Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Taking it too slow
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by
Erin.
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confused
I recently started trying to find a boyfriend using online dating.
I met with a very interesting person, we had great time and he said to meet again.
Few days later, I texted him to schedule the next meeting, he said he is too busy this week and we met again on a Monday next week.
This happened two more times: we met, we had great time, but no physical contact, he ended with let’s meet again, he is too busy when I text and ask to meet and he contacts me few days later to meet.I am very confused by his behavior…
On one hand, it is great that he has a busy life and still we get to (very slowly) know each other.
On the other hand, there is nothing physical or emotional. So, if he is so busy why would he want to meet another “friend” via online dating platform.
I know I better ask him, but up to now (the 3 times we have met) our conversations are very interesting, but not in a personal level (exactly when you get to know a new friend). I am not sure if that is the normal thing… I am more used to a guy at least kiss you in the first three days if they are attracted to you.So, today I spend some time thinking of him and texting him asking to meet, but instead, I ended up scheduling a date with a new guy from online…
Raven
You are doing all of the contacting & arranging?
tammy
as Raven said, are you the one who’s initiating all contact, setting up dates? if that’s the case, that shows very low interest on his part. pls don’t bother and stop wasting your time.
Ewa
he isn’t taking it slow , he is not interested…. no men is ever too busy.
KarinaDogLover
Chances are, you are one of his options but not in his priority. You are nice and interesting enough that he would like to keep you on the side, so you would be there when his other options are not available. He is always busy because he is seeing other girl(s).
I think you should go on dates with other guys as well. Don’t take it too seriously when it comes to this guy. I would recommend you don’t initiate any more contact and wait to see. If he doesn’t contact you at all, you know it is clear he is not interested.
Liz Lemon
What Ewa said. If a man is interested, he asks you out. No man who is interested is too busy! The fact that you’re doing all the arranging, and he’s too busy to meet a lot of the time, means he isn’t that interested in you. You said there’s nothing emotional or physical between you, right? After three dates, your conversations are interesting but not personal, and nothing physical has happened.
If you’re looking for a relationship, don’t waste your time on this guy. Better to arrange to meet new guys, which it sounds like you’ve done, so good for you. Move on and date other guys, don’t chase this one.
Maddie
While most men will try to get physically affectionate quickly, him not kissing you for the first few dates isn’t in itself that big a deal. I’d call that a yellow flag, as if he’s really serious about finding a relationship he might not be rushing full speed into physical stuff, and that’s not a bad thing. But if he hasn’t initiated any of the planned hangouts and you’re doing all the following up and inviting him out each time, he’s not very interested.
In general, it’s a good idea to lean back and let the man put effort in at the beginning of dating to get a sense if he’s interested in investing in you and ready to do so. Some men are just lonely or lazy and will take whatever they can get if offered by the woman, and that’s not going to be good relationship material for you. So it’s always in your best interest to let them lead some until the relationship is more established. Not in a way that’s playing games or hard to get, but just letting them show their interest and initiative levels because it indicates their willingness to show up as a potential partner. It doesn’t PROVE they’ll definitely show up as a good boyfriend if the relationship progresses to that point, you still need time to get to know them to find that out, but a guy who won’t even take initiative to begin with certainly won’t show up and you can filter that way.
Scheduling dates with different men, as you’ve started to do, is a good idea. If the first guy really is interested and we’re all wrong, he’ll step up in your absence. Though if he really is that busy but comes back, do you even want to bother with someone who doesn’t have enough time for you?
Lane
Sorry hun but you are acting “like the man” here, and men aren’t attracted to women who essentially throw themselves at them, which is what you are doing.
He’s not too busy, he intentionally too busy for you because he doesn’t have the desire to woo you over (be your BF), or he would be doing all the initiating, and planning. There’s an old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” meaning you can lead him to the water but if he’s not thirsty (interested in a relationship with you) there’s nothing you can do or say to get him to drink it.
Either way, stop chasing men as it emits a ‘desperate vibe’, that men can not only feel but know pretty quickly what you’re agenda is. To a man it like you want to eat them up, devour them, or put on a ‘ball and chain’ on them. The one thing men fear the most is losing their freedom (singlehood), so if they are going to give it up for a woman, she is going to have to be super duper special, essentially stand out from all the other women they have talked to or met—if not, they won’t.
Its OK to want a BF, natural to want a mate/partner but you have to meet the guy who wants you to be his! If a guy is avoiding you, not making plans, and is showing no to low interest, you toss him back into the sea, and keep meeting other guys, as that improves your chances of coming across the guy who will do the opposite this guy, because he thinks you’re the bees knees. Those are the only men you should ACCEPT a date from.
Erin
You seem to be the one doing all the chasing here. He doesn’t sound interested. Maybe he thinks you’re cool and cute but ultimately he doesn’t want to make you his girlfriend hence he’s always ‘too busy’ but sees you at the most convenient of times, meaning you’re an afterthought.
If you want a decent thing going on and proper dates just find someone else.
When it comes to dating and men, let him take the lead, your job is to set the tone. He takes the lead, you set the tone. Meaning half hearted attempts,inconsistencies, shady behavior is not tolerated at all.
Some men keep being around you even when they don’t like you much mostly because you set a tone which allows them to get away with most things.
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