This topic contains 27 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Raven 2 months, 1 week ago.
January 5, 2018 at 5:11 pm #677098
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for around 8 months. I’m enjoying things except for some of his texting habits. Whenever I ask him if he would like to hang out during the weekend, he usually replies quickly or within 2 hours or so. But recently sometimes he takes over day, almost 2 to reply (I usually ask Wednesday or Thursday). This has happened twice in the past 3 weeks, he didn’t do this before. I know it’s just texting, so I’m not sure if I should say something?
He also doesn’t really keep in touch between dates-really just to make plans or the occasionally funny picture. . I don’t like texting for the most past so I’m fine with that but it just feels like I wait quite awhile before hearing from him if that makes sense. We also see each other 1-3 times a week depending on work schedules, so I guess it just doesn’t feel like a lot. I’ve brought up “why doesn’t he text me more” convo (said in that way which I now realize isn’t the best) before. He listened but didn’t do anything about it.
January 5, 2018 at 5:26 pm #677103
Hi-you already brought it up and got no response. Assuming you feel good about everything else ( though not sure you do?)I would drop this and chalk it up to who he is.January 5, 2018 at 5:28 pm #677104
Then don’t ask for a while and let him reach out.
If he doesn’t ask to hang out schedule something else to do.
The last thing you want to get in the habit of is waiting around. You’ll become resentful and it will show him that you will wait around until he has time for you. Both are not good.January 5, 2018 at 6:45 pm #677111
Why are you asking him out instead of him asking you? This is far more worrying from a relationship standpoint than him not texting that much.January 5, 2018 at 7:09 pm #677112
Thank you for the replies.
I’d say now it’s about 50/50 initiation. I let him do most of it at the beginning.
I don’t think he’ll ask me to hang out so not sure if I can use the I’m not available thing (I don’t wait on him). Is there a good way to confront him without putting him on the defensive? I thinks it’s unacceptable to treat your gf this way…January 5, 2018 at 7:52 pm #677116
Stop trying to make him the center of your world! Sometimes you do things together, sometimes you do things on your own; there needs to be a good balance—not too little, not too much.
Do you HAVE TO spend every weekend with him? Can’t you go hang out with your friends, family or engage in a hobby/activity? Maybe he needs to wonder what your up to because you have so many cool things to do other than hang out with him all the time. Maybe the relationship is getting stagnant?January 5, 2018 at 8:01 pm #677118
Thank you, Lane.
That’s the thing though-I leave him alone for most of the time. Usually we only meet once or twice a week, with sometimes three. We have seen each other every weekend though for past 2/3 months straight, minus the holiday week. We have also not seen each other some weeks/not every weekend. Whenever we do meet on weekends, it’s for one day and the other day we meet with our other friends. I’m ok not seeing him, but him not responding bothers me.January 5, 2018 at 8:03 pm #677119
From experience, it sounds as though you have fell into the your life evolves around him…. Are you still hanging out with friends? Do you still have a life outside of him?? You have to keep living your life individually, because if you don’t you will come off needy, trust me and you don’t want that. When you act nonchalant is when he will start to pay attention. Hope what I said makes sense and helps.January 5, 2018 at 8:04 pm #677120
Oh-Lane I think you’re right that it’s been getting stagnant though.January 5, 2018 at 8:08 pm #677121
Thank you, Renna.
Yea I’ve been doing my own things for the most part.
My previous comment was meant to say we hang out one day of the weekend together only. We don’t see each other on the other day/two days.January 5, 2018 at 8:51 pm #677122
What do you do when your together? Is the same old thing or do you get out and about and do things with a group of friends too?
One thing I have to say about my (now ex) husband is that we did things together (golfed, shot darts, softball, etc); did some things apart; hung out with a group of friends (mainly married couples); and when the kids came along things for them too—we mixed it up all the time so there was very little boredom. When he was deployed or TDY (in the military) I was independent enough to still do the things I liked and keep the kids entertained until he returned.
My current BF and I are the same way; we like to get out and play pool, darts, golf (+ miniature), exploring, trips, etc. and rarely stay in as that can get boring pretty quick. All I’m saying is maybe its become too vanilla?
Don’t ask a BF if he wants to ‘hang out’ as its like asking “would you like to do some laundry”. Men are the action orientated specie so think of something he’s said he would like to do, say jump out of a plane (parachuting) and go do it together. While there tell him you’d like to start a bucket list and plan the next activity in person, not by text, while also taking into consideration obligations (weddings, birthdays, etc.) and possibly intertwining some friends too, like a weekend camping trip.January 6, 2018 at 12:59 am #677147
Quite honestly, I would want more from a boyfriend than this too. But he is who he is. Talking won’t change that. You either have to accept him for who he is or walk and find someone who’s more into you and wants to spend more time with you.
If you want to catry on with him, stop asking him to spend time with you. If he doesn’t ask to see you, do something else. If he hasn’t arranged to see you in advance, don’t see him. He’ll soon get the idea he has to make the effort or you won’t be available. If he still doesn’t make the effort, you know he’s not that bothered if he sees you or not.January 6, 2018 at 2:30 am #677149
It sounds like he is waiting until the last minute to make plans and he’s learned to put off texting. This may just be who he is… or he feels like he knows your schedule and hanging out has been routine enough that the messaging before is just a formality.
A few things you can try.
– A passive approach is to just be busy. If you are a person who is naturally busy on Saturday, this can work well. But he may or may not get the “message,” and it skirts into playing a game with him. What if you aren’t busy? What if he replies back to suggest Sunday instead? Most of all, it does nothing to ease your frustration, especially if he doesn’t understand that there’s an issue to begin with.
– Setting firm plans might encourage a reply. “Hanging out” implies a lack of plan. You can hang out any day or time. So if are busy Saturday, the natural response I would expect would be “cool, how about Sunday then?” However, like the example of parachuting, if you ask him to do that, that requires a response because it’s something you have to plan for. Even something simple like “you want to see X-movie at X time?” encourages a reply.
– You can stop initiating making plans. At the point, I don’t think it’s bad that you are making plans some of the time, but if the lack of reply is causing frustration… stop. You won’t have to wait for a reply anymore and you can see if he will step up and make plans.
– Finally, you could talk with him. This is different than your “you don’t text enough” convo, because that’s not really the issue, right? It’s that he doesn’t reply and you don’t get plans set. You can explain why it’s important to you to set plans in advanced. Alternatively, you could phrase it as a question why he doesn’t reply (IF that can be said non-accusatory. I don’t think there is a good reason why he doesn’t reply but who knows? maybe he prefers making plans on Friday and if so, at least you can have a starting point going forward or something to compromise.) Somewhat more passively, you could wait until he replies quickly and tell him you appreciate that (but like all passive moves, he may not understand what not replying means). Or you could try a mix of those things.January 6, 2018 at 5:36 am #677155
“We also see each other 1-3 times a week depending on work schedules, so I guess it just doesn’t feel like a lot.”
This is enough togetherness for most guys because they also need time to themselves. After all, you’re not married. Stop being so needy and stop asking to hang out.January 6, 2018 at 1:45 pm #677241
Women tend to go in denial and when this happens they try to encapsulate the problem as “not texting enough” whereas issues are usually deeper than that and will not get fixed by a more frequent texting. Think about your situation, maybe it be the case for you?
You feel you don’t get enough attention from your BF, I would feel the same way. If you do not text a lot, but he still takes 1-2 days to reply it is a bit neglectful, but it depends on what you are texting about. Something that does require attention or one of those “look there is snow” type of things.
Seeing each other twice a week is good enough but if you have to initiate and plan your dates and he does things in the last moment without any care or preparation, it is understandable you won’t feel good. “Hanging out” is for teenagers. Adults get together to do things, to enjoy something, to eat, to watch a movie, etc. If you have to plan all this and keep waiting on his replies for 1-2 days I am not surprised at all at how you feel.
Assuming you are being fair, then I’d say why are oyu with this guy? At 8 months you should know if he is a HB material or not. is he the “one” for you? LOL I have a feeling he is not, then do not waste your time and emotions on him. I am not saying break up, but I am saying de-focus from him and start thinking about YOUR future. If he does not fit in there, then pull away and keep him as a casual BF. LOL Something he seems to be doing to you.January 6, 2018 at 1:59 pm #677243
I agree Emma.. I think women should keep all of these men who aren’t exactly stepping up to the plate as casual boyfriends if they don’t want to break up. And then keep looking for a man who is a better match.
That’s what I do when a man isn’t a great match for me. You still get to go out with a companion, get companionship, and maybe sex(if you can do it without getting too attached). I know that’s hard to do, but if you realize the guy may not be the one you are ultimately looking for.. Then try to put up that roadblock in your mind and you may be able to do it.
This advice is for women who don’t feel like the have to find “the one” right away.January 6, 2018 at 2:16 pm #677244
Thank you for the replies!
We don’t meet last minute-usually a date is set up 2 days in advance. Most are proper dates. He’s never canceled on me. Usually we don’t talk unless it’s in person with just quick logistical texts (ie make plans). I’m quite independent, but I’m starting to feel that at 8months it should a little bit more? I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I am noting if we are compatible. I like him a lot but I think I need to feel more seriousness from him? Also, there’s a pretty good chance we might not end up together- we live in the same city now, but I am applying to graduate schools and the ones I really want/have a chance of getting accepted are in areas he cannot work in (he can only work in 2 cities). I don’t know if that has affected anything.
I haven’t been that much fun the past few months (working overtime a ton)- I’ll try to be more fun. But also, if he does not want to meet I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s the fact I don’t get a response! I sent that text asking if he wants to get meet up this weekend on Thursday evening, it’s now Saturday and nothing. Isn’t that rude?January 6, 2018 at 2:36 pm #677247
Sorry I used the wrong handle on my previous comment! I was reading older postsJanuary 6, 2018 at 3:13 pm #677248
Wow you sent a text Thursday about getting together on the weekend, and it’s Saturday and he hasn’t replied? This guy is supposed to be your bf? No way would I deal with this. Yes, it is beyond rude to ignore your gf. I would tell him I can’t handle being ignored any longer. Say that you don’t need to hang out but being ignored is unacceptable. It takes 2 seconds to reply even with “I’m not sure.” If he doesn’t improve this asap I would walk away. I can’t imagine he would treat you well long-term if he acts like this is normal.January 6, 2018 at 4:44 pm #677264
Thank you, Amanda. I agree.
He just texted me- saying he is free. I guess maybe he was waiting to see if he could see me this weekend. I have plans, but I’ll say something in person.
I will definitely implement the advice here though. Thank you so much everyone!January 6, 2018 at 9:11 pm #677300
T from NY
Um. If a guy I was seeing for months didn’t reply to me for days — oh hell no he wouldn’t have the privelage of calling me his girlfriend. It sounds to me like he waits to see what his other plans are and then fits you in around them. And better yet — doesn’t even communicate with you while he’s doing it!!
Wouldn’t work for me. At all.January 6, 2018 at 9:34 pm #677306
This has happened to me literally same exact thing. But this is just the way that my boyfriend is… he doesnt like to communicate over the phone. Usually we just call each other though. It is disrespectful when you ask him a question and he doesnt reply… that seems rather odd. But its weird same thing has happened to me!January 6, 2018 at 11:21 pm #677316
Thank you for the replies. Yea it does irritate me. Not texting for days seems to be an upcoming trend- some of my close friends have started doing it too. For them, I know they are just tired and busy/forget to get back to people. I’ve seen people post memes and such about it but I think a couple days is too long for someone you’re dating.January 7, 2018 at 12:40 am #677323
What is wrong is ignoring your request to see him, so he can make other plans first and use you as a backup! If you are in a relationship he should be going out of his way to include you in his life…January 7, 2018 at 3:46 pm #677414
Thank you, Amanda! You’re right. It makes sense he might have taken time to respond to see if he didn’t have other plans. He used to included me in everything, but I told him I don’t want to go out (I’m really stressed with work and applications the past couple months). So I’m not holding that against him or anything, it’s just the fact that we don’t see each other/talk that often and then to not respond for two days, kind of feels a bit too casual for 8 months.