Taking a break from a live in boyfriend… How does this work!?!


Home Forums Break Up Advice Taking a break from a live in boyfriend… How does this work!?!

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  • #400114 Reply
    ataylor

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We have not been getting along very well lately. I began to notice a few weeks ago that he was acting strange. Almost like he didn’t care anymore. A few days ago, he told me that he wanted to break up. He told me he was sick of fighting, and wanted to “center himself.” He said he felt pressure in the relationship and needs breathing space. When we were taking about it he was being very wishy washy. One minute he would tell me he couldn’t imagine a life without me, and then turn around and point out what his issues were with our relationship that made him angry. I suggested “taking a break” to figure it out. I believe we need to evaluate, but I don’t believe this isn’t fixable. We would give each other time and space to figure out what we want, agreed we are not seeing other people, and will decide at a later date if we want to continue the relationship or part ways. He agreed that he thought it would be better. The biggest issue is that fact that we live together, and have most of our relationship. He is now staying with a coworker while I am at the house. He agreed before he left to continue to help pay the bills, and share our car, though he has it at the moment. It isn’t that difficult for me to get around without one for most of what I need to do. I am trying no contact for both of our sake right now, but we have bills due soon. Actually, I paid a bill today and got an advance from my boss so I wouldn’t have to mess with getting money from him. I did try to message him yesterday about the one I just paid and got no response. I got this one no problem, but other major ones are coming up that I need help with. How do I go about getting him to take care of this with me, and also keeping the distance? The last time we spoke I told him I felt it was best we only discuss things on a need to know basis. I’m sort of freaking out now that he didn’t respond about the bill. I can’t afford to have him just dip out on me. I’m just not sure how to approach this situation. I truly only want to discuss what we are obligated to right now, but I am afraid he will think it is more than that. There isn’t a lot of information that I have found about live in couples taking breaks.

    #400117 Reply
    m

    I’m guessing your bills are about the same each month, correct? The amount doesn’t fluctuate much, does it? So perhaps you could suggest that he send you the funds in advance, his half or however much he usually pays… then you can take are of it from there. No need to have contact with every bill that comes in if he sends you all the money at once.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very stressful. I also hope you are considering whther you really want to be with him or if you need him there to share in the bills. It’s best not to move in with a guy for financial benefit, as you will then be stuck if it doesn’t work out. hugs

    #400124 Reply
    ataylor

    Thank you! I’m definitely not keeping him around to pay the bills. If that were the case I would definitely shoot for someone with a higher income, lol! If we choose to discontinue the relationship I am keeping the house until I find something more affordable. I have a 6 year old so that makes this even more complicated. I am waiting tables at the moment, and winter time where I live is harsh, as we have a tourism based economy. I can afford my house alone MOST of the year, but now isn’t that time. I feel as if he should help me catch up on what utilities are due now… The ones that he has helped use. They do fluctuate month to month, so that makes this a little tricky.

    I’m taking this break as well as I can. I do really love him and want this to work out. I also know that if it doesn’t that it’s not the end of the world. I don’t want to play games, and I don’t want to stay together for the wrong reasons. I am sad, I cannot deny that, but I want to use this time to figure things out, no matter what the outcome ends up being.

    Also, something else that has been bothering me: he left some of his stuff here that I KNOW he will be returning for in the near future. I was shocked when I came home the other day and they were still here. He also came home yesterday while I was at work? Nothing was taken (not even the things I thought he would return for) or moved except he left a hat that we share on the bar in our kitchen. My best friend lives across the street and told me she saw him here, but why hasn’t he taken all of his stuff that he would need?! He also kept saying the last time we spoke, “when we work this out _________,” as if we were going to work the relationship out? I’m trying not to read too much into it, but it just seems odd…

    #400148 Reply
    Harley

    What do you argue about and how often ?

    how do you both handle the argument…screaming. ..insults…silent treatment ??

    give one or two brief examples please.

    #400167 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I don’t know how you worded or titled the text regarding the bill but I would make that obvious so he knows what you are contacting him for. If you did that and he knows you don’t want to just chat then I would wait a couple of days and text him again. If you still don’t get a response I would call him.

    I would like the answer to Harley’s questions before I respond further as well.

    #400348 Reply
    ataylor

    I read the responses this morning when I woke up, and really started thinking about the fighting. We yell at each other… Over really stupid stuff, to be completely 100% honest. When I am upset I tend to withdrawal. I get quiet, and don’t want to deal with my the issue at hand. Sometimes I will come back to it when I am not pissed and try to address the situation calmly, but most of the time I sort of get over it until it has happened over and over… Then I explode. I have issues confronting situations that make me uncomfortable. With him, he has no filter what so ever, and no problem saying he has an issue with something almost to a point of it being too much. Then I go on the defense. Neither one of us handle our issues properly.

    Our relationship was very fast. We have known each other for 11 years, and started working together a month before we started seeing each other. We became inseperatable within a couple of months. When stress was high at work, we had a tendency to fight then. In September he got another job, and for a while it helped the fighting up until recently. What I realized today is that we have not been tending to ourselves recently. It’s been work, my son, and the rest of our time goes to each other… The problem is that the time has not been quality. Things were going stagnant. I have been putting forth very little effort, and neither has he. I have been exhausted between my son, who is showing signs of having a sensory disorder and is struggling in school, and work where I am not making the money that I am use to making in the busy season. We haven’t been going on dates like we use to. We have mostly just been at home doing separate things. I’m not taking all of the blame for what is happening, but it is becoming clear to me where my short comings lie.

    Today was my son was at his dad’s house, there is 6 inches of snow on the ground, and I didn’t have to work…. So I started doing all of the things I keep telling myself I am going to do, but have put off. I’m trying to get comfortable with the prospect that we might not want to continue the relationship, and if we decide that we do want to work it out that there has to be a real, continence change.

    #400758 Reply
    Rach

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this it is so hard! Me and my ex just broke up after taking a break.. I didn’t give him the space he needed and we ended it after a week. If you truly want to make it work respect his wishes and give the relationship some space. Look after yourself and focus on what will make you happy. Be accepting that it may be over as well.

    #400765 Reply
    LAgirl

    I’m sorry you are going through this too… yet, taking a break isn’t the way to fix things. Yes, absense can make the heart grow fonder, but based on what you describe, neither one of you understand how to handle conflict and negotiation. So getting back togther – no matter how much love there is – will fail because you don’t have the skills to do anything differently.

    The way to ‘fix’ is to have a mature discussion about what is working and not working to see if you can come to agreement on how to live together. Unfortunately, your son has been in the middle of all this and I’m sure arguing in front of him hasn’t made life great for him either.

    If you really want to fix this, can you afford a counselor that can help you mediate and come up with ways to work this out? Many times we are too close to see the real issues and a mediator can help you to communicate and decide if things can work for both of you.

    You obviously had love before all of this. Right now it sounds like you no longer really LIKE each other.

    I hope you can work things out.

    #400962 Reply
    ataylor

    Thank you guys for your responses. Yesterday morning I got a phone call from him. He told me he misses me, and wants to work this out. We talked for hours last night, and are trying to come up with different ways to cope with this. He has not, and is not moving back in at the moment. We are going to try him staying a few nights, and leaving a few nights for a while to build trust, communication, and work on ourselves before we jump back into this. Distance has been helpful in gaining clarity for both of us. Neither one of us want it to be like it was, and feel like we can change things to make them work. I have been considering going to counseling for myself for a while. I have abandonment issues that I know exist, but I do not know how to overcome on my own. He doesn’t want to go to therapy so much, and that is fine with me. Maybe once I start going he will want to do a session or two with me, and if not, oh well. In the mean time, he is going to continue to contribute on his part of the bills, so that issue is dead.

    I am working on me while he is away, and concerning myself with relationship matters when he is here. I think what contributed to a lot of this is the fact that we have moved so fast. We both lost a sense of personal identity outside of the relationship, and started falling into a routine of monotony. We are also polar opposites from the other, other than we are both stubborn as hell. We haven’t been attempting to compromise, end up arguing, and one of us caves so the other gets their way. I know this is going to take work… A LOT of work, but I am trying to be open to exploring new options to have a happier and healthier relationship with him and with myself. It sucks that this is what it has taken, but I guess something had to give.

    #400966 Reply
    Harley

    Sounds like you ate both on a good path.

    you need to communicate more. guys are blunt and direct….it’s just their way.

    I got some of the John Grey book s..men are from Mars. ..women from venus.

    really has helped me understand men better and how to communicate with them.

    #401023 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I also noticed that you have the same problem I have….you wait to say something after it has happened 10 times and then you explode…I do this too…I’m better at it – try to speak my feelings now at 2-3 times of happening…it is working…I don’t explode.

    Wow – who knew?

    #402702 Reply
    ataylor

    @redcurleysue: I feel like I do it because that is what I was taught. My father was a wonderful man, but like any parent had his faults. One being that when I was pissed or emotional growing up he had an “I don’t want to hear it” attitude. I have this tendency to think that if I let something go, I’ll get over it. I do get over it until I happens again and again and again. I was talking to my friend’s mother who is a psychologist, and she asked me what I want from this situation. I told her that I don’t know. Her response was, “yes you do! You’re afraid to ask for what you because you a afraid of that not being reciprocated. And if it isn’t reciprocated, it could possibly be a deal breaker for either one of you… Am I right?” Totally right!

    #558990 Reply
    Laura

    Hi, I’m not sure if this is the best place to ask this question, but I thought your experience might help.
    I’m thinking of bringing up the idea of taking a break to my live-in boyfriend. I really think some distance could help us evaluate the relationship and how we can work to make it better. I sincerely never want to break up with him or be with anyone else, but I do think taking a couple weeks to breathe on our own could be good for us both.
    The primary problem is that we live together and don’t have family close enough by to stay with. We are both students (at different school but about equal distance from our home) who need to be on campus daily. I guess the 2 solutions are either try to find a friend to stay with or stay at a hotel/Airbnb. Paying to stay elsewhere would probably limit our break to a couple of days at best due to the expense. I’m worried that asking a friend to stay at their house will not only draw a lot of unwanted questions and attention but also be an inconvenience (I guess at age 30 I’ve drifted away from most of my close friends from younger times and get squeamish at the thought of intruding on someone). Are there any options I’m not considering?
    I would really appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. Thank you :)

    #559009 Reply
    Vanessa

    Laura – start a new thread by going to “forums” above, click on a category (i.e. Break up advice), then scroll all the way down and you’ll see a box to input text like you did when you posted your comment. You’ll get more responses directly regarding your situation.

    #713410 Reply
    Alexis

    Hey,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half . Our relationship moved pretty quick, within 5 months of our relationship I found I was pregnant with a baby boy . We rushed in getting an apartment before our due date . Only because we did not want to be uncomfortable in our parents house and having to go from house to another. As any other relationship we had put ups and downs. Our main arguements were about him not understanding me, communication, romance, always being late, putting me as his first priority, and family differences. When the baby arrived, things became very stressful, between work and school . It was hard to keep up with each other . Any little thing he did that wasn’t my way or the correct way bothered me . I’m the type of person who likes things to be done in a timely manner and to be honest get things done my way . My boyfriend is very book smart but he does thing without having common sense . For a while now, I’ve been feeling alone, distant, insecure, angry, and unwanted . Which has me thinking maybe I should take a break from everyone and every thing . But I can’t just do that . Many times in our relationship I have threatn him I was going to leave him and find someone who appreciates and shows me that I’m worth it . But I never do leave . We usually end up talking he next day after the arguements say sorry and we love eachother then later have intercourse . I feel like all the sorrys are just a cover to saying we need a break . I know he loves me and I love him . He never realize that he never puts me first or show me enough affection. The other day we went to dinner with our baby , he saw a girl come through the door and he stared at her . My boyfriends ex’s had bigger body than I do . I’m very petite . So the next day I bought it up and he told me “it’s not my fault she had a nice body “ this really hurt me . Cause I’ve been insecure cause I’m small . After that day I have been questioning our relationship and myself .i has three long term relationships before him. My last relationship I was mentally,verbally and emotionally abusive for 3 yr After 1 1/2 I got into a relationship with him . Now I just feel like my boyfriend is not the one for me . I feel like we both have a lot of maturing to do . And we need to figure out what is the right and wrong way of doing things . When we argue we yell and curse at eachother . I tend to through little things and walk away as he just keeps talking /yelling . What should I do if I live with him and have a little boy ?

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