Strung along, need to vent


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This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Catie 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #656749 Reply

    Catie

    I just need to vent without being judged. I know already that I have spent too much time obsessing over this guy, that I have given him too much power, that I should be seeing other people, etc. But I still liked him, and it still hurts (a lot) and I just need  to talk, I guess.
    Anyway, I was seeing this guy for a few months and we had slow but regular communication, texting every few days to check in and hanging out once a week, pretty much like clockwork. He's about 10 years older, always took me on real dates, and we alwsys shared about out lives, he asked me lots if questions, etc.
    After about 9 weeks of this I decided I should start initiating more (since he had done all the work up to this), and he backed off super quickly. He also went out of town a couple times, but basically we went from hanging out once a week to once every three weeks. I also cut down on texting and let him initiate everything.
    Then I went on a long vacation this summer. I basically said goodbye before I left, he said he would see ne when i got back, but he still messaged me a few times while I was gone.
    Annoyingly, he would message me first, then when I replied he would wait like a week to text me back. Last month, I replied to a message he sent and he waited THREE whole weeks to reply. I basically wrote him off at that point, cried a little to purge him from my system, and accepted that I would never hear from him again. I genuinely felt better and over it.
    Then literally that same night he messaged me asking if Im home yet (seriously, how do guys do that???).I replied, trying to stay distant and simply telling him not yet. He replied a few days later (an improvement I guess??) asking about my plans. I try to play it cool and don’t reply until late the next day and… shocker… I haven’t heard back from him since. <

    Now I KNOW I shouldn’t tolerate this. I know this is going nowhere. I know he is stringing me along. I reasoned, before, that he didn&apos;t want to disturb me on my vacation. But now that I&apos;m back I realize that has nothing to do with it. But Im having such a hard time letting go… especially since the minute I let go is the minute he decides to send me a half-assed response. I know how dumb this is, but i really liked him and it is so hard to accept that the crumbs he’s feeding me genuinely mean nothing. I don’t want to be scolded by other women and told to get a life (because trust me, I kmow), I just needed to vent.

    #656750 Reply

    Miss_A

    Ugh. Sorry you’re going through this. Were you ever in an “official” bf/gf relationship? Or just casually dating? I totally understand what it’s like to KNOW the truth but have a hard time accepting it. This man has VERY low interest in you. It’s not a reflection on you or your value – remember that. He’s wasting your time, and you should not allow it any longer. Never want someone who doesn’t want you. You’ve got to delete his number and block him, like yesterday. It’s the only way to move on. He’s keeping you hooked; stop letting him.

    #656752 Reply

    Catie

    Miss_a, it was never official but had a solid enough start that I thought it would turn into that. That’s what hurts the worst, and it’s so hard not to see it as a reflection of my value, or lack of.

    #656753 Reply

    Catie

    ALso i know that he will eventually, after far too much time, ask me to hang out again. How can i reply to this when he does? I am genuinely not angry, and we live in a small tlwn so i want to be diplomatic, but should i be totally honest? like, “clearly i have feelings and you don’t.” Or just ignore him? Ugh this is so hard.

    #656754 Reply

    Anon

    You were not the only one who felt the same

    You obviously like that man… when you really like someone, your head would give benefits of doubt to him.

    It is okay😁. Better to have felt like this with someone than never get to this far.

    So, if you feel the same again and he is consistent to move forward. Then you know especially if he loves you one day, you know you will protect that love that does not come by easily.

    You were not the only one experienced this, many of us have been there.

    Try to go light with life, you will feel less burden in dating and just have fun in general

    #656757 Reply

    Anon

    I am sure he likes you too… but just not enough for whatever reasons he came up

    #656758 Reply

    Emma

    Catie, the best way for YOU would be not to reply to him at all.

    he’s been toying with you and your feelings. A reply three weeks later is not a reply dear. he’s been stonewalling and ignoring. if you entertain this, he will stop respecting you completely.

    I know how it feels first hand but there is no other option for you if you want to preserve your dignity. you cannot allow anything intimate between you, do not agree to a date, do not reply to him. I know you won’t be able to ignore him, then at least reply 2 days later and with something short and REFUSE to meet, say you are busy.

    Expect this: as soon as you become unavailable, he’d up his game and starts being more active, you’d give in, hoping that his feelings are still there, you’d start reciprocating, and he’d start ignoring you AGAIN. Check out free from toxic . someone referred this site today and I checked it out, it has some very good information and very useful.

    #656768 Reply

    Miss_A

    If he texts you again, after you’ve blocked him, you won’t even get the text! Problem solved. Plus, you’ll be so busy living your fun, activity-filled (and maybe date-filled) life that you won’t even remember who this loser is.

    #656777 Reply

    alia

    You just need time to forget him. Time will solve this for you. Just wait. If you have been clear with your feelings – you’ve expressed that you are looking for a relationship and he is still bugging you, you need to see he is not a good man or a good person. A good person recognizes that someone has feelings for them that they can’t reciprocate and they cut them off, they don’t perpetually string them along.
    It is for your own sake that you stop responding to his lame texts and the sooner, the better. He is not interested, and even if he says he is, his actions speak otherwise. Look, it all comes down to respect. When you respect someone, you treat them well and with consideration. And when you don’t respect them, you treat them like you don’t care. That’s what this guy is doing – he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care about you. Now, that is not a reflection of your value by any means. That is a reflection of a lack of value in him. A person of high integrity respects others and is considerate of their feelings, just think of people in your life that you respect and how you treat them, it’s the same courtesy and consideration that you should expect from everyone, and if you don’t get it from them, you walk away and spend time with people, who have such consideration for you.
    When it really comes down to, spend your life and time thinking and caring for people, who treat you with kindness and consideration and you will never have to look far for company. True story.

    #656810 Reply

    Lisa

    Text message technology
    is a blessing for all Players.
    With very very low investment.

    Imagine guys, they are physically very strong,

    just clicking some buttons with letters and emojis,
    they can string along many women simultaneously for years.

    i ended a couple of ping text ‘relationships’ like this.
    The next time the guy texted, i wrote:

    “Oh, sorry, i almost never answer text messages,
    i only answer the Phone.
    [inserted nice flower emoticon to make sure he is not offended]”

    The phone, voicecall, is a much bigger investment, and even bigger investment is coming to meet the girl IRL.

    This was four months ago.
    A few of them haven’t called me so i haven’t heard from them.
    But a few of them have called!
    They manned up.
    Because they had to, if they want any attention from me.

    #656811 Reply

    Catie

    Emma, i have waited at least 4 days or longer to reply to each of his messages, especiallywhile i was out of town because i didn’t really talk to anyone while on vacation. However I was hoping he’d pick up the speed now that I’m back. So it kinda goes both ways but mostly i was just matching his pace.

    #656814 Reply

    Newbie

    Put him in the happy memory box. That works better fir me than thinking i have been played. From what youre saying i dint get the vibe you have been played either. He just lost interest. Women (myself included) suffer from big ego’s when it comes to guys we have a crush on. We cant imagine why he doesnt see it. When you think about it, its kind of funny.
    It always a pity when you dont get what you want, but its just not the end of the world. Take care and you will be fine.

    #656815 Reply

    Catie

    Lisa, i don’t call my friends/mom unless it’s urgent! haha

    Newbie, that’s what I thought, and had pretty much accepted, until he randomly aaked me if i was home yet. That just stirred up all tne feelings and hope. And it’s weird of him to ask that, and a follow up question, and then ignore me, right? that’s the confusing part, because he contacted me first.

    #656816 Reply

    Lisa

    “Lisa, i don’t call my friends/mom unless it’s urgent! haha”

    I totally understand. People i trust, can very well text me.

    But guys who date, or flirt, i only answer the phone from. I don’t answer their texts.
    (Unless it’s like “oh, sorry, i’ll be a half hour late” or “oh, sorry, can only go and meet you at the other entrance”)

    #656822 Reply

    Kate

    As the others said: no response is best in this situation. All of a sudden he will up his comms but do you really want that anyway? If a guy wants a relationship with you you, he will have a relationship with you. If a guy wants to see you, he will make plans to see you. If a guy wants to speak to you, he will call. Its really that simple I’m afraid. He has made no investment in you at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a girlfriend and he contacts you when they’ve had an argument/ he wants his ego stroked.

    I heard a horrible story recently that may help you. A friend of a friend (lets call her Anna) met this guy and like you he took her on dates and it was lovely, then his messages became more sporadic and eventually stopped all together. Six months later he contacts her again and explains that he had been dating another woman and whilst he had more in common / got on better with Anna, he was more sexually attracted to the other woman so he felt inclined to see if he could make that work. Inevitably it didn’t work out with the other woman and he really like Anna as a person so he wanted to give it another go!! Insanity prevailed and she took him back.. guess what happened (you prob can) he ended up cheating on her and leaving her for another woman within three months.

    The moral of the story is trust a man’s actions and not his words. I’m afraid in this case all his actions scream that he isn’t that into you and just wants some attention when he is bored / lonely. You are worth a million times more than that and shouldn’t rise to it.

    #656823 Reply

    Janet

    He’s a Tw*t!
    You deserve better, are worth better, and can get beter – than him.
    Don’t think you’re not good enough – you are. Know, he is a Tw*t!
    X

    #656827 Reply

    Emma

    There is nothing confusing! You are not listening Catie. You want to remain in denial. Well maybe this is how you’d learn.

    If a man is into you, he will be. One way or another.

    He is probably seeing other or has been with someone else all this time. He might feel some attraction to you but is this enough? You need to value yourself more.

    There is nothing confusing, he asked if you were home to fish for info and assess the situation.

    He will be “pinging” you again and again if you let it.

    WHY would a young girl like you need this? WHY? Are you madly in love with him? I am sure not. Then shake this wishy washy crap off your hair and find a sweet and nice and hot romance with a passionate and loving guy.

    Ladies, your twenties is not forever, do not waste you best sexual years on crumbs from some manipulators who string women along for attention adn ego boosts.

    #656837 Reply

    Anne

    Saying to him as you suggested, “clearly I have feelings and you dont” is so pathetic.

    It just makes you look like a lost puppy, poor, poor you.

    He does not care does he? People who care about others don’t wait three weeks to reply.

    Stop being a doormat. Have some guts. Move on and say nothing to him. Drop out of the universe as far as he is concerned. You keep saying you know he will contact you at some point.

    That just means he has you in his back pocket list of desperate, unattractively pathetic females.

    #656977 Reply

    Catie

    Anne, I think your good points are buried in unnecessary rudeness,  but I will say that my personal philosophy (in life, not relationships) is that being open is usually the best policy.

    That said, I’m feeling more annoyed than hurt right now and am tempted to call out this behavior in a straightforward, non confrontational sort of way. I don’t expect this to change anything,  or even for him to reply,  but i think pointing out to him that he’s being rude will make me feel a little better. Just like a “hey, I don’t understand why you contacted me in the first place if you’re not going to respond” or something to that effect, Definitely definitely definitely not going to hang out with him again though.

    #656979 Reply

    Catie

    Now I’mjust trying to decide between letting my last message go unanswered or being a little more assertive and telling him that I’m not blind to what he’sdoing.

    #656983 Reply

    Newbie

    Catie,
    Im a bit confused myself. Did this guy promise you anything? Or did you sleep with him without checking on what pages you were? In those cases i can understand you are annoyed but he is doing the classic 3 month fase out. You can confront him but for what reason? He is not interested and the question to you is: why are you interested in a guy that isnt interested in you.that mindset is way more helpful in moving on. If it was always unclear what you two were, then he Ha done nothing wrong. He said lets touch base when youre back in town. I say that to people im not very invested in and that it can take a while before we get back in touch

    #657011 Reply

    kaye

    I remember your original post on this. The key thing I remember is you kind of said goodbye to him when you left for months this summer. You didn’t really seem to leave the lines of communication open. Just kind of cut things off while you were gone. Please correct me if I’m remembering that wrong.

    The problem here is that you had only started seeing him for a few months before you had to leave. It stopped the whole momentum of the relationship. However, when you did message him it took him weeks to reply. That is not the sign of a man who is missing you and counting the days until you get back. He likely started seeing someone else or was seeing someone else the whole time.

    One way to make up your mind on this for good is to send him a text just saying “Hey, glad to be back home and trying to catch up with everyone I missed getting to see while I was gone. Didn’t know if you’d have some time to hangout or go grab dinner soon.” If he ignores you for more than a few days or makes up a lame excuse as to why he can’t meet up then you can finally write him off and move on. Then if he pops up later in weeks or months wanting to hang out you know it’s because he was bored or the other woman is no longer in the picture and you just ignore him or block him.

    #657036 Reply

    Jenna

    guys, in this post she stated before she left they were seeing each other every THREE weeks. it was over already. you’re just a distraction he thinks of every now and then. people wash their towels more often than that.

    #657037 Reply

    Jenna

    that was harsh…here is good advice: block his number. that’s what i did with my already-ex when he left me hanging on texts, and the second i did, a weight was lifted because i knew he wasn’t ever going to text because he COULDN’T. bravo me. had a fun and lovely summer.

    #657061 Reply

    Amanda

    Calling him out for what? He is not interested. That is what he is saying but not replying or taking a long time. If he texted you and said, “I am not really interested in you. Sorry”, Would you bother replying? Move on!

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