available to me. It’s habit I’m trying to break now and I’m figuring out what it is that I find so attractive in these hot/cold guys. I think it would do you a lot of good to think about it too. Honestly, are you afraid of rejection? Rejection is somewhat easier to handle if in the end you can just say well, that was never meant to be and the guy is a jerk who treated me badly. Or have you been hurt in the past so that it’s hard for you to truly give 100% of yourself? With hot/cold guys you never do that (even if you are really infatuated) because you have all these doubts right from the start. Whatever the reason is, try to get grasp of it and let go of any patterns that sabotage your relationship. And in the meantime, give the other two guys a chance! :)

    #394650 Reply
    Kaila

    Thank you for your input Maria :D This guy does initiate texts so I always get mixed up and think that he is actually interested…so will try to break my pattern by only responding to him with one text a day.

    He knows I am seeing other guys..so I thought that he would step up the moment he knew. Then complains that I never tell him when I’m available

    I would ignore him, but I’d rather stay on good terms with someone especially if there is a possibility of me running into him (small town)

    I’ll just try to ease out of this and in the meantime see the other guys!

    #394652 Reply
    Maria

    Ummm okay… Well, first of all initiating texts doesn’t really mean much. Like M said, true interest is in arranging dates, taking you out, acting considerate in person etc. Texting creates a false sense of attachment and guys KNOW that! Any player will text you “enough” to keep you hooked (not saying this guy necessarily is a player, but just for you to get the point).

    Second, why did you tell him you’re seeing other guys? To push him into committing to you? I’m sorry to say this but that’s a huge red flag for guys and manipulative on your side. Yes you need to have the “prize mentality” everyone is talking about on ANM but it doesn’t mean explicitly telling him. That will just come off needy and push him even further. And if he really is shy, did you really thinking saying he’s got competition was going to help? :)

    The thing I’m most worried about it that he doesn’t really show interest in you or share much about himself. Every time that has happened to me it has meant baggage he hasn’t dealt with – LOTS of it! A guy who is centered in his life, has his shit together AND is interested in you will be open. He welcomes you to his life and is willing to enter yours too. This guy doesn’t seem to be doing that for you.

    So, what I would do it stop texting. Don’t banter, only use texting to set up dates etc. (“for logistical purposes” is the term Stefanie here uses). Then focus on your time together. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know if the connection is there. And needless to say, keep seeing those others guys too but do NOT mention them to this guy. Good luck and keep us posted!

    #394655 Reply
    Kaila

    Maria & everyone else,

    Thanks for confirming what I was worried about for awhile. I think I see the situation pretty clearly now. Thank you for the lengthy input!

    I didn’t tell him that I was seeing other guys. He figured it out on his own because there was one guy that happened to work in the same office (again, small town) but I only saw that guy once. He jokingly told me how i was breaking his heart so I was pretty open when he asked me about seeing this other guy, saying that we just had a couple drinks and haven’t seen him since.

    Like advised, I will only text him for logistical purposes now. What great advice! :D

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