Stood up after he fell asleep


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  • #459828 Reply
    Jane

    I’ve been with this guy for about 4 months and things were going really great until recently when I felt things had changed.

    Last night we arranged to meet up around 12:30 which is rather late but I was doing work up until then and he was watching sports which I wasn’t interested in. We decide to meet up near to where he lives at this bar we both like. He lives about 30 min away from me but about 5 minutes away from the bar.

    I text him when I get there to tell him I arrived and he isn’t there yet so I get a drink and wait. I wait another 10 minutes and tell him I’m upstairs in case he was waiting downstairs. Then another 10 minutes go by and I ask him how far away he is? No response to anything.

    I wait another 10 minutes for a total of 40 minutes waiting since I arrived and told him that since it has been about 40 minutes and I haven’t heard from him I assume he’s not coming and I’m going back home. I didn’t say anything more to him. This morning he called and said he was sorry and that he had fallen asleep, which was honestly what I had figured.

    I said I appreciated the apology and him telling me what happened. I told him I knew he didn’t mean to do it but if he was that tired he shouldn’t have attempted to make plans with me. I told him I was hurt last night and I didn’t expect to be treated that way.

    He said he understood where I was coming from and what I was saying and why I felt that way. He then said ‘so what else is there?’ I said, ‘nothing, there’s nothing to do but I just wanted to get that off my chest and I hope you have a good rest of your day.’ he said ‘ok I’ll talk to you later.’

    I mean from what I can gather he isn’t much of a phone conversationalist but now I feel like I did something wrong when really he was the one who made the mistake. Did I overreact?

    I think he’s a genuinely good guy and does care about me and I do really care about him so I don’t want to lose a good thing.

    Just to be clear, I understand people make mistakes and this can happen. I also don’t plan on holding it against him or bringing it up again but I was upset about it nonetheless. I do care about him a lot and I want things to work out so I don’t want my reaction to have been incorrect.

    I have a few questions on this:
    1) If anyone has ever accidentally stood someone up that they wanted to continue dating how did you and the person you were dating handle it?
    2) Would contacting him after this incident to do something be ok?
    —I have some free nights this coming week on days he’s usually available but I never am. I’d like to ask him to do something but I also don’t want to indicate that I’m ok with something like last night occurring again. So I am wondering if I should just wait on him to initiate things which could mean not seeing each other for another week.

    #459831 Reply
    Mia

    Hi
    I just wanted to say I accidentally stood up someone before, it wasn’t a date but my friend. I honestly did plan to meet her and we were supposed to decide where to meet when she gets off the work but we did discuss the day and time. And on the day I was exhausted as I came of night shift and didn’t get my nap due to circumstances so while waiting for her reply I fell asleep. I woke up later to few messages from her if I’m coming or if we are still on. I apologised lots to her and offered an alternative day to make it up to her because I felt so bad.
    I feel like he should initiate now and ask you out to make up for this mistake. If people make mistake and are sorry they should take responsibility and make up for it. That’s how I feel about it.

    #459834 Reply
    Xyz

    I find that for little things like this, it helps not to leave the discussion with bad feelings or with that topic being the only one discussed. It’s really easy to stay slumped in a bad mood even after the other person apologizes.. And you can either foster how long that lingers or cut it off very quickly.

    For example, what I would have done in this case is accepted the apology. Tell him you understand he didn’t do anything intentional to hurt you. Then move on and change the topic. Say something like, ‘so are you at least well rested sleepy head?’ And then move on to something lighter. That way you don’t end the call on a bad note or in limbo like you are right now wondering how he has processed all this.

    Others may disagree, but I find when my husband and I get into small tiffs it always works best to deal with it painless and quickly and move on.. Don’t get caught up in lingering hurt or resentment. That is the stuff that builds up and over time ruins things. We all like to feel good in our relationships.

    Right now.. Perhaps you can call him back and be lighthearted. Mention the opening in your schedule .. See what he has to say. I would not do it by text, but that’s just me. Texting just does not convey the same .. You can’t hear true inflection and be spontaneous..IMO

    I’m sure things will work out fine.

    #459841 Reply
    MsAqua

    100% agree with Xyz here – one day the guy I’ve been posting about and I agreed to meet at point A, then he decided to change the meeting place to point B and relayed that via a message. I didn’t receive the message before walking out the door, and proceeded to wait for him at point A for 40 minutes before actually receiving the message concerning the change of plans. I didn’t mind the wait (I was people-watching, a glorious past time of mine), but 1) we lost valuable time (we were travelling) which was slightly problematic, and more importantly, 2) if you change plans the courteous and logical thing to do is to wait for the other person to acknowledge that change of plans. (Fyi, since we were travelling we didn’t have cellphones to make a quick hey-where-are-you call.)

    When I finally arrived at point B, as I was approaching, I could tell he knew he was in trouble by the way he’s body language started changing when he saw me (the whole slowly sitting up straight, face dropping – all that haha). Although I was fuming on the inside, I kept my cool outwardly, put down my bag calmly, VERY firmly told him that I do not mind the wait as such, but if he decides to change our plans in future I expect him to wait for me to confirm. I then walked off to order myself a coffee. I returned 10 minutes later (waiting for my order gave me time to cool down), calmly sat down, drank a third of my coffee, and then when I opened my mouth it was easy breezy, light conversation. I was not going to drag it out, and considering how hard he tried to be considerate and please me from there on out, I can only assume that the message was received loud and clear.

    Just one thing … your opening statement makes me frown – “[…] things were going really great until recently when I felt things had changed.” ?? Just wondering whether it’s just this incident or if there’s more to it.

    #459842 Reply
    Jane

    There was more to it but it would have added so much more to this than was already there. This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I felt things had been different except to say that I’ve been less sure as to where he’s coming from generally lately and this incident only added to that. I think if things hadn’t been different lately I wouldn’t have been as hurt by him not showing up.

    #459843 Reply
    Xyz

    Are you bf and gf?

    #459846 Reply
    MsAqua

    Ah, I thought as much, because this is the type of thing that would normally (as described above) firmly-yet-politely make the guy understand I expect to be treated with respect/courtesy (keep him in check, you know) without being dramatic or OTT about it. Like make him aware, and move on because it’s not a massive deal in my books. But yeah, if you already have some insecurities/doubts then obviously it’s more loaded than just a silly mistake/miscommunication.

    I’d not bring it up again, just act normal next time you talk, and see what he is like after that … if he was perhaps losing interest as of late, this of course won’t help, so you should be able to tell soon. I know the latter sounds kinda crappy, but it is what it is. If he’s still interested and you’re lighthearted after this, he has learned that you respect yourself/can stand up for yourself, but that you’re not a dramaqueen – both things men respect and like!

    #459848 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    If things have not been right definitely do not initiate, I would not anyhow, give him space, not texting, not calling him and definitely not you asking him to meet you. Perhaps share what else has been up lately.

    You were right and his reaction was fine, yeah a lighter ending does help sometimes but when it is a very heavy topic and not discussed in person, in my opinion it does not always fit or help. I like it that way too but some men get really stressed out by a discussion even.

    #459849 Reply
    Maria

    I accidentally stood up my future husband when we were seeing each other, early on. It happens. Don’t fret it. He apologized. He made plans with you because he wanted to see you even though he was tired, so let it go.

    #459852 Reply
    Sensy

    Jane, at this point after stating what you said, best to give him a lot of space.

    #628328 Reply
    Chlo

    I need help
    I know it’s silly to be mad but I can’t help feel upset and disappointed, my boyfriend and I organised to meet a at around 11 I got up at 10 got all ready shower make up done and I was to waiting for just text to meet him off the bus, at 11 I was waiting at the front door waiting waiting.. 12 came around I was watching tv texting him where are you calling him no response.. at around 3 he text me “I fell asleep” .. and I’m thinking that’s all you have to say ? I’m so angry iv waitsted my day waiting around for you iv been sitting around waiting for you iv for all done up for you and you can’t even just get in the shower and get up out of bed so you don’t go back asleep for me … and he’s the one that organised the plans ?? I don’t know I’m just so upset and annoyed about the situation.. should I be this angry about it really ? When I called him he was all numbly on the phone not really caring about it said he had nothing to apologise for..
    I’m in need of advice :( this isn’t the first time and and not only the 5th more that he has left me sitting around waiting for him

    #628338 Reply
    Emma

    I think you need to judge your BF based on the the of person he is. A much stronger apology was needed from him of course. But if he is a not talkative and not a very classy guy then maybe he thinks that one short text is sufficient. People don’t understand that even though you are at home, you can’t really engage in other activities fully while you are waiting. Personally if I want to take a nap before meeting someone I set up an alarm. If he’s done this type of thing before in the same careless way it’d be a deal breaker to me. He does have something to apologize for and I am sure he knows that, who would any adult person wouldn’t? I’d stop talking to him and might not even answer his calls. This may be the only way to let him understand just how upset you are. I feel for you, it must feel very hurtful and unfair.

    #628345 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Make life simple. Never waste your time with people who think it’s okay to waste your time. You give the benefit of the doubt once, only. And only if there is a sincere apology, and effort to make things right.

    We teach people how to treat us… by what we allow, what we permit, what we encourage… or what we stop. You’ve taught him it’s ok to disrespect you. If you respected yourself properly, there would not have been a “second” time.

    #628372 Reply
    Raven

    He’s done this to you before?!

    #628949 Reply
    I too was stood up yesterday

    I actually totally under how you feel. My Bf did the same thing to me yesterday too… we were supposed to meet at my place before we went to a bar; he didn’t show, I texted asking if I must have mixed up the time. 3 hours later he texted me telling me that he fell asleep… I ended things with him-but not because he stood me up, but because I told him that I felt hurt by the behavior, and he was satisfied with his apology (sorry, fell asleep), He also didn’t demonstrate to me that my feelings of hurt affected him in anyway.

    I realized at that moment that it didn’t hurt my man to realize that he hurt me. Think about it, if you found out that you hurt your man, and that wasn’t your intention, you in turn would have probably felt terrible, be hurting also because of how bad you made him feel. My BF didn’t demonstrate that it even bothered him that his behavior and response hurt me.

    This isn’t the worst way to find out that your man is okay with hurting you. If he isn’t going to make an attempt to ‘right a wrong’ I don’t mean bend over backwards and beg, but make an effort to make it up to you, it’s because he doesn’t feel he needs to. What he did bothered you-not him, and his behavior bothering you- doesn’t bother him either.
    Since I can personally empathize today, I wish you all the best!

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