This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sara 7 months, 4 weeks ago.
March 20, 2017 at 8:25 pm #612719
I have been seeing this guy for almost 2 months. We see each once a week and text a few times a week. We’re not exclusive, we haven’t had a conversation about that. We are sleeping together. I don’t really know how he feels about me. He has told me that he has a hard time expressing his feelings and I am sort of the same way, but am working on that with a therapist. He has also mentioned that he is guarded and I can honestly say I am too. When we are together we can talk for HOURS on end about deep and not deep things. I feel my guardedness has prevented me from me totally being me and expressing myself to him. Would it be a bad idea if I expressed that to him…just be honest and tell him that I have been a bit guarded and I want to be more honest with my feelings about him or whatever I am thinking? I mean just typing that seems scary and probably not a great idea. I would like to see him more often. He did tell him that he’s not looking for a casual relationship and he wants to get married and have kids, but I would like to know what he is short term relationship goals are and if he’s able to give more. Do I just hold off and continue to mirror his actions and step back a bit. I know he’s been working long hours and he has said that he is tired after work and sometimes when he has plans with friends he cancels because he’s so tired. He only likes to make plans not so in advance. I know if a guy really is interested in me he would want to see me more often regardless of how tired he is or whatever is going on in his schedule. Would love some advice.March 20, 2017 at 8:35 pm #612723
I should say that when we do see each other it’s not for like 1-2 hours we usually spend copious amounts of time together. Like all day. Not this past weekend, but the weekend before he came over on Friday night and didn’t go home till Sunday after breakfast. He’s only slept over that time and once before during the week.March 20, 2017 at 9:17 pm #612738
He has not yet done enough to show he deserves your full heart. Don’t give it to him until the relationship is in line with your long term goals. Enjoy his company while you are in it, and live a full life without him when he’s not around.
There is nothing you should tell him regarding where you want this relationship to go. If you are in a moment in which you are enjoying his company or something about him, express the appreciation of the moment. This relationship has not progressed enough to give him more than that. Let him lead you two the next level. If you get tired of waiting for him to do so, dump him and move on.March 20, 2017 at 9:31 pm #612742
Thanks Ollie. That’s exactly what I knew I should do. Just keep mirroring him and letting him lead. I agree he hasn’t done enough and I guess at some point I have to decide whether or not I should stick around. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who isn’t interested in pursuing something with me. I am willing to give it a little more time, but then I am going to have to move on. I am still swiping and all that so I am not investing totally in him until he shows me I should. I will enjoy my time with him and just follow his lead.March 21, 2017 at 12:51 pm #612880
So based on his “pattern” he usually texts me once ever 2 days or so. We haven’t spoken since he left my place Saturday night. I understand that he’s not that invested in me and whatever, but just making sure I shouldn’t text. I am keeping busy and trying my best not to feel the anxiety. My plan is just to say something like “I am so glad you texted, it’s always so great to hear from you” if I hear from him at some point. Just to encourage behaviors I want…instead of being like I need/want you to text me blah blah. Thoughts?March 21, 2017 at 12:58 pm #612885
I would keep it even simpler than that with a simple “Great to hear from you.” All of your suggestion reads a little too eager. Keep it simple. And no, I wouldn’t text. Also, if you are seeing other people, then you are not really “waiting” on him. You are keeping your options open. Who knows, you could end up meeting another guy who is a little clearer or communicates more in the way you expect.
But keep in mind, while yes, a guy who is really into you will WANT to see you more, sometimes we decide we want to see more of them BEFORE they decide they want to see more of us. And maybe he is just fine with the frequency of commmunication and dates and that’s exactly how he likes things.March 21, 2017 at 1:01 pm #612886
Thanks Carlotta! I agree he may content with how things are going for now or forever. I just got to keep doing me and not worry so much!March 22, 2017 at 8:19 pm #613286
UPDATE: So I haven’t initiated any contact since the guy I was dating left my apartment on Saturday night. I haven’t heard from him either. I assume he’s ghosting me, but couldn’t he assume that I am ghosting him too?March 22, 2017 at 8:40 pm #613289
He left YOUR apartment, he was your guest, it is his “turn” to text. Stay put. He will contact you again. If a week goes by without a note from him, move on. And don’t take him back when he asks. I think he might be manipulating you, into going after him. He knows for sure how you feel, any man would.March 22, 2017 at 8:47 pm #613290
There’s nothing wrong with a ‘check in’ here and there to fill the space as he may Think your not interested. An easy breezy ‘hope your day is going well! 😄” is sufficient to show your still interested without being over interested (planning dates).
I admiringly am very busy (own a business) that consumes my time and can be overly myopic to the point they think I’m not interested. One guy I was dating started to fade and so I texted him “are you alive?” And he sprang forward and picked right back up as I gave him the cue to proceed.
Just do a feeler and if he responds and picks back up then go with it, if not, delete and move on.March 23, 2017 at 9:10 pm #613563
So I did a feeler. We chatted back and forth a few times, but his responses were…eh. I got the hint and I stopped texting. I mean his response didn’t really need a response. So I think we’re over. I think I am going to say something IF he gets in touch another time, which I doubt he will. I was going to say something like, “Hey, I noticed we’re spending less and less time together and you’re not getting in touch as much. Is something going on? If you don’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine, but I’m not into reading people’s minds and will not continue seeing someone where I am being forced to do that.” I am honestly feeling better after reaching out to him. I feel like I was my true self and I wasn’t ignoring someone. If he ghosts me then that’s on him, but I couldn’t be that person. I believe in treating people as I would like to be treated. Maybe that makes me too nice or too whatever…but it’s me. 🙂March 23, 2017 at 9:54 pm #613575
He said he wants to get married someday, but right now he’s just dating you. You talk of wanting more attention (texts + dates etc), but he has a life outside of you. The guy is busy, has friends and family, and other things to do. If you push him for more attention, you will come off as too needy and clingy and he might run for the hills. Men want to be happy and enjoy the time they spend with women without drama. You’ve only been seeing him “almost” two months. Don’t talk about emotions and feelings so early on. Lighten up and go with the flow.March 23, 2017 at 10:32 pm #613584
The problem is, is that after 2 months nothing’s progressing. We still see each other 1 a week and he only initiates conversations like once a week. I dont need to talk about feelings I want to know we are on the same page. As in he likes me and wants to keep things going and we see each other more. Right now I don’t feel like he’s interested in me. If he was he would have tried to see me by now. Would have texted me this week. I am chalking it up to he’s not that interested in me enough with his busy schedule to factor me in an some way.March 24, 2017 at 10:00 am #613643
Sara, you are dating wrong.
You need to be THE PRIZE! The prize doesn’t run in the race, the prize sits on her pedestal watching all the contenders (men) compete to win YOU over! If a contender is flaking, like this one, drop him from the race and only give your attentions to those who are putting in the effort because you won their heart first, and only then do you give him yours.
You should always be meeting and dating different guys until one takes you off the market (calls you his GF). When you focus on the one, and his interest wanes, then you have to start back at square one. If you were getting to know many men, preferably in different situations (hobbies, social, shopping, eating out, gym, etc.) where you would care less if one, two or three dropped out because there are three or four still in the race competing for your attention.
Dating really is a competitive sport lolMarch 24, 2017 at 10:35 am #613649
I agree with Lane here. You are too invested too early. Maybe because you slept with him?
Sex to men means nothing emotional is going on…what happens to a man happens outside the bedroom and then proceeds inside the bedroom. His heart is not in the bedroom in other words…while yours might be.
Just understand how men are wired…they are different than us. We sleep with a man because we really like him (in general). Men sleep with women for sex. That is separate for them.March 24, 2017 at 12:16 pm #613667
I feel for you..because I know that when you meet someone and you feel things are moving along there is no desire to date others. I would say 2 months is about the time when you realize if things are moving along or will eventually die. From the description you provided about your relationship it seems you guys were casual…and taking things very slow. Your radar is telling you something is off….so most likely he is feeling it too.
In 2 months if you are still “wondering” about the state of your relationship then YOU should be pulling plug. Take this as a learning experience..as I have with my previous relationships. If I am seeing someone I usually focus on that person I don’t date multiple people. However I learned I need to be myself…and be honest from the beginning. This way if the guy leaves because he doesn’t want the same things then so be it. However in a relationship when two people are on the same page things flow organically. Last year I was seeing someone and a month in he was acting flaky…several times I got annoyed with him and told him. Eventually he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship like he thought he did….I said OK no problem!!! To this day he texts me asking how I am and trying to get into my life again..but because of his insecurity I was done. I now met a man who is 10 times better…from the day we slept together we became exclusive and he tells me everyday how happy he is we met. We call each other almost every day and see each other 3-4 times a week. My point is this guy may not be the guy for you….so don’t look at it as rejection but an opportunity for you to meet the right guy. Don’t hold your feelings back or what it is you want when you meet someone.March 24, 2017 at 12:40 pm #613674
I agree with the ladies above. I am about to dump a guy that I really like, but he is not giving me the attention that I want. Once you realize that it is not about them wanting or not wanting you, but about what you want from a man, you will feel a relief.March 24, 2017 at 1:17 pm #613683
Best to give a drop dead date on your calendar in the future.March 25, 2017 at 1:44 pm #613902
He texted me yesterday for a last minute date. I told him I had plans and I was free today. I plan on asking him what he is looking for and I plan on telling him what I am and I am ready to say bye if need be.
I have been talking to other guys and keeping myself busy. I am not generally a multiple dater…mostly bc guys aren’t asking me out, but I am not putting all my attention on him. I am asking all these questions bc I am feeling like I am just a casual relationship.
We spoke about meeting today for dinner and drinks and that we would talk more today about that. So I am doing my own thing…cleaning my apartment, doing things for myself, cooking. If I don’t hear from him then I am going to say goodbye and if I do I am going to just casually ask him “so I know you said you want to get married and have kids, but what do you want in the immediate future.” If he says a committed relationship then great. If he’s wish washy or isn’t on the same page as me I will say goodbye. I want to see him more often not just once a week. I may say instead “I like you and enjoy spending time with you. I would love to see us see each other more.” I don’t know I am just think out loud.