This topic contains 54 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Pandora 6 months, 1 week ago.
July 17, 2017 at 11:38 am #641802
Hi, first time poster here…I just wanted to get some feedback on my boyfriend’s texting behavior. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but its been a problem for me for a while now and I have told him this and he doesn’t change anything. He says that his phone is his privacy. These are the things that bug me about the situation…
1. His phone is password protected, my phone is not.
2. He takes the phone with him everywhere he goes, including the restroom during showers, etc., basically he never leaves it out of his sight.
3. I’ve never gone through his phone or even been able to use it for any reason, if he wants to show me something he will screen shot it and send it to my phone instead of simply showing me it on his.
4. He uses my phone whenever he wants to, I have NOTHING to hide.
5. If he’s laying on the couch and I sit in the chair nearest his head, he will move to the opposite end of the couch and resume his phone play.
6. He is constantly on the phone texting.
7. He purposely moves away from me so that I cannot see the screen of his phone at any time.
Whenever I have seen a peek of the phone screen, I have seen what looked like kissy face emoji’s and when I asked him about it he basically said I was crazy.
How would you go about discussing this situation with your partner. I don’t want to accuse, but it really bothers me the way he behaves with his phone.July 17, 2017 at 11:40 am #641803
No you’re not being too sensitive. I keep my phone locked and many people do, but the other things you list are worrying. How long have you been together? Are you in a properly commited relationship?July 17, 2017 at 11:43 am #641805
Lock down your phone.July 17, 2017 at 11:47 am #641808
You have all reasons to be concerned. I have a password on my phone but all the other things you mentioned are glaring signs he is hiding things from you. Trust your judgement and your gut, do not try to be a cool girl. You need to find out what’s going on. Chances are very high he is taking you for a fool big time.July 17, 2017 at 11:48 am #641810
You are not overreacting. While everyone is entitled to their privacy, he is being extreme. For me, personally, I want to be with someone who is transparent and interested in making sure I do not feel threatened or like a third wheel to his phone.
So I would definitely talk to him. Use a lot of “I feel” statements maybe in the moment. So when he moves on the couch, you could say, “I feel like I am intruding when I come near you and then you move while on the phone. Is me interpreting that as you not wanting me to see what you’re up to correct?”
Good luck!July 17, 2017 at 11:53 am #641812
Also, I want to add that if he gets defensive you have your answer and I wouldn’t even waste any more energy on trying to prove he’s up to no good. I’d break up and move on to someone who won’t make you feel insecure like that.July 17, 2017 at 11:56 am #641813
We have been together for over 3 years and we live together. We are both mid 30’s. I have thought about putting a lock on my phone, but I feel like that’s being a bit immature and petty. I want him to be transparent, not give him more a reason to continue being what I believe is secretive. I’m just not sure how to start the conversation without him feeling like I’m accusing him.July 17, 2017 at 11:58 am #641814
How long have you been dating?
I think the important thing here is that you don’t trust him. Yes, his behavior with the phone is shady, but the bottom line is he has told you his phone is private. This is who he is and trying to get him to change his phone behavior won’t work and it won’t change who he is, the deeper issue.
It sounds like you need to be with someone more open. This guy is not it, whether he’s up to no good or not.July 17, 2017 at 12:00 pm #641816
Has he always been this way with his phone, for the last 3 years, or is it new behavior?
Are there other things he does that cause you to think he’s hiding things?July 17, 2017 at 12:02 pm #641817
T from NY
I’ve heard the accusation that women on this site tend to jump to the conclusion of telling posters to dump the guy too often — but I can tell you this — I would not be with a man that acted like this. My ex and I both had passwords on our phones. But we knew them. Mine was his birthday and his was my birthday. Trust flourishes with transparency. You are completely justified to feel upset and suspicious.
Of course hes hiding… something. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck — its probably a damn duck.July 17, 2017 at 12:07 pm #641818
Yes, he’s always been somewhat secretive with the phone although it seems like it has gotten even more so in the last 6 months or so.
There are things, but they are slight and not really worth mentioning, I look past them because I have no proof and so I chose not to worry about them. We have a wonderful relationship in all other aspects…just this one thing has bothered me, and its getting worse the more secretive he becomes.July 17, 2017 at 12:14 pm #641819
This behavior is shouting out loud telling you that hey I am texting other chicks. Come one going to the extreme of changing his direction so you can’t see his screen is a story of its own. How can you accept this kind of a behavior? Next time he hides his phone from you and you guys are sitting together just say oh my phone battery is dead I need to search something can I have your phone. if he denies it just confront him. Say how can it be that I am so open with my phone and you’ve to hide it. not that I am going to go through your texts or anything. i am sure there’s something going on otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared to give me your phone. Honesty is the best policy and say what you think. In this case you would lose on both ends. You are losing your BF if he is chatting with other girls and if you find out you will lose him . You don’t have a win win situation here.July 17, 2017 at 12:16 pm #641820
I would find a time when he’s acting secretive and texting on the phone. I would sit directly next to him and look over his shoulder. If he’s fine with that, you don’t have a prpblem.
If he moves away or stops what he’s doing, I would ask him what he’s doing and why it’s a problem for you to see.
If he’s vague, gets angry or tries to change the subject, I would insist on seeing. It’s not accusing him of anything, it’s just reacting to him acting shady. If he asks why you want to see, be honest and tell him his secretive behaviour has you worried. You want to know what he does on his phone. Then check the whole thing…texts, emails, social media, internet history, see if he’s looking at anything in secret mode, etc.
This is how my friend found out her husband was having a 3 year affair. By insisting on seeing his phone.
I think you have every right to ask if you’re commited and living together. It’s better to confront this issue than let it way eat away at you.
You can always apologise profusely amd accept you were wrong if there’s nothing on there.July 17, 2017 at 12:16 pm #641821
Yeah, I don’t think locking up your phone will have much of an effect. Plus, as you say, it is an immature reaction.
Being together three years warrants an open conversation, but I agree that you can’t expect him to change. My ex husband of 11 years became super secretive over time. As it turned out he was a 39 yo man having a relationship with a 25 yo. I wish I had stood up to him sooner. I don’t think our relationship could have been saved, but I do think that I could have saved myself from having a diminished self-esteem for so long.
I think women should make protecting their self esteem a high priority. Of course we don’t want to call men out for every little slight, but something like this over time can make one feel unimportant or like you should be worrying.July 17, 2017 at 12:17 pm #641822
Thank you T…I just wanted to get a few somewhat unbiased opinions of the situation. I wish I could make him understand how his behavior makes me feel. I agree, we all need our privacy. He was raised in a home that his mother did not touch his fathers wallet and his father did not touch his mothers purse – which to me translated to modern times would be the equivalent to cell phones.July 17, 2017 at 12:22 pm #641824
Yes Georgia, I agree…it makes me feel very unimportant. Especially when he goes off for a weekend with his guys and the first thing he does when he comes home is lay on the couch and get on the phone.July 17, 2017 at 1:06 pm #641830
Hi-I am paying attention to the fact that he seems to be on his phone 24é7-even with you. That is plain rude and dismissive. I would be fed up with the secrecy too. I would flat out tell him that his behavior seems shady and ask him about it. I think if he wonèt explain or show you his phone-I would tell him that is a dealbreaker…July 17, 2017 at 1:06 pm #641831
24/7July 17, 2017 at 1:18 pm #641837
I agree with Peggy. We are only guessing what he is doing on his phone. I assume he has fb, snap, email, internet, games, texting, etc.
The question is this. Is he simply addicted to the virtual world at the expense of spending time with you in the real world? I know plenty of people who can’t put their phone down for 10 minutes without having their nose in it. Annoys the hell out of me watching people driving cars and looking at their phones! Facebook updates are apparently more important than killing someone. But that is the side of extreme you see all the time. Just go anywhere and you will see people who have no idea where they even are they are so wrapped up in what’s on the phone.
So he is that type of guy?
Or, is he really using it to emotionally cheat with other women?
Neither are great. But in the first scenario, you might be able to get him to realize how his inattention to real life is damaging to your relationship.
If he’s cheating.. that’s a whole other ball of wax. Why don’t you ask him what he does on the phone all the time.July 17, 2017 at 1:44 pm #641848
I’d say lock your phone and START TEXTING TOO…Watch the tables turn! he will definitely start being suspicious of you…then say, “how do you like it’
He’s definitely seeing someone. Ive dated men who were cheating on me and they at least had the sense to keep me from suspecting becuse they’d leave their phone out, but on airplane mode. Or they’d keep the ringer off, and the woman they were seeing would call but the phone number on the screen didn’t have a name attached. there are ways to make you feel secure while still cheating. He’s not very smart.
Has he ever taken a phone call with you there? Next time he’s texting knock the phone out his hand. I did that once and the reaction i got told me everything. Then again I’m from Brooklyn, so I don’t have time to waste on wondering whether he;s with someone or not…July 17, 2017 at 1:52 pm #641854
Neither of us have Facebook, he’s not into social media. I have Instagram and that’s it. He does play Clash of Clans or something or other…I can tell when he’s playing and when he’s texting. he does a lot of both honestly. If I ask who he’s texting, he always says it’s one of his male friends, but he never offers to show me or anything.July 17, 2017 at 1:59 pm #641859
Tina – Just to clarify…are you suggesting I should text a male friend or just whoever to get his suspicious?
He NEVER has his ringer on, I couldn’t even tell you what the ring tone is on his phone! He does take calls in front of me. When we’re in the truck together, he keeps it between his legs.July 17, 2017 at 2:02 pm #641860
He is either seeing someone else or has lots of virtual affairs. He might be one of those guys that is obsessed with online dating and only talks and never acts. That is obviously still not okay. Something is wrong, and you need to demand to find out what it is.July 17, 2017 at 2:04 pm #641862
I would not find it strange for a person to have their phone password protected, nor even if they were glued to it 24/7 (though I would think it was a bit rude).
The other things though such as never showing you the screen and purposefully moving away from you are some major red flags and after being together for three years and living together, I wouldn’t even skirt the issue. That’s ground for some direct conversation.
After three years, don’t stress yourself with looking “cool”. This is the time when major incompatibilities start becoming undeniably clear and it’s either safe to give things the go ahead as they are, or call it quits and start over. Ask yourself if he continues on like this, can you be happy for the rest of your life? If the answer is “No”, it’s time to find a man a bit more open with his privacy.July 17, 2017 at 2:04 pm #641863
This is not “just one thing”, you chose to be in denial because you understand that the truth might mean you’d have to break up, move out etc, and you are in your mid 30s. But the fact is that if you don’t do it now, you might have to face the music even later, 1-3-5 years later when you’d be nearly 40.
I won’t worry about “I feel” statements, I’d do what Hannah said exactly.